Tell any friends that you ex has BPD? Is their reaction like mine?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am still seeing family and friends that either did not know about my breakup or are asking 'what happened... .you seemed so happy together'. Of course I tell them the lite version of the story and then indicate that that she likely has Borderline Personality Disorder. I think that I am going to just stop saying this as even close friends look at me as IF I am the crazy one. Anyone get a similar reaction?

[JRT]

I am still seeing family and friends that either did not know about my breakup or are asking 'what happened... .you seemed so happy together'. Of course I tell them the lite version of the story and then indicate that that she likely has Borderline Personality Disorder. I think that I am going to just stop saying this as even close friends look at me as IF I am the crazy one. Anyone get a similar reaction?

[Mutt]

Hi JRT,

Yes I got looks like I'm the crazy one. I think mental illness is difficult for people to empathize with it. Unless they have a loved ones in their life that suffers from mental illness. Take divorce for example. The people irl that "get it" have gone through something similar.

The disorder is complex and stigmatized and people may connect with it from pop culture.

My wife isn't crazy, she has an emotional based disorder. She has difficulties regulating emotions and is emotionally arrested at a level of a 2-4. She was my wife, our marriage. My marriage was between her and I and my relationship with her is my own irregardless of people's thoughts, opinions and feelings.

I keep BPD on the boards and don't justify, explain her to family or friends. I see her as the mother if my kids and she's wired differently.

[JRT]

Well said... .I figured that if I left out the word 'unconscious' that I would be ok, . That didn't work. Its better to just say the minimum, 'Its the strangest thing: she simply disappeared'.

[Tim300]

I tell people.  I've found that my most intelligent friends seem to get it.  And so do my friends who take the time to look up what BPD is.  Others don't seem to get it and are more like ":)ude, she's just not that in to you, get over it."  (Mind you, my ex pursued getting me to propose to her for 1.5 years and ultimately begged for the ring.)  Another issue is that some people will question your judgement for getting engaged or remaining engaged for so long to someone with a mental illness.  I maintain a pretty good network of friends who I believe respect me, so for the most part people have understood that she is mentally ill and that the severity of the illness doesn't manifest itself until a close emotional bond happens (e.g., like moving in together).  When people simply look up what BPD is they seem to get it -- and it helps that I provide some indisputable facts that she's coming from a place of dysfunction. 

My motivation for mentioning BPD is in part to vindicate myself and in part that I want other people to know that BPD exists -- I feel like I have some duty to let my single guy friends know to watch out for this disorder.  I feel like I will almost always mention BPD as the reason for the breakup, for the rest of my life.  I don't want to say "It just didn't work out" because that's not honestly what happened and it's not fair to me to have it painted like that, and I don't want this disorder to be swept under the rug.

Some of my "friends" who haven't had a sympathetic, curious, understanding response to my situation are now a little lower down on my list of friends.  Going through an experience like this can help open your eyes a bit as to who your true friends are.

The only people I would not mention BPD to are mutual friends (because I don't want to get killed).

[JRT]

Your friends seem to be very sympathetic... .mine, even the most educated and sympathetic ones listen with patience and don't really probe for more; it says what they are thinking, no doubt. I have also had the 'she just wasn't into you' remarks as well or 'good thing it happened now as opposed to later'... .I know they mean well but the former for some reason makes me feel insulted.

[Ripped Heart]

I've been quite fortunate in that some of my friends who saw my r/s were actually the ones who were also able to recognise it.

My sister works with adults who have PD's so BPD came as no surprise to her. Another friend is a Mental Health co-ordinator and she was the one who approached me to ask if BPDgf had BPD. Finally, my best friend was married to pwBPD for 7 years, she was diagnosed last year. Although he doesn't know too much about BPD, and not really too concerned now that he is out of the marriage, he does know what it feels like to be in that kind of r/s.

[downwhim]

I too want people to know that this disorder exists! We have all been through so much. Others need to know the reason for the back and forth, the ups and downs, the heartbreak, anxiety, and the PTSD. It was not a normal break up. HE IS BORDERLINE. IT WAS NOT ME. DID I MAKE MISTAKES, YES, BUT A MENTAL ILLNESS IS THE REASON WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. When someone says, well your better off, it went on too long, he is a jerk, you'll find someone else, move on - it is all upsetting.

It is not ok that we are not together, it is not ok that he up and left abruptly, who does that after an engagement? It is not ok that I walked around in a daze like someone slugged me in the stomach for days.

We need our own support group.

[JRT]

I too want people to know that this disorder exists! We have all been through so much. Others need to know the reason for the back and forth, the ups and downs, the heartbreak, anxiety, and the PTSD. It was not a normal break up. HE IS BORDERLINE. IT WAS NOT ME. DID I MAKE MISTAKES, YES, BUT A MENTAL ILLNESS IS THE REASON WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. When someone says, well your better off, it went on too long, he is a jerk, you'll find someone else, move on - it is all upsetting.

It is not ok that we are not together, it is not ok that he up and left abruptly, who does that after an engagement? It is not ok that I walked around in a daze like someone slugged me in the stomach for days.

We need our own support group.

I so agree with you and fell badly that you went though this. My ex did the same thing... .it felt like a herd of elephants sat on my soul for a couple of months. It is NOT omk to breakup a relationship like they do... .and then cut off their loved ones... .and then demonstrate anger and contempt.

[Heldfast]

Had a moment yesterday which blew me away. My exBPD fiancee has run off, 7 weeks now, to live with another man in Seattle, as far away from the Virgin Islands as you can possibly go (and in the winter to boot). She left with no warning, having cultivated the relationship with this man via text (old boyfriend who she reconnected with when we attended their mutual friends wedding). She was a university professor here. One of her students who knows me came up to me while I was having coffee with my ex's former best friend, and asked "so you married to my teach yet?" I told him, "she left me, she's left island, she moved in with another man in Seattle. We suspect she has borderline personality disorder." He immediately started welling up with tears, and just asked "Professor G?" And I said, "yes, she's gone." Seeing what was happening, I stood up and hugged him and he just broke down sobbing in my arms. It's the only way I had to explain it.

When she left, one of her complaints was that she had no identity. Saw it up close though, this was her identity, loved and respected teacher, English professor who all the kids wanted to sign up for, even though she was the toughest grader. That's what she gave up, a thousand times over, in leaving here. To live with another man, and change her whole life, based on nothing but a few texts.

[JRT]

Sorry that you are going through that heldfast... .mine did a disappearing act as well and have not spoken with her yet... .although she is still local (as far as I suspect), she may as well be a million miles away... .

[Tim300]

Others need to know the reason for the back and forth, the ups and downs, the heartbreak, anxiety, and the PTSD. It was not a normal break up. HE IS BORDERLINE. IT WAS NOT ME. DID I MAKE MISTAKES, YES, BUT A MENTAL ILLNESS IS THE REASON WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. . . . it is not ok that he up and left abruptly, who does that after an engagement?

These words really resonate with me.  Well said.   

[Tim300]

JRT -- In your case it sounds a bit like the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts.  Perhaps mentioning this movie will help some of your friends understand.

In any event, another reaction I should mention is that some people will say something to the effect of "Where are you getting this diagnoses?  You're just diagnosing her?"  This reaction can be frustrating as well, especially after I've given a detailed account of all the craziness that took place.  No, I did not see a framed copy of an official diagnosis, but holy smokes, except for her absence of cutting, both her and her mother meet BPD to such a T that they should be the textbook examples in psychology courses.  BPD symptoms are such a random set of collective traits, if you see someone meeting almost all of the symptoms at full strength, guess what, the person has BPD -- no official, framed diagnosis is needed.  (Not to mention there was a lot of corroborating evidence, like my ex was doing DBT.)  I imagine that the vast majority of pwBPD will not get an official diagnosis at any point; and if there is an official diagnosis, there's probably a 95% chance they're not going to tell you (b/c they fear abandonment and don't trust anyone).

Another annoying reaction is "It sounds like you're just describing all women."  I try to explain that there is a big difference.  The notion that "All women are crazy" really seems to enable BPD behavior.  Guys need to know the difference and be able to spot it and walk away.  Also, it's not OK to cling to someone and beg for engagement and moving in together and then try to kill the person.  Such behavior should not be swept under the rug under the idea that "All women are crazy."

[Hazelrah]

In any event, another reaction I should mention is that some people will say something to the effect of "Where are you getting this diagnoses?  You're just diagnosing her?"  This reaction can be frustrating as well, especially after I've given a detailed account of all the craziness that took place. 

Good point.  Even without an official diagnosis of BPD, how many people would be willing to put up with some of the behaviors your SO was exhibiting? The behavior(s), not the diagnosis, is really the point of emphasis.

[Heldfast]

Anyone who was here, who knows what happened, or witnessed the sudden switch from happiness and asking me to marry her for two years, to I have to get out of here today and now I hate you, knows she's BPD. The remote, old friends, who know her from before just say "oh no, this is how she is, she's just chasing love, and you're just justifying to make it easier on yourself for getting dumped."

[apple2]

I am still seeing family and friends that either did not know about my breakup or are asking 'what happened... .you seemed so happy together'. Of course I tell them the lite version of the story and then indicate that that she likely has Borderline Personality Disorder. I think that I am going to just stop saying this as even close friends look at me as IF I am the crazy one. Anyone get a similar reaction?

Hi JRT,

I could not find my old post including the conversation with you.

I want to tell you, I decided to leave. I still have a lot of love for him, unconditional love. But if his devil took his mind, let him be so happy with his manipulation theory, I can not do anything. I also can not live like this.  

I know that you are in love with your ex. Therefore, you try to figure out what happened and what you can do. Just like me. But maybe we really need to take care of ourselves first, since we always put their needs in front of ours.

Deeply inside, of course I still want that he can be back. But I cannot do anything. Maybe if I can put him aside, and concentrate on me, he will be back. It's hard. I am ready to support him if he wants to change. But if he does not want, I must leave, no matter how painful it is. No matter how strong my love for him is.

JRT, take care of yourself. And the time will give an answer to everything.

[downwhim]

Heldfast,

You and I and JRT were all left abruptly. I was just reading that abandonment is a narcissistic injury. I live in Portland, Oregon and was in Seattle last weekend. Let me tell you Heldfast,  it was so ugly, dark, raining, foggy and depressing. They compare our two cities but we are usually much warmer and not as dark and foggy from the ocean. It will get old for her!

Amazing how being engaged means nothing to them. Like all the times he would get mad and say he was leaving... .it didn't matter that there was a commitment and a promise.

They have such a hard time attaching. Like your ex, even to her students there was no real bond. I saw my ex dump his best friend of 14 years. He yelled at him over some pot deal and then it was over. They haven't talked in 4 years no. So strange.

[JRT]

Heldfast,

You and I and JRT were all left abruptly. I was just reading that abandonment is a narcissistic injury. I live in Portland, Oregon and was in Seattle last weekend. Let me tell you Heldfast,  it was so ugly, dark, raining, foggy and depressing. They compare our two cities but we are usually much warmer and not as dark and foggy from the ocean. It will get old for her!

Amazing how being engaged means nothing to them. Like all the times he would get mad and say he was leaving... .it didn't matter that there was a commitment and a promise.

They have such a hard time attaching. Like your ex, even to her students there was no real bond. I saw my ex dump his best friend of 14 years. He yelled at him over some pot deal and then it was over. They haven't talked in 4 years no. So strange.

Hey Down... .what do you mean by abandonment being a narcissistic injury?

I have a different understanding of attachment and pwBPD: as I understand it they DO attach. The romantic relationship can end or be put on hold (which, apparently is an entirely separate thing within the framework of an attachment). Some of their inability to unattach is manifested in cases where they continue to call, text, email, FB stalk etc or show up weeks, months or years later and (in some cases) expect to pick up right where they left off... .recycling is another example. Correct me if I am wrong about this.

I agree with you about being engaged or even being married, having children, shared financial assets etc. It is all about them and none of these things matter at all. They walk away from them with little pomp and circumstance. However, the move that I study and understand BPD, the more that I understand that they suffer horribly after doing so. Many of don't even really know fully why they do it, they just do. Some part of them often feels the pain, the loss, the loneliness and regret. The anger that fills the vacuum in the wake prevents them from doing anything healthy.

Its tragic... .all of these cases are huge tragedies especially when one considers that one good person in the beginning is hurt and damaged... .that person goes on to damage and cause pain to more people when in reality, the thing that they want the most is the thing that they destroy over and over again.

[Gonzalo]

An awful lot of our friends are mutual friends, so I'm careful about talking to much in general; my standard story is 'we were arguing all the time, we weren't able to work it out, so we had to split,' which is true without being too revealing and tends to discourage further questions. The close friends that I rely on for support seem to accept it, but more with the attitude of 'That's probably right, but the important thing is that she's crazy and you did way more than anyone could expect to make things work'.

There was actually a friend (closer to her) who claimed some therapy training who I was planning to tell something like 'look, she's got a problem, here's what I think it is, here's why, try and get her to acknowledge it and get into therapy'. But she vented to the friend about how terrible I am to the point the person told me she doesn't like me and thinks I'm a thief.

I don't see any point in trying to spread it as a warning. If someone wants to pick sides, her behavior will eventually tell or they'll just get mixed up in the crazy. If someone wants to date her, they're not likely to put much weight in 'her ex- doesn't like her and says mean things' (I certainly wouldn't have listened to her previous ex-, though by independent accounts he has his own issues).

[JRT]

That might work in most cases. But how does one explain ':)unno... .I went out of town and she moved out... .I came  home and everything was gone. Yes, that's correct, she had JUST moved in. Uh huh, we never argued... .I thought we looked happy too. Nope... .she complained about absolutely nothing. Yes, I HAVE tried to contact her to see waht the problem was and try to work it out, but she has me blocked on her phone... .yes, also via email... .and social media. Yes, thats why she unfriended you. I tired to call her, she called the cops.'

[Tim300]

That might work in most cases. But how does one explain ':)unno... .I went out of town and she moved out... .I came  home and everything was gone. Yes, that's correct, she had JUST moved in. Uh huh, we never argued... .I thought we looked happy too. Nope... .she complained about absolutely nothing. Yes, I HAVE tried to contact her to see waht the problem was and try to work it out, but she has me blocked on her phone... .yes, also via email... .and social media. Yes, thats why she unfriended you. I tired to call her, she called the cops.'

I think it's fair to explain BPD to people.  Tell people to look up BPD on the Internet and read about it.  Explain that it's a mental illness where the person becomes nasty and/or runs at the point of emotional intimacy.  Tell them that it sounds like a crazy concept, but it's actually a well-recognized psychological problem and there are thousands of stories written about it online.

I agree with an above commentator that people aren't likely to put too much weight on what an ex says, but I think this might be different.  We have a very specific mental illness to point to.  With the power of the Internet, people can look up the illness.  It seems like the Internet really has the power to help "out" the illness that is BPD. Anyone who has been close enough to her or becomes close enough will see the BPD in her.         

[Gonzalo]

I agree with an above commentator that people aren't likely to put too much weight on what an ex says, but I think this might be different.  We have a very specific mental illness to point to.  With the power of the Internet, people can look up the illness.  It seems like the Internet really has the power to help "out" the illness that is BPD. Anyone who has been close enough to her or becomes close enough will see the BPD in her.

In the specific case you're talking about where the BPD ex just up and left, that should work because there's a big chunk of evidence right there. And if you're talking to friends who aren't in her social circles, I don't see any harm. But if you had what looks to the outside world like a normal split and don't want to get involved in huge drama with someone who loves drama and believes they are 100% right about what a bad person you are, I think you have to let it rest. You've really got nothing to back your amateur diagnosis unless you start telling a lot of 'she did bad things' stories, and she probably has a bunch of worse ones about you that she fervently believes.

I know that if my ex's former boyfriend had come to me and told me that she was a specific type of crazy and that she did all kinds of bad stuff, I wouldn't have bought it. It's too easy for a person to say 'oh, my ex- was terrible' out of vindictiveness or hurt (and there was someone in our social circle trying that kind of smear rather openly). And even if I looked up BPD, she would be in full-blown honeymoon phase mirroring and idealizing, and not doing ANY of the bad stuff, so I'd figure he was making stuff up.

I'm not saying 'never say a word', but to avoid the 'trying to warn the new guy off'. I think you could end up triggering a smear campaign of epic proportions, and you're not likely to help the next partner.

[Tim300]

I agree with an above commentator that people aren't likely to put too much weight on what an ex says, but I think this might be different.  We have a very specific mental illness to point to.  With the power of the Internet, people can look up the illness.  It seems like the Internet really has the power to help "out" the illness that is BPD. Anyone who has been close enough to her or becomes close enough will see the BPD in her.

In the specific case you're talking about where the BPD ex just up and left, that should work because there's a big chunk of evidence right there. And if you're talking to friends who aren't in her social circles, I don't see any harm. But if you had what looks to the outside world like a normal split and don't want to get involved in huge drama with someone who loves drama and believes they are 100% right about what a bad person you are, I think you have to let it rest. You've really got nothing to back your amateur diagnosis unless you start telling a lot of 'she did bad things' stories, and she probably has a bunch of worse ones about you that she fervently believes.

I know that if my ex's former boyfriend had come to me and told me that she was a specific type of crazy and that she did all kinds of bad stuff, I wouldn't have bought it. It's too easy for a person to say 'oh, my ex- was terrible' out of vindictiveness or hurt (and there was someone in our social circle trying that kind of smear rather openly). And even if I looked up BPD, she would be in full-blown honeymoon phase mirroring and idealizing, and not doing ANY of the bad stuff, so I'd figure he was making stuff up.

I'm not saying 'never say a word', but to avoid the 'trying to warn the new guy off'. I think you could end up triggering a smear campaign of epic proportions, and you're not likely to help the next partner.

All good points.  Thanks.  And as a general rule of thumb it is always good to consider not speaking negatively about anyone or revealing anyone's personal information.  Also, I would definitely not try to communicate with the new guy.  No matter what you say, it's probably good to throw in something positive, like that you care about her and wish the best for her.

[cehlers55]

Had a moment yesterday which blew me away. My exBPD fiancee has run off, 7 weeks now, to live with another man in Seattle, as far away from the Virgin Islands as you can possibly go (and in the winter to boot). She left with no warning, having cultivated the relationship with this man via text (old boyfriend who she reconnected with when we attended their mutual friends wedding). She was a university professor here. One of her students who knows me came up to me while I was having coffee with my ex's former best friend, and asked "so you married to my teach yet?" I told him, "she left me, she's left island, she moved in with another man in Seattle. We suspect she has borderline personality disorder." He immediately started welling up with tears, and just asked "Professor G?" And I said, "yes, she's gone." Seeing what was happening, I stood up and hugged him and he just broke down sobbing in my arms. It's the only way I had to explain it.

When she left, one of her complaints was that she had no identity. Saw it up close though, this was her identity, loved and respected teacher, English professor who all the kids wanted to sign up for, even though she was the toughest grader. That's what she gave up, a thousand times over, in leaving here. To live with another man, and change her whole life, based on nothing but a few texts.

This is similar to mine. Outwardly she was very loved and respected by EVERYONE. Her symptoms are only extreme toward the person she's in an intimate relationship (me) and a small crowd she showed her rage to. People who did nothing and got chewed out big time. For me it was over when she said "I'll never allow a child of ours to be alone with anyone in your family". So freakin nuts I can't even believe it. My Family -> Mom and dad happily married 36 years. Raised 3 great children (a doctor, a nurse practitioner, and me), fun get-together's all the time, no tension, no stress. and these are the people whom when my wife is around make her "want to blow her head off" as she says... .

I explain to friends why were getting divorced. No one can mentally digest what I'm telling them. Blank faces... ."What?" expressions... .It's sad. Very invalidating.

To get to the topic, I only tell a very select few about BPD. People that i think are really listening and getting what I'm saying. Most of the time when people ask what happened to my marriage i say "I dont even know where to start" and really... .that's the truth. Where do you begin.

[charred]

I don't tell anyone anymore.

Been a while, but the reactions were negative toward me... questions like do I just attract crazy women, or do I drive normal ones crazy? My family was worse about it... .dad tried to go out with my exBPDgf... my mom was asking what I did wrong to run her off, then why did I care at all.

People that knew both of us got her side of everything in the first 10 secs she could tell people... .and none of them ended up staying friends with me.

For years afterwards... people would ask me how she was, why don't you look her up, she seemed so nice... .   

[downwhim]

JRT,

"Your loss is experienced as an affront to your personal worth, rather than an act of nature.

When we are rejected by someone important to us, our whole sense of value as a person is thrown into question. Being discarded and disrespected creates a narcissistic injury. A narcissistic injury is a slap in the face, an affront to our pride, to our most personal sense of self, a stinging wound that can leave a deep imprint." The Journey from Abandonment to Healing.