partner withdraws, ends relationship, repeatedly

[whitebackatcha]

I'm in a long distance relationship with someone I strongly suspect has BPD. My biggest issue that that she is extremely sensitive to perceived criticism. BUT, instead of fighting, she withdraws emotionally, and sometimes temporarily cuts ties all together.

Most recently, she said she needed to change the terms of the relationship. I told her I accepted that, but didn't discuss feelings because I knew she would blow up. I avoided talking about it until she confronted me, and then I very calmly told her I felt hurt, but that I still loved her and wanted her in my life. She said I was telling her she was a horrible person. After many times of her leaving, I knew to stay calm and didn't react. She is currently not contacting me, but is acting superficially friendly if I say something. I am rebuffed if I attempt to be more familiar.

We have built our relationship to a level of intimacy we never came close to having in the past. Every time she has shut things down (seems to happen every 2-3 months), it takes so much time and energy to get her trust back. I'm exhausted.

How do I best respond with someone I don't want to lose, but who is willing to completely cut me out with no warning if I force things to a head?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hawk Ridge]

My expwBPD behaved exactly the same, accusing me of "overcommunicating" if I tried to calmly and kindly resolve the situation.  It felt like there simply wasn't a right way to deal with the situation.  How long have you been with her? Would love to hear what stategies you have used that are successful.  Is she trying to triangulate with her ex during those times? I would hear about the ex more during the periods of dysregulation.  I also suggested couples counseling -  that was not even entertained as an option.  I really wish you well, mostly in just taking care of you.   My health suffered while I was with my ex but rebounded quite easily after my ex ended it without explanation as I was very nervous all the time... .seemed like everything i did was wrong and I just became someone other than me, more insecure and nervous waiting for the other shoe to fall.  Anyway, good luck

[EaglesJuju]

Hi whitebackatcha, 

Welcome aboard.  Long distance relationships with people with BPD (pwBPD) are really hard.   

Sensitivity to perceived criticism is common amongst pwBPD. PwBPD have unstable emotional experiences and their mood frequently changes.  These emotions are usually very intense and out of proportion to events and circumstances.  The erratic emotions/moods have a tendency to be reflective of interpersonal stresses.  During periods of emotional dysregulation, a pwBPD has a tendency to perceive things in a distorted manner.

Fortunately, there are ways to communicate with a pwBPD to help getting our point/feelings across and alleviating a pwBPD's feelings of "criticism."  Communication tools help tremendously. The motto here on the staying board is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse."  Learning how to effectively communication with your BPD really can improve your relationship. I had the same problem with my bf feeling "criticized" when I brought up certain things. Prior to using communication tools, I kept arguing back with him and getting defensive myself. It was like I was throwing gasoline on a fire.  I started to use communication tools and our communication has improved greatly.  Here is an article to help you get started. TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Trust is very hard for a pwBPD. For many pwBPD, a lack of trust originated from their caretakers who provided an invalidating environment.  You mentioned having a level of intimacy that you never had before. I am assuming that this helps with her level of trust?  Learning the behaviors of pwBPD and their coping mechanisms really helps with understanding why your pwBPD shuts down, withdraws, or freezes. 

It is really tough coping with all of these confusing and erratic behaviors from a long distance. Your story is very similar to my situation. I went/am coping with the same type of behavior. 

Perhaps you can share more of your story so we can help you better?   

[whitebackatcha]

What is useful to know?

[Hawk Ridge]

When I came onto this forum, I was shaken to the core as I could not understand what happened.  I was left without an explanation so my shame kicked in after months of verbal abuse and relationship exits and the silent treatment, again all very similar to what you described.  Your story helped me - thank you.  At the time I started, I thought tht loss of my relationship was so confusing, really made me question my own perceptions.  By sharingmy own story here and recieving acceptance and understanding, I gained greater insight as to what happened, how I contributed and how I actually had NOT contributed. I still hsve a lot of work to do recover from that relationship.   If you feel like talking, this is a safe place.  You may find it useful to share your story.  No pressure either way.  Just know you are not slone. 

[EaglesJuju]

What is useful to know?

The lessons on the right side of this page are a great place to start.   

[whitebackatcha]

What is useful to know?

The lessons on the right side of this page are a great place to start.   

You had asked for more information about my situation. I was referring to that. I neglected to quote, sorry.

[EaglesJuju]

What is useful to know?

The lessons on the right side of this page are a great place to start.   

You had asked for more information about my situation. I was referring to that. I neglected to quote, sorry.

Sharing anything is helpful.     What specific things does she become very sensitive about?  What has changed in the terms of your relationship?