Being Me and Being a Good Spouse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hello,

my spouse and i have been together for almost 20 years.  Mostly good times, a few bad ones here and there.  The last two years have been especially rocky. We are living apart at the moment.  As I have some pretty strong codependent tendencies, there's been a lot of dysfunction in our relationship.  As you might imagine, I do want to be supportive of her.   I think I could particularly use guidance and suggestions around setting boundaries and also on thinking about whether or not to keep the relationship that doesn't really meet my needs.  I mostly hear about how I'm not meeting her needs.

Thanks for being here.

[JCB443]

hello,

my spouse and i have been together for almost 20 years.  Mostly good times, a few bad ones here and there.  The last two years have been especially rocky. We are living apart at the moment.  As I have some pretty strong codependent tendencies, there's been a lot of dysfunction in our relationship.  As you might imagine, I do want to be supportive of her.   I think I could particularly use guidance and suggestions around setting boundaries and also on thinking about whether or not to keep the relationship that doesn't really meet my needs.  I mostly hear about how I'm not meeting her needs.

Thanks for being here.

[Samuel S.]

JCB443, yeah, being with the spouse for 20 years and then to have it get rocky is no fun whatsoever! I am sorry that you are going through this turmoil. A counselor friend of mine said that being selfless is not being selfish. It is extremely important to meet your own needs as much as you can. While you want to be supportive of her, who is being supportive of you? Is she? It sounds like if you two are living apart, this is the time to meet your own needs, to reflect on what you want. That is being loving of yourself, and that is the best boundary of them all. You are protecting your self. You may even wish to seek counseling to delve into taking care of your emotional self and perhaps even to do some journaling. If and when she comes around, at least, you will have a very good sense as to who you are, what you need, and what you are willing to offer without resorting to habits that got you and her to be where you are now. Lastly, it took a lot of courage on your part to move, and I envy you. You have found a boundary to protect yourself without immersing yourself in her drama and trauma. Hang in there, my friend!

[BestVersionOfMe]

hello,

my spouse and i have been together for almost 20 years.  Mostly good times, a few bad ones here and there.  The last two years have been especially rocky. We are living apart at the moment.  As I have some pretty strong codependent tendencies, there's been a lot of dysfunction in our relationship.  As you might imagine, I do want to be supportive of her.   I think I could particularly use guidance and suggestions around setting boundaries and also on thinking about whether or not to keep the relationship that doesn't really meet my needs.  I mostly hear about how I'm not meeting her needs.

Thanks for being here.

Codependents + BPD's = dysfunction.  You are a part of the problem just like her.  Since you are apart and not getting your needs met and because you are in the "staying or leaving" section it sounds like you need to educate yourself a lot, lot more before making any final decisions.  What I did notice is that you said "mostly good times" so the fact that the last 2 are bad makes me think there is possibly a base that could be repaired.  I can't advise you one way or the other however.  I just am a big fan of reading a ton of books about BPD and CoDependency both and working on your side of the fence which you're gonna have to do anyways even if you ultimately leave the relationship.  In case it helps, I've had some serious successes with the S.E.T. strategy with my wife in the last 3 days which gives me some hope.  She usually backs down when I enforce what I want.

[JCB443]

Thanks so much for the replies!  Already I feel a little less crazy than I have frequently felt during the years of my relationship.  I really did think our problems were mostly because of my issues and went into therapy early last year.  I told my spouse she couldn't join me in the sessions and thus began the turmoil that has characterized the last 12+ months.  She's made 3 fairly serious threats of suicide along with numerous other vindictive actions in this time.  When I asked her if she thought she might have handled anything differently she said, "no", that everything she had done was a consequence of my behavior.  That's pretty impossible to work with. 

Beyond reason, I do miss her, especially when I think of our fun times.  This time apart is definitely for the best for me.  I've been dealing with some pretty intense feelings of sadness and grief, and occasionally get a glimpse that I'll be OK.  It's just hard for me to fathom anyone tossing aside a relationship like this.  I feel like I should just tell her to "F" off if she wants to treat me this way.  I guess I know now that it's not entirely her fault, assuming she really does have BPD.  At the same time, the treatment I get is unacceptable.

I'm very glad to have found this space.

Thanks!

[BestVersionOfMe]

Thanks so much for the replies!  Already I feel a little less crazy than I have frequently felt during the years of my relationship.  I really did think our problems were mostly because of my issues and went into therapy early last year.  I told my spouse she couldn't join me in the sessions and thus began the turmoil that has characterized the last 12+ months.  She's made 3 fairly serious threats of suicide along with numerous other vindictive actions in this time.  When I asked her if she thought she might have handled anything differently she said, "no", that everything she had done was a consequence of my behavior.  That's pretty impossible to work with. 

Beyond reason, I do miss her, especially when I think of our fun times.  This time apart is definitely for the best for me.  I've been dealing with some pretty intense feelings of sadness and grief, and occasionally get a glimpse that I'll be OK.  It's just hard for me to fathom anyone tossing aside a relationship like this.  I feel like I should just tell her to "F" off if she wants to treat me this way.  I guess I know now that it's not entirely her fault, assuming she really does have BPD.  At the same time, the treatment I get is unacceptable.

I'm very glad to have found this space.

Thanks!

I'm so sorry man, you must be so hurt.  I think grief and feelings of loss are quite normal, especially during times where you know what must be done.  I fight those feelings and thoughts myself.  I don't think my relationship is salvageable.  I'd like my wife to be extracted from my life and friends entirely if possible and replace her with someone who love's and respects me.  I'm gonna give it a shot for another couple months or so and if it remains the same just move on and let the chips fall as they may. 

[Samuel S.]

JCB443, grief and sadness are so natural when you have devoted so much time and so much effort into a relationship. Yet, when she has made serious threats of suicide and numerous other vindictive actions, then, the fun times that you had are definitely stained for a lifetime, no matter how much love you have had for her and for the good times. She needs to take care of herself instead of blaming you exclusively. You need to take care of yourself due to being at the brunt end of her anger and her negativity. Take care, my friend!

[BestVersionOfMe]

JCB443, grief and sadness are so natural when you have devoted so much time and so much effort into a relationship. Yet, when she has made serious threats of suicide and numerous other vindictive actions, then, the fun times that you had are definitely stained for a lifetime, no matter how much love you have had for her and for the good times. She needs to take care of herself instead of blaming you exclusively. You need to take care of yourself due to being at the brunt end of her anger and her negativity. Take care, my friend!

Lot of truth in this post.