Abandonment issues help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All

Ok so what i am having trouble getting my head around is the abandonment issues of a person with BPD. In my case it was my undiagnosed BPD ex who decided she wanted out and sent me a text message (after 6 years together) and was gone. Any attempt from my end to fix things were met with great hosility and extreme anger from her. She absolutely hates me. She has broken off contact and blocked me on every social media platform. I spent a few months trying to reach out and she only ever saw me about two times. Now we havent spoken for over a month and she seems to have forgotten i exist. She used to say to me all the time 'out of sight, out of mind' so perhaps its that easy for her.

I just dont understand how people either diagnosed or suspected of BPD have abandonment issues and yet can end a relationship so easily without really contacting the other after the breakup? It feels from my end that I am the one with the abandonment issues and during the relationship, when she would break up with me constantly, I would be the one going to frantic lengths to stop it from happening ie by saying what she wanted to hear to fix whatever was the problem, or travelling to see her etc.

[Ezra]

Hi All

Ok so what i am having trouble getting my head around is the abandonment issues of a person with BPD. In my case it was my undiagnosed BPD ex who decided she wanted out and sent me a text message (after 6 years together) and was gone. Any attempt from my end to fix things were met with great hosility and extreme anger from her. She absolutely hates me. She has broken off contact and blocked me on every social media platform. I spent a few months trying to reach out and she only ever saw me about two times. Now we havent spoken for over a month and she seems to have forgotten i exist. She used to say to me all the time 'out of sight, out of mind' so perhaps its that easy for her.

I just dont understand how people either diagnosed or suspected of BPD have abandonment issues and yet can end a relationship so easily without really contacting the other after the breakup? It feels from my end that I am the one with the abandonment issues and during the relationship, when she would break up with me constantly, I would be the one going to frantic lengths to stop it from happening ie by saying what she wanted to hear to fix whatever was the problem, or travelling to see her etc.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

The abandonment issues of a borderline are not something a normal mind is likely to understand immediately.  Most theories I have read say that the Borderline issues go back to early life when between the ages of birth and 3 years the child never receives any healthy bonding and nurturing from their mother.  This leaves them emotionally stunted having missed a critical step in growth.  BPD is an attachment disorder.  They cannot attach in a 'normal' or healthy way.  When they do begin to receive actual healthy love and bonding it can trigger this old wound and bring out a frantic coping mechanism that it appropriate for someone that emotionally is a toddler.

[eyvindr]

Hi Ezra,

I'm sorry you're going through this. These boards are a good place to help process what you're feeling.

It feels from my end that I am the one with the abandonment issues and during the relationship, when she would break up with me constantly, I would be the one going to frantic lengths to stop it from happening i.e. by saying what she wanted to hear to fix whatever was the problem, or traveling to see her etc.

What do you think this is about with you? When you did that stuff, what was the result?

[Ezra]

Hi Ezra,

I'm sorry you're going through this. These boards are a good place to help process what you're feeling.

It feels from my end that I am the one with the abandonment issues and during the relationship, when she would break up with me constantly, I would be the one going to frantic lengths to stop it from happening i.e. by saying what she wanted to hear to fix whatever was the problem, or traveling to see her etc.

What do you think this is about with you? When you did that stuff, what was the result?

I really dont know, i guess the contant breakups and makeups happened all the time i always just resigned myself to fixing it like i did in the past. I really dont know why i put up with that behaviour though. When i would fix it, the result was as normal - we would just go back to continuing our relationship until she felt the need to break it off again. Healthy and normal right!

[SlyQQ]

They dont actually have a fear of abandonment they have a fear of being abandoned its complicated

[Suzn]

We all have some abandonment issues.

PwBPD fear you will leave them when they start feeling too close or when things seem too good. They will act on being certain you will leave them instead of thinking issues can be worked through.

It got to the point with my ex that I knew when she said "you are the best gf ever!" I knew she was getting ready to loose it. Every time, she'd bolt and get drunk or use drugs.

[JRT]

Hi All

Ok so what i am having trouble getting my head around is the abandonment issues of a person with BPD. In my case it was my undiagnosed BPD ex who decided she wanted out and sent me a text message (after 6 years together) and was gone. Any attempt from my end to fix things were met with great hosility and extreme anger from her. She absolutely hates me. She has broken off contact and blocked me on every social media platform. I spent a few months trying to reach out and she only ever saw me about two times. Now we havent spoken for over a month and she seems to have forgotten i exist. She used to say to me all the time 'out of sight, out of mind' so perhaps its that easy for her.

I just dont understand how people either diagnosed or suspected of BPD have abandonment issues and yet can end a relationship so easily without really contacting the other after the breakup? It feels from my end that I am the one with the abandonment issues and during the relationship, when she would break up with me constantly, I would be the one going to frantic lengths to stop it from happening ie by saying what she wanted to hear to fix whatever was the problem, or travelling to see her etc.

Ezra,

Sorry to hear about this... .I have to say: we must have been dating twins! There are so many canny similarities between your story and mine. I was only with mine for 2 years, she had just moved into my house and we began to plan our wedding. I go out of town and I am told via text that she moved out and our relationship is over... .to ever try  to contact her... .she blocked me via phone, text social media (she unfriended my friends and demanded that hers do the same thing). I have tried to contact her a couple of times via mail and phone and those efforts were met with a nasty letter from an attorney and a call from the cops!

I never had any hostility to any problems, I just glossed over them for the sake of peace. We NEVER argued and this is likely why () but I wasn't even aware of any problems at all! Nothing! Outside of an exchange that I had with one of her friends regarding her property, I have not hear boo from me in 4 months.

Like you, I think that this is the most outrageous thing. Someone finds precisely what they have craved for their entire life and a fear of abandonment not only results in flight (in my case with out warning or explanation) but hatred and anger to the extent that her reaction to me seems to be the same kind that someone would have when they have been the victims of persistent and extreme violence.  I gotta tell you; not only would I never have dreamed of laying a hand on her, but I treated her so well that her family, friends and coworkers all let me know about it and were very happy for us. This was the most crazy outcome that I could have imagined!

Hang tough brother. Since our cases are so similar, I'd like to know what happens your way and, if you would like, I can let you know of any developments this way.

[ShadowIntheNight]

We all have some abandonment issues.

PwBPD fear you will leave them when they start feeling too close or when things seem too good. They will act on being certain you will leave them instead of thinking issues can be worked through.

It got to the point with my ex that I knew when she said "you are the best gf ever!" I knew she was getting ready to loose it. Every time, she'd bolt and get drunk or use drugs.

I'm not sure her abandonment issues were about me. Her mother had become more "involved" in her daughter's life by helping her financially, buying my exuBPDgf clothes that were not her style, but what her mother wanted her to wear, by criticizing her on her kids, her home, and her finances, and by finally telling her to find her a man to take care of her. We were in a 9.5 yr lesbian relat. Her mother knew me, and may have suspected our relationship, but she lived 2.5 hours from my ex so had no idea of the frequency of our time together. When her mother questioned her about my sexuality, my ex, I'm sure told her I was but that we weren't a couple. My ex is a 46 yo professional. And I really think somehow her mother is controlling her daughter to the point that my ex thinks she couldn't live w/o her mom. I do know that that my ex had a serious childhood trauma and her mother either swept it under the rug or told my ex not to ever talk about it. I got some info on the matter, but she really was tight lipped on it even with all that we shared. I suspect I probably knew her better than any person she had ever known. But even I didn't know her well enough to know she was capable of this behavior.

9.5 yrs and as close as two peas in a pod. I would have never dreamt that she would hurt me so badly, not have spoken to me in 6 months except for a few emails, and cheated in me in a most despicable manner. Everyone else may be getting better in here. I have cried everyday for 6 months. No one has ever treated me this harshly. I should have cussed her and slapped her around. At least then I could understand her hating me so, and she would be justified. Instead all I get is to ask why and see my T again tomorrow. She's not feeling abandoned. She's got a boyfriend to keep her fears at bay.

[downwhim]

Like you, I think that this is the most outrageous thing. Someone finds precisely what they have craved for their entire life and a fear of abandonment not only results in flight (in my case with out warning or explanation) but hatred and anger to the extent that her reaction to me seems to be the same kind that someone would have when they have been the victims of persistent and extreme violence.  I gotta tell you; not only would I never have dreamed of laying a hand on her, but I treated her so well that her family, friends and coworkers all let me know about it and were very happy for us. This was the most crazy outcome that I could have imagined!

Hang tough brother. Since our cases are so similar, I'd like to know what happens your way and, if you would like, I can let you know of any developments this way. [/quote]
It is so very hard when you think your relationship is great and they fly away. I felt abandoned. He feared it and I got it. I was filled with anxiety and could not believe we were once again going down this path after getting engaged. We were suppose to be moving forward. We had recycled 2 times before. It was so exhausting because he would act like nothing happened and no time has lapsed and we were suppose to be as before. During the time we were apart I was emotionally drained. I could not figure out why he would just up and leave. Looking back we would be close during these times and I think he just freaked out as BPD's do when they are faced with a loving relationship. Intimacy is what they fear too.

[Ezra]

Hi All

Ok so what i am having trouble getting my head around is the abandonment issues of a person with BPD. In my case it was my undiagnosed BPD ex who decided she wanted out and sent me a text message (after 6 years together) and was gone. Any attempt from my end to fix things were met with great hosility and extreme anger from her. She absolutely hates me. She has broken off contact and blocked me on every social media platform. I spent a few months trying to reach out and she only ever saw me about two times. Now we havent spoken for over a month and she seems to have forgotten i exist. She used to say to me all the time 'out of sight, out of mind' so perhaps its that easy for her.

I just dont understand how people either diagnosed or suspected of BPD have abandonment issues and yet can end a relationship so easily without really contacting the other after the breakup? It feels from my end that I am the one with the abandonment issues and during the relationship, when she would break up with me constantly, I would be the one going to frantic lengths to stop it from happening ie by saying what she wanted to hear to fix whatever was the problem, or travelling to see her etc.

Ezra,

Sorry to hear about this... .I have to say: we must have been dating twins! There are so many canny similarities between your story and mine. I was only with mine for 2 years, she had just moved into my house and we began to plan our wedding. I go out of town and I am told via text that she moved out and our relationship is over... .to ever try  to contact her... .she blocked me via phone, text social media (she unfriended my friends and demanded that hers do the same thing). I have tried to contact her a couple of times via mail and phone and those efforts were met with a nasty letter from an attorney and a call from the cops!

I never had any hostility to any problems, I just glossed over them for the sake of peace. We NEVER argued and this is likely why () but I wasn't even aware of any problems at all! Nothing! Outside of an exchange that I had with one of her friends regarding her property, I have not hear boo from me in 4 months.

Like you, I think that this is the most outrageous thing. Someone finds precisely what they have craved for their entire life and a fear of abandonment not only results in flight (in my case with out warning or explanation) but hatred and anger to the extent that her reaction to me seems to be the same kind that someone would have when they have been the victims of persistent and extreme violence.  I gotta tell you; not only would I never have dreamed of laying a hand on her, but I treated her so well that her family, friends and coworkers all let me know about it and were very happy for us. This was the most crazy outcome that I could have imagined!

Hang tough brother. Since our cases are so similar, I'd like to know what happens your way and, if you would like, I can let you know of any developments this way.

Absolutely JRT let me know how yours develops, sounds all too familiar our stories .  The only difference is we did fight, but that comes with the territory of being together for 6 years I guess. The fights were ridiculous and of course each time we did fight instead of talking through them she would just end it until I fixed it. I cannot fathom how someone can just walk away like this after so long together. When trying to reach out I would say things like ‘you were my best friend’, only to be met with ‘no we weren’t best friends’…just a completely different take on the relationship maybe, but the resentment that she has towards me is insane and I cannot for the life of me understand what it is I did. Im sorry to hear about your story too, its all just so cruel. I hope you are on your path to recovery, its been a tough road for me. Today has not been a good day, but we will come out of this stronger!

[JRT]

Today was not a good day for me either for some reason... .

I am going to say what you already probably know: you did nothing to earn her anger... .neither did I. We were simply doomed from the start and nothing that we could have said or done would likely have impacted any different outcome. She and I were coming to a point where we were closest in our relationship; that's the GOAL right? It's mind boggling then that the stated goal has the stated out come as the end! (I have tried to explain this to my family and friends and they look at me as if I am the crazy one!).

But I get it anyway... .these were entirely lucid and educated women... .mine had an MBA! Their thinking is clear and rational enough to make complex decisions and remain within the parameters of what is morally acceptable. Breaking up with the my SO of 'X' years spontaneously would not fall within those parameters so the smear campaign happens so that she can justify it to those in her orbit and her associated manufactured anger helps direct her attention away from the real villain - her actions, fears and associated shame.

let me know if you want me to find it but I read a piece by a BPD who spoke to this very this as well as with social media. She said that given the level of anger and the severity of cutoff that it is directly proportional to how much she cared and how special she was to you. She went as far as to say that they will unblock you at some point to test themselves to see if their emotions can tolerate it. Finding that they cannot after making contact with you, they will hastily re-block you (mine has already done this). She explained that when they finally entirely unblock you (including social media) that this means that they are indifferent and completely detached (even though I have heard they they never really detach). Until that point, they can see hope in getting back with you.

Mine must have thought the WORLD of me!  

[SlyQQ]

The results of actual abandonment are not fear based ( this is what i was trying to say earlier ) but based in denial an isolation hope this makes sense

[JRT]

The results of actual abandonment are not fear based

( this is what i was trying to say earlier ) but based

in denial an isolation hope this makes sense

What do you mean based in denial?

[peace_seeker]

Hi All

Ok so what i am having trouble getting my head around is the abandonment issues of a person with BPD. In my case it was my undiagnosed BPD ex who decided she wanted out and sent me a text message (after 6 years together) and was gone. Any attempt from my end to fix things were met with great hosility and extreme anger from her. She absolutely hates me. She has broken off contact and blocked me on every social media platform. I spent a few months trying to reach out and she only ever saw me about two times. Now we havent spoken for over a month and she seems to have forgotten i exist. She used to say to me all the time 'out of sight, out of mind' so perhaps its that easy for her.

I just dont understand how people either diagnosed or suspected of BPD have abandonment issues and yet can end a relationship so easily without really contacting the other after the breakup? It feels from my end that I am the one with the abandonment issues and during the relationship, when she would break up with me constantly, I would be the one going to frantic lengths to stop it from happening ie by saying what she wanted to hear to fix whatever was the problem, or travelling to see her etc.

Hi Ezra,

I can only say that the way your breakup happened sounded exactly like mine!

Broke up over text, any attempt to fix things were met with great hostility and extreme angry, extreme hatred, broke off contact and blocked on every social media platform. E.X.A.C.T.L.Y the S.A.M.E

I know it is hard to understand and it must be a really confusing time for you right now. But I’ve come to accept (and I hope you will too) that this is something that we may never fully understand. I’ve read somewhere that people with PD are unable to empathize with others, and I’m guessing that is why they can walk away so easily, without having a single consideration to how hurt we are and etc.

What you mentioned about how you are always abandoned but yet always the one to fix things, sounds exactly like me too. Have you heard about codependency? Perhaps you, like me, and many other here, were just going through the rescuer mentality and believing that we need to work hard to achieve their love.

It is so ironic, isn’t it? How they are always trying to leave us, and we are the ones always trying to fix things. But in the end, we are still the ones who are abandoned, but yet the ones to carry the blame for everything and the ones who are being hated and painted black. All these just don’t make any sense.

you are not alone. 

[SlyQQ]

If they are abbandoned they will either in extremis imagine some one else is the person that abandoned them ( i have seen this ) deny it happened or deny they were ever in love/ attached what ever it takes to protect there ego bordering into the dellusional if they had decided you were going to / might abandon them isolation comes more into play

[JRT]

Hi All

Ok so what i am having trouble getting my head around is the abandonment issues of a person with BPD. In my case it was my undiagnosed BPD ex who decided she wanted out and sent me a text message (after 6 years together) and was gone. Any attempt from my end to fix things were met with great hosility and extreme anger from her. She absolutely hates me. She has broken off contact and blocked me on every social media platform. I spent a few months trying to reach out and she only ever saw me about two times. Now we havent spoken for over a month and she seems to have forgotten i exist. She used to say to me all the time 'out of sight, out of mind' so perhaps its that easy for her.

I just dont understand how people either diagnosed or suspected of BPD have abandonment issues and yet can end a relationship so easily without really contacting the other after the breakup? It feels from my end that I am the one with the abandonment issues and during the relationship, when she would break up with me constantly, I would be the one going to frantic lengths to stop it from happening ie by saying what she wanted to hear to fix whatever was the problem, or travelling to see her etc.

Hi Ezra,

I can only say that the way your breakup happened sounded exactly like mine!

Broke up over text, any attempt to fix things were met with great hostility and extreme angry, extreme hatred, broke off contact and blocked on every social media platform. E.X.A.C.T.L.Y the S.A.M.E

I know it is hard to understand and it must be a really confusing time for you right now. But I’ve come to accept (and I hope you will too) that this is something that we may never fully understand. I’ve read somewhere that people with PD are unable to empathize with others, and I’m guessing that is why they can walk away so easily, without having a single consideration to how hurt we are and etc.

What you mentioned about how you are always abandoned but yet always the one to fix things, sounds exactly like me too. Have you heard about codependency? Perhaps you, like me, and many other here, were just going through the rescuer mentality and believing that we need to work hard to achieve their love.

It is so ironic, isn’t it? How they are always trying to leave us, and we are the ones always trying to fix things. But in the end, we are still the ones who are abandoned, but yet the ones to carry the blame for everything and the ones who are being hated and painted black. All these just don’t make any sense.

you are not alone. 

We should start own own support group - mine did the same! How long since your b/u and nc?

[JRT]

If they are abbandoned they will either in extremis

imagine some one else is the person that abandoned them

( i have seen this ) deny it happened or deny they were

ever in love/ attached what ever it takes to protect there

ego bordering into the dellusional

if they had decided you were going to / might abandon

them isolation comes more into play

So this would argue the age old question here is that they DID love! Right?

Do any of them ever come to terms with reality? Do they snap out of it so to speak? I know mine is in therapy from what I had heard... .

[eyvindr]

Hi JRT --

Who knows.

So this would argue the age old question here is that they DID love! Right?

Do any of them ever come to terms with reality? Do they snap out of it so to speak? I know mine is in therapy from what I had heard... .

Therapy is only as good as the commitment and honesty one devotes to the process. I know that my ex used he sporadic counseling appointments purely as a source of support for her claims that she was a victim -- zero personal growth came out of it, as far as I could tell. All she ever "shared" with me from her sessions (which I never pressed her for information on, but was always happy to listen, if she felt like sharing) was that all of her therapists agreed that I was a sociopath, that our r-ship was abusive, and that she should leave me.

Yet she stayed. I even advised her a few times -- as your friend, if you believe that, I think you should leave me.

She didn't.

I call BS.

Something to consider is that, in some cases, maybe many, I don't know -- people with personality disorders and/or mental illness sometimes rationalize that if they can be in a relationship, then they really can't be mentally ill. I don't think you can "snap out" of mental illness like you can "snap out" of obsessing over whether or not you're going to get a job you've interviewed for, or whether you're going to make your connecting flight. It takes work, commitment and at least enough maturity to accept that you're ill, and realize that the behaviors that result from your illness negatively impact other people in your life, many of whom care about you, and that's not a cool way to live.   

[JRT]

I find it incredible that T's such as hers would be snowballed to the extent that they couldn't see through the BS. I am sure that mine went to see hers on the premise that I "fill in the blank" to her. Hopefully, she stumbled upon one that will see through her BS.

[SlyQQ]

The awnser to did they love you is at some stage they needed you and you were the best available option and once committed it locks them into a situation they will manage carefully so as to not hurt their ego ( though they will risk a lot of things within this framework ( mainly to bolster their own fragile ego or soothe their inner turmoil))

[Deeno02]

The awnser to did they love you is at some stage they needed you and you were the best

available option and once committed it locks them into a situation they will manage

carefully so as to not hurt their ego ( though they will risk a lot of things within

this framework ( mainly to bolster their own fragile ego or soothe their inner turmoil))

Wow... .That left a mark. How very, very true. Clarity.