Can a BPD mother change the trajectory of my life? I am a total failure

[Our abuse recovery guide]

In my 35 years of life, this is the first time I am ever expressing my feelings. I have never spoken about my chronic sadness, fear and depression to anyone ever.  My chronic anxiety, sadness and depression has progressed with time, and I am at the lowest point now.  Growing up with a  BPD mother, my fear and anxiety started when I was about 5 yrs old, and subsequent mounting disappointments and failures in life as life progressed, led me to the ‘dead inside’ stage for the past 3-4 years, and I have had passive suicide ideation since the past 1 year. My mother started ranging at me specifically and exclusively (as opposed to my siblings) around the time I turned 13.  I have been single all my life, I have no friends who would care to listen to me talk about depression, and I am not close to any member of my family. I have never seen a therapist or a psychiatrist for my depression (For several reasons, they are unaffordable, insurance didn’t cover them, some seemed more interested in money than solving my problem, or didn’t know enough). Expect for one doctor I met recently who gave me the “breaking news” that he diagnosed me with severe depression. So you can perhaps imagine the effect of over 30 years of bottling up my feelings.

I was never sure, but years of analyzing and researching on the internet (in lieu of a therapist or friend of course) lead me to a sad but not totally surprising conclusion that a major root of my problem is a lack of attachment to my angry controlling mother, and all the myriads of fears she has instilled in me. As luck would have it, I chanced upon books and articles on emotionally abusive BPD mothers and practically ‘everything’ mentioned on these forums is true for my situation. I don’t want to go into details of how she treated me as it gives me PTSD, but in short, I still fear her at the age of 35, even though I don’t live with her anymore. Not to mention that these feeling are complicated by the fact that my mother does have many redeeming qualities; I know the world outside is cruel, and if I am ever in need of money or am sick, no one will take care of me like my mother would. I feel guilty that my mother has given me excellent education and  made sure that I did not lack any material comfort, and yet I am a complete failure in life.  This makes me feel awfully guilty of complaining (in public like this) about my mother who does have a kind side to her. But that kindness will come with a price - her emotional abuse of me that will push me further into depression and may be perhaps make me kill myself one day. I share almost all the cruel mother-daughter experience of most women here.

But my mother is not an alcoholic and has very loving parents and siblings. She wasn’t too happy in her married life mostly due to her own fault, but has a very good (if not perfect) husband (my father), plus love from her other children (my siblings), then in absence of any extenuating factors in her life (except the fact that she could not have a good career), I find it difficult to understand why she treated me so badly.  It was painful to watch her rage at my father and publicly humiliate him, and also in front of us children all her life. She would shame him in front of the kids almost every other day.  In fact he is as helpless as I am but has turned into a ‘Stockholm syndrome’ mode. Why did she isolate me from my father and my other 2 siblings? Even if she had some internal issue that I am unaware of that she was struggling with, how could she manage to love my siblings but not me? Why did she choose them over me?

I have struggled with failure in all aspects of my life (friends, career, social life, love), but I feel guilty of blaming my mother for all my failures. A lot of people have been cruel to me, the world outside is selfish and full of sharks and bullies: how can I blame my mother for it? But then, I came across this article which confuses me as much as it makes things clearer for me- Please do read this scientific research article “Sticks and Stones and Broken Bones: The Influence of Parental Verbal Abuse on Peer Related Victimization by Lisa Hutchinson University of Arkansas at Little Rock And  David Mueller Boise State University”. I left my home the first chance I got, to escape the extreme verbal abuse and beatings of my mother. I thought taking a job in another city would be the immediate solution to her relentless shaming of me. Moreover, for the first time in my life I was excited about having a ‘life’. ‘My life’ and thinking about ‘myself’, what I want’, rather than obsessively thinking about how to protect myself from my mother’s anger and humiliation. But I was so wrong, as the world outside wasn’t  kind to me either.   I have been bullied by both boys and girls in every school I have been to. I was made to quit ‘every’ job I have had due to workplace harassment. This has had such detrimental consequences that I have no career now. I have been forced to take jobs that are much lower than my caliber (which too I have been pushed out of), to the stage that I am without a job now…and too fearful to take up another job anymore, as I have no reason to believe that things will be any different in a new work place.

I have had no luck on the personal or social front either. All my adult working life has been spent being humiliated at work during the day, and coming home and forcing myself to log onto match.com and hoping that someone out there will ‘like’ me today. I have been on every match-making site other there, and been to every speed- dating event that existed. No one seems to want to get to know me. And believe me, in the past I have been cheerful and funny and optimistic, yet, had no luck in dating or relationships. It is especially hard for me to rationalize this, as some acquaintances and strangers on the train (both men and women) have told me that I am beautiful and attractive, have lovely hair, lovely skin, sharp features, have a lovely smile etc. I maintain a healthy life style and am the right weight for my age and height. I have read lots of articles out there which give numerous examples of real-life women, even women who look good and have self-esteem, but are unable to find love.  Loneliness due to being single, is enough to drive even ‘normal’ women who have had a normal childhood and loving mothers, into depression. I have had just one person who loved me in my life, and I blew that relationship away due to my extreme insecurity (fostered in my head my mother who believes that men should never be trusted). The extreme regret caused by that still haunts and is that regret is so overwhelming, specially now in retrospect when I see that, truly no one exists out there who loves me, and he was the one that got away. My dating life has been ruined by insecurity, jealousy and neediness. I have had no sex life ever, by the way. I have had a very low libido due constantly living with a feeling of shame and fear. While I was at home apart from my mother’s anger, I have a very strict Christian upbringing, where boyfriends were not allowed. As a grown up, I have had a very low libido due to constant shaming by my bosses and colleagues and a perpetual fear of losing my job. And recently I learned that I have vaginismus, mostly due to psychological reasons.

Friends stop calling as they start getting married or find significant others. In fact friends, for who I was a pillar of support through their divorces and financial hardships, and friends whose weddings I planned, also don’t even care to wish me on my birthday…even on facebook.   Is it my fault that I have no friends?    All my time at work was spent in fear of scary bosses and cruel colleagues who humiliated me, spread rumors about me at work, and completely isolated me at social gatherings, blatantly took credit for my work, manipulated my bosses into give me a demotion when I should have been promoted. And all my time at home was spent on the internet, trying to find help, trying to make friends, researching on workplace bullying, lurking on depression forums or reading up on loneliness in women who are over 35 and still single, how to come to terms with a fact if you want to have children but can not, how to plan for a single life etc. God knows that I have tried my best to stay strong and help myself  through my travails, reading self-help books, going out, joining hobby classes, but bearing all this all alone has finally broken my back . I am lonely and feel abandoned and unloved. Even at 35 I feel like a child who needs to be urgently protected and hugged, but still when my mother calls she affirms every fear I have. Mother calls and blames everything on me. She tells me no one will love me because of my attitude. She tells me I don’t deserve to have any friends. She tells me that I will get kicked out of every job because I am rude to others just like I have been rude to her. These are all baseless accusations but my mind is too dulled by depression to even try to justify anything to her on the phone. She tells me that she is certain that I will end up a single old woman living alone in my apartment. She says everyone who is married is having a wonderful life and they will abandon me and shut me out of their life. And even at this age if I do manage to find anyone, my kids will most likely have down syndrome as I am too old to have kids now anyway. Her words hurt, as part of what she says is true.  But, what horrible things to say to someone who is already broken.  All that being said, my mother is the best homemaker, an excellent cook and the most generous n giving person to most other people around! She calls me often to ask if I am doing well, of if I need money. She recently transferred a very large sum of money in my bank account. This ambivalence is not just confusing, but heartbreaking.

I have no idea what I wanted to be as a kid, or what my dreams are. Professionally, I have no ambition and no passion. I guess the only 2 things I have always been chasing all my life is ‘love’ and ‘validation’. They are the reason for each and everything that I have done in my life so far. Even if someone magically agrees to pay for my tuition or gives me a job, I would not know what job would that be, or what course would I like to study. I have always been told what to do, at home and at the mediocre jobs that I have had. I feel I have had no time to ‘think’ and ‘dream’ about the ‘bigger picture’ of life, as the basic need of life-i.e. love, was not met. My entire life has been spent in a ‘putting out fire mode’, where I was covering down protecting myself form attacks of all kinds. Though I do feel that I am an intelligent person, and if given a fare chance I can prove it to the world. 

Despite the fact that most of you may have had a mother with a personality disorder, I have great trouble identifying with anyone on this forum. My life has come to a screeching halt; at 35, I am jobless, with no friends, no husband, am suffering from severe depression and suicidal tendencies. Whereas daughters of unloving mothers who post here all seem to have jobs, some even have a PhD and are writing these great books, and almost all are married or have a significant other. I find it hard to believe that despite having an unloving mother, you had the privilege of dating, finding the man who loved you, and getting married. And some of you even have daughters of your own who love you. To me all of that seem like a very distant dream. Almost like walking on mars someday.  How can someone who is struggling with attachment issues, manage to find love? Every guy I have I see many husbands posting here on behalf of their wives, that is so sweet, but looks like that can never happen to me in a million years.

I am sorry I don’t mean to spam, but I am posting this everywhere possible as I am in need of help. I am not sure if it is my mother who changed the trajectory of my life, or was is sheer bad luck. I have been out of a job for 3 years and now my funds are running out. ? I am asking for help as for the past 6 months, I have been better due to some meditation and exercise, and no longer have suicide ideation, though the feeling of emptiness prevails. But thankfully there are these small ‘windows’ of time, when I feel OK and a modicum of motivation to ‘do’ something to improve my situation. Can someone please suggest if it’s possible, at this stage and age to learn new skill, to get a job again, when I have spent most of my last 3 years sleeping? Should I even get a job or should I heal completely first? Should I go back into my old job profile while I still have PTSD about vile colleagues and workplace bullying? Or should I try and find what I like, and change my career, may be go to school again? What is the guarantee that people wont bully me in a new job profile? Is it ok to take up an entry level job at this age? Should I attempt dating when I know that I am insecure n needy? Should I indulge in casual sexual relationships with random people since I am getting older and never had sex before, and mr right is nowhere in sight? Should I freeze my eggs just in case I do find someone to love and have a child with him later in life? Can someone please email me some kind words and suggestions? Or names and phone numbers of e therapists who are free and especially trained to treat women in depression due to the above reason. I am tired of looking for help and doing all this alone. I feel like a helpless child, please be with me.  Thanks a million

[Onzy]

In my 35 years of life, this is the first time I am ever expressing my feelings. I have never spoken about my chronic sadness, fear and depression to anyone ever.  My chronic anxiety, sadness and depression has progressed with time, and I am at the lowest point now.  Growing up with a  BPD mother, my fear and anxiety started when I was about 5 yrs old, and subsequent mounting disappointments and failures in life as life progressed, led me to the ‘dead inside’ stage for the past 3-4 years, and I have had passive suicide ideation since the past 1 year. My mother started ranging at me specifically and exclusively (as opposed to my siblings) around the time I turned 13.  I have been single all my life, I have no friends who would care to listen to me talk about depression, and I am not close to any member of my family. I have never seen a therapist or a psychiatrist for my depression (For several reasons, they are unaffordable, insurance didn’t cover them, some seemed more interested in money than solving my problem, or didn’t know enough). Expect for one doctor I met recently who gave me the “breaking news” that he diagnosed me with severe depression. So you can perhaps imagine the effect of over 30 years of bottling up my feelings.

I was never sure, but years of analyzing and researching on the internet (in lieu of a therapist or friend of course) lead me to a sad but not totally surprising conclusion that a major root of my problem is a lack of attachment to my angry controlling mother, and all the myriads of fears she has instilled in me. As luck would have it, I chanced upon books and articles on emotionally abusive BPD mothers and practically ‘everything’ mentioned on these forums is true for my situation. I don’t want to go into details of how she treated me as it gives me PTSD, but in short, I still fear her at the age of 35, even though I don’t live with her anymore. Not to mention that these feeling are complicated by the fact that my mother does have many redeeming qualities; I know the world outside is cruel, and if I am ever in need of money or am sick, no one will take care of me like my mother would. I feel guilty that my mother has given me excellent education and  made sure that I did not lack any material comfort, and yet I am a complete failure in life.  This makes me feel awfully guilty of complaining (in public like this) about my mother who does have a kind side to her. But that kindness will come with a price - her emotional abuse of me that will push me further into depression and may be perhaps make me kill myself one day. I share almost all the cruel mother-daughter experience of most women here.

But my mother is not an alcoholic and has very loving parents and siblings. She wasn’t too happy in her married life mostly due to her own fault, but has a very good (if not perfect) husband (my father), plus love from her other children (my siblings), then in absence of any extenuating factors in her life (except the fact that she could not have a good career), I find it difficult to understand why she treated me so badly.  It was painful to watch her rage at my father and publicly humiliate him, and also in front of us children all her life. She would shame him in front of the kids almost every other day.  In fact he is as helpless as I am but has turned into a ‘Stockholm syndrome’ mode. Why did she isolate me from my father and my other 2 siblings? Even if she had some internal issue that I am unaware of that she was struggling with, how could she manage to love my siblings but not me? Why did she choose them over me?

I have struggled with failure in all aspects of my life (friends, career, social life, love), but I feel guilty of blaming my mother for all my failures. A lot of people have been cruel to me, the world outside is selfish and full of sharks and bullies: how can I blame my mother for it? But then, I came across this article which confuses me as much as it makes things clearer for me- Please do read this scientific research article “Sticks and Stones and Broken Bones: The Influence of Parental Verbal Abuse on Peer Related Victimization by Lisa Hutchinson University of Arkansas at Little Rock And  David Mueller Boise State University”. I left my home the first chance I got, to escape the extreme verbal abuse and beatings of my mother. I thought taking a job in another city would be the immediate solution to her relentless shaming of me. Moreover, for the first time in my life I was excited about having a ‘life’. ‘My life’ and thinking about ‘myself’, what I want’, rather than obsessively thinking about how to protect myself from my mother’s anger and humiliation. But I was so wrong, as the world outside wasn’t  kind to me either.   I have been bullied by both boys and girls in every school I have been to. I was made to quit ‘every’ job I have had due to workplace harassment. This has had such detrimental consequences that I have no career now. I have been forced to take jobs that are much lower than my caliber (which too I have been pushed out of), to the stage that I am without a job now…and too fearful to take up another job anymore, as I have no reason to believe that things will be any different in a new work place.

I have had no luck on the personal or social front either. All my adult working life has been spent being humiliated at work during the day, and coming home and forcing myself to log onto match.com and hoping that someone out there will ‘like’ me today. I have been on every match-making site other there, and been to every speed- dating event that existed. No one seems to want to get to know me. And believe me, in the past I have been cheerful and funny and optimistic, yet, had no luck in dating or relationships. It is especially hard for me to rationalize this, as some acquaintances and strangers on the train (both men and women) have told me that I am beautiful and attractive, have lovely hair, lovely skin, sharp features, have a lovely smile etc. I maintain a healthy life style and am the right weight for my age and height. I have read lots of articles out there which give numerous examples of real-life women, even women who look good and have self-esteem, but are unable to find love.  Loneliness due to being single, is enough to drive even ‘normal’ women who have had a normal childhood and loving mothers, into depression. I have had just one person who loved me in my life, and I blew that relationship away due to my extreme insecurity (fostered in my head my mother who believes that men should never be trusted). The extreme regret caused by that still haunts and is that regret is so overwhelming, specially now in retrospect when I see that, truly no one exists out there who loves me, and he was the one that got away. My dating life has been ruined by insecurity, jealousy and neediness. I have had no sex life ever, by the way. I have had a very low libido due constantly living with a feeling of shame and fear. While I was at home apart from my mother’s anger, I have a very strict Christian upbringing, where boyfriends were not allowed. As a grown up, I have had a very low libido due to constant shaming by my bosses and colleagues and a perpetual fear of losing my job. And recently I learned that I have vaginismus, mostly due to psychological reasons.

Friends stop calling as they start getting married or find significant others. In fact friends, for who I was a pillar of support through their divorces and financial hardships, and friends whose weddings I planned, also don’t even care to wish me on my birthday…even on facebook.   Is it my fault that I have no friends?    All my time at work was spent in fear of scary bosses and cruel colleagues who humiliated me, spread rumors about me at work, and completely isolated me at social gatherings, blatantly took credit for my work, manipulated my bosses into give me a demotion when I should have been promoted. And all my time at home was spent on the internet, trying to find help, trying to make friends, researching on workplace bullying, lurking on depression forums or reading up on loneliness in women who are over 35 and still single, how to come to terms with a fact if you want to have children but can not, how to plan for a single life etc. God knows that I have tried my best to stay strong and help myself  through my travails, reading self-help books, going out, joining hobby classes, but bearing all this all alone has finally broken my back . I am lonely and feel abandoned and unloved. Even at 35 I feel like a child who needs to be urgently protected and hugged, but still when my mother calls she affirms every fear I have. Mother calls and blames everything on me. She tells me no one will love me because of my attitude. She tells me I don’t deserve to have any friends. She tells me that I will get kicked out of every job because I am rude to others just like I have been rude to her. These are all baseless accusations but my mind is too dulled by depression to even try to justify anything to her on the phone. She tells me that she is certain that I will end up a single old woman living alone in my apartment. She says everyone who is married is having a wonderful life and they will abandon me and shut me out of their life. And even at this age if I do manage to find anyone, my kids will most likely have down syndrome as I am too old to have kids now anyway. Her words hurt, as part of what she says is true.  But, what horrible things to say to someone who is already broken.  All that being said, my mother is the best homemaker, an excellent cook and the most generous n giving person to most other people around! She calls me often to ask if I am doing well, of if I need money. She recently transferred a very large sum of money in my bank account. This ambivalence is not just confusing, but heartbreaking.

I have no idea what I wanted to be as a kid, or what my dreams are. Professionally, I have no ambition and no passion. I guess the only 2 things I have always been chasing all my life is ‘love’ and ‘validation’. They are the reason for each and everything that I have done in my life so far. Even if someone magically agrees to pay for my tuition or gives me a job, I would not know what job would that be, or what course would I like to study. I have always been told what to do, at home and at the mediocre jobs that I have had. I feel I have had no time to ‘think’ and ‘dream’ about the ‘bigger picture’ of life, as the basic need of life-i.e. love, was not met. My entire life has been spent in a ‘putting out fire mode’, where I was covering down protecting myself form attacks of all kinds. Though I do feel that I am an intelligent person, and if given a fare chance I can prove it to the world. 

Despite the fact that most of you may have had a mother with a personality disorder, I have great trouble identifying with anyone on this forum. My life has come to a screeching halt; at 35, I am jobless, with no friends, no husband, am suffering from severe depression and suicidal tendencies. Whereas daughters of unloving mothers who post here all seem to have jobs, some even have a PhD and are writing these great books, and almost all are married or have a significant other. I find it hard to believe that despite having an unloving mother, you had the privilege of dating, finding the man who loved you, and getting married. And some of you even have daughters of your own who love you. To me all of that seem like a very distant dream. Almost like walking on mars someday.  How can someone who is struggling with attachment issues, manage to find love? Every guy I have I see many husbands posting here on behalf of their wives, that is so sweet, but looks like that can never happen to me in a million years.

I am sorry I don’t mean to spam, but I am posting this everywhere possible as I am in need of help. I am not sure if it is my mother who changed the trajectory of my life, or was is sheer bad luck. I have been out of a job for 3 years and now my funds are running out. ? I am asking for help as for the past 6 months, I have been better due to some meditation and exercise, and no longer have suicide ideation, though the feeling of emptiness prevails. But thankfully there are these small ‘windows’ of time, when I feel OK and a modicum of motivation to ‘do’ something to improve my situation. Can someone please suggest if it’s possible, at this stage and age to learn new skill, to get a job again, when I have spent most of my last 3 years sleeping? Should I even get a job or should I heal completely first? Should I go back into my old job profile while I still have PTSD about vile colleagues and workplace bullying? Or should I try and find what I like, and change my career, may be go to school again? What is the guarantee that people wont bully me in a new job profile? Is it ok to take up an entry level job at this age? Should I attempt dating when I know that I am insecure n needy? Should I indulge in casual sexual relationships with random people since I am getting older and never had sex before, and mr right is nowhere in sight? Should I freeze my eggs just in case I do find someone to love and have a child with him later in life? Can someone please email me some kind words and suggestions? Or names and phone numbers of e therapists who are free and especially trained to treat women in depression due to the above reason. I am tired of looking for help and doing all this alone. I feel like a helpless child, please be with me.  Thanks a million

[Kwamina]

Hi Onzy

Welcome to bpdfamily!  Thanks for sharing your story here, I understand how difficult this might have been for you considering how you feel. I am very glad you're reaching out for support here though. I am also very happy that you at this point in time no longer have suicidal ideation.

Whereas daughters of unloving mothers who post here all seem to have jobs, some even have a PhD and are writing these great books, and almost all are married or have a significant other. I find it hard to believe that despite having an unloving mother, you had the privilege of dating, finding the man who loved you, and getting married. And some of you even have daughters of your own who love you. To me all of that seem like a very distant dream. Almost like walking on mars someday.  How can someone who is struggling with attachment issues, manage to find love? Every guy I have I see many husbands posting here on behalf of their wives, that is so sweet, but looks like that can never happen to me in a million years.

When comparing yourself to other people it can indeed sometimes seem like everything is better for them. Things aren't always what it seems though and I would advice you to be very cautious when comparing how you feel inside to what you see of others on the outside. When looking at people or the things they write, it isn't always clear how they really feel inside and in many cases you only get to see the best sides of people. When you constantly only compare the best outer characteristics of others to what you believe are your own 'worst' sides based on how you feel inside, odds are that things indeed always seem more appealing in the lives of others. That's true for most of us, but comparing their 'outside' to our 'inside', isn't necessarily a fair comparison though and the outcome of this comparison doesn't necessarily give an accurate reflection of reality.

Can someone please suggest if it’s possible, at this stage and age to learn new skill, to get a job again, when I have spent most of my last 3 years sleeping?

My answer to you is; YES, IT IS POSSIBLE! You are struggling with the current reality of your life. Being raised by a BPD mother isn't easy and can greatly affect you so I understand where you're coming from. Many children of BPD parents struggle with depression, I was raised by an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and know how challenging this can be. You seem to be struggling with what can be described as automatic negative thoughts. There are several techniques that you can apply that can help you better deal with these kinds of thoughts. Are you familiar with cognitive behavior therapy? The beauty and power of cognitive behavior techniques is that you can apply them even without a therapist. The basic idea is to write down any negative thoughts you might have and right next to them, write down a positive or rational response to those thoughts. You can read more about this in a recent thread on this board:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

You say you are a complete failure. If we examine that statement, what evidence do you have to support this? When is someone a complete failure? Could there perhaps also be alternative and more positive classifications that apply to you?

When you discuss your mother, in spite of all she's done to you, you're still able to identify certain positive qualities she possesses. Could you perhaps try to apply that same compassion to yourself and try to list the positive qualities you're able to see in yourself?

[rebl.brown]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story.  You are looking for connection and that is a wonderful thing.  I don't think you can heal all alone.  Are there any support groups where you could share openly in your community?  I have also found 12 step groups even al-anon to be very helpful in changing my life.  It seems impossible and insurmountable but if you could begin to see yourself as a victor instead of victim.  You are victorious for just having survived your early abuse which continues to go on.  It took me so long but it is possible to take control of your own life and learn to heal, one step at a time, one day at a time.

35!  From where you sit you think you're old.  You are just beginning.  This is a perfect time to begin, be, do and change whatever you want to.  As long as you are sucking in air it is never too late.  I'm 52 and I've just started!  Look how many years you have before you're my venerable age.  You have a lot of insight and a lot of dreams and hopes.  Continue gaining insight, money doesn't have to be a block to healing.  Read, read, read, there are books in the library for free.  Many churches offer retreats or pastoral counseling for free.  Look at the difficulties as obstacles but not excuses.  I wanted to die for most of life.  My emotional life was completely destroyed to the point I could not function.  It doesn't have to stay this way.  I am living proof.  No circumstance outside of yourself will give you relief either.  Being married, kids, jobs, those sorts of things do not heal the inner heart.  It works the other way around.  As the heart/spirit/soul heals then the other things take care of themselves.  You can do this, don't give up

[CalledaPerson]

I have been through much of what you have with a raging and invalidating BPD mother. I endured years of that from the age of five as a boy with no siblings. I agree with you that many of your current problems are related to growing up with BPDm constantly raging. There’s no need to feel guilty about not wanting to be abused even if the person is good in other ways. Most human beings have something good about them, but it doesn’t mean they have the right to abuse anyone. It’s impossible to pinpoint why or how they became so abusive or why they pick one person over another to abuse.

I would not feel guilty about blaming your mother for failures in life that relate to low self-esteem and socialization problems that she caused by abusing you.  When we leave our home environment where we were trained for years and years to behave like meek slaves, and our self-worth is zero, we have trouble commanding respect in school and the workplace. It takes a LONG time to get back to a position of self-confidence, self-love, and to learn social skills in normal environments, and gain the respect of co-workers and classmates. Mother moved out when I was 16, and I was still having problems up to about age 35, when I finally started acquiring enough social skills to be respected in the workplace. There often is and will be bullying of some kind in the workplace, usually by a manager, but I’m not singled out more than anyone else now. It might also depend on what kind of work you are doing. Some jobs, I felt like an outsider and others I felt like it was the right fit. Maybe with these jobs, you could ask other co-workers if they also thought so-and-so was a bully. If they were, usually other co-workers will agree. Early in my career, I took a lot of stuff personally that I should not have. When a boss says, “You’re doing this or that wrong,” or “Please do this or that,” it’s important not to take it personally. I almost quit my current job eight years ago when I thought the boss was being too harsh. I was ready for a terrible annual review, but he gave me a very nice review and I got a raise. He got promoted right after that, otherwise I would have probably transferred out just to get away from the constant harassment. He was soo demanding! My boss now is very nice. A lot of times, it’s just about finding the right boss and corporate family.

Sometimes, it helps to observe other people in your workplace or just in your travels and figure out what makes them successful and likeable. Really study what they are doing and see if you can copy some approach they are using.

I didn’t have much luck dating in high school and college even though people told me I looked fine. I found out later that my emotional neediness is what scared them away! It’s ironic. Having a BPD parent seems to create that void inside of “I need someone to come into my life and love me!” But the cure is you need to love yourself. You don’t actually need anybody. It’s similar to how banks will only lend money to people who don’t need it. So, don’t need it. It takes time and resolve. You can find purpose in life outside of needing a significant other. My friends have criticized the fact that I am over 40 and am not married and don’t have a steady girl, but I wouldn’t want their conflict-filled marriages over my care-free single life.  I was thinking for your situation, do you go to nightclubs? If you stand by yourself in the middle of the dance floor, you WILL get guys to come up!

Friends come and go. It’s not your fault. Adult friendships are based on common interest, I believe. I have maybe one close friend, but otherwise don’t have the close friendships I had in my ‘20s. There isn’t time for a lot of close friends when you work full-time. I seem to be well-liked by my co-workers and I hang out with them socially at times. I joke around with them often, which is what fosters friendship. I heard a comedian say that people exposed to negativity make great comedians, and as survivors of BPD abuse, we have that! Ironically, when I was emotionally needy, in my prior jobs, co-workers avoided hanging out with me. They sensed I needed it too much. Emotional need is likely to be the cause of your depression, so I think you should try to love yourself, regain some of your self-confidence, and observe and learn social skills. These things take time. I think you’re worrying too much in trying to make your life into something it might not be meant to be. It’s beneficial to accept that you are a survivor of abuse, and that’s saying a lot. That’s a huge accomplishment so be proud of yourself!

If you take away anything from my rambling analysis, I can’t stress enough the need to work on getting rid of emotional neediness. It could take years, but it worth it. Being emotionally needy seems to invite people who are less than scrupulous and who you would not want to have children with. You would not want your children to have to put up with an abuser the way we did. You may need to find not your inner child, but your inner Marine, and be tough. Skills to learn are social skills, self-confidence, sales, and leadership skills.

BPD’s behavior is invalidating. It annihilates our dreams and ambitions. I never finished the medical degree I wanted to get and switched to an easier business degree, a decision I regret and that I believe is related to BPD abuse consequences, but I am doing ok now in my current career. I believe you can find work quickly if you try. If you’re really desperate for a job right now, lower paying jobs are easy to find in populated areas. Many jobs like restaurant jobs, you may be hired on the spot. Then maybe work on looking for work that you are good at that pays better. Maybe something that interests you. Maybe go to job fairs or a college job counselor or a temp agency. I think if you work with the hand you’ve been dealt in life, you will find some happiness and success.