Big day tomorrow, possible reconciliation after 6 months...

[Infern0]

So my BPDEx has requested to come over tomorrow to discuss the possibility of us getting back together, she asked a few days ago as she is out of town and gets back tomorrow,and has been texting me pretty intensely ever since.

As far as I know she is still officially with my replacement but has been very flirty via text with me for the last month or so and we have had "mini" recycles twice in the past where she's cheated on my replacement with me. She says that the replacement has been sleeping on the couch for the last 6 weeks and they are "together in name only"

I really don't know what to expect for all of this, she has told me she loves me and wants me back, and she seems to be in idealization at the moment, this doesn't seem like a snap decision on her part as she's been "nice" for about 6 weeks now with not one argument between us and she's been dropping hints that she wanted to get back together for about the last month, before straight up saying "i want you back"

Of course I am currently on red alert for any sign of BS on her part, I have my guard up and truth be told i am EXPECTING her to not show up tomorrow, but at the same time I guess I have to prepare for the possibility she will.

It's a tough spot, a big part of me wants to give it another go but I know i'm going to have to enforce heavy boundries and really do things different this time now i know she's BPD. The other part of me feels this is a fools errand and will never work.

I haven't even decided what I want, toss a coin as to giving it another go or not, but I know her and she's likely going to want to move STRAIGHT in with me, in fact if she'd serious about getting back together she'll probably rock up to the meeting tomorrow with her cases packed and in her car boot. Am i ready for that?

Big day, not gonna sleep tonight... .

[SlyQQ]

possiblly might be a good idea toss a coin heads you try tails you dont takesa lot of pressure off

[Infern0]

possiblly might be a good idea toss a coin heads you try

tails you dont takesa lot of pressure off

Yeah I dunno man,  I'm in a weird spot because I really have busted my ass to recover and I have to give myself credit I think I've done a good job,  I'm in the best shape of my life,  I'm grounded,  I'm happy with myself.

I could say no to her,  but I do wonder if I'd regret it,  she was very special to me,  I'm leaning towards giving it a go but being very tentative

[SlyQQ]

I was thinking you were going to go but you shouldnt it was my most likely way to get you not to go it cant end well but you have to think if inbetween is worth it 

[Infern0]

I was thinking you were going to go but you shouldnt

it was my most likely way to get you not to go

it cant end well but you have to think if inbetween

is worth it

That's basically it in a nutshell, chances of it working long term? minimal, perhaps slightly better due to my knowledge and just ability to handle my end better but still... .

Though i'm guarenteed at least a while of fun and good times, is it really a way to look at it, planning my escape route when it all goes tits up?

like i say man, i need to think this through

[SlyQQ]

You will notice the silence from everyone else is pretty deafening

[hope2727]

Inferno,

You deserve better than to be second fiddle. The one she runs to when the other guy doesn't work out.

I would want my ex to be single for 6 months before I would consider seeing him again. Like totally single with no dating no online no flirting with other women and we could see each other (no sex) once a eek or something.

I also would expect weekly counselling and for me to be included at least once a month.

The list goes on and on. Its more than he would be able to do but it would be necessary for me to feel safe with him again.

Just some more food for thought.

[Seriously?]

possiblly might be a good idea toss a coin heads you try

tails you dont takesa lot of pressure off

I could say no to her,  but I do wonder if I'd regret it,  she was very special to me,  I'm leaning towards giving it a go but being very tentative

Would she allow you to be "tentative? " I have been back in contact with my husband for about 2 weeks. I have been tentative,  also. I am already sensing he thinks it is  time to get back to how we were. Modeling healthy boundaries is difficult.  I know it is necessary,  but I find myself not wanting to be tentative either. I kind of want to jump right in even though it is not good or healthy. Please be careful.  Thinking of you and all your efforts to be in a better place... .I believe these relationships wear us out because we are not only protecting ourselves from our SO's unhealthy behavior,  but also from our own. I think of walking down a sidewalk, holding the leashes to two huge dogs.  Each one wants to go it's own way and we are trying to make them both behave.

[NonAverageJoe]

Inferno,

I made an effort to find this thread because I knew there would be another.

My advice to you is to delay this meeting and see how serious she is while simultaneously giving yourself significant space to objectively analyze the entire situation.

[icom]

Inferno,

I made an effort to find this thread because I knew there would be another.

My advice to you is to delay this meeting and see how serious she is while simultaneously giving yourself significant space to objectively analyze the entire situation.

Agreed.

There's no great need to rush into this, and penny to a pound, if you wait a week, her ardour is sure to pass. 

[Infern0]

Ok so she came over for a couple of hours, i'll break it down as best I can.


1. She did apolgise and talk a little bit about her issues, she admitted that she had pushed me away because she was scared, she "wanted me to hate her" because she was scared of her feelings for me.

2. She understands that she hurt me and said she is sorry for hurting me, I then got "i'm such a bad person" etc which I shut it down and told her to stop moralizing.

3. I told her that because of everything that's gone on that if we were to get back together then it would be a slow start, I asked what her current situation is like and she says she is still living with my replacement but that they aren't together although he wants to get back together, she has asked him to move out and he went to his parents for a week but says he needs to live in the flat because it's near work. She is very stressed out by this and doesn't feel like she has a "place to call home" etc.

4. I said that if she has officially 100% broken up with the replacement then I would go on a DATE with her, we can dress up and go out on that level and see what happens. but i will not be jumping into a relationship with her.

5. She said she wants to get counselling or therapy, she knows she is BPD but doesn't "know much about it" arghhh... .she has had suicidal ideation a couple of times in the past couple f months, and left school because of depression. I told her she needs to go to the psych place and ask for DBT, I said if we are dating then I will offer support for her in that and if she stuck to it then i'd trust her more and feel more comfortable but she has to do it for her.

5. She wants a "proper relationship" but is willing to date and take things slow, she said we "missed out" on that fun stage last time because we jumped into things so quick, she also says a lot has happened to both of us s we should get to know each other again.

6. She kissed me, I did respond but I ended it there and said she needs to take care of her business, she says she will, then she left... .

So that's where we are at, I think I did ok, I didn't conceed any power I don't think, I laid out some boundries and bought myself more time to think?

[FoolishMan]

Ok so she came over for a couple of hours, i'll break it down as best I can.


1. She did apolgise and talk a little bit about her issues, she admitted that she had pushed me away because she was scared, she "wanted me to hate her" because she was scared of her feelings for me.

2. She understands that she hurt me and said she is sorry for hurting me, I then got "i'm such a bad person" etc which I shut it down and told her to stop moralizing.

3. I told her that because of everything that's gone on that if we were to get back together then it would be a slow start, I asked what her current situation is like and she says she is still living with my replacement but that they aren't together although he wants to get back together, she has asked him to move out and he went to his parents for a week but says he needs to live in the flat because it's near work. She is very stressed out by this and doesn't feel like she has a "place to call home" etc.

4. I said that if she has officially 100% broken up with the replacement then I would go on a DATE with her, we can dress up and go out on that level and see what happens. but i will not be jumping into a relationship with her.

5. She said she wants to get counselling or therapy, she knows she is BPD but doesn't "know much about it" arghhh... .she has had suicidal ideation a couple of times in the past couple f months, and left school because of depression. I told her she needs to go to the psych place and ask for DBT, I said if we are dating then I will offer support for her in that and if she stuck to it then i'd trust her more and feel more comfortable but she has to do it for her.

5. She wants a "proper relationship" but is willing to date and take things slow, she said we "missed out" on that fun stage last time because we jumped into things so quick, she also says a lot has happened to both of us s we should get to know each other again.

6. She kissed me, I did respond but I ended it there and said she needs to take care of her business, she says she will, then she left... .

So that's where we are at, I think I did ok, I didn't conceed any power I don't think, I laid out some boundries and bought myself more time to think?

How did you feel during the meeting and in the hours leading up to it?

I have up on anger for the new year. It led me to accept her faults and forgive her. She recently broke up with the replacement and has emailed me. As soon as I saw it was her I deleted. I then passed her at the place I eat breakfast next morning. I didn't look. I've had a weird feeling in my stomach and I've been ruminating more. It's rubbish!

That's why I asked, because the thought of actually meeting her and talking is scary.

[husband112]

I understand what you're going through.

I just last week moved into my mom's house to have some space from my uBPDw.

She's going crazy, saying she loves me and wants our marriage to work.

But it's the same thing you're going through.

I want to just run back tonight, but I just don't know if I have the energy to be with her the rest of my life.

Is it worth it? What is it about me that I like about her? Is it real love, what is real love?

After reading about codependency I really wonder what my intentions are about going back.

Right now she's in a stage of complete infatuation, but I know it could turn back.

Is that really a healthy relationship, it feels great, but is it a truly healthy relationship based on the right reasons.

Anyway, that's more about me, but you have to really choose. You're out, is it worth it in the end?

No judgement either way, just make sure you don't get hurt.

Best

[Infern0]

How did you feel during the meeting and in the hours leading up to it?

I have up on anger for the new year. It led me to accept her faults and forgive her. She recently broke up with the replacement and has emailed me. As soon as I saw it was her I deleted. I then passed her at the place I eat breakfast next morning. I didn't look. I've had a weird feeling in my stomach and I've been ruminating more. It's rubbish!

That's why I asked, because the thought of actually meeting her and talking is scary.

Obviously felt quite on edge, more due to the nature of the meeting than anything else, I have seen her several times since the nuclear bomb went off and seeing her doesn't really effect me anymore (we have hooked up a couple times plus had coffee a couple times etc) we have had a tumultuous 6 months where she has never denied still having feelings for me although this was the first serious attempt at a long term reconcile on her part.

To be honest I was expecting her not to show up so when she pulled into the driveway it was like, oh man im not ready for THIS talk... .

[zeus123]

zero contact was the way you were suppose to go but you caved for her demands. cancel meeting and all contact and keep implementing NC rules because it is the only medications against this pathology. trust me there is no other way. i consider a BPD as robot disguised in human flesh because they lack empathy. NC is yhr only weapon in your arsenal if you don't use it you will lose and you will lose huge. good luck... .

[NonAverageJoe]

possiblly might be a good idea toss a coin heads you try

tails you dont takesa lot of pressure off

Yeah I dunno man,  I'm in a weird spot because I really have busted my ass to recover and I have to give myself credit I think I've done a good job,  I'm in the best shape of my life,  I'm grounded,  I'm happy with myself.

I could say no to her,  but I do wonder if I'd regret it,  she was very special to me,  I'm leaning towards giving it a go but being very tentative

She may have never cheated on you that you know of but she cheated with you and she lacks character. BPD or not you can do better.

You would be doing her a favor by letting her hit rock bottom without you.

[fred6]

Infern0,

I know that I'm late to this party. I was going to reply to your other thread, but I got busy and the thread hit the reply limit and was shut down. I don't post as much as I used to, but that's for my own reasons.  

Anyhow Infern0, I think we registered here on the same day back in August and you have been one of my favorite posters here. Some of your posts have been so helpful to me and other members.

Having said that though, I think that you should step back and re evaluate your involvement with your ex. You have worked so hard to build yourself back up. But like me, we are far from where we need to be and there is much more healing to be done. I feel that you may be setting yourself up for a big let down and you will have to go through all of this again. There are so many women out there. You may WANT your ex, but you don't NEED your ex. You can do so much better. We all can!

Do me a favor. If this was my thread and situation. What advice would you give me? Be 100% honest. What would you tell me if I was in your situation? Therein lies your answer. Sometimes(actually most of the time) on this site we give other people helpful advice, but yet we don't follow our own advice. I'm as guilty as anyone  

Ultimately, you own your choices and have to deal with the aftermath. I just don't want to see you go back to that dark place. Whatever happens, we are all here for you regardless of how it works out. Take care, be strong, and be smart.

***Also, please don't take this post the wrong way, there is no disrespect intended. But I think you already know that