Trusting your intuition

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am wondering if any of you noticed odd things, during the beginning of your relationship with the pwBPD, and rationalized out of it or didn't follow it at that time for whatever reason.

I thought this would be a good thing to post about here, because if you did notice clues to BPD early on, you can give yourself some credit for noticing, even while you think about why you may not have followed your intuition.  And if you didn't notice, you can ask yourself what was going on with how you were feeling, and what you were telling yourself that might have distracted you from your intuition.

As I've said elsewhere, my relationship with a uBPD was brief. When I was (what I now know is) being idealized, my little antennae went up.  Maybe you are familiar with that little voice in your head, not necessarily very emotional, that just says "Hey notice that thing that he/she did/said."

In this case, it was "This guy really likes me, and he's so worried that I'm going to reject him for all these things that I clearly haven't, because I'm still right here with him aren't I, and it's almost endearing, and I enjoy all the self-disclosure, and yes I do feel a strong connection with him like he does with me but... .I think he's more into me than I am into him?"  And I thought, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I wrote it off as "unusual, but harmless". 

Then, one time when we were lying in bed together, his cat came and laid down on his chest, facing him.  For me it was this wholesome cozy moment of the sort that I rarely get to have (I haven't been in a lot of relationships) and after a few minutes, he brushed her off with what I thought was more force than necessary if you don't want the cat on you.  I forget what he said even but it was this sudden moment of impatience! That stuck out as a warning sign.  (But when we now know about opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, it's not odd at all.)

This happened with my uBPD former friend, too.  I met her at a group event and the first time we saw each other after that, for lunch, she was asking our server for numerous very specific changes to her order, but she was doing it with this tone of voice, that seemed like she was trying just a bit too hard to be sweet, in order to get what she wanted.  She turned out to be very controlling over her food and physical sensory surroundings. She said it was because she had PTSD and would get triggered and dissociate, which may well have been the case.  The problem was when she slowly started expecting me to cater to all of her specifics, and that control showed up in our conversations as well, as "can't win" situations.

I think what happens with me is I notice these things about people, either that or just a gut feeling the first time I lay eyes on them, and I... .I don't know, I'm afraid of being confrontational or laying into them right then and there.  I don't have to do it with that tone I guess, but it still just doesn't seem socially appropriate to do that with someone I've just met.  Or, I don't have a context for what I've noticed, so I make assumptions about it (such as "unusual but harmless" until I get further information or examples. 

[eeks]

I am wondering if any of you noticed odd things, during the beginning of your relationship with the pwBPD, and rationalized out of it or didn't follow it at that time for whatever reason.

I thought this would be a good thing to post about here, because if you did notice clues to BPD early on, you can give yourself some credit for noticing, even while you think about why you may not have followed your intuition.  And if you didn't notice, you can ask yourself what was going on with how you were feeling, and what you were telling yourself that might have distracted you from your intuition.

As I've said elsewhere, my relationship with a uBPD was brief. When I was (what I now know is) being idealized, my little antennae went up.  Maybe you are familiar with that little voice in your head, not necessarily very emotional, that just says "Hey notice that thing that he/she did/said."

In this case, it was "This guy really likes me, and he's so worried that I'm going to reject him for all these things that I clearly haven't, because I'm still right here with him aren't I, and it's almost endearing, and I enjoy all the self-disclosure, and yes I do feel a strong connection with him like he does with me but... .I think he's more into me than I am into him?"  And I thought, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I wrote it off as "unusual, but harmless". 

Then, one time when we were lying in bed together, his cat came and laid down on his chest, facing him.  For me it was this wholesome cozy moment of the sort that I rarely get to have (I haven't been in a lot of relationships) and after a few minutes, he brushed her off with what I thought was more force than necessary if you don't want the cat on you.  I forget what he said even but it was this sudden moment of impatience! That stuck out as a warning sign.  (But when we now know about opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, it's not odd at all.)

This happened with my uBPD former friend, too.  I met her at a group event and the first time we saw each other after that, for lunch, she was asking our server for numerous very specific changes to her order, but she was doing it with this tone of voice, that seemed like she was trying just a bit too hard to be sweet, in order to get what she wanted.  She turned out to be very controlling over her food and physical sensory surroundings. She said it was because she had PTSD and would get triggered and dissociate, which may well have been the case.  The problem was when she slowly started expecting me to cater to all of her specifics, and that control showed up in our conversations as well, as "can't win" situations.

I think what happens with me is I notice these things about people, either that or just a gut feeling the first time I lay eyes on them, and I... .I don't know, I'm afraid of being confrontational or laying into them right then and there.  I don't have to do it with that tone I guess, but it still just doesn't seem socially appropriate to do that with someone I've just met.  Or, I don't have a context for what I've noticed, so I make assumptions about it (such as "unusual but harmless" until I get further information or examples. 

[doubleAries]

there is a really super excellent book totally worth reading about intuition called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. If you haven't read it, you should!

[Pingo]

there is a really super excellent book totally worth reading about intuition called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. If you haven't read it, you should!

Another one for my list! 

eeks, I have a very good intuition. I just haven't always wanted to listen to it. Because it was telling me stuff I didn't want to hear. Within the first month or two being with my ex I felt that he was perhaps quite unstable. Unstable enough that he might be the type to stalk or even kill an ex! Yes I had these glimpses into crazy and decided I was the one who was being crazy thinking of such extreme things!  After all he hadn't actually done anything crazy, it was merely a gut feeling.  As it turns out he is that type of man (hasn't killed me yet though! So hopefully I was wrong on that one!   ).  As dismayed at myself as I am for ignoring such warnings, I am using that knowledge that I did at least intuit something was wrong as a positive now. I know I can trust my intuition. I don't have to question it or brush it aside. I have had another couple of opportunities to learn that once again my intuition is spot on (in men I've had contact with since my BU).  It only helps in my self-esteem and self-trust. 

I think what happens with me is I notice these things about people, either that or just a gut feeling the first time I lay eyes on them, and I... .I don't know, I'm afraid of being confrontational or laying into them right then and there.  I don't have to do it with that tone I guess, but it still just doesn't seem socially appropriate to do that with someone I've just met.  Or, I don't have a context for what I've noticed, so I make assumptions about it (such as "unusual but harmless" until I get further information or examples. 

I think this is why it's so crucial to take our time getting into a r/s, not rush things, not become sexual too fast.  If we allow ourselves to get to really know them before we allow ourselves to fall in love with them (rendering us somewhat helpless to all those love hormones) we get a chance to see who they really are. My T suggests 3 mths before becoming intimate!

[Pingo]

I had another thought. As a child I was not allowed to express my feelings, I had to learn to stuff them down. So it would make sense that I learned how to detach from my feelings. Now as an adult I'm having to relearn how to trust my feelings and express them. This has been the biggest hurdle for me.

[Perfidy]

Eeks, about intuition. When desire is present we see only manifestation. Without desire we see the mystery. We sense something, and then we place a value on it that it doesn't actually posses. We actively create obscurity. When the senses are not in control of our minds, intuition is all that is left. Was there some sensory experience that you placed great value on?