Has anyone tried forgiving their EX to move on emotionally ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I personally can't live in all this anger. It's eating at me. I know all of it is unforgivable ... .But how do u detach and find peace? I read about resentment and its like drinking poison and expecting the other to die. I don't know I feel like its necessary ? To forgive. Anyone feel this way?

[christin5433]

I personally can't live in all this anger. It's eating at me. I know all of it is unforgivable ... .But how do u detach and find peace? I read about resentment and its like drinking poison and expecting the other to die. I don't know I feel like its necessary ? To forgive. Anyone feel this way?

[Michelle27]

I am seriously struggling with this too, although my resentments and anger are not to an ex but towards my husband who I am trying to decide if I can continue with the relationship or not.  I even begun counseling for myself a few months ago because the anger and resentments were eating at me, and my counselor used those same words about drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. 

For me, I don't know how to let it go completely, but I want to be able to do it.  I think for me, part of the problem is that while he is working on some things (taking CBT), there are still dysregulations and even if they don't hit "9" on the Richter scale like they used to, but get to a "3" or "4", I get as anxious and stressed about them due to what I only assume is C-PTSD.  It's hard to forgive and move forward when new things I will have to forgive are added regularly.  *sigh*

I suspect radical acceptance is the right path, and I'm working on this but it's not easy.

[Caredverymuch]

I personally can't live in all this anger. It's eating at me. I know all of it is unforgivable ... .But how do u detach and find peace? I read about resentment and its like drinking poison and expecting the other to die. I don't know I feel like its necessary ? To forgive. Anyone feel this way?

Radical acceptance is the right path as another poster stated here. Acceptance that this is serious mental disorder making the sustainment of an intimate r/s extremely difficult if not impossible for some.

I saw two different T's after my expBPD up and abandoned me seemingly overnight. One, specifically, specialized in the treatment of BPD, which is why I sought the advisement.  Both said the very same. There was absolutely nothing I did or could have done to change the outcome. That my ex was a very sick man.

Although I do understand the disorder and more importantly, myself much better now, I do not personally feel forgiveness was the key to moving forward.  Understanding was and is important. Fully forgiving someone who repeated placed me in no win situations while eroding my genuine caring, love, and respect (at least for me)  devalues those very gifts. I needed to hold onto a bit of sense of accountability and lack of full forgiveness to keep my self moving further ahead and farther away from him and his disorder.

[christin5433]

I personally can't live in all this anger. It's eating at me. I know all of it is unforgivable ... .But how do u detach and find peace? I read about resentment and its like drinking poison and expecting the other to die. I don't know I feel like its necessary ? To forgive. Anyone feel this way?

Radical acceptance is the right path as another poster stated here. Acceptance that this is serious mental disorder making the sustainment of an intimate r/s extremely difficult if not impossible for some.

I saw two different T's after my expBPD up and abandoned me seemingly overnight. One, specifically, specialized in the treatment of BPD, which is why I sought the advisement.  Both said the very same. There was absolutely nothing I did or could have done to change the outcome. That my ex was a very sick man.

Although I do understand the disorder and more importantly, myself much better now, I do not personally feel forgiveness was the key to moving forward.  Understanding was and is important. Fully forgiving someone who repeated placed me in no win situations while eroding my genuine caring, love, and respect (at least for me)  devalues those very gifts. I needed to hold onto a bit of sense of accountability and lack of full forgiveness to keep my self moving further ahead and farther away from him and his disorder.

I had same thing it was like overnight abandon! I had a family we had a life. Yes no win conflicts... .I get that we need to understand and I love responses like these that push me into some rationalization of what's not rational. Radical acceptance can u explain more

[Mike-X]

There are lots of things on the Web on forgiving to end your own suffering. 

The Buddha said that, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

www.tinybuddha.com/blog/turning-forgiveness-inside-out-moving-on-from-anger/

[Mike-X]

Although I do understand the disorder and more importantly, myself much better now, I do not personally feel forgiveness was the key to moving forward.  Understanding was and is important. Fully forgiving someone who repeated placed me in no win situations while eroding my genuine caring, love, and respect (at least for me)  devalues those very gifts. I needed to hold onto a bit of sense of accountability and lack of full forgiveness to keep my self moving further ahead and farther away from him and his disorder.

I really appreciate what Caredverymuch shared above. For me things are a little different with forgiveness.

I have forgiven her for the rages, for the devaluing, for the lost money, and for leaving. She is a product of her past, a brutal past that I have never experienced. All of her BPD traits are things she learned from the monsters in her past and things that she adopted to psychologically and physically survive. None of the BPD traits had anything to do with me. I loved her, and my love and her love in return brought on overwhelming anxiety and fear in her. I wish that love wasn't associated with anxiety, fear, and pain for her, but it is.

[HappyNihilist]

I agree with Caredverymuch that radical acceptance is a key to healing. Forgiveness is more of a personal choice.

Radical acceptance is based on very old concepts of suffering - particularly the pain we perpetuate by telling "stories" to ourselves, rather than accepting reality as it is. The basic ideas behind radical acceptance can be found in Buddhism, mindfulness, Stoicism, etc. - as well as cognitive behavioral therapy and DBT.

From Dr. Marsha Linehan (full article here)--

Radical means complete and total.  It's when you accept something from the depths of your soul. When you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body.  It's total and complete.  

When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it. It's when you stop fighting reality.  That's what radical acceptance is.

You may have a lot of sadness. Acceptance often goes with a lot of sadness actually, but even though you've got sadness, there's a feeling like a burden's lifted. Usually if you've accepted, you feel, well, ready to move on with your life. Sort of feel free, ready to move. So that's what it feels like.  

Let's keep going.  Pain is pain. Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance. So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering. Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.

There are three parts to radical acceptance.  The first part is accepting that reality is what it is.  The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause.  The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.  

As far as myself, I do forgive my exBPDbf - although I probably "shouldn't"   - but it doesn't mean that I've excused or forgotten his behavior, or the toll the relationship took on me.

Harder than forgiving my exbf was forgiving myself. I have a tendency to be far, far harder on myself than I'd ever be on others. One thing this relationship forced me to do was be kinder to myself.

Maybe instead of trying to forgive your ex... .you could look at the one person who truly deserves your love, kindness, and forgiveness... .You.  

[christin5433]

I agree with Caredverymuch that radical acceptance is a key to healing. Forgiveness is more of a personal choice.

Radical acceptance is based on very old concepts of suffering - particularly the pain we perpetuate by telling "stories" to ourselves, rather than accepting reality as it is. The basic ideas behind radical acceptance can be found in Buddhism, mindfulness, Stoicism, etc. - as well as cognitive behavioral therapy and DBT.

From Dr. Marsha Linehan (full article here)--

Radical means complete and total.  It's when you accept something from the depths of your soul. When you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body.  It's total and complete.  

When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it. It's when you stop fighting reality.  That's what radical acceptance is.

You may have a lot of sadness. Acceptance often goes with a lot of sadness actually, but even though you've got sadness, there's a feeling like a burden's lifted. Usually if you've accepted, you feel, well, ready to move on with your life. Sort of feel free, ready to move. So that's what it feels like.  

Let's keep going.  Pain is pain. Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance. So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering. Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.

There are three parts to radical acceptance.  The first part is accepting that reality is what it is.  The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause.  The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.  

As far as myself, I do forgive my exBPDbf - although I probably "shouldn't"   - but it doesn't mean that I've excused or forgotten his behavior, or the toll the relationship took on me.

Harder than forgiving my exbf was forgiving myself. I have a tendency to be far, far harder on myself than I'd ever be on others. One thing this relationship forced me to do was be kinder to myself.

Maybe instead of trying to forgive your ex... .you could look at the one person who truly deserves your love, kindness, and forgiveness... .You.  

I love your last line. That was exactly what I need to do is love , forgive and be kind to myself. I think to honest I have forgotten how ... .I really appreciate that info on radical acceptance. It is what I'm so trying to do I can't stand being in this fantasy state ... , its automatic . That's why I figured forgiveness might help if I just forgive her I can forgive myself.

Great stuff all this I know it's over but I can't stop some of these thoughts of her w another, whether she cares , is this gonna ever have closure? Plus I sometimes get filled w so much anger I just think what kind of joke of a life did I build my life and family w?

Well this radical acceptance might help jolt me into a more definite space of its over.

[Michelle27]

I totally understand the anger towards myself.  I am working on this now.  Most of my own anger is related to why I put up with what I did for so long and didn't value myself enough to remove myself from such a toxic situation.  I held onto crazy amounts of resentment and anger, and with a counselor, I'm in the process of learning how to release that because all it's doing is hurting me.  I need to build up my own self esteem and sense of worthiness as well as accept that I did the best I could have under the circumstances and that going forward, I can take the knowledge I now have and respond better to his behavior.  It's not an easy process but I need to get there for my own inner peace. 

[christin5433]

Hi Michele,

I like the radical acceptance thing I've been doing some research on this, because of the insanity of the aftermath. My hanging on to moments of good was becoming less and less and I believe it's messed me up big time now that I was discarded and told I was toxic. It's just plain unbelievably so crazy that u take care of these people cook clean listen when they are in need go places to help them take care of the kids. Do things constantly trying to improve the home life and then there gone and blame u?

I am needing to recover myself now and I know I'm on the right track it just feels like I'm stuck sometimes in anger and my own stupidity ... .I'm sure I will forgive myself and learn to care for myself ... .I'm trying , be careful this abuse continues in urself when it's over. It's best to know you did one act to stand up for urself . I did in the end and we were ruined the moment I stood my ground. But at least now I Have that mentally to lean on for my own sanity

[Mustbeabetterway]

For me, I think my s/o does not understand how the verbal abuse makes me feel. I think if i had made a definite decision to leave that forgiveness would be easier.  Staying and trying to work things out is making me more resentful I believe. 

[propunchingbag]

For me, I think my s/o does not understand how the verbal abuse makes me feel. I think if i had made a definite decision to leave that forgiveness would be easier.  Staying and trying to work things out is making me more resentful I believe. 

You are still flying through the FOG! (Fear Obligation Guilt)

Its hard to stay because you know that it will never change. But you do stay out of FOG.

Forgiveness can happen but not while you are constantly being bombarded with new reasons to be angry.

[christin5433]

For me, I think my s/o does not understand how the verbal abuse makes me feel. I think if i had made a definite decision to leave that forgiveness would be easier.  Staying and trying to work things out is making me more resentful I believe. 

You are still flying through the FOG! (Fear Obligation Guilt)

Its hard to stay because you know that it will never change. But you do stay out of FOG.

Forgiveness can happen but not while you are constantly being bombarded with new reasons to be angry.

Agree I didn't see until I let it go ... .It happened all my fears became a reality now nothing to fear but getting my life back that's gonna happen

[Panda39]

Forgiveness can happen but not while you are constantly being bombarded with new reasons to be angry.

Above is where my SO is with his uBPDxw they share children so her abuse unfortunately continues through them and even when the relationship is completely over it can take some time and space put between you and that relationship/person before you are ready for forgiveness.

I think radical acceptance is also a piece of forgiveness.

I also think loving yourself (below) is a piece fo forgiveness.

Maybe instead of trying to forgive your ex... .you could look at the one person who truly deserves your love, kindness, and forgiveness... .You.   

This is my story from another thread on forgiveness.  If you want to read that thread here is a link... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236559.0

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

I think the above is accurate.  For a very long time I couldn't understand "forgiveness" you hear it in the news all the time... .I forgive the murderer who killed my child... .I forgive the thief that stole from me... .  I could never understand how or even why someone would forgive in situations like that.  Murder is wrong, stealing is wrong.  As someone said earlier I was confusing condoning with forgiving.

At 47 Years old I learned the meaning of forgiveness by giving it.

As a 16 year old I fell in love, this young man and I grew up together, continued our relationship through college (separate locations), continued our relationship into our mid 20's we were together almost 10 years.  He was the love of my life and the man I wanted to marry and expected to marry.

Then he cheated the one "unforgivable" thing he could do to me and he knew it. I kicked him out of my house and didn't see him again.  For at least a year I suffered a broken heart and stuffed all my feelings for him. Who wanted to hear about it?  Who would I tell because the love of my life was also my best friend.

This one event I believe changed the course of my life for 19 years.  About a year and 1/2 after our break up I met someone else in June, began dating in July and finally got engaged in August.  He was my rebound man and I married him simply because he asked, I was 26 and not getting any younger!  Turns out I married an alcoholic but I stayed in my marriage... .you guessed it I was a co-dependent enabler.

But the biggest part in my making all of these decisions was I had Zero self esteem I allowed the break up from that early relationship to crush my self esteem utterly & love? what's love? Can't trust love! I made a series of bad decisions that finally led to depression.

About 17 years into my marriage I started climbing back up the depression hole... .started doing some things for me, for my health and for my soul. 

One of many things I did was reach out to family & friends.  I had the contact information on that young man from so many years ago and I called him.  We talked about the usual things our jobs our families etc.  Then somewhere in this conversation he told me what I had meant to him all of those years ago, that he wouldn't be the man he was without me, that he had loved me.  I felt like the grinch who's heart grew 3 times that day.  His comments triggered a year long breakdown and breakthroughs.  I always knew that I loved him but I stuffed it and in letting the love out right on it's heels followed hurt, anger, grief and disappointment all things I wasn't even conscious of feeling. 

At this time I had a dream with him and I in it just hanging out talking about old times.  I woke up and knew that if I wanted to have any type of friendship with him I would need to forgive him for hurting me so long ago.  I honestly, truely from the bottom of my heart forgave him. I thought I was forgiving him for him but something I didn't expect happened.  In forgiving him I freed myself from all the pain I carried around for years.  In forgiving him I was finally no longer stuck in the past.  In forgiving him I reclaimed myself worth.  In forgiving him I came to understand the abandonment I felt.  In forgiving him I realized our break up wasn't my fault.

In 2009 I dropped enough baggage to fill a storage container!   

I finally left my marriage and that turned out to be the best thing for all of us my son, my ex and me.  My son who was living with an alcoholic dad and depressed mom was now living with a health happy mom who was modeling a healthy life.  My ex had his 3rd DUI following our divorce, lost his job, driver's license and his retirement (for lawyer and court fees).  He hit rock bottom (no co-dependent enabler there to "manage" him any more).  He finally understood he is an alcoholic and has been sober the last 3 years.  Now my son can also be proud of his dad too.

I will always love that young man from my past both in spite of the things he's done and because of the things he's done.  I'm proud of my ex too for making changes and good choices.  What I'm most happy about is that I am free of them both and have a healed heart, a healed self image, healed capacity to trust, and the ability to love fully.

I have since met a lovely man that I'm crazy about, who is a partner to me, who is supportive, and caring.  I finally recognize and have the love I deserve.  Now if we could only do something about his uBPDxw   

[Samuel S.]

I too have a majorly difficult time forgiving my BPDw for all of the past and yes even the current abusive things that she has said and done to me and to my side of the family. I too have seen a counselor who said that to hope that she will apologize will not happen. It is thus my challenge to try to forgive the abuse and stay with her, or I need to make some changes; namely, to leave. My counselor said that she is incapable to forgive. She just glosses it over, moves on, rationalizes it so much that she forgets, until she wants to be abusive again. My counselor told me she is sick and that I am the healthy one.

All of us nonBPDs need to make some choices as to how to deal with the abuse that we have been putting up with and suffering. We can stay and defend and argue to the best of our ability to hopefully make a change with our SO; however, the true and permanent change from doing this is slim to none. We can try to convince our SO to get into counseling ideally with us, but I have tried to do so to no avail. She says she has too many things to work on, which is a nice and convenient way of saying "hell, no". We can stay and just take it and continue hurting which is where I am at. Otherwise, we just plan to get out.

[OnceConfused]

Anger if directed in the right direction is very beneficial. For example, the MADD program came about because of a mother's anger toward the drunk that killed her daughter. So try not to sweep anger under the rug and hope it will dissolve.

I think you can direct your anger toward self growth.

1. Get angry at yourself for not doing something about BPD. Now go out and get help or study how you will not let yourself be in the same boat again. That is how you want to use anger to drive you to be a better person, to not be in the situation again ever. That is way better than trying to forgive BPD and be back to the same predicament again.

2. You can learn to forgive their trespasses against you, but don't forget. Initially, you are angry that a flame can burn you but you don't have to get angry forever at every single sight of fire, but you should know to stay away from fire.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I too have a majorly difficult time forgiving my BPDw for all of the past and yes even the current abusive things that she has said and done to me and to my side of the family. I too have seen a counselor who said that to hope that she will apologize will not happen. It is thus my challenge to try to forgive the abuse and stay with her, or I need to make some changes; namely, to leave. My counselor said that she is incapable to forgive. She just glosses it over, moves on, rationalizes it so much that she forgets, until she wants to be abusive again. My counselor told me she is sick and that I am the healthy one.

All of us nonBPDs need to make some choices as to how to deal with the abuse that we have been putting up with and suffering. We can stay and defend and argue to the best of our ability to hopefully make a change with our SO; however, the true and permanent change from doing this is slim to none. We can try to convince our SO to get into counseling ideally with us, but I have tried to do so to no avail. She says she has too many things to work on, which is a nice and convenient way of saying "hell, no". We can stay and just take it and continue hurting which is where I am at. Otherwise, we just plan to get out.

I can identify with all you have said.  I am continuing to stay and continuing to hurt.  But, have been practicing changing myself, because heaven knows I would have changed him by now if I could! Lol.  Surprisingly, changing myself has brought me more peace and less hurt. 

[christin5433]

Forgiveness can happen but not while you are constantly being bombarded with new reasons to be angry.

Above is where my SO is with his uBPDxw they share children so her abuse unfortunately continues through them and even when the relationship is completely over it can take some time and space put between you and that relationship/person before you are ready for forgiveness.

I think radical acceptance is also a piece of forgiveness.

I also think loving yourself (below) is a piece fo forgiveness.

Maybe instead of trying to forgive your ex... .you could look at the one person who truly deserves your love, kindness, and forgiveness... .You.   

This is my story from another thread on forgiveness.  If you want to read that thread here is a link... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236559.0

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

I think the above is accurate.  For a very long time I couldn't understand "forgiveness" you hear it in the news all the time... .I forgive the murderer who killed my child... .I forgive the thief that stole from me... .  I could never understand how or even why someone would forgive in situations like that.  Murder is wrong, stealing is wrong.  As someone said earlier I was confusing condoning with forgiving.

At 47 Years old I learned the meaning of forgiveness by giving it.

As a 16 year old I fell in love, this young man and I grew up together, continued our relationship through college (separate locations), continued our relationship into our mid 20's we were together almost 10 years.  He was the love of my life and the man I wanted to marry and expected to marry.

Then he cheated the one "unforgivable" thing he could do to me and he knew it. I kicked him out of my house and didn't see him again.  For at least a year I suffered a broken heart and stuffed all my feelings for him. Who wanted to hear about it?  Who would I tell because the love of my life was also my best friend.

This one event I believe changed the course of my life for 19 years.  About a year and 1/2 after our break up I met someone else in June, began dating in July and finally got engaged in August.  He was my rebound man and I married him simply because he asked, I was 26 and not getting any younger!  Turns out I married an alcoholic but I stayed in my marriage... .you guessed it I was a co-dependent enabler.

But the biggest part in my making all of these decisions was I had Zero self esteem I allowed the break up from that early relationship to crush my self esteem utterly & love? what's love? Can't trust love! I made a series of bad decisions that finally led to depression.

About 17 years into my marriage I started climbing back up the depression hole... .started doing some things for me, for my health and for my soul. 

One of many things I did was reach out to family & friends.  I had the contact information on that young man from so many years ago and I called him.  We talked about the usual things our jobs our families etc.  Then somewhere in this conversation he told me what I had meant to him all of those years ago, that he wouldn't be the man he was without me, that he had loved me.  I felt like the grinch who's heart grew 3 times that day.  His comments triggered a year long breakdown and breakthroughs.  I always knew that I loved him but I stuffed it and in letting the love out right on it's heels followed hurt, anger, grief and disappointment all things I wasn't even conscious of feeling. 

At this time I had a dream with him and I in it just hanging out talking about old times.  I woke up and knew that if I wanted to have any type of friendship with him I would need to forgive him for hurting me so long ago.  I honestly, truely from the bottom of my heart forgave him. I thought I was forgiving him for him but something I didn't expect happened.  In forgiving him I freed myself from all the pain I carried around for years.  In forgiving him I was finally no longer stuck in the past.  In forgiving him I reclaimed myself worth.  In forgiving him I came to understand the abandonment I felt.  In forgiving him I realized our break up wasn't my fault.

In 2009 I dropped enough baggage to fill a storage container!   

I finally left my marriage and that turned out to be the best thing for all of us my son, my ex and me.  My son who was living with an alcoholic dad and depressed mom was now living with a health happy mom who was modeling a healthy life.  My ex had his 3rd DUI following our divorce, lost his job, driver's license and his retirement (for lawyer and court fees).  He hit rock bottom (no co-dependent enabler there to "manage" him any more).  He finally understood he is an alcoholic and has been sober the last 3 years.  Now my son can also be proud of his dad too.

I will always love that young man from my past both in spite of the things he's done and because of the things he's done.  I'm proud of my ex too for making changes and good choices.  What I'm most happy about is that I am free of them both and have a healed heart, a healed self image, healed capacity to trust, and the ability to love fully.

I have since met a lovely man that I'm crazy about, who is a partner to me, who is supportive, and caring.  I finally recognize and have the love I deserve.  Now if we could only do something about his uBPDxw   

What a inspiring story. It's the truth to get to that place of forgiveness ... .Which takes willingness and a change in ones inner being. It is a freedom to let go of the wrongs that we carry w us. I think it's a process and I hope I get there. I guess I will know by my feelings. I am following a spiritual path right now and it's helping me.

[Panda39]

It's the truth to get to that place of forgiveness ... .Which takes willingness and a change in ones inner being. It is a freedom to let go of the wrongs that we carry w us. I think it's a process and I hope I get there. I guess I will know by my feelings. I am following a spiritual path right now and it's helping me.

I hope you get there too just keep following the path you're on... .keep reaching out for it.  I'm sure it will happen sooner for you than the 47 years it took me to understand it   because you are already way ahead of me by seeking it out.

[christin5433]

It's the truth to get to that place of forgiveness ... .Which takes willingness and a change in ones inner being. It is a freedom to let go of the wrongs that we carry w us. I think it's a process and I hope I get there. I guess I will know by my feelings. I am following a spiritual path right now and it's helping me.

I hope you get there too just keep following the path you're on... .keep reaching out for it.  I'm sure it will happen sooner for you than the 47 years it took me to understand it   because you are already way ahead of me by seeking it out.

I actually pray daily for her and others ( the smear group) I know in my heart I will live in hate and anger plus fear if I don't let it go and know that we all are human . I'm not religious but I believe in changing my thoughts by giving those that hurt and tried to harm me and my life to that of first acceptance of what happened ( which a disordered persons actions can be quite shocking so I need to recognize this is a very disturbed persons actions) then forgive them eventually by being willing to pray for them and there well to do and in turn I get free from this bondage of pain, guilt, and shame. I can walk in my life a free person by not carrying that w me. It's what I'm doing even though I'm still feeling all kinds of stuff even at times sick to my stomach at what's happen to me. It's stuff I have read and believe. I am the type of person and I recognize it that anger has been my downfall I have been stuck in it and its done nothing for me but make me a angry person

[Grey Kitty]

I personally can't live in all this anger. It's eating at me. I know all of it is unforgivable ... .But how do u detach and find peace? I read about resentment and its like drinking poison and expecting the other to die. I don't know I feel like its necessary ? To forgive. Anyone feel this way?

I've taken a path of mindfulness toward forgiveness. My suggestion from that route to try to sit with the anger--not doing anything, just experiencing it. If you can cultivate some genuine curiosity about what this ANGER thing actually is, that is a great starting place. The really funny thing is that if you are successful at being with the anger, you may find it going away just as you are starting to see exactly what it is!

Fully forgiving someone who repeated placed me in no win situations while eroding my genuine caring, love, and respect (at least for me)  devalues those very gifts. I needed to hold onto a bit of sense of accountability and lack of full forgiveness to keep my self moving further ahead and farther away from him and his disorder.

Forgiveness and accountability are not actually opposites. Just because you forgive what was done to you doesn't mean you need to expose yourself to it again.

For example, I've forgiven my wife for cheating. (And ultimately that isn't why our marriage is ending. If she was willing to do the work she would have to do to open up and come back, I would probably still accept her.)

I'm not sure I've forgiven the guy who she cheated with. I don't believe he is trustworthy in any way, and want nothing to do with him. I'm pretty sure that isn't going to change even if I forgive him--his actions are too far away from my standard of ethical behavior.

Despite forgiving my wife, I'm not able to accept or trust her being friends with the guy. Or at least I wasn't in the context of being married, which seems to be done.

[Caredverymuch]

I too have a majorly difficult time forgiving my BPDw for all of the past and yes even the current abusive things that she has said and done to me and to my side of the family. I too have seen a counselor who said that to hope that she will apologize will not happen. It is thus my challenge to try to forgive the abuse and stay with her, or I need to make some changes; namely, to leave. My counselor said that she is incapable to forgive. She just glosses it over, moves on, rationalizes it so much that she forgets, until she wants to be abusive again. My counselor told me she is sick and that I am the healthy one.

All of us nonBPDs need to make some choices as to how to deal with the abuse that we have been putting up with and suffering. We can stay and defend and argue to the best of our ability to hopefully make a change with our SO; however, the true and permanent change from doing this is slim to none. We can try to convince our SO to get into counseling ideally with us, but I have tried to do so to no avail. She says she has too many things to work on, which is a nice and convenient way of saying "hell, no". We can stay and just take it and continue hurting which is where I am at. Otherwise, we just plan to get out.

I can identify with all you have said.  I am continuing to stay and continuing to hurt.  But, have been practicing changing myself, because heaven knows I would have changed him by now if I could! Lol.  Surprisingly, changing myself has brought me more peace and less hurt. 

Sending you   and support Mustbeabetterway.  Many of us would have tried to stay given the chance. Our circumstances all vary. So happy you have found more peace and less hurt.

[christin5433]

Thanks Grey kitty,

I think I fear anger ... .In my life I had a undertoe of anger in me and I'm sure this b/u has triggered me back into that zone. I've been choosing to do what I can to find some spiritual way out of anger. I do sit w it I do identify it the problem I seem to have it internalizes in me and I beat myself up do you get it. Then the world looks Grimm and I look at things w a pissed off state of mind. I'm fearful of too much anger. So I search for a peaceful way to get through this.

I feel ALL the grief stuff denial , anger , bargaining , depression , and some acceptance but when the acceptance kicks in I get mad inside because I was done so wrong soo wrong just like us all. But I also notice I am feeling better too lately. So yes I heard when you experience a feeling you identify it and let it pass as if a wave. The part I don't like is the lingering feeling. How did you feel better or do you feel better ?

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, those feelings pass. And no, you don't like them. That's not going to happen.

You can accept that they are there, and perhaps appreciate that they are telling you something important. But it won't make you like them.

If you allow yourself to experience the anger, it will pass. It may come again, and it will pass again too.

Really, you have very few choices what to do with your anger. You can feel it. You can stuff it and avoid it. (If you do, it will be back... .probably bigger!). You can get lost in it and act it out, often in destructive ways to any people around you.

And after you feel it, it is POWERFUL. You can direct that energy, and accomplish things with that energy. (One woman I knew became aware of her monthly scheduled irritability. She realized that she knew it was coming and could pick something that was bugging her but she didn't quite have the energy to address... .and USE that force to get it something done. Sadly, just after she figured this out she went through menopause and lost it!)

I think you can guess where I'm going here... .experiencing it works the best for you.

How did I feel better? Personally I have been feeling much more sadness and loss than anger. It comes and goes. I'm doing what I can to take care of myself. Finding more peace and joy, at least with friends and projects I'm accomplishing. I'm letting myself feel a lot more, both positive and negative. It isn't easy, but it sure is better.

[apollotech]

I personally can't live in all this anger. It's eating at me. I know all of it is unforgivable ... .But how do u detach and find peace? I read about resentment and its like drinking poison and expecting the other to die. I don't know I feel like its necessary ? To forgive. Anyone feel this way?

christin5433,

Hello, I am sure that you have heard this over and over again... .move forward, work on yourself, etc. That's all good advice. IMHO, I don't believe that you can accomplish those tasks until you have forgiven your SO.

For me, forgiveness came when I ACCEPTED that my BPDexgf had a mental disorder. Acceptance of something is a whole lot different than understanding/knowing something. When you accept something then it is behind you; at that point, the only direction is forward. You are no longer mired in doubt, anger, questions, etc. All of those things can become very toxic in large, unending doses.

You forgiving your SO is as much for you as it is for them, possibly more so. It frees you! You regain control! When you forgive it is no longer about them and what you lost; it is about you and what you'll gain. As a healty, mature, caring, loving adult, you don't need to punish them or yourself. Their disorder is it's own punishment.

Educate yourself so that you understand their BPD disorder (their behavior/actions were/are a product of their disorder and not a personal affront directed at you specifically); accept them as a person suffering from BPD; forgive them because they didn't ask to be broken nor do they understand that they are broken.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Caredverymuch,  thanks for the hugs and support.  I personally am so much healthier than i was when I first posted.  I like to think of my husband's rage that drove me to separate from him for a month as a "cosmic push".   Even though it was painful and caused a lot of upheaval, it made me see that change was essential.  I had been reading about BPD and finally after decades of marriage, realized that i had to change. 

I am a person who likes routine, I am tolerant and patient.  Change is difficult for me.  I just kept hoping and wishing that he would change into the person I wanted him to be!  Crazy and laughable now. 

On my desk at work I have a big sign that says "Be the change you want to see in the world".  Of course when I bought it, i was thinking more in terms of recycling paper and plastiic, random acts of kindness, etc.  Duh... .it took all out rage and anger to finally wake me up and apply that to my relationship.

I found that I had not been taking responsibility for myself in the r/s.  outwardly, i seemed very strong, but inwardly, i was afraid to let go of the r/s.  afraid to make waves, afraid to be without him.  Finally, i faced my own fears and found that in letting go, I could have a r/s that actually meets my own needs.

So,I think I can forgive him.  I need to forgive myself too for accepting bad behavior, for being afraid when I should have stood up for myself. 

Trying to take care of myself.  Finding a way to forgive myself and him.

[apollotech]

Wow, there is a lot of anger, resentment, hatred, hurt, etc. being expressed in this thread... .and that's understandable. We, us Non's, have been through the ringer. I feel for all of you, my brothers and sisters that unknowingly got swept into BPD chaos, myself included.

As I stated above in another post, Forgiveness is as beneficial to the Forgiver as it is for the Forgiven. You control--who, when, why-- when you choose to forgive someone. It is an empowering act/gesture that you give, you control. It tells the transgressor that you have moved beyond them and their transgression against you. They, nor their transgression, no longer have/has control in YOUR life. Forgiveness is an impenetrable shield. It takes all power away from the transgressor.

The Forgiver is also freed from anger, hurt, resentment, etc. in the Forgiving process, if it is true Forgiveness from the heart and soul. It is an act of self-love. Forgiveness is not an act of denial and forgetting: it is an act of recognition and knowing.

[Panda39]

As I stated above in another post, Forgiveness is as beneficial to the Forgiver as it is for the Forgiven. You control--who, when, why-- when you choose to forgive someone. It is an empowering act/gesture that you give, you control. It tells the transgressor that you have moved beyond them and their transgression against you. They, nor their transgression, no longer have/has control in YOUR life. Forgiveness is an impenetrable shield. It takes all power away from the transgressor.

Articulate... .beautifully said 

[christin5433]

Wow, there is a lot of anger, resentment, hatred, hurt, etc. being expressed in this thread... .and that's understandable. We, us Non's, have been through the ringer. I feel for all of you, my brothers and sisters that unknowingly got swept into BPD chaos, myself included.

As I stated above in another post, Forgiveness is as beneficial to the Forgiver as it is for the Forgiven. You control--who, when, why-- when you choose to forgive someone. It is an empowering act/gesture that you give, you control. It tells the transgressor that you have moved beyond them and their transgression against you. They, nor their transgression, no longer have/has control in YOUR life. Forgiveness is an impenetrable shield. It takes all power away from the transgressor.

The Forgiver is also freed from anger, hurt, resentment, etc. in the Forgiving process, if it is true Forgiveness from the heart and soul. It is an act of self-love. Forgiveness is not an act of denial and forgetting: it is an act of recognition and knowing.

  Hi can I ask about you? You seem very intuitive? I have been on a daily road of forgiveness ITS not worth being a angry, resentful, jealous, bitter, vindictive person. My ex's ex husband resented me with every cell never could smile, never could try to hold a kind conversation, always tried to trigger my ex which wasn't hard, ( I mean his tactics were remedial and shed bite every time unless I gave her a huge lecture), I mean most people would see thru such stupid stuff like... .an ex trying to bad mouth new partner ... .not her she question is he right?, or WOW he said this, Just like are you serious you dont just see he is trying to play you... .anyway that must be the toddler thing emotionally.

I pray I forgive I pray I forgive... .Im not even as mad as I was. In fact I wish them all well. Im in a better place and I will continue to be the person I am not WHO I was projected as by her, her ex, her ex friends. This is ALL a mentally twisted situation I was in and now Im not.

[christin5433]

Forgiveness can change your life.

[/b]

Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past, or forget what has happened. It doesn’t even mean the other person will change his behavior — you cannot control that. All it means is that you are letting go of the anger and pain, and moving on to a better place.

It’s not easy. But you can learn to do it.

If you’re holding onto pain, reliving it, and can’t let go and forgive, read on for some things I’ve learned.

1. Commit to letting go[/color]. You aren’t going to do it in a second or maybe not even in a day. It can take time to get over something. So commit to changing, because you recognize that the pain is hurting you.

2. think about the pros and cons. What problems does this pain cause you? Does it affect your relationship with this person? With others? Does it affect work or family? Does it stop you from pursuing your dreams, or becoming a better person? Does it cause you unhappiness? Think of all these problems, and realize you need to change. Then think of the benefits of forgiveness — how it will make you happier, free you from the past and the pain, improve things with your relationships and life in general.

3. Realize you have a choice. You cannot control the actions of others, and shouldn’t try. But you can control not only your actions, but your thoughts. You can stop reliving the hurt, and can choose to move on. You have this power. You just need to learn how to exercise it.

4. Empathize. Try this: put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to understand why the person did what he did. Start from the assumption that the person isn’t a bad person, but just did something wrong. What could he have been thinking, what could have happened to him in the past to make him do what he did? What could he have felt as he did it, and what did he feel afterward? How does he feel now? You aren’t saying what he did is right, but are instead trying to understand and empathize.

5. Understand your responsibility. Try to figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what happened. What could you have done to prevent it, and how can you prevent it from happening next time? This isn’t to say you’re taking all the blame, or taking responsibility away from the other person, but to realize that we are not victims but participants in life.

6. Focus on the present. Now that you’ve reflected on the past, realize that the past is over. It isn’t happening anymore, except in your mind. And that causes problems — unhappiness and stress. Instead, bring your focus back to the present moment. What are you doing now? What joy can you find in what is happening right now? Find the joy in life now, as it happens, and stop reliving the past. Btw, you will inevitably start thinking about the past, but just acknowledge that, and gently bring yourself back to the present moment.

7. Allow peace to enter your life. As you focus on the present, try focusing on your breathing. Imagine each breath going out is the pain and the past, being released from your body and mind. And imagine each breath coming in is peace, entering you and filling you up. Release the pain and the past. Let peace enter your life. And go forward, thinking no longer of the past, but of peace and the present.

8. Feel compassioin. Fnally, forgive the person and realize that in forgiveness, you are allowing yourself to be happy and move on. Feel empathy for the person and wish happiness on them. Let love for them, and life in general, grow in your heart. It may take time, but if you’re stuck on this point, repeat some of the ones above until you can get here.