I get panicked everytime I hear anything about her

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

I'm not sure why, but every time I think or hear of Schizoaffective/BPDsis I get extremely nervous.  It's really weird and unpleasant.  Just thinking about her gets me all worked up.  It's to a point were I come here to post when I need to vent, but have a hard time coming back just to read other people's posts when I'm doing ok because I don't want to trigger myself.  (I feel really selfish for that BTW).

I work in a huge, old brick building which houses quite a few offices/studios.  My brother just told me that BPDsis is dating the owner of one of the businesses in my building.  BPDsis and I are no contact, I just had to cut her off, I couldn't take the abuse anymore.  The news of her dating someone in my work building is freaking me out.  Am I over reacting here?  I certainly don't go anywhere near that office but just the thought of bumping into her, or her new boyfriend knowing who I am, but me not knowing what he looks like is really getting me nervous.  Is this PTSD on my part?

Thanks,

[sisterofbpd]

Hi all,

I'm not sure why, but every time I think or hear of Schizoaffective/BPDsis I get extremely nervous.  It's really weird and unpleasant.  Just thinking about her gets me all worked up.  It's to a point were I come here to post when I need to vent, but have a hard time coming back just to read other people's posts when I'm doing ok because I don't want to trigger myself.  (I feel really selfish for that BTW).

I work in a huge, old brick building which houses quite a few offices/studios.  My brother just told me that BPDsis is dating the owner of one of the businesses in my building.  BPDsis and I are no contact, I just had to cut her off, I couldn't take the abuse anymore.  The news of her dating someone in my work building is freaking me out.  Am I over reacting here?  I certainly don't go anywhere near that office but just the thought of bumping into her, or her new boyfriend knowing who I am, but me not knowing what he looks like is really getting me nervous.  Is this PTSD on my part?

Thanks,

[JRT]

I think that this is normal... .I know that I would probably freak out a little bit if I heard the same thing about mine... .I am not sure that I would be perfecly composed if I even just has an ordinary conversation with her... .go easy on yourself

[Harri]

Hi there!  I don't know if you are over-reacting or not, but I do know your feelings are your feelings and in that sense, they are normal.     I think it is natural to feel nervous and anxious around people who are abusive and nasty.  The thing is, it is happening to you even when there is no contact and that does concern me a bit.  It could be panic attacks or PTSD.  Have you ever gone for counseling for some of the issues that arise from having a sibling with BPD and Schizoaffective?  I ask not because I think there is anything wrong with you but it seems like you could use some support (apart from what you get here  ) and a therapist might be able to help you work through the anxiety in smaller doses so that you can build up a tolerance of sorts.  Not that I think you should be spending time with your sister or reinstate contact, but to be able to at least think about her without being triggered.  I never did choose to go no contact but my understanding is that it is primarily to get you out of immediate danger and to work on healing.  Sometimes that entails going for therapy. 

[rebl.brown]

Thanks for sharing your personal story and struggle.  I just want to encourage you.  This can get better and you can take your power back but you'll have to work on it.  When you continue to have feelings like you described even when you're not around the triggering person you have to work on deeper inner healing.  When you feel more at peace inside even if you ran into your sis you would be fine.  Read, read, read, get a good therapist, 12 step group, meditation, prayer, retreats, etc. etc.  Whatever you have to do, it will be worth it.  I have finally been able to come to a place of peace about my BPD mother and it is a wonderful place to be.  Protect yourself, you deserve that.  Right now, if you ran into your sis you can just walk away.  Take your power back with action.  I hope this helps to some small degree.  Thinking of you

[sisterofbpd]

I think that this is normal... .I know that I would probably freak out a little bit if I heard the same thing about mine... .I am not sure that I would be perfecly composed if I even just has an ordinary conversation with her... .go easy on yourself

Thanks.  When she's around I'm never composed and always nervous.

The thing is, it is happening to you even when there is no contact and that does concern me a bit.  It could be panic attacks or PTSD.  Have you ever gone for counseling for some of the issues that arise from having a sibling with BPD and Schizoaffective?  I ask not because I think there is anything wrong with you but it seems like you could use some support (apart from what you get here  smiley) and a therapist might be able to help you work through the anxiety in smaller doses so that you can build up a tolerance of sorts.  Not that I think you should be spending time with your sister or reinstate contact, but to be able to at least think about her without being triggered.  I never did choose to go no contact but my understanding is that it is primarily to get you out of immediate danger and to work on healing.  Sometimes that entails going for therapy. 

Thank you, yes it is weird that I get nervous just thinking things about her.  Not ordinary things, like a good memory, just nasty things that I hear she is either doing now.  Not that she particularly did anything nasty this time, but just the thought of her having a connection to were I work freaks me out.  I actually did try therapy.  The last one I went to was in a sense defending my sister because she is sick after all and can't help her behavior and that she doesn't know to get help on her own.  I really thought that was weird and I went to this lady for some validation, not FOG.

Thanks for sharing your personal story and struggle.  I just want to encourage you.  This can get better and you can take your power back but you'll have to work on it.  When you continue to have feelings like you described even when you're not around the triggering person you have to work on deeper inner healing.  When you feel more at peace inside even if you ran into your sis you would be fine.  Read, read, read, get a good therapist, 12 step group, meditation, prayer, retreats, etc. etc.  Whatever you have to do, it will be worth it.  I have finally been able to come to a place of peace about my BPD mother and it is a wonderful place to be.  Protect yourself, you deserve that.  Right now, if you ran into your sis you can just walk away.  Take your power back with action.  I hope this helps to some small degree.  Thinking of you

Thank you for your kind words and advice!  I'm glad you are in a great place with your situation.  I actually can walk away pretending to be calm, but inside I'm a mess when it comes to her.

[Deb]

Thanks.  When she's around I'm never composed and always nervous.

I get this way too when I hear about or see my dBPD sister.It's been a long time since I have gone NC, but I guess my PTSD from living with her for my first 16 years and tehn reying to apppease her until I was in my 40's has taken it's toll. I am getting better at behaving as if nothing is wrong when I run into her.

[goingtostopthis]

SisterofBPD,

                   I have the same sort of problem. Im in a particular situation where Im living in the house that was my Aunts and my sister has been using the kitchen and living room area to house these two dogs they rescued off the road.

                        She shows up here twice a day to feed them and walk them and it is all ways uncomfortable for me. I dont want to talk to her if I can help  it so I all ways plan on something to do to keep me busy and out of her sight. I told my therapists about this and he didnt seem to think there was anything wrong with doing this. In the morning I sleep later then usual and I miss her being here entirely and in the afternoon I spent time in the barn with my horses until she leaves.   The only problem is that it takes her forever to leave and I cant figure out what on earth she is doing half the time. In the morning it should take her 10 to 15 minutes at the most to feed the dogs, but she stays an hour every morning.  It makes me so angry, until I reset my alarm and now I sleep right through it. I wake up and she's gone!    My therapist asked me: Well do you have any more ideas on how to cope with her like this? I told him there has got to be tons.  I dont have a job yet but when I do I will miss her entirely.  I dont know I could be wrong but sometimes I feel like she stays way too long here on purpose. It's like her way of showing her dominance over this place. Ive had problems with her bullying me, hence thee avoidance.  I figure ignoring her as much as possible is the answer, meaning all ways having my attention on something else, my own interests, not on her being here. Im hoping maybe she will get bored with being such a glutton with her time, do her business and go home like she should.

                    I think its working in the morning,but how can I know, Im a asleep.  It's wierd because when I am with the dogs myself they never bark. I taught them to stop. When she is here, it is non stop,she just let's them do it, its like she is almost encouraging them. They go on for a half an hour at a time and then on and off until she finally leaves.  Its no wonder I usually take off to the barn. It is so annoying. Fact or maybe fiction, its like she allows her own aggressiveness to come out through the dogs.  Subconsciously I think. It makes me want to charge in there and blast them all with a fire hose.

   But anyways,  someone here said just act like nothing is wrong and act normal. I know Im going to have to see her one of these days, by accident on my part at least and the best thing to do is to just act pleasant and all ways be on your way to having to do something else . Well,  I got to go, there's a 30 foot hole in the barn I need to cover up, see ya!  make something up, keep it short and sweet.  Ive decided and by the advise of my therapist, if she says something to trigger me or press my buttons, Im going to pretend that it is going right through me, ok, no problem! smile,  end the conversation , smile and move on.    

[Harri]

I actually did try therapy.  The last one I went to was in a sense defending my sister because she is sick after all and can't help her behavior and that she doesn't know to get help on her own.  I really thought that was weird and I went to this lady for some validation, not FOG.

Wow, that is just incredible.  Yes, your sister has an illness but she certainly could help her behavior if she chose to get help.  Regardless, you would still need validation and help in learning how to protect yourself emotionally so that you do not get panicky at just the thought of your sister!  What a nincompoop! 

I think rebl.brown is right on the money when it comes to protecting yourself and offers you good suggestions.  Going no contact is helpful, but only up to a point IMO.  It does not change anything within *you* to help you not be so upset after an encounter, whether in person or not. 

Have you been able to figure out exactly what causes you to feel so panicky?  What is the fear related to? 

[sisterofbpd]

I get this way too when I hear about or see my dBPD sister.It's been a long time since I have gone NC, but I guess my PTSD from living with her for my first 16 years and tehn reying to apppease her until I was in my 40's has taken it's toll. I am getting better at behaving as if nothing is wrong when I run into her.

I can so relate to this 

I feel like she stays way too long here on purpose.

Goingtostopthis: When I was in contact with BPDsis and we actually spent time together every so often, she would cause conflict and then would just refuse to leave all the while pretending like everything was fine.  Almost daring me to ask her to leave!

Wow, that is just incredible.  Yes, your sister has an illness but she certainly could help her behavior if she chose to get help.  Regardless, you would still need validation and help in learning how to protect yourself emotionally so that you do not get panicky at just the thought of your sister!  What a nincompoop! 

Yeah I felt this was weird as well but of course then you start to second guess yourself.  The more I thought about it, I really am right to stay NC with her.

Have you been able to figure out exactly what causes you to feel so panicky?  What is the fear related to? 

This is a good question and an even longer answer.  Schizoaffective/BPDsis is 8 years older than me.  She has put me on a pedestal and then thrown me off belitteing/bulling me my entire life.  When she valued me, I really looked up to her and almost would do anything to stay in her favor, I was impressionable.  She used to poison me against our mother (which honestly my mom was not great, but she just made it seem so much worse).  Back then I thought this was normal behavior.  I used to confide in her growing up, telling her extremely embarrassing things I've experienced only to have her email all those details to her friends, my family and extended family all the while CCing me in.  I have always hated confrontation and when she is around she's just not happy unless she is causing some kind of drama.  She has always been like this but it really started to escalate in her 40's to the point where I really started to realize this is way more than PMS or being in a bad mood, she has some real mental issues.  A few years ago she started having extreme hallucinations (about bugs or some kind of parasite in her body).  At the time I gave her the benefit of the doubt, was very supportive of her as she went to multiple doctors/hospitals to figure out what was wrong.  After seeing about 15 doctors who all said that this was some kind of mental disorder, well I couldn't help but believe them (this was before she was diagnosed Schizoaffective/BPD).  I really love my sister (even if I don't like her much, especially in recent years) and I had a REALLY hard time telling her that I agreed with the doctors and urged her to get help.  Her response was to tell me how horrible I am and the rest of our family is and she cut us off for 2 years.

After that she was mental hygiene arrested for a suicide attempt and a couple of weeks after she was released was arrested again for walking in public naked.  Still she refuses to admit that any of this is due to a problem she has.  The Naked incident was because her neighbor she was sleeping with had apparently "drugged" her.  She is Exasperated that the rest of us don't agree that this is the obvious reason for that to have happened.  While she was in the hosp. that time she was flipping out because she thought me and our entire family was dead.  I went to the hosp. to see her along with my parents (hoping that finally she is going to agree to accept the help she needs).  All she did was blame everyone else for her being there.  She was talking about how she wanted to be discharged and my Dad (who is not in great health) said "I don't think you are ready to be released yet." At this her eyes went completely CRAZY!  Like a look you would see in a horror film, she walked over to him and started slapping at his hands and arm really hard until one of the workers tole her to knock it off to which she said she was only joking around.  I REALLY hate confrontation but I honestly thought I was going to have to jump on her to get her away from my Dad. 

Even before all the hospital stays she has always tried to pick fights with everyone.  Now, since I'm the one that tried to help her, it's me she tries to pick the fight with whenever she sees me.  She will get right in my face so it's hard to ignore her.  Anyway, I'm sure a combination of all these things and more are the reason I get so panicky around her.  I do care about her, I want nothing bad to happen to her but I honestly can't say that I would ever want to see her again.

[funfunctional]

hi Sister of Bpd,

Your emotional response is due to repeated negative actions/behavior that your BPD sister did.   The knot in your stomach.   At some point we become almost afraid of being anywhere near them because they are so volatile and sometimes just plain nasty.

I suspect it bothers you about her dating someone in your building is becuz you wonder if she is pulling this to poke you or get closer to you or something.      maybe?  Maybe not?

I had to ask my dad to stop talking to me about my sister.   Everytine he brought up her name my stomach hurt. That is anxiety.     

Do you get a knot in your stomach when you see a mountain lion?   

How about when you see a bunny rabbitt?

Why?  What do we expect in terms of behavior from each?

Stay with the bunnies!

[Linda Maria]

Hi sisterofBPD!  Sorry to hear about how you're feeling.  I too have a uBPDsis, and things have only been really bad the last 2 years, following my Mum's death.  I won't go into details as I've posted a lot elsewhere - usual stuff - really vile smear campaign, hate mail etc.  I don't get panic attacks exactly, and I'm mainly NC, but when she starts up again - and I get letters, or my solicitor gets letters from her that he has to send me, all the feelings come back, I find myself clenching my fists, grinding my teeth, I get aches and pains, I get headaches, I find it difficult to sleep etc.  I can usually get control of this now fairly quickly, by distracting myself, and it is getting easier.  So I just want to say that I think it is completely normal and understandable, and I think you just have to be aware of it, and find things that distract you and calm you down, like going for a walk, playing music, exercise, whatever it is.  That worked for me anyway.  Wish you well.

[sisterofbpd]

At some point we become almost afraid of being anywhere near them because they are so volatile and sometimes just plain nasty.

I'm sure this is why, I just really need her completely out of my life.  Sad to say, but true.

I suspect it bothers you about her dating someone in your building is becuz you wonder if she is pulling this to poke you or get closer to you or something.      maybe?  Maybe not?

This is certainly making me wonder. I have blocked her on FB, I have blocked her from texting or calling my phone.  Even through all her nastiness and telling me not to contact her (I don't) she always finds some way to contact me.  I guess I'm wondering if this is what it is this time.  I highly doubt this relationship will last anyway (not that I'm wishing anything bad on her) she is just not capable of maintaining any kind of close relationship without it ending in a ton of drama.

Do you get a knot in your stomach when you see a mountain lion?   

How about when you see a bunny rabbitt?

Why?  What do we expect in terms of behavior from each?

Stay with the bunnies!

Thank you, 

So I just want to say that I think it is completely normal and understandable, and I think you just have to be aware of it, and find things that distract you and calm you down, like going for a walk, playing music, exercise, whatever it is.  That worked for me anyway.  Wish you well.

Thank you!  Yes, I do things to get my mind off of her.  It kinda has been my defense mechanism for years now and it certainly helps!

[Harri]

Hi sisterofBPD. 

Anyway, I'm sure a combination of all these things and more are the reason I get so panicky around her.  I do care about her, I want nothing bad to happen to her but I honestly can't say that I would ever want to see her again.

That is quite a list of rotten things she has done to you and I understand why you would never want to see her again and why you would be nervous at the possibility of more trouble with her even though you love her. 

Being nervous and upset when you do have an encounter with her is totally understandable.  I also understand why you say

"I actually can walk away pretending to be calm, but inside I'm a mess when it comes to her."

My question for you is whether you want to work on this last part?  Do you want to be able to think about her without being "freaked out" and have an encounter where yes, you feel nervous and upset, but are not 'a mess inside'? 

I don't want to push you into places or behaviors you do not want to go, but (!) I think it is possible to get to the point where you can think about her, hear of her latest escapades and possibly even run into her and not have feelings that are more than a temporary blip on your radar.  I am not saying to stop your no contact as I think in your situation it is the best solution for you.  In a way though, when she is able to cause you such upset without actually interacting with you, you *are* still having contact with her in the sense that she is still in your head.   Does that make sense?  I mean no offense and it is possible I am over interpreting your posts so please let me know if I am out of line.  I am concerned about you and just wonder if there is something that you can do so that things are not so difficult for you.

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Harri,

You raised some very good points, and no offense was taken at all!

My question for you is whether you want to work on this last part?  Do you want to be able to think about her without being "freaked out" and have an encounter where yes, you feel nervous and upset, but are not 'a mess inside'?

That's a great question and a complicated one to answer.  I guess I may probably wonder what type of person I was if encountering here didn't have any effect on me at all, yet I would love to not be close to a near panic attack.  The only way I can put this into perspective is thinking about a child near a busy street.  You want that child to have a certain level of fear so that they realize they need to cross safely.  I guess it probably has served me well to have my guard up when she is around (not that this happens often).

I don't want to push you into places or behaviors you do not want to go, but (!) I think it is possible to get to the point where you can think about her, hear of her latest escapades and possibly even run into her and not have feelings that are more than a temporary blip on your radar.  I am not saying to stop your no contact as I think in your situation it is the best solution for you.  In a way though, when she is able to cause you such upset without actually interacting with you, you *are* still having contact with her in the sense that she is still in your head.   Does that make sense?

I would love to get to that point were it was just a temporary blip on my radar.  And yes, I totally see what you mean about my thoughts of her sort of being like in contact.  Definitely things for me to think about and work on!   

[AchiChokyi]

Hello,

I have been NC with uBPD brother for almost 6 years now. He lives nearby so the possibility of running into him is pretty high! I nearly ran into him at a store a couple years ago and I could feel the blood draining from my head and my body going into high gear as adrenaline pumped through me. I promptly had a full blown panic attack as I ducked into an isle to avoid him.

I think the fear lessens and gets better in time as I was in line to get gas a couple weeks ago and he was just one pump down from me and I was pretty freaked out but had no panic attack! I think he saw me and he took off in a hurry. Whew!

I think my biggest fear was having him attack me in public. Since his last outburst at me before NC was a violent public one, I think I had legitimate worry that he may escalate. I think actually that the fact that you feel panic is a sign that you are drawing boundaries to what behavior is acceptable. Before going NC, I used to feel shocked, upset or hurt by my brother, but rarely afraid. The fact that I became more afraid as I drew healthy boundaries for myself is significant. It is a sign of healing.

BTW, Yoga is a great way to teach yourself to relax.

Take care  

   

[sisterofbpd]

Before going NC, I used to feel shocked, upset or hurt by my brother, but rarely afraid. The fact that I became more afraid as I drew healthy boundaries for myself is significant. It is a sign of healing.

BTW, Yoga is a great way to teach yourself to relax.

Wow, I guess I never looked at it like that!  Yes, I certainly have to try Yoga 

[Liz Turner]

I can relate. The last time I got a hateful text from her was in the middle of the night and my heart just went off like a jackhammer. When my parents mention my sister I feel violated and traumatized because they usually try to gloss over what's going on and chalk it up to "sibling rivalry." They are finally seeing that something is really wrong, thank God!

[sisterofbpd]

When my parents mention my sister I feel violated and traumatized because they usually try to gloss over what's going on and chalk it up to "sibling rivalry." They are finally seeing that something is really wrong,

I'm glad they are starting to see it.  For the longest time my parents and even I made excuses for her behavior because we didn't understand it.  Then finally it came to a head and there was no denying there is something seriously wrong with her.