the hard part is that I do know I am ill too. I am working on it, but she says I am not. Am I healthy enough to judge that just as I do not know she is healthy enough to judge herself?
The big thing she keeps harping on is the situation with Rodeo tickets. My mother, the day after the whole threat from her to my wife about leaving me alone or else, heard I was going to be taking my son for Saturday evening. My mother had box seats to the Rodeo and offered them to me since she is not into that sort of thing. I had told my wife because I thought this was a kind gesture. My wife was upset she just offered my son and I, but my mother did not think I was even home to take my wife. Anyways, I knew my son would probably not want to go and my wife said there is no way my son is allowed to take anything from my mother after the threat she made and it was rude for her not to offer more tickets. So Saturday, my mother asked me if I wanted the tickets, and I stated that my son said he was thankful for the offer, but he was not really into the rodeo. I thought this was polite because it was a kind gesture and it did not make anyone seem rude
My wife is furious because she says I lied about my son. My son did not know anything about this. She says I should have drawn a boundary and told my mother "i cannot take these tickets because you threatened my wife and as a result there will be no contact nor conversation about my family with you"
Was I wrong on that? Did i let my mother cross a boundary or was i just doing the polite thing and maintaining peace rather than needless arguing and pain?
Anyways, sitting here today... .she has upper hand. She got me a nice gift for me. I cannot say i really do not want it because she put alot into it and I am thankful for that and that is all that really matters to me. The problem is that she has that over my head. She hated my gift and told me to return. She does not want anything from my, but at same time if i get nothing that is worse. I know she would like to stay at a nice hotel etc for VDAy, but she will not even talk to me now so do I make plans and shell out $350 or more on a hotel and not even go? Then I am also out a gift to her which is doubly bad. It is a catch 22
Or I just ignore everything and say I am not a bad person while she suffers and implodes. Not run the circle, but its also plain mean not to here. All so confusing. Hardest part is she does not understand how much I do care.
She is not healthy enough to judge herself. In fact, one of the earmarks of BPD is self loathing and judging themselves... .they always paint themselves black.
A good mental image is a duck with oil on their feathers. The bird will try to shake off the black... .but they are still covered. For a pwBPD, bad feelings about themselves is the oil and they try to 'shake it off' unto others around them.
The logic of BPD goes something like this:
I like grapes. Person X does not like grapes. Person X must not like me because I like grapes. Furthermore, there must be something wrong with me if I like grapes and Person X doesn't. Well... .there can't be anything wrong with me... .so something is wrong with Person X. Person X is a jerk because they do not like grapes. I should convince Person X grapes are the best.
Yes... .it's that ridiculous for nons... .but for pwBPD... .that is the daily news feed in their heads.
With that being said, let's look at the rest of your situation.
You definitely have some pulling between your mom and wife gong on. You have to stop that, and stop letting them do that. They are using you to piss the other off. It is not fair to you.
It was a kind gesture from your mom... .but it was also most likely a slight to your wife. Did your mom only have 2 tickets? Does your wife like the rodeo? Would she have liked to gone?
If you knew your son would probably not like to go, the best thing would have been to say thanks but no thanks to mom, and not even mention it to your wife.
When you are dealing with pwBPD, HOW you say things is more important than anything. I do not condone lying to your spouse... .but there are ways to communicate what's going on without triggering them. There are things I don't discuss with my H because he will not respond well... .such as this board. If he asks me directly... .I will not lie.
However, if I went and told him... .BOOM Dysregulation City!
