Learning so much

[Worried Mom23]

This past week has been kinda calm thank goodness.  25yr old  undiagnosed daughter has seemed almost even keeled which is a god send and tension as to when the next blow up will be.  I can feel the tension building everytime Im around her and know the next outburst is coming soon, as  her life again is taking twist and turns that are kinda stressful.  I have been reading Stop Walking on Egg Shells and wow this is a great book filled with so many answers.  I have noticed the one friend that has stuck by her has once again distanced herself, as my daughter is hard to be around once you become close to her.  I am having a hard time understanding how in public she can come off as this nice calm person and then just blow like a volcano when in the presence of close family and friends.  My youngest looked at me and asked when I was depressed did I cry randomly in front of people I didn't know, of course I answered well no she said its prob the same concept,  she is like a chameleon and knows when to hide her disorder.  The more information I read the more I know my daughter is BPD, I also cry cause I know inside she will most likely never get  help, I would say she is high functioning and unless forced into counseling she will never go, and even if she were to get some help she wouldn't do what is needed. Prime example she can go to the doc. for lets say a sinus infection get the needed antibiotic and she will start taking it the first day and maybe the second day then she will not take it anymore.  2 weeks later she will be sick again and we will repeat the process.  She never follows thru with the orders given to get well.  She is going thru a divorce from a Man that has multiple disorders and also a master manipulator.  She was able to obtain a Order of Protection for the next 2 yrs however he has broke it and she has allowed him to call and even come to her apt once without turning him in.  Between the 2 of them she is the most stable and at least holds down a job to provide for the kids ( she goes thru a lot of jobs however ) never being able to stay longer then a yr.  Because in her words everyone she works for has some kinda problem and are out to get her, she will miss tons of days and right before getting fired she will quit.  I am also reading I Hate you don't leave me,  this book is also good however im finding the other one easier to follow along and more explanatory.  I thank God I have found a place to vent and don't feel so alone. I have a few good cries this week with the realization that this is the life she will lead most likely and it prob wont get much better so I need to find ways to coup.  If not for my grandbabies I prob would have walked away from her, no matter how much I love her, I also don't like her if that makes any since.  Most of my days are consumed with her drama and not much happiness for me.  My youngest daughter has been avoiding her sister because she just cant handle it anymore.  Then I cry because I just said I could walk away from my baby how does a mother say that,  Im just not sure how much more abuse from her I can take,  she has outburst with my hubby and her sister but I seem to get the worst of it all   just feeling sad today. I feel to old and tired to be a full time caregiver for my granddaughters ( 6 and 1 ) however for them I will do whatever it takes. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello Worried Mom23,

That's one of the most frustrating things about the disorder, how they seem to control it when around others, but as soon as the door closes, those closest to them become targets of their emotional dysregulation. I could always tell when my Ex had something going on (the volcano about to burst), but it was indeed often an eruption minutes after we walked in the door away from people.

Our son, 5, shows some of the neurological sensitivities as his mom, so I occasionally pop in here to read the board and hope that he doesn't start to lean towards acting more like her as he grows older. I'm sorry that your daughter acts like this towards you and others close to her. It's good that you are reading. Have you been trying the communication tools and lessons to the right of this board? If so, do you think that is helping?

I understand you wanting to withdraw from her, and perhaps that may be a boundary you need to enforce for your own protection, even if it's very hard with your grand-babies.

I have a few good cries this week with the realization that this is the life she will lead most likely and it prob wont get much better so I need to find ways to coup.

This is one of the toughest things: Radical Acceptance. Without a Dx and treatment, it's likely that she won't change, so the only thing we can do is support from whatever distance we can, and also change the way we behave towards the pwBPD in our lives (for me this also includes my mother).