Writing of my story

[Cheshire]

Hey all.  I haven't been on here in awhile.  I wrote a piece for my blog on gaslighting that I thought might interest some of you.  The writing of my story has been such a powerful tool in my recovery.  Please feel free to read it if you have the time or inclination.

https://cheshirechronicles.wordpress.com/2015/02/04/the-gas-light/

Thanks.

-Cheshire

[Ziggiddy]

What a wonderful blog, Cheshire. I was quite entranced.

I felt my own inner story coming to life with the reading of it.

I have copied some quotes here that particularly got to me:

Those of us who have been wounded in such a deep way crave the company of others that can understand scars that can’t be seen

^This. This is what I expend my energies on. I feel like I circle and spiral just wishing and hoping for someone to say "Yes - I believe you. She has hurt you and bled you all the while blaming you for not having enough blood to let."


I imagine others have seen this light and that is why they wanted to know me.

This actually made me quite sad because it has never occurred to me that other people would actively seek me out. I am an accident who showed up in their lives and hasn't left yet. I need some inner glue to fill up the crack where the logic leaks out but I'm damned if I know where to get it!

The child is forced to choose between rebellion from authority and submission to it. My older brother chose open rebellion, and suffered incredibly. I was afraid of losing my mothers love, so I chose submission. Submission creates a dissonance in the self that doesn’t go away with time.

SO true.

Same dynamic in my family.

I'd look on while my brother would blatantly and immediately rebel specifically against whatever edict had just been issued from on high and stare with horrified wonder when Dad would sail in and just punch him right in the face for disobedience.

Worse, I'd be standing there quaking thinking "But they TOLD you not to do it - about 10 minutes ago. It's your own fault."

Never occurred to me till 30 years later that no crime an 11 year old could commit should be punished that way.

It took many months more to realise the effect it had on me just watching it happen.

Her primary motivation was her own emotional gratification.

I'd like this on a plaque, please.

I forget and forget and slip back into indoctrination - "I'm bleeding you for YOUR sake. I'm taking all that you have to HELP you. because this THIS is what love IS." Oh thank you thank you. <Kisses floor>

I hate it when people hold the door for me because they need me to say thank you.

Same. Ironically if I asked for validation the response was "Oh stop fishing for compliments." Huh.

Something worse builds upon it when the other parent reinforces the message.

'Reality' then becomes very very hard to deconstruct. One versus one you may have a chance but when BOTH are in the false structure? Forget about it. it helps me forgive myself for taking 44 years to penetrate the illusion.


I have been slowly deleting her negative introject and rewriting my inner voice. I hate myself a lot less now.

That is excellent, Cheshire. A real reward for doing such hard painful work.

I am sorry your family life turned out that way but I am immensely impressed at the way you have worked it out to get the silver lining.

Bravo

Ziggiddy

[Cheshire]

Thank you for reading my story, Ziggiddy.  I'm grateful you found it validating.  I don't mind door holders here.    In response to your comment on being sought out, I would say that in my life about half of those that sought me out for my "light" were dangerous for me to know.  The half that are like my older brother are the ones who have identified with their abuser and will in turn abuse others if they can.  The rest are like you and me.  We are all witnesses to an invisible second world within this one.  We have seen the Crazy and are marked by it.  I can't speak for you, but my recovery work has opened the aperture and focused the lens on so much more than my ___ty childhood.  I see everything differently now.  Don't feel too sad about the idea; if my "math" is correct, it was a 50/50 chance they just wanted to be your friend.  . Well met, Ziggiddy. Good luck in your journey.

-Cheshire

[Edgewood]

Wow, Cheshire.  I'm a fan, now. 

You have so much insight that I lack; it helped me understand some things about my own family.  Thank you.

[Enoughforme]

Thank you for helping me put words to gas light.

[Harri]

Excellent blog!  I spent some time earlier this morning reading you.  I like the way you express yourself.  I bookmarked your blog so I can read more of your writing. Well done and thanks for sharing.

[Cheshire]

Thanks for all the kind words, everyone! 

[clljhns]

Cheshire,

Wow. Your blog was incredibly well written and resonated with me. I think so much of what you wrote applies to all of us here, but I wanted to touch on a couple of things that you said in your blog that really spoke to me.

You mentioned your older brother didn't make it through the emotional abuse and your other brother would rather stay in denial to have the relationship with your mom. This reflects the state of my family to a large degree. My brother and S52, are both angry and volatile people, so I keep my distance from them. Given that they sustained the worst of the abuse, I can understand their anger. Won't I don't understand is their refusal to move past it. My oldest sister still has contact with our parents, as she so desperately needs their validation for her own survival. To be without them, as enmeshed as she is, would threaten her own ability to exist without them.

I really get what you are saying about moving into the darkness on the journey of your healing. I have been there several times in my journey, and am departing soon on another journey into the depths of my soul. Not the most pleasant of journeys to take, but well worth the trip. Wouldn't you agree?

Thank you for sharing your blog, but mostly for the manner in which you can put to words what the soul is feeling.

Wishing you all the best.