Custody Evaluation has left me broken...

[AlonelyOne]

My uBPD-ex-wife spent thousands on a Custody Evaluator, and my concerns that he would not be impartial were clearly justified.  He tried to justify every fault of the mother, and skew me in the worst possible light.  Multiple times he misquoted me to say things I never said. He took all my ex's claims as fact. Has blatantly and patently false information. And then recommended that primary custody be given to mother, and I received a couple weekends a month.

He administered an psych eval. But in his 'interpretation' I showed grave concern, because I over-reported. (Basically, I am too honest.) And that individuals usually under report and try to portray themselves only in a positive light. So since I am !@#$ honest, I am a potential danger.  Yet every statement by our children were in favor of myself, and numerous disturbing observations and statements were made regarding mother. (Mother literally mocked and ridiculed one of our children during observation.)

So discouraged.

=(


I feel like I have to fight so hard and spend hundreds of hours re-buttling her false accusations. And then she is just allowed to make more.  So frustrating... .

[david]

My first custody eval was a disaster too. The evaluator wrote all kinds of inaccurate things in the report. I had to get a forensic psychologist to testify (money) that the report was significantly flawed. The report was basically dismissed in court but the judge did seem to follow the recommendations to some degree. I went through a second eval recently. I found a good atty and he said the evaluator was good. This evaluator called ex on her lies and distortions. Ex actually threatened the evaluator in one of the meetings. Our boys were much older (16 and 11) and they both had individual meetings with the evaluator. They shed a lot of light on what is really going on.

I view the court system as inept from all my experiences. The biggest thing I found is that you need a really good attorney that understands what you are trying to achieve and is able to do just that. It took me several years to find one. Learning how to "play" the game is extremely important.

If the evaluator can be put on the stand and your atty is good the report can be shown to be flawed and biased. You also need a plan on what you are trying to achieve. If that plan looks fair and reasonable to the courts you have a good chance of succeeding.

[scraps66]

Where are you in the process?  Have you gotten all this feedback or is this your interpretation after the fact?

There may be a tactic at work with the CE to see how you react so keep your wits about you.  From everything I've read about CEs, with credible CEs, it is a no-no to outright paint the other parent black to the evaluator.  

What was used as the psych eval?  I would hope the MMPI-II.  What was the process for choosing the CE, was it a mutual decision?  And the CE has a credible history?

The justification that "individuals usually under report" does not sound like something a Dr. would state and the interpretations of the results do show whether presenting falsely or not.  So to make this statement makes me want to question the credibility of the administerer.  A lot of the results has to do with the interpretation of the results and not just any psych can od this, there is a lot of experience necessary to do it correctly.

Keep your head up.

PS  You can also have a second doctor, a forensic psychologist, review your results to interpret the results.  That is fairly common.

[david]

The second evaluator challenged me several times in the meetings. I stood my ground because it was what I believed best for our two boys. I think that helped a lot. I was very comfortable explaining what/how/why I was doing the things I was doing for our boys.

Ex attacked me several times and I simply replied that what she was saying was not true. I offered proof when I had it and said I didn't have proof when I didn't have proof. The evaluator never wanted to see any proof. I realized that the evaluator wasn't looking for who could prove something. He was looking for a consistent viewpoint that was thought out.

[ForeverDad]

I had an excellent custody evaluator, he was a child psychologist, he even taught at the local university.  I recall that the initial report commented on how I was so focused on disproving all my spouse's allegations, almost to an obsession.  (I had 200 pages of child therapy records - took me a year and a court order to get them - that had yellow post-its throughout stating the facts.)  However, his summary, trimmed down to the basics, went like this, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... .Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails, Father should get custody... ."

A good custody evaluator is crucial, a good report is worth it's weight in gold.  It's a bit late in the process but you may have to hire an expert to review and disprove the biased or incomplete evaluation.

[david]

After the first eval I had to wait two years for a change of circumstance to do anything to modify custody. During that time I documented everything I could that pertained to our two boys.

My main concern was their school work. The boys did over 90% of the school work when with me even though ex had majority time during the school year. I signed and dated every homework they did with me. Ex saw that I was signing and dating homework so she signed and dated the few they did at her place. I copied every one. I made a single sheet with all the info about the school year and that was on top of all the copies of homework.

I filed to modify custody in August 2012. My petition states the reason (school work) clearly. Ex has dragged this out and we still haven't been in front of a judge. However, this school year I received a temp order giving me additional time during the school year. Boys grades went up significantly. During this entire time ex hasn't done anything to help the boys with their school work. They still do the majority when with me. Half of the work they do at her residence is incomplete and incorrect. I simply make them find the mistakes and complete it when with me. I sign and date those too. Ex finally hired a tutor several weeks ago to help S11. It was only one time so far but it was helpful. S11 liked it too because there was "someone that could help him at moms house".

Schoolwork was my focus at the second eval too. I only had a sheet with all the vital info on it. I did say I had every homework at home and could bring it in if needed. Ex blamed the kids for not doing homework so the evaluator got it right then and there. Ex takes no responsibility for anything and once I exposed her behavior I would let her do the talking. She always confirmed what I was saying. I realized she didn't understand how she was helping make my case.

I believe the trick to exposing my ex was to be as detached as much as possible. My ex is a master at picking up on cues ( body language, tone of voice, etc ). Keeping my voice steady and not reacting to anything she says throws her off her game. She then reacts in ways that expose her. That took several years for me to get.

[AlonelyOne]

MMMPI-RF-II  (Which from what I understand is newer and has less of a comparative basis).

This CE completely painted me black. I felt hostility from the get go. I did not feel hostility from the other evaluator (who happens to be his wife).

I'd be asked about complaints. And then he would quickly brush aside my complaints and retort what about this complaint from your wife. (Often minor and false claims.) When asked about physical abuse, and when I shared about several incidents. He dismissed them off hand basically saying nothing of significance that warrant police or medical response.  To which I aceding was true, that I didn't ever feel endangered for my life or well being. It was just embarrassing and controlling abuse.  He put in his report that I stated there was no significant abuse.

Quotes of me are both inaccurate, or chopped and spliced to say something I did not. Descriptions of my temperment and nature are so off it'd be laughable if it wasn't such a tragic matter. I got described as being closed emotionally and having difficulty expressing my feelings.  You cannot find a single person, friend or foe, who knows me that would ever describe me that way.

Wife claimed I failed out of college, because I didn't complete my degree. Had to solicit my transcipts showing better than a 3.5 grade point average.

The CE is basically stating the cause of my over-reporting could be psychopathology. He took my recent treatment for depression as follow-up to my ADHD medication, and implied it as a long history of depression.  Seriously, the level of fraudulence in the CE's report is remarkable.



Mind you, everything that was ACTUALLY observed or stated by the kids was in MY favor. Ex was actually observed engaging in inappropriate (mocking, ridiculing, physical contact) actions with the children during observation and a complete lack of nurturing behaviors on the part of the ex.  But yet, they decide in my ex's favor?


>"You can also have a second doctor, a forensic psychologist, review your results to interpret the results.  That is fairly common."

>"It's a bit late in the process but you may have to hire an expert to review and disprove the biased or incomplete evaluation."

I am TRYING to find one. I've left multiple messages with the state Psychological Association, etc. No response... .

Our former marital counselor does not feel that the report at all represents or characterizes myself nor my ex.  But they won't get involved in divorce court.  *sighs*

I also don't even have the cash reserves for it. All the savings walked off.


It's just so exhausting having to defend myself constantly, having to do hours of research to defeat multiple false accusations, to having my claims dismissed out of hand... .so very likely my entire world will be destroyed and gone in a month.

*broken*

[ForeverDad]

If you can, try to limit the topics to the parenting and the children.  The professionals typically give little or no priority to adult conflicts and focus on how the children are impacted.  We all here would do well to do the same, get the most bang for our buck, so to speak.

So when ex complained about your college education, how does that matter about custody and parenting issues?  Except for pointing out the lies, it means little, or ought to mean little.  Similarly for many of the other lies and misrepresentations.  You may be able to disprove them but will the professional connect the dots and see them as deeper issues that would affect her parenting?  However, it would be useful to show your ex has a propensity to lie, distorted thinking, blaming, blame shifting, etc that  very well could and actually do impact how she parents and how she would handle any custodial authority.

I wrote that I had a perceptive CE and the report turned out okay even though he noted the extent of my similar efforts at clarifying the truth even in the small details.  I'll relate a couple items he told me at the very start, in the first session.

"I'm not here to diagnose anyone... ."  Unless murder is involved (okay, a slight exaggeration) the professionals and courts are unwilling to seek a diagnosis.  If there already is a diagnosis, it might mean something but even that may be limited.  For example, suppose someone is diagnosed an alcoholic.  Court may not care much.  An alcoholic could be a recovering alcoholic and even if not, alcoholism doesn't make a person unable to parent.  However, an example of what is 'actionable' is if that person drives while intoxicated - DWI or DUI - with the children in the car.  Then you could raise the issue of child endangerment.  Few behaviors are seen rising to the level of being 'actionable'.  Typically they are substantive child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment.

"The past parenting history is 50% of the evaluation.  Even if you are seen as a better parent that history is still there."  In other words, the fact that I was responsible and went to work every day put me in a worse parenting position and would enable my spouse to claim she was the primary caregiver.  And that was potentially half the evaluation.  Why?  Because the professionals are generally unwilling to change things drastically, as my lawyer phrased it, "so as not to upset the children's lives".  I may not have verbalized it, but I think I retorted back to my lawyer, "And what if NOT making changes is MORE upsetting to the children?"

Apparently my CE saw enough to not only see me as the better parent but to also recommend that my spouse NOT have control/custody.  I wish yours was not biased in favor of women so much but it is what it is.  And he may deny it... .so much of the deferential treatment and preferential treatment for women is unwritten and therefore harder to contest.  Perhaps he is one who still believes in the outdated "Tender Years Doctrine" from several decades ago that held mothers were always the better parent for raising the children?  If so, I doubt he would admit it.

Have you checked out Bill Eddy's website?  He has training seminars for judges, lawyers, social workers and evaluators.  Perhaps www.HighConflictInstitute.com will have trained professionals listed in your area?

[AlonelyOne]

Well, I wish that was the case. But they focused on everything, educational history, work history,


So when ex complained about your college education, how does that matter about custody and parenting issues?

Oh, the CE tried to combine it and the fact I lost a job in 2009 to label me as of maybe average intellect and questionable vocational stability.


"I wrote that I had a perceptive CE and the report turned out okay "

My CE was paid thousands by my ex, and pretty much wrote a report in which all the commentary excused her questionable behavior and and demonized me, with the main argument being the MPII-RF-2 test results.


"Why?  Because the professionals are generally unwilling to change things drastically, as my lawyer phrased it, "so as not to upset the children's lives"." 

Well, it's been over 9 months in which we have been doing a split 50/50 custody. So the CE is in fact endeavoring to change the current status quo. That was the entire reason he was hired and paid.

"I wish yours was not biased in favor of women so much but it is what it is"

This went beyond mere bias of women. This was an unethical and fraudulent action on the part of the CE. And one I fully intend to file a formal complaint with the state on, and to ensure there is an ethics violation on his record.

"Perhaps he is one who still believes in the outdated "Tender Years Doctrine""

Maybe, except she exhibited zero nurturing, minimal emotional connectivity, and innappropriate behavior.

***

I have not, but thank you. I will call today... .

[scraps66]

If you haven't already, do some Google searching on this CE. Maybe you can find something.  It appears to me that CEs don't advertise for obvious reasons.  But this one sounds so unethical that you are bound to find something. 

Like FD, I don't see any relevance of what you write as being indicative of parenting ability.

[trappeddad]

My CE gave me a similar faulty evaluation and I hate the fact I have not done anything to refute it, due to the expense and time.     Is there a cheap way to get the record straight, without hiring experts or going to court?     I thought of simply typing up a response to send to my ex and the CE as a response.       This is cheap, quick and gets the record straight, but will it add more fuel to a messy situation?     

[livednlearned]

Hi ALonelyOne,

You can use Google Scholar to search case law in your state to see if there are similar cases on record, and how they were handled in court, including how the judge ruled.

I doubt you will be the first person to find the third-party professional to be of dubious motive and competence, so there may be plenty of cases to choose from. Don't count on your lawyer to know this stuff. It can make a big difference if you dig things up and share what you find with the L.

Often CEs have reputations that are known to people in the court system. It's possible too that there is a trail of professional complaints, although that must certainly be true of anyone in this business. If the reputation is poor and that's well-known, a judge may be less willing to buy the outcome, but obviously you don't want to count on that. In my case, the PC was so highly regarded and considered the most ethical, competent in the system that the judge put a lot of trust in her opinion. These things can go either way.

[AlonelyOne]

I have spent hours and hours trying to do so... .

Sadly, I have very little free time. And when I do, not much energy... .serious, at this point as I face bankruptcy, losing home, on top of losing my kids already... .pretty much losing my life.  I almost wish I'd lose my job and have a few months to dedicate myself to such things.

I am not looking forward to my ex dragging me back into court to attack my weekend custody once I no longer have a home.  Ya... .joy. 

[ForeverDad]

As distressful as it all is, there are generally alternatives.  If the house will be lost, perhaps you can try to sell it sooner rather than later so the loss is minimized?  Looks like apartment life is the way to go for now?