Irrational fear that my exBPD will change with my replacement

[antonio1213]

Does anyone else get this? Does anyone else feel this way. I have started to feel this way lately and it is really bothering me. I can think about it rationally and see that she has BPD (heard it from two Ts) and probably won't change. She changed a little with me but underneath it all remained the angry, attention seeking, self-centered, crazy b*tch she has always been. I have fears that she will suddenly not be a complete b*tch, angry all the time, or have any of her other behavior with my replacement. I am afriad that she will treat him better than she treated me, and she treated me terribly.

This probably sounds like I still hold a grudge toward her or haven't fully detached yet. And to be honest I haven't but I am working on it everyday. This kind of thinking is probably not healthy for me and I know that, but I just want to know the peoples' input. And if anyone else thinks this way. So far they have been together for 2 months now, the idealization phase has to be running out soon.

[christin5433]

Does anyone else get this? Does anyone else feel this way. I have started to feel this way lately and it is really bothering me. I can think about it rationally and see that she has BPD (heard it from two Ts) and probably won't change. She changed a little with me but underneath it all remained the angry, attention seeking, self-centered, crazy b*tch she has always been. I have fears that she will suddenly not be a complete b*tch, angry all the time, or have any of her other behavior with my replacement. I am afriad that she will treat him better than she treated me, and she treated me terribly.

This probably sounds like I still hold a grudge toward her or haven't fully detached yet. And to be honest I haven't but I am working on it everyday. This kind of thinking is probably not healthy for me and I know that, but I just want to know the peoples' input. And if anyone else thinks this way. So far they have been together for 2 months now, the idealization phase has to be running out soon.

I do think life will be better for her wo me . It's a fear that I let go in me and then it leaves me . If she was so bad to you like mine was w me why the heck would it matter. It's been such a hard road for me daily to find peace in myself about my anger jealousy lack of control disappointment pain depression ... .And guilt. I'm just trying to focus on its over. I dream of the good times I cherish it but its not reality anymore and detaching isn't easy. I still have a few photos of us in my home. I still have the kids pictures up. I will put away the closer I am ready to let it go. I guess my point is dont be so hard on urself the letting go process is different for all of us. I'm in acceptance she is gone but I feel still attached . There will come a day I won't feel that attachment but I'm ok w my real feelings. It's not when I say it's gone it's when it's gone. I go forward everyday I look at it like recovery from a addiction . Time takes time. I'm learning so much rt now about myself and my choices, breathe and be ok w however you feel. We are all on this journey of change because we all got hurt very bad from a person w a disorder.

[hurting300]

Look at her past pal. And what does it matter anyway? What's more important is she was a bad fit for you. Heal yourself and you'll look back at this and wonder why you even let it bother you.

[Suzn]

Hi Antonio. Your thoughts are a pretty normal part of the grieving process. We are all worthy of being treated with kindness and respect, you are no exception. A lot of us didn't set boundaries around how we expected to be treated in our relationship.

It may surprise you to know that some handle communication skills differently than we have. We all have different temperaments, different skill levels for communication and boundary setting. For example, one of my replacements handled my ex's deregulation much better than I did. My ex was less triggered in that relationship than she was with me. Their relationship stlll ended however it was difficult to come to terms with the realization that my lack of communication skills and my reactions to her behaviors played a role in how she treated me. It's very true that it takes two to tango.

[blissful_camper]

Does anyone else get this? Does anyone else feel this way. I have started to feel this way lately and it is really bothering me. I can think about it rationally and see that she has BPD (heard it from two Ts) and probably won't change. She changed a little with me but underneath it all remained the angry, attention seeking, self-centered, crazy b*tch she has always been. I have fears that she will suddenly not be a complete b*tch, angry all the time, or have any of her other behavior with my replacement. I am afriad that she will treat him better than she treated me, and she treated me terribly.

This probably sounds like I still hold a grudge toward her or haven't fully detached yet. And to be honest I haven't but I am working on it everyday. This kind of thinking is probably not healthy for me and I know that, but I just want to know the peoples' input. And if anyone else thinks this way. So far they have been together for 2 months now, the idealization phase has to be running out soon.

I think it's pretty common to wonder about whether change will occur with the replacement.  No, it's highly unlikely that your ex will change.  The "change" or maybe "improvement" that you saw was on the surface.  That doesn't signal the significant healing kind of change that signals she is developing new skills to deal with the "symptoms" of her disorder.  

My ex seemed to feel that my replacement would be the "miracle cure" for his "issues" and that he would change in that relationship.  He did not.  The disorder replayed itself with my replacement.  Zero change in him.  

A relationship cannot fix a disorder.  What can manifest change is serious therapy with a qualified therapist.  Even then it's a long road.

I know it's hard but focus on you.  If you can commit to that, when you're further along in your own healing these thoughts won't preoccupy your mind.  Give yourself a chance to get there.  It's worth the work.  

[christin5433]

Hi Antonio. Your thoughts are a pretty normal part of the grieving process. We are all worthy of being treated with kindness and respect, you are no exception. A lot of us didn't set boundaries around how we expected to be treated in our relationship.

It may surprise you to know that some handle communication skills differently than we have. We all have different temperaments, different skill levels for communication and boundary setting. For example, one of my replacements handled my ex's deregulation much better than I did. My ex was less triggered in that relationship than she was with me. Their relationship stlll ended however it was difficult to come to terms with the realization that my lack of communication skills and my reactions to her behaviors played a role in how she treated me. It's very true that it takes two to tango.

Well said. You've obviously seem better w the acceptance . I hear u it's so true maybe If I'm really honest my best was my best. Someone else who knows might be a better fit? But it does hurt no matter what to lose someone you loved.

[Suzn]

Agreed christin. It does hurt to lose someone you loved. There will always be difficult issues in a relationship with a pwBPD. That's a given. The length of their relationships hinge more on their partners abilities to set boundaries, have the capacity for a little bit of emotional distance and mastering the communication skills necessary to be in a r/s with a pwBPD. It's not an easy role even for a healthy minded person. Knowing that helps to deal with the realization that we were not prepared for this role.

[christin5433]

Agreed christin. It does hurt to lose someone you loved. There will always be difficult issues in a relationship with a pwBPD. That's a given. The length of their relationships hinge more on their partners abilities to set boundaries, have the capacity for a little bit of emotional distance and mastering the communication skills necessary to be in a r/s with a pwBPD. It's not an easy role even for a healthy minded person. Knowing that helps to deal with the realization that we were not prepared for this role.

I know I personally did my homework and tried my ex couldn't stop herself and her destructive behavior. Even when I literally did or said little. I basically told her I would not engage w irrational and no resolve conflictual conversations . My boundary . I was powerless over her BPD. She had went to others when my silence would not be broken. I reached a point my inner self could not bear one more of her episodes of abuse. I came to a place I needed to let her go. Or at least let her live out her own consequence. Now I lost my family my partner and I'm beginning to be ok w it. Lots of painful feelings day in and day out. But I believe I will find my peace . 

[downnout98]

I am wrestling with the same feeling. I have been replaced and according to my ex, she is free from all the drama. She makes it out like I was solely at fault. The most hurtful part is that I was so easily replaced and so quickly. I feel like I laid all the groundwork and someone else will benefit. I am trying to listen to everyone's posts in this site and see that it was not me, but her disorder, and that she will not change. Trying to let go of false hopes and fantasies.

[Suzn]

In the example I gave Antonio, when I saw that my ex was doing better in that relationship I felt utterly robbed. It was extremely painful. That situation is what started my search for recovery, to try to make some sort of sense of it all. It was my ego talking with the fear that it was all me, she seemed to be doing very well.

It wasn't long after that that her world fell apart again and their r/s ended. I also saw that happen. It didn't change the fact that I needed to make sense of it all. Our relationship issues, her role and my role. I had reached a point that I knew I never wanted to be in that situation again. I started digging into my questions online, found these boards and found a T.

[christin5433]

In the example I gave Antonio, when I saw that my ex was doing better in that relationship I felt utterly robbed. It was extremely painful. That situation is what started my search for recovery, to try to make some sort of sense of it all. It was my ego talking with the fear that it was all me, she seemed to be doing very well.

It wasn't long after that that her world fell apart again and their r/s ended. I also saw that happen. It didn't change the fact that I needed to make sense of it all. Our relationship issues, her role and my role. I had reached a point that I knew I never wanted to be in that situation again. I started digging into my questions online, found these boards and found a T.

Well good topic Antonio because this is my greatest fear. And it may be what I may have to see... .But I'm trying not to future trip. But I guess my need to accept and let go. I read some info on detach w love. Believe me I'm not someone who is walking on air. I've been a very angry crazy person in my past ... .I've had my share of acting like a pissed off mf . But this r/s for some reason I let her hurt me. And I let myself be the one to get the sh kicked out of me on all levels. My point is. I'm going to continue to let her go w love . I know if the day comes and I must see her move on and be happy. I know I too will have a chance at happy. Because I know I chose not to live in hate and fear. I know her stuff will not go away. I know I did the best I could . U probably did your best too. I think we get these feelings because we feel a sort of inadequecy I know I do. And justification of she needs to be taken out. But when I feed that I get sick. It is sucking for me everyday but I'm surprised I'm letting it go. I tell myself it's over. Every morning when my head gets the best of me and I identify my feelings and I know if I need to just stay home or I'um able to do things out in the world.

[peace_seeker]

Does anyone else get this? Does anyone else feel this way. I have started to feel this way lately and it is really bothering me. I can think about it rationally and see that she has BPD (heard it from two Ts) and probably won't change. She changed a little with me but underneath it all remained the angry, attention seeking, self-centered, crazy b*tch she has always been. I have fears that she will suddenly not be a complete b*tch, angry all the time, or have any of her other behavior with my replacement. I am afriad that she will treat him better than she treated me, and she treated me terribly.

This probably sounds like I still hold a grudge toward her or haven't fully detached yet. And to be honest I haven't but I am working on it everyday. This kind of thinking is probably not healthy for me and I know that, but I just want to know the peoples' input. And if anyone else thinks this way. So far they have been together for 2 months now, the idealization phase has to be running out soon.

Hi Antonio1213, i agree with what Suzn said:

It may surprise you to know that some handle communication skills differently than we have. We all have different temperaments, different skill levels for communication and boundary setting. For example, one of my replacements handled my ex's deregulation much better than I did. My ex was less triggered in that relationship than she was with me. Their relationship stlll ended however it was difficult to come to terms with the realization that my lack of communication skills and my reactions to her behaviors played a role in how she treated me. It's very true that it takes two to tango.

I've gone through this phase and constantly repeat this fear with my counsellor. What I learnt it - all couples are bound to have difference, and whether a couple can work out the differences will determine whether or not they can last. You see, even if your ex seems to be happy with her replacement, it doesn't mean that she has changed. it probably only shows that the replacement has a lower threshold and an even lower self respect to put all with all the rubbish treatment.

But let's assume that your ex really changed and started treating the new replacement better. what does this show? This simply shows that your ex didn't love you as much as she could have, and she was being a complete jerk when with you. It doesn't mean you are not good enough for her, it just means you've loved her more than she loved you. Painful truth.

Anyway, try to focus your attention on this prediction - because there is no way knowing how things will turn out. Focus your attention back on how she have treated you, and be real with yourself and know that even if you two get back together, she's not going to treat you any better. And is this something that you can live with for the rest of your life? is this how you think you deserved to be treated? I dont think so... so focus on these, and turn your attention to what you need.

Stay strong!

[Dutched]

I think that ‘fear’ is part of the rumination process.

Take your time, let it out to process, then try to think rational again. Nothing wrong with it.

Don’t think it will be better, despite the next one being different, maybe even better ‘suited’ for that dynamic.

Now, all is covered behind another door, you can’t have a peek behind that door, that’s all.

That is why it is indeed an irrational ‘fear’.

The expartners bring along their personality… into their new r/s, that won’t change, despite mirroring the replacement (during the honeymoon stage).

Based on many yrs. I predicted the outcome of my r/s one day (very painful to realize/face that ), tried to prevent it, however the disorder always wins.

Based on many yrs. I predicted exw dissociative mind, her unhappiness afterwards (dead empty eyes, expression, etc.) despite happy in a r/s. Even predicted the kind of guy (who is unable to pick up subtle signs of anxiety, body language, etc).

No, after decades in that 1 r/s with me, exw won’t reach her baseline anymore.

As from the 1st topic on this Board until today, all stories are in fact similar (read the old ones too).

PwBPD won’t change, unless they hit rock bottom, unless treated, unless finally facing themselves (and that will be the day… won’t it).

Hang in there

[heartbroken25]

Antonio1213  I started apost only 2 days ago.  This is what I wrote.  Obviously, we are not alone!


I'm 2.5 years separated with LC to my dBPDh.  I beleive this is his 3rd or 4th replacement since our seperation.  I've worked really hard in therapy to try to rehabilitate myself from a 28 year realtionship (married 13 years) with him and it has not been an easy road but I am making progress. Its a process, and not an event.

I keep on getting stuck in my thinking that somehow he now has the ability to do for the replacement what he wasnt able to do for me. (Because of his many years of DBT therapy, but then again I think he wouldnt have left me again out of the blue, right?) Like somehow he's changed.  I read on my replacements facebook page how lucky she feels to have him and this is only after them dating for 2months.  Also only 2.5 months after I saw him and he told me he did not want a divorce and said how messed up he his. (I didnt rescue and just listened and asked what he was going to do.  He said he'd go back to therapy but I see no evidence of this).

I also wonder about the replacement.  How is she different than me, or is she?  Is she a really sweet caring giving person showering him with attention, or is she desperate, insecure, not stable, or just has no clue?  Should I feel sorry for her? 

Have any of you experienced this type of thinking or is it just me?  I know its not healthy to spend too much attention to this and I'm really trying not to, but I have always been a deep thinker and can't help but feel that somehow this helps us get through the steps of getting through until we're in the clear.  Or am I just fooling myself?  Honest answers welcomed! 

[Maternus]

This probably sounds like I still hold a grudge toward her or haven't fully detached yet. And to be honest I haven't but I am working on it everyday. This kind of thinking is probably not healthy for me and I know that, but I just want to know the peoples' input.

Maybe you should look at it this way: You have been in a relationship, you have invested all your love, care and energy into this relationship. You can't switch this feelings off in some weeks or months, because you are an healthy, empathetic human being. What you are going through is normal, don't judge yourself for your emotions.

Your ex is already in a rebound relationship, maybe she is showing all the world how lucky she is, that she moved on, that her life is so much better now. Even if there were no other clues that she is disordered, this would be enough to call her emotionally immature and that she has a lack of empathy for someone, who was once important in her life. A human being, that is capable of real love and true intimacy can't move on so quickly.

[jhkbuzz]

I know her stuff will not go away. I know I did the best I could . U probably did your best too. I think we get these feelings because we feel a sort of inadequecy. I know I do.

I've not really thought about the feelings of inadequacy that have arisen in me post b/u... .and how it's the exact opposite of how I was feeling at the beginning of the r/s.  I wonder if those feelings of inadequacy are what make it so hard to let go.

Not so much "I can't let go because I love her," but more "I can't let go because, if I had just one more chance to give it a try, maybe I could "get it right" and wouldn't have to feel so ___ing inadequate.

What ^ a messed up thought process.

But it's not really a "thought process," is it? My brain knows that there's nothing I can do to heal her disorder.  There's no thinking involved at all in this feeling of inadequacy.

[Deeno02]

I struggle withit. I was made to feel inadequate by her actions. And I allowed it. I thought that my love would fix everything and it didnt. It filled her needs. When that need was all filled up, I was dumped with a "I finally know what I want". Following week, old college buddy of hers taking my place. Its been about 6 months now and Im working with a T to figure out my abandonment issues and why I dont feel good enough for anyone. Its been a struggle, but one thing is clear, she is and will continue to be a miserable person until such time she destroys herself or comes to a realization of her problem. The other thing that is clear is that its not my damn problem.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I know her stuff will not go away. I know I did the best I could . U probably did your best too. I think we get these feelings because we feel a sort of inadequecy. I know I do.

I've not really thought about the feelings of inadequacy that have arisen in me post b/u... .and how it's the exact opposite of how I was feeling at the beginning of the r/s.  I wonder if those feelings of inadequacy are what make it so hard to let go.

Not so much "I can't let go because I love her," but more "I can't let go because, if I had just one more chance to give it a try, maybe I could "get it right" and wouldn't have to feel so ___ing inadequate.

What ^ a messed up thought process.

But it's not really a "thought process," is it? My brain knows that there's nothing I can do to heal her disorder.  There's no thinking involved at all in this feeling of inadequacy.

I vacillate between feeling unlovable (vs inadequate) and deep, deep anger. The unlovable part is definitely my stuff, but the anger comes from being so vilely mistreated by someone who is supposed to have your back. I mean my ex and I discussed such things as what would happen if either were seriously injured and what to do if we were hospitalized. We talked about whether or not to be be cremated or buried, etc. life and death issues, what to do about her kids if she died. I had to promise to fight her exH over him determining their life. There was no reason for me to think we were anything but in it for the long haul. Last New Years (2014) she was telling me that she would eventually tell her oldest child about us.

So me somehow being inadequate doesn't make it for me in our relationship. And I know for a fact that some other guy isn't going to change her and make her this wonderful straight woman. She is a lesbian. She has known it since she was in high school. She's now 46. All she is now is a lesbian lying to some guy who thinks she hung the effing moon. For now.

There is a saying, "a leopard never changes its spots." So it is, so it shall be.

[jhkbuzz]

I know her stuff will not go away. I know I did the best I could . U probably did your best too. I think we get these feelings because we feel a sort of inadequecy. I know I do.

I've not really thought about the feelings of inadequacy that have arisen in me post b/u... .and how it's the exact opposite of how I was feeling at the beginning of the r/s.  I wonder if those feelings of inadequacy are what make it so hard to let go.

Not so much "I can't let go because I love her," but more "I can't let go because, if I had just one more chance to give it a try, maybe I could "get it right" and wouldn't have to feel so ___ing inadequate.

What ^ a messed up thought process.

But it's not really a "thought process," is it? My brain knows that there's nothing I can do to heal her disorder.  There's no thinking involved at all in this feeling of inadequacy.

I vacillate between feeling unlovable (vs inadequate) and deep, deep anger. The unlovable part is definitely my stuff, but the anger comes from being so vilely mistreated by someone who is supposed to have your back. I mean my ex and I discussed such things as what would happen if either were seriously injured and what to do if we were hospitalized. We talked about whether or not to be be cremated or buried, etc. life and death issues, what to do about her kids if she died. I had to promise to fight her exH over him determining their life. There was no reason for me to think we were anything but in it for the long haul. Last New Years (2014) she was telling me that she would eventually tell her oldest child about us.

So me somehow being inadequate doesn't make it for me in our relationship. And I know for a fact that some other guy isn't going to change her and make her this wonderful straight woman. She is a lesbian. She has known it since she was in high school. She's now 46. All she is now is a lesbian lying to some guy who thinks she hung the effing moon. For now.

There is a saying, "a leopard never changes its spots." So it is, so it shall be.

I think there's a lot of overlap between feeling "inadequate" and "unlovable".  Very closely related, I think.

I agree with everything you're saying. I too was 'in it for life.'  She wasn't.  She probably wasn't ever - it was just a lovely fantasy for her in the beginning - until it wasn't.  Until real life rolled in and we had to deal with the ups and downs, the mundane, the compromises, the unromantic 'stuff' of everyday life.  I don't say this with any kind of anger; I just think it's the truth.

But if my brain 'knows' I'm not inadequate, 'knows' there was never any chance that I could "fix" the disorder, 'knows' that I am not any less lovable because of her destructive behaviors - then why am I feeling so damn inadequate?  Like 'who I am' isn't enough?  How come my brain knows better but my heart is still afraid?

(P.S. Can you tell I'm having a rough day?  :'()

[willtimeheal]

I am wrestling with the same feeling. I have been replaced and according to my ex, she is free from all the drama. She makes it out like I was solely at fault. The most hurtful part is that I was so easily replaced and so quickly. I feel like I laid all the groundwork and someone else will benefit. I am trying to listen to everyone's posts in this site and see that it was not me, but her disorder, and that she will not change. Trying to let go of false hopes and fantasies.

I wonder too if she is happy with my replacement. Certain days and events trigger my thoughts and my T says that is normal. What downnout said strikes  chord... .I feel as if the replacement is benefiting from all my ground laying work. I spent six years working through her issues with her. We were suppose to get married and be a family. Standing by her and soothing her anxiety and fears. And then she left me for the replacement. I have no idea if they are still together. All I know is my life is completely different and better now. But I still struggle with those feelings of "what if" and I miss her at times.

She sent me a text before the holidays thanking me for helping her "get to this place" in her life.  A place where she is happy and content. That went straight thru my heart. I felt like I was used for the last six years. That hurt.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I am wrestling with the same feeling. I have been replaced and according to my ex, she is free from all the drama. She makes it out like I was solely at fault. The most hurtful part is that I was so easily replaced and so quickly. I feel like I laid all the groundwork and someone else will benefit. I am trying to listen to everyone's posts in this site and see that it was not me, but her disorder, and that she will not change. Trying to let go of false hopes and fantasies.

I wonder too if she is happy with my replacement. Certain days and events trigger my thoughts and my T says that is normal. What downnout said strikes  chord... .I feel as if the replacement is benefiting from all my ground laying work. I spent six years working through her issues with her. We were suppose to get married and be a family. Standing by her and soothing her anxiety and fears. And then she left me for the replacement. I have no idea if they are still together. All I know is my life is completely different and better now. But I still struggle with those feelings of "what if" and I miss her at times.

She sent me a text before the holidays thanking me for helping her "get to this place" in her life.  A place where she is happy and content. That went straight thru my heart. I felt like I was used for the last six years. That hurt.

So sad that somehow she thinks she is complimenting you, but doesn't see that her words were sheathed in a dagger. I am so sorry you had to hear them. I understand your hurt.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I know her stuff will not go away. I know I did the best I could . U probably did your best too. I think we get these feelings because we feel a sort of inadequecy. I know I do.

I've not really thought about the feelings of inadequacy that have arisen in me post b/u... .and how it's the exact opposite of how I was feeling at the beginning of the r/s.  I wonder if those feelings of inadequacy are what make it so hard to let go.

Not so much "I can't let go because I love her," but more "I can't let go because, if I had just one more chance to give it a try, maybe I could "get it right" and wouldn't have to feel so ___ing inadequate.

What ^ a messed up thought process.

But it's not really a "thought process," is it? My brain knows that there's nothing I can do to heal her disorder.  There's no thinking involved at all in this feeling of inadequacy.

I vacillate between feeling unlovable (vs inadequate) and deep, deep anger. The unlovable part is definitely my stuff, but the anger comes from being so vilely mistreated by someone who is supposed to have your back. I mean my ex and I discussed such things as what would happen if either were seriously injured and what to do if we were hospitalized. We talked about whether or not to be be cremated or buried, etc. life and death issues, what to do about her kids if she died. I had to promise to fight her exH over him determining their life. There was no reason for me to think we were anything but in it for the long haul. Last New Years (2014) she was telling me that she would eventually tell her oldest child about us.

So me somehow being inadequate doesn't make it for me in our relationship. And I know for a fact that some other guy isn't going to change her and make her this wonderful straight woman. She is a lesbian. She has known it since she was in high school. She's now 46. All she is now is a lesbian lying to some guy who thinks she hung the effing moon. For now.

There is a saying, "a leopard never changes its spots." So it is, so it shall be.

I think there's a lot of overlap between feeling "inadequate" and "unlovable".  Very closely related, I think.

I agree with everything you're saying. I too was 'in it for life.'  She wasn't.  She probably wasn't ever - it was just a lovely fantasy for her in the beginning - until it wasn't.  Until real life rolled in and we had to deal with the ups and downs, the mundane, the compromises, the unromantic 'stuff' of everyday life.  I don't say this with any kind of anger; I just think it's the truth.

But if my brain 'knows' I'm not inadequate, 'knows' there was never any chance that I could "fix" the disorder, 'knows' that I am not any less lovable because of her destructive behaviors - then why am I feeling so damn inadequate?  Like 'who I am' isn't enough?  How come my brain knows better but my heart is still afraid?

(P.S. Can you tell I'm having a rough day?  :'()

JHK I never thought she might be disordered until about 3 months after our breakup. Truly her behavior didn't exaggerate until this past April. She is a practicing therapist. And I never knew the word BPD until November. She and I discussed the kids she counseled or I asked her about certain behaviors, etc., but this disorder never came up. As I told my real T, why would I read about psychological profiles, she didn't act crazy, just insecure at times. And there's nothing abnormal about that.

Having said that, I have had the issue of being unlovable for a very long time. I feel pretty accomplished in my life, so I have always felt up to the challenge of most anything. Until now. When you can't see how a life together could be but one way and it becomes something else, it calls into question everything I believe about what is left in my life. I could attain more, but I just don't even care anymore. What does it matter?

It's 6 months today that she ended 9.5 yrs with a type written note in a birthday card. I would never believe I could cry, really sob everyday for 6 months. And I have forced myself to stop crying  in bed at night. I don't like the bags I'm getting. Having said that, I wish you weren't hurting so much. The inadequacy is on her part, not yours.

[Deeno02]

Sorry to keep weighing in on this, but I've heard the same things as well. Her words" your emotionless, incapable of love and unloveable". Those words to me, a guy willing to marry a woman with 5 kids, have scarred me badly. I have never been called that before and I'm so still hurt by it. 6 months later.

[christin5433]

The inadequacy is in the fact I can't fix a disordered person . For me I need to face this fact it's reality. I'm not humanly capable of it. Plus to fix someone to love me is not love that's a lie. Truth is I need to forgive and detach.

[jhkbuzz]

I know her stuff will not go away. I know I did the best I could . U probably did your best too. I think we get these feelings because we feel a sort of inadequecy. I know I do.

I've not really thought about the feelings of inadequacy that have arisen in me post b/u... .and how it's the exact opposite of how I was feeling at the beginning of the r/s.  I wonder if those feelings of inadequacy are what make it so hard to let go.

Not so much "I can't let go because I love her," but more "I can't let go because, if I had just one more chance to give it a try, maybe I could "get it right" and wouldn't have to feel so ___ing inadequate.

What ^ a messed up thought process.

But it's not really a "thought process," is it? My brain knows that there's nothing I can do to heal her disorder.  There's no thinking involved at all in this feeling of inadequacy.

I vacillate between feeling unlovable (vs inadequate) and deep, deep anger. The unlovable part is definitely my stuff, but the anger comes from being so vilely mistreated by someone who is supposed to have your back. I mean my ex and I discussed such things as what would happen if either were seriously injured and what to do if we were hospitalized. We talked about whether or not to be be cremated or buried, etc. life and death issues, what to do about her kids if she died. I had to promise to fight her exH over him determining their life. There was no reason for me to think we were anything but in it for the long haul. Last New Years (2014) she was telling me that she would eventually tell her oldest child about us.

So me somehow being inadequate doesn't make it for me in our relationship. And I know for a fact that some other guy isn't going to change her and make her this wonderful straight woman. She is a lesbian. She has known it since she was in high school. She's now 46. All she is now is a lesbian lying to some guy who thinks she hung the effing moon. For now.

There is a saying, "a leopard never changes its spots." So it is, so it shall be.

I think there's a lot of overlap between feeling "inadequate" and "unlovable".  Very closely related, I think.

I agree with everything you're saying. I too was 'in it for life.'  She wasn't.  She probably wasn't ever - it was just a lovely fantasy for her in the beginning - until it wasn't.  Until real life rolled in and we had to deal with the ups and downs, the mundane, the compromises, the unromantic 'stuff' of everyday life.  I don't say this with any kind of anger; I just think it's the truth.

But if my brain 'knows' I'm not inadequate, 'knows' there was never any chance that I could "fix" the disorder, 'knows' that I am not any less lovable because of her destructive behaviors - then why am I feeling so damn inadequate?  Like 'who I am' isn't enough?  How come my brain knows better but my heart is still afraid?

(P.S. Can you tell I'm having a rough day?  :'()

JHK I never thought she might be disordered until about 3 months after our breakup. Truly her behavior didn't exaggerate until this past April. She is a practicing therapist. And I never knew the word BPD until November. She and I discussed the kids she counseled or I asked her about certain behaviors, etc., but this disorder never came up. As I told my real T, why would I read about psychological profiles, she didn't act crazy, just insecure at times. And there's nothing abnormal about that.

Having said that, I have had the issue of being unlovable for a very long time. I feel pretty accomplished in my life, so I have always felt up to the challenge of most anything. Until now. When you can't see how a life together could be but one way and it becomes something else, it calls into question everything I believe about what is left in my life. I could attain more, but I just don't even care anymore. What does it matter?

It's 6 months today that she ended 9.5 yrs with a type written note in a birthday card. I would never believe I could cry, really sob everyday for 6 months. And I have forced myself to stop crying  in bed at night. I don't like the bags I'm getting. Having said that, I wish you weren't hurting so much. The inadequacy is on her part, not yours.

Thank you for your kind words.  It will be 6 months for me in several days - 8 year r/s, she sent a break up email.  Tough, tough stuff for the both of us.  I figured out the BPD about a month before she moved out.  All the events post b/u simply confirmed it.

You said something:  "When you can't see how a life together could be but one way and it becomes something else, it calls into question everything I believe about what is left in my life."  Yes and YES.  This is the hardest part of all.  This unnerving way that the very ground beneath our feet has shifted and reality itself has been called into question.  It feels like a death - but I am still hoping that something will arise from the ashes... .I think that's the "gift" of a BPD r/s that some people refer to.

[jhkbuzz]

Sorry to keep weighing in on this, but I've heard the same things as well. Her words" your emotionless, incapable of love and unloveable". Those words to me, a guy willing to marry a woman with 5 kids, have scarred me badly. I have never been called that before and I'm so still hurt by it. 6 months later.

Deeno, she was talking about HERSELF.