1 Month No Contact and this is where I'm at...

[Jmanster]

Hey guys, so it's been one month no contact... .And I can't believe I've made it 30 days without calling or texting her. It is an absolute shock to me. I seriously feel like a butterfly coming out of the cocoon. As I sit in my chair writing this, I'm reflecting on all the memories I have of my ex borderline disordered girlfriend. I'm specifically remembering all of the beautiful moments I've had with her, all of the laughter and smiling I've shared with her, meeting her friends, her meeting my friends, going hiking with her, Eating dinner with her, exploring each other, and sharing love. 2014 was a huge year for me, I got a new job which made me so happy, and I entered of relationship which changed my life and my perspectives. In my mind I believe that I have to be thankful for my ex-girlfriend, why? It's because she's given me a reason to stay strong. She showed me the worst side in myself, a part of me that I never thought existed. Her bringing out the worst in me has shown me that I did not know myself. And as I think about the past, I look back at my weakest points, my paranoia, my fears, my anxiety. Even though she broke my heart into tiny little pieces, she taught me something. She taught me how to be strong, She taught me how to live through the worst. And this is a life lesson I feel like I couldn't of had with anyone else. At the age of 22, I have finally realized what artificial love an infatuation feels like. I finally understand what an abusive relationship is. To be honest, none of us are normal, each of us have our own problems, our own issues, our own monsters in the closet; when it comes to a relationship all of us have her own expectations. What I'm trying to say is that people with borderline personality disorder have an expectation that cannot be reached. You can't even call it an expectation because it is something that people who can live a normal relationship cannot reach. I broke up with my ex in July 2014, thinking that I made a mistake breaking up with her, I I told her and made a mistake and I wanted to get back with her. And I truly felt like I did make a mistake at that time. So we did try the second round at least so I thought, but this time she had the ball in her court. Within the the five months after the break up, I was her slave, I was her sex puppet, I was not a man. I've had a therapist tell me that the reason that the breakup was so difficult with her and the reason why I got back with her after I broke up with her was because I never got closure. My ex was the only person that made me as mad as my brother, my brother was never really a brother to me, he was very abusive emotionally and physically when I was young and I never understood why. I never got closure from him, and this has stayed in my system until now. I never got closure from my ex-girlfriend and that is what made it so difficult to call it quits. So what made me actually stop talking to her? January 3 2014, we met up for dinner. I was ecstatic to have dinner with her, even though I have trust issues with her, I felt like I still loved her. During the dinner she showed me how inconsiderate she was, we live approximately 25 miles away from each other and when she invited me to eat dinner with her I thought I was going to be spending the rest of the night with her, but know me driving 25 miles to eat dinner with her was not E not I spent an hour and a half eating dinner with her and she decides that she has to go and work for an hour or so after dinner. I'm thinking to myself that this is not right... .you invited me all the way to this restaurant which is 25 miles away from me and I am assuming that we're gonna spend the rest of the night with each other. In anyone's right mind, A healthy mind, my thoughts would make sense, However in her mind she was not considerate. So after having a little argument during dinner we decided to walk to the garage to get to our cars, we are still arguing on the walk and all of a sudden she's speed walking away from me. I lose sight of her, and something in my mind tells me that this is it. In a way I receive my closure, In the way I saw what a real relationship with this person is like. I get in my car and I start driving home and she texts and calls me constantly but I don't pick up. I'm already in the mindset of not talking to her. I believe I got my closure. I generated so much hate following that evening, weeks passed, and I was able to overcome a lot of grief and a lot of pain. 2014 was the most important year in my life to date. I will never forget that ex. I will never forget what she's done to me. But the point I'm really trying to say is that we should all be thankful for these experiences because they show us who we are, how strong we are, and how much love we have. One of the most important lessons I've learned in this relationship was to always trust your intuition, no means no. Never forget that. I cannot cry over my ex anymore, Not one more tear will be shed. Will she be in my life in the future? I don't know. But I do know that I control my life and not somebody else. God bless all of you who have helped me through this difficult time, we all deserve better, so let's go out and meet somebody better because you all deserve it. I love you guys, be well, share your stories, and most importantly, spread your love.

-Josh

[downwhim]

Thank you Josh so much for sharing this story. She was so insensitive as they can be. Yes, you are right. We all deserve better and we all go at our own pace as we leave the nest. BPD's are their own breed. We just happened upon them and loved them with all we had and learned the disease always wins.   goes out to you... Be strong.