Inadvertently broke NC

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So, had a little too much to drink last night and I broke no contact. Texted my BPD ex girlfriend and told her how much I missed her, etc.

The truth is I meant every word I told her. I do miss her terribly. But I had one of those moments where as soon as I said the words I knew I had made a mistake. It's crazy because before telling her these things all I could think about was how much I wanted her back, but as soon as I told her all of the reasons we shouldn't be together crystalized in an instant. Not only that but my potential to be in a more loving, mutual relationship.

I wish I hadn't made that mistake last night but I need to make sure I don't compound the error. Anyone ever been in this situation before, where you started to reinitiate a recycle but realized you were doing the wrong thing?

One saving grace I have here is I actually don't think my ex is very keen on getting back together (that is just my instinct, but of course I don't know for sure). I never explicitly told her I wanted to get back together. We're going to get coffee together later to "talk", so maybe I can just swing this conversation more toward a "closure" conversation. And maybe that's not such a bad idea in itself. I just need to make sure I don't allow myself to make things worse than I already have.

[mrwigand]

So, had a little too much to drink last night and I broke no contact. Texted my BPD ex girlfriend and told her how much I missed her, etc.

The truth is I meant every word I told her. I do miss her terribly. But I had one of those moments where as soon as I said the words I knew I had made a mistake. It's crazy because before telling her these things all I could think about was how much I wanted her back, but as soon as I told her all of the reasons we shouldn't be together crystalized in an instant. Not only that but my potential to be in a more loving, mutual relationship.

I wish I hadn't made that mistake last night but I need to make sure I don't compound the error. Anyone ever been in this situation before, where you started to reinitiate a recycle but realized you were doing the wrong thing?

One saving grace I have here is I actually don't think my ex is very keen on getting back together (that is just my instinct, but of course I don't know for sure). I never explicitly told her I wanted to get back together. We're going to get coffee together later to "talk", so maybe I can just swing this conversation more toward a "closure" conversation. And maybe that's not such a bad idea in itself. I just need to make sure I don't allow myself to make things worse than I already have.

[Matt8888]

We've all been there.  I'm now 8 days NC.  I ruined a good stretch last weekend.  Felt like I had made a mistake immediately.  All I got back was a threat to file harassment charges.  I honestly would cancel that meet up.  Chances are you will feel worse after.  Even if you get another recycle out of it, it will hurt even more next time.

Trust me, I know how much you think you love this woman but it'll be more of the same.  Why not focus on yourself for a while.  And I wouldn't recommend jumping into a rebound relationship.

[jhkbuzz]

So, had a little too much to drink last night and I broke no contact. Texted my BPD ex girlfriend and told her how much I missed her, etc.

The truth is I meant every word I told her. I do miss her terribly. But I had one of those moments where as soon as I said the words I knew I had made a mistake. It's crazy because before telling her these things all I could think about was how much I wanted her back, but as soon as I told her all of the reasons we shouldn't be together crystalized in an instant. Not only that but my potential to be in a more loving, mutual relationship.

I wish I hadn't made that mistake last night but I need to make sure I don't compound the error. Anyone ever been in this situation before, where you started to reinitiate a recycle but realized you were doing the wrong thing?

One saving grace I have here is I actually don't think my ex is very keen on getting back together (that is just my instinct, but of course I don't know for sure). I never explicitly told her I wanted to get back together. We're going to get coffee together later to "talk", so maybe I can just swing this conversation more toward a "closure" conversation. And maybe that's not such a bad idea in itself. I just need to make sure I don't allow myself to make things worse than I already have.

You know, not to make you feel bad or anything, but if she texted you about how badly she missed you, then met you for coffee and told you that she was done with the r/s and wanted closure, you would think she was engaging in some typical push-pull BPD behavior.

hmmmmmm... .

Why meet for coffee if you don't want to resume the r/s?  Maybe it would just be better to admit you were drunk, that you still care for her and hope the best for her, but you're not interested in resuming the r/s. Via text.

[mrwigand]

So, had a little too much to drink last night and I broke no contact. Texted my BPD ex girlfriend and told her how much I missed her, etc.

The truth is I meant every word I told her. I do miss her terribly. But I had one of those moments where as soon as I said the words I knew I had made a mistake. It's crazy because before telling her these things all I could think about was how much I wanted her back, but as soon as I told her all of the reasons we shouldn't be together crystalized in an instant. Not only that but my potential to be in a more loving, mutual relationship.

I wish I hadn't made that mistake last night but I need to make sure I don't compound the error. Anyone ever been in this situation before, where you started to reinitiate a recycle but realized you were doing the wrong thing?

One saving grace I have here is I actually don't think my ex is very keen on getting back together (that is just my instinct, but of course I don't know for sure). I never explicitly told her I wanted to get back together. We're going to get coffee together later to "talk", so maybe I can just swing this conversation more toward a "closure" conversation. And maybe that's not such a bad idea in itself. I just need to make sure I don't allow myself to make things worse than I already have.

You know, not to make you feel bad or anything, but if she texted you about how badly she missed you, then met you for coffee and told you that she was done with the r/s and wanted closure, you would think she was engaging in some typical push-pull BPD behavior.

hmmmmmm... .

Why meet for coffee if you don't want to resume the r/s?  Maybe it would just be better to admit you were drunk, that you still care for her and hope the best for her, but you're not interested in resuming the r/s. Via text.

No, I think you're absolutely right, and I appreciate you saying it. It's unfair to her for me to keep going back and forth like this, and I think it's certainly time that I become comfortable with the fact that the relationship is over and actually start moving on.

It's difficult to admit, but when it comes to recycles I've been the main force trying to re-instigate things. I understand why it's been difficult for me to accept the end of the relationship. It's that unbridgeable gap between the person you love and the things you aren't able to live with over time. It's been difficult for me to reconcile that effectively, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have handled things in a healthier and more mature way.

There's nothing to do now except finally accept the end of the relationship and try to make sure I'm fairer to her in the future.

But I'd like to thank everyone for their comments.

[CloseToFreedom]

Hey, actually I want to tell you that you're not the only one concerning the push/pull behaviour.

While my ex gf isn't diagnosed, she had a lot of hallmarks of the distortion. Fierce honeymoon phase, followed by extreme devaluation, lack of love and intimacy, complaining about everything I did wrong.

What followed was an outburst from me, after a few months, because I just couldn't handle the lack of love and change in behaviour. She didn't do the break ups, I did, but I'm sure its just because she always wanted ME to be the one to do it, so she can be the victim. And yes, after a few weeks after each break up, I'd try to reenage and fix it again, because I missed her so much. Which gave her the power to make me jump through countless hoops again, which made me tired of the relationship again after a few months. Rinse and repeat for 10 times.

So you're not the only one. These relationships are complex creatures, and just because you were the one that had the literal push/pull behaviour, doesn't mean that the way she treated you was okay.

[jhkbuzz]

I understand why it's been difficult for me to accept the end of the relationship. It's that unbridgeable gap between the person you love and the things you aren't able to live with over time. It's been difficult for me to reconcile that effectively, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have handled things in a healthier and more mature way.

For sure... .it takes a long time to reconcile those two opposing realities... .that you fell in love with someone who will continue to cause you unspeakable emotional pain if you continue in the r/s.  That's all that "bargaining" - trying to figure out if there's some way to have the person you love without all the "bad."

As for the "healthy and more mature" - be kind and gentle to yourself. It is difficult to remain sane in the face of the disorder.  I know I became wildly emotionally dysregulated at the end of my r/s - it was INSANE.  Of course I became more even keeled once she moved out... .but I was all over the place before that.

[BorisAcusio]

As for the "healthy and more mature" - be kind and gentle to yourself. It is difficult to remain sane in the face of the disorder.  I know I became wildly emotionally dysregulated at the end of my r/s - it was INSANE.  Of course I became more even keeled once she moved out... .but I was all over the place before that.

I can relate to that. As the "relationship" progressed, I was slowly and steadily losing my emotional balance and - turned out to be false - strenght which was once the primary reason for her to attach and mirror. The first serious boundary breaking was discussed in a calm manner(sent nude pictures to her ex on christmas eve), the second was still about lecturing her to the direction I thought would be beneficial to her(applied to a porn casting interview), only the third one could completely set me off from my role(cheating in a cruel manner). From that point, I was regressing and starting resort to primitive defense mechanisms, did quite a few few things out of character that I'm not proud of. Lingering shame still persist.

I can see now how I represented her intra-psychic father figure(scolding, lecturing, telling off unacceptable behaviour), how the role changed from savior to persecutor, in hindsight, the only mature way to handle this would have been to walk away at the first serious boundary breaking or better, not to start a relationship with her.

[going places]

I blocked my ex's number and email from my phone.

I don't drink.

BUT if I did get drunk, he'd be the last person I would call or text... .but even if I wanted too, I could not.

He's blocked.

He is blocked on all social media too.

No face book, twitter, pintrest, vine, instagram, snap chat... .

Block Block Block.

I cannot recommend it strongly enough.

[raisins3142]

Right after our break up, I drank to excess a few nights in a row.

Each time, I would break no contact and send her angry emails and texts.

I'd swear never to do it again, but would next time I drank and lost my inhibitions.

If I were you, I'd go NC, don't go to that meeting, and lay off the sauce until you get a firmer foot on being out of this r/s.  Just my 2 cents.