Trying to leave unhealthy relationship

[gdl023]

 Hello, I am new to blogging so please be kind!

I've been married to my husband for 17 years.  10 years ago he became chronically ill and I seemed  to sink into the co-dependent role~ obviously the tendencies were always there but not a problem when life is moving along nicely.

I was always trying to take care of him because he was not doing so for himself. He has issues with anger, I believe he is bi-polar but won't admit to being diagnosed with it. He checked out of our marriage 10 years ago, always able to go to work and burning himself out and when at home he was asleep,  and when awake he was a tyrant!  I have spent the last 10 years insulating myself and our kids from his anger, resentment, etc.  He has lost touch with his children and I am left with no feelings ~or as I am learning from this site, the inability to identify my feelings at all.

I have been depressed for years and thought that was just my problem, not realizing I was feeding off of his depression.  The sicker he gets, the more I try to "fix" him.  The more I try to fix him the less he does for himself!

Finally last June I reached my limit. I calmly asked my SO for a separation, he promptly told our 10 year old that I was throwing him out!  He completely lost it and I was forced to leave the house with the kids.  On our way out the door he screamed "don't worry I know where the pills are"!  The kids heard it! Soon after this he told me he was going to kill himself and he had the anti-freeze & rope in his truck! After years of hearing about his plans to die and how we would have all the insurance money, and the kids will get over it! I am so exhausted with this emotional roller coaster. I can't stand his anger!

  Any one of these things would be enough justification to leave but here I am, papers with the attorney and unable to move forward.

  Things have settled down now so he thinks things are fine and I should forgive him, I go to church so I should, we took vows etc. He left for 6 weeks and things were good, I felt relieved and happy! He kept begging to come back and in order to avoid confrontation, I let him come back.  My kids and I are living out of my room to avoid him. I am seeing a counselor, and after years of me asking him to get counseling, he is also seeing a counselor.  He is surprisingly able to stay awake now and is regulating his temper. He is also spending more time with the kids so I guess some good has come of this mess! I feel like I am at the point of no return, he crossed the line-why do I still feel guilty and sorry for him? Well, after reading this blog I guess I know why!  How do I move forward and feel alright?

[going places]

1. Find an abuse advocate in your area. Do a "bing" search. Type in "abuse advocate (and your towns name)"

Get to an abuse advocate right now.

2. Get away from the abuser as soon as possible. If that means throw him out do it. Get a restraining order if you must. NEVER EVER leave w/o your child. Always take the child with. You must get away from this abuser as fast as possible.

3. READ READ READ. Read all you can.

Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that"

Do an online search for "gaslighting". YOU are being gas lit and it has rewired your brain in an unhealthy way.

https://www.facebook.com/HealthyPlace?fref=nf

www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

www.buzzle.com/articles/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

www.buzzle.com/articles/antisocial-personality-disorder/

www.buzzle.com/articles/emotional-abuse/

4. Thru your advocate, get into a 'group' where you can see that YOU are not the only one this is happening too and it will SOLIDIFY in your mind that you are being abused... .it's not your 'imagination' and it's not to be taken lightly. You are being abused.

5. Get an attorney, protect yourself and your child.

6. Do NOT listen to 'church' counselors. They are not trained professionals, they have no idea how to handle abuse, PTSD, depression, etc... .and they can give advice that will cost you your life.

By all means, pray. PRAY like you have never prayed in your life. Walk close with the Lord, study His Word... .

BUT steer clear of "church counleors" because THEY are NOT trained to handle what you are going thru, and their advice could cost you your life.

YES FORGIVE: Jesus forgave those who did Him wrong... .but He didn't hang out with them, live with them, etc.

Forgiveness is for you and God.

NOT for anyone else.

It's a heart condition that only YOU and God need to know about.

7. Please, I beg you, please, get to an abuse advocate today