I didn't cave in today

[SlyQQ]

Your partners goals will likely be to destroy you she will probably project that like her you will be easy to provoke an evoke a rash action for which she will be fully prepared to take advantage off

your goal is to love cherish and protect your kids ( not destroy your p ) if you can be seen as the victim here you will gain there sympathy tell them you are trying to work things out with there mum an make every efort to do so despite what is thrown at you ( remember your most important allies are your children if you deliberately hurt thier mum you will hurt them

p.s. i am guessing here but the thrust of what i am saying is clear i hope

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

As hard as it is to experience it, that is indeed what she would like to do.

Make it as difficult as possible for me. She's about to find out that it will not be so easy to destroy me. And i will be an inconvenient thriver LOL.

[Cat Familiar]

Moselle, you're strong and you're resolved to do whatever is in the best interests of your children. That will be plain to see when you get into the court system.   

[Moselle]

She has refused me access to the house again. And she forces me to see the children whilst they are at the neighbour's. My L said we cannot allow precedent and for this to become status quo, so I have taken legal measures and when they are served on her by the sherrif, she is going to hit the roof. I really feel for her because this is going to throw her into a serious dysregulation, but she is refusing me access to my house, and I will not jeopardise my custodial rights by sitting still. I have said to her for two days in a row now. "I urge you to reconsider your position"... .she thinks she is very clever about this. It's too late now, the court process begins... .Her move will counter mine and I guess the split becomes ugly.

Heaven help us through this. Heaven help my children. I will be at their side

[SlyQQ]

be careful on letting her know your main objective is the kids make her think it is money or the house which she will understand if she knows it is the kids it will bring them into the line of fire make the kids appear an afterthought if you can possibly even an unfair offer you know she wont acceppt but will cast you in a good light e.g. you have house mon thurs and sat she has house for other four days this is a generous offer an if refused you can say it was more than fair

[sweetheart]

I just want to echo SlyQQ re the children. I'm sure you know to play anything concerning them close to your chest. What do you feel about getting some kind of access to them sorted this side of the divorce, is she blocking you from seeing them when you want at the moment ?

Sending you many hugs for you and your children Moselle.  x however many you want.

[formflier]

 

What does this mean... ."refused access".  Why not just go in... .do you have copies of the deed showing it is yours?  Again... only do this if lawyer says ok... .but I'm trying to understand what refused means

[Moselle]

She has locked it from the inside at the back door. And the front has a yale lock and a security gate. She has the only set of keys for the front door. Poor planning Moselle. Or clever by her. actually clever by her

I suppose I could have a locksmith remove the locks and replace them. This might be better than going the legal route.

[formflier]

She has locked it from the inside at the back door. And the front has a yale lock and a security gate. She has the only set of keys for the front door. Poor planning Moselle. Or clever by her. actually clever by her

I suppose I could have a locksmith remove the locks and replace them. This might be better than going the legal route.

Do not make any moves without the approval or your L... .they will think through the angles.  Can you talk to him about this today?

[sweetheart]

Here in the UK as long as you have proof of residence ( which I'm sure you have plenty of in the house ) you can use a locksmith to change the locks, ' having lost your key.'

I did this during an acrimonious split. I hadn't moved out but came home from work expartner had changed the locks!

Called a locksmith and regained entry to my own home, ex contacted police who attended later and advised seeking legal advice but did not get involved as house was jointly owned.

[Moselle]

I'm nervous of the restraining order against me, before I get one against her. Unfortunately I'm realising that the courts favour a mother against a father. It's just reality. If I change the locks it may be what she's waiting for.

I don't want to lose my cool. Then she wins

[formflier]

I'm nervous of the restraining order against me, before I get one against her. Unfortunately I'm realising that the courts favour a mother against a father. It's just reality. If I change the locks it may be what she's waiting for.

I don't want to lose my cool. Then she wins

I did not know you had an RO... .what does lawyer say about it?

[Moselle]

I'm rethinking my strategy here. I'd love some feedback.

If i file this restraining order, it puts us at immediate loggerheads which means time, money, energy, pain for all concerned.

I actually precipitated this moment by saying to her that 2015 is different. I'm not willing to have more destruction.  I asked her to choose "with me" or "to leave". She's made her choice. Living at home with her through all this would be painful at best and downright destructive at worst.

Am I not staring a gift horse in the face, and trying to fight with it?

I'm a better father away from her. I'm a better business man away from her.

Let me just negotiate carefully the most advantageous terms possible, take it from there and focus on my children and my career.

2015 may be my emergent year. Emerging from the shadow of BPD.

I'm in fighting mode, but I'm questioning the wisdom of it.

[formflier]

I'm in fighting mode, but I'm questioning the wisdom of it.

Question the wisdom of tactics... .don't question the wisdom of "fighting mode".  What do you think will happen if you are a pacifist.

What is your lawyers take on her RO?

[Cat Familiar]

I'm rethinking my strategy here. I'd love some feedback.

If i file this restraining order, it puts us at immediate loggerheads which means time, money, energy, pain for all concerned.

I actually precipitated this moment by saying to her that 2015 is different. I'm not willing to have more destruction.  I asked her to choose "with me" or "to leave". She's made her choice. Living at home with her through all this would be painful at best and downright destructive at worst.

Am I not staring a gift horse in the face, and trying to fight with it?

I'm a better father away from her. I'm a better business man away from her.

Let me just negotiate carefully the most advantageous terms possible, take it from there and focus on my children and my career.

2015 may be my emergent year. Emerging from the shadow of BPD.

I'm in fighting mode, but I'm questioning the wisdom of it.

When I went through a divorce years ago, I was afraid for my safety at times. That said, I asked my attorney to file a restraining order. He disagreed with me and told me that it would really add fuel to the fire. For me, I think that was a wise choice. The divorce got unbelievably ugly and my BPD exH started to get unhinged, but fortunately my fears for my safety were just fears and nothing bad happened. It's definitely a gamble if there's a possibility of violence, but I do believe a restraining order can make the divorce much more volatile.

[Grey Kitty]

Moselle, I don't think your fighting mood/mode is going to serve you well quite yet, however I do believe that your resolve to have a different 2015 will serve you VERY well.

Q1: Before your strategy, what is your goal?

Is it to end your marriage, and get as much custody as you can for your kids? Or are you not certain of that yet? If so, post on the legal board instead of here.

If you aren't sure of your goal, post on the undecided board.

Next, if your goal involves divorce,  don't come out swinging--talk to a lawyer, form a strategy, and act on it. (And post more on the legal board than the staying board!) A good legal strategy may well involve retreats as well as attacks, and for very good reasons.

Questions like how hard you should fight to stay in the house depend on your goal and your strategy... .it would be hard to give good advice until that is clear.


OTOH, your wife is saying divorce/end it right now. But she has BPD. She can turn on a dime, and does frequently. Perhaps she will stick with this, but perhaps not. Make your decision based on what you want for yourself and your children, and based on your wife's behavior. Don't pay as much attention to what she says.

[Moselle]

Thanks GK,

I'm grappling with this.  I think divorce is inevitable. There's 10% hope in me that we can somehow make an amicable split, change and remarry later. Not sure how realistic that is.