Things seem to be getting worse

[marie1057]

HI Everyone.  Thank you for being my support system. I seldom post but I read almost daily.  My son who is in his twenties has not been officially diagnosed so I am going from the 10 books I have read and extensive research.  In the past week he has gotten into a fight with a coworker and quit his job, gotten a speeding ticket and a few days later totalled his car which wasn't his faught. He is overwhelmed and depressed. He hides out in the basement sleeping mostly.  His girlfriend broke up with him a month ago and that's when things started getting bad again. He wants a solid relationship so badly but doesn't communicate effectively so relationships never last for him... He quit college after 3 years and a few jobs already. We have other crisises going on at the same time unrelated to him. He has never attempted suicide but does have self loathing. He sabbatoges his life and is very judgmental so he can't get along with people. He doesn't have friends. I feel like I am falling apart. I have been attempting to use the dbt workbook I bought for him which he won't even look at, to help myself.  I called a counselor yesterday and decided if he won't go then I will before I crack from stress. There are no practitioners in our area who use dbt. I am waiting for approval from insurance to see this counselor. If I set boundaries and don't give him his way, he breaks things in the house. His temper can happen in a split second. I don't know what to do when that happens. I have been trying to validate and keep things calm but whenever I say no he explodes. I called the police once. They literally did nothing. I will not put him out because I know he is sick not a bad person. My husband works all the time and is seldom home. Any advice on convincing him to see a Dr or therapist or how to make my life less stressful will be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

marie1057

Seeking out a counselor for yourself is a very important step. I hope this can begin soon.

It is so hard to put our own needs first with our troubled kids, even those of us with adult kids. My BPDDDis 28 now. Over the past few years I have worked all the tools and lessons (right sidebar), with limited success. I had my focus on helping my dd and paid little attention to my own needs and safety. Realizing that my gd9 needed protection from the trauma of being around her mom energized me to make changes. I pushed myself out of my self-imposed isolation to build a support network for ME. Only with this support have I been able to create a healthier, safe relationship with DD28.

Validation has limits when the other person is emotionally dysregulated. Especially if there is abusive or violent behaviors, you need a safety plan in place. I have left the house - by foot or car, gone to a neighbors, called the police even though that is only a temporary break. DD would be on eval at ER for 72 hours mental health hold. She always came back a few hours later. This has been the case at least once every year since she was 17.

We did come to the place when DD could not manage her behavior and she had to leave our home. This was the most difficult choice I have ever had to make. She became homeless to protect our gd9 from some of the trauma.

In the last year, while DD was in jail for probation violations on a couple misdemeanor charges, I was able to find a way to integrate many of the lessons. I had the help of a counselor, my faith community's women's ministry, participating in a 12-step recovery group for my co-dependency (which I am just now accepting as real - whew my denial of this is strong!). After many years of trying to 'solve' this on my own, I have the support in place now.

DD is still who she is and still makes daily choices that I could never tolerate for myself. She is not alone and she is not in our home. My safety plan has worked - DD no longer violates my personal values-based boundaries. Well maybe I am the one sticking to the boundaries.



qcr

[lbjnltx]

Hi marie1057,

Qcarolr made some good points in her reply to you.

Have you thought about setting any boundaries and what those boundaries might look like?

lbj

[marie1057]

It's been a couple of months and my son has taken a new job, however he is complaining about it already. Always the victim in his mind and he really only talks to me when he wants to gripe about work and wants me to agree with him. I am working on listening and validating.  My counsellor is awesome and I can see I am growing and taking better care of myself. Recently he went off cussing me out and I told him it was inappropriate and I cant stand it any longer and if it continues he will have to look for another place to live.

[lbjnltx]

Hi marie,

Good to see you back and good to hear that you are doing better!

What did your son say or do when you told him if it continues he will have to look for another place to live?