Analyzing My Mother: The Reason I Was Co-Dependent

[Depression = 72% of members]

So a quick introduction: I spent almost four years in a BPD relationship. This website and forum were instrumental in helping me to understand my situation, and to make the tough decisions that I needed to in order to live a happy life. My BPD relationship was my first serious one, so I was relatively young. After splitting up, I attended grad school, started a new, healthy relationship, moved to a new state, and developed my career into something I largely enjoy doing (human services). I am so grateful for this community here at bpdfamily which taught and supported me, and ultimately helped me continue to grow.

So now I'm back - I'm getting married, and have had a lot of discussions with my fiancee about my mother. She's an odd bird, and I think her disposition had a strong affect on me growing up, and had something to do with my co-dependence.

Neither of us can quite figure out if my mother has a personality disorder. I really really wish we could put a name to it as a way to legitimize our struggles with her and to learn how to better deal with her.

If you're still with me this far, great. Here we go.

My mother doesn't listen. Right off the bat. She doesn't converse well at all, and tends to "talk at" people rather than talk to them. When you say things to her, she doesn't respond to your ideas or acknowledge them - it's almost as if she can't internalize them or is unwilling to. Rather, she just moves on with her own train of thought.

She doesn't really care if you listen to her in the way most people want to be listened to. This is best exemplified by my fiancee's comments about phone conversations between my mother and I. I can barely say a word aside from an occasional "uh-huh" or "yeah" for 20 minutes and it doesn't phase my mom at all, she just keeps talking.

We're tempted to say that my mother's just not empathetic. But we're unsure of where to make the distinction. Despite her incessant chatter, my fiancee describes my mom as genuinely very nice and kind hearted. She always wants to give us stuff - but to the point where it's frustrating. We're in our mid-late twenties yet we still received hordes of Christmas presents this past season, almost all of which were returned or given to the thrift store.

It's very frustrating because we just want to be heard, want to be able to converse, want to be able to express ourselves and have an exchange with my mother. But it's never a give and take like a normal conversation. It's pretty much all her. She just doesn't stop talking, and a lot of it is complaining or worrying. She's very high energy - never calm or relaxed.

This makes me think that at it's root, the issue with her might be some sort of anxiety disorder. Whatever her situation is, she's been this way for as long as I can remember. I'm 26 now, both my parents are getting close to retirement, and maybe that will help change things, but I'm not holding out.

If anyone has any insight into what my mother's condition could possibly be - resources I could turn to in order to understand it better, anything - it could make a huge difference to us.

Thank you for your time, and if you're curious about anything, please ask.

[thimble]

So a quick introduction: I spent almost four years in a BPD relationship. This website and forum were instrumental in helping me to understand my situation, and to make the tough decisions that I needed to in order to live a happy life. My BPD relationship was my first serious one, so I was relatively young. After splitting up, I attended grad school, started a new, healthy relationship, moved to a new state, and developed my career into something I largely enjoy doing (human services). I am so grateful for this community here at bpdfamily which taught and supported me, and ultimately helped me continue to grow.

So now I'm back - I'm getting married, and have had a lot of discussions with my fiancee about my mother. She's an odd bird, and I think her disposition had a strong affect on me growing up, and had something to do with my co-dependence.

Neither of us can quite figure out if my mother has a personality disorder. I really really wish we could put a name to it as a way to legitimize our struggles with her and to learn how to better deal with her.

If you're still with me this far, great. Here we go.

My mother doesn't listen. Right off the bat. She doesn't converse well at all, and tends to "talk at" people rather than talk to them. When you say things to her, she doesn't respond to your ideas or acknowledge them - it's almost as if she can't internalize them or is unwilling to. Rather, she just moves on with her own train of thought.

She doesn't really care if you listen to her in the way most people want to be listened to. This is best exemplified by my fiancee's comments about phone conversations between my mother and I. I can barely say a word aside from an occasional "uh-huh" or "yeah" for 20 minutes and it doesn't phase my mom at all, she just keeps talking.

We're tempted to say that my mother's just not empathetic. But we're unsure of where to make the distinction. Despite her incessant chatter, my fiancee describes my mom as genuinely very nice and kind hearted. She always wants to give us stuff - but to the point where it's frustrating. We're in our mid-late twenties yet we still received hordes of Christmas presents this past season, almost all of which were returned or given to the thrift store.

It's very frustrating because we just want to be heard, want to be able to converse, want to be able to express ourselves and have an exchange with my mother. But it's never a give and take like a normal conversation. It's pretty much all her. She just doesn't stop talking, and a lot of it is complaining or worrying. She's very high energy - never calm or relaxed.

This makes me think that at it's root, the issue with her might be some sort of anxiety disorder. Whatever her situation is, she's been this way for as long as I can remember. I'm 26 now, both my parents are getting close to retirement, and maybe that will help change things, but I'm not holding out.

If anyone has any insight into what my mother's condition could possibly be - resources I could turn to in order to understand it better, anything - it could make a huge difference to us.

Thank you for your time, and if you're curious about anything, please ask.