Is hoping an ex is always a supply a given with BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a question and maybe someone here may have an idea. My uBPDexgf hated her exH, and I mean hated him. She told me she only married him because it was what she was supposed to do. She gave me quite a bit of info on their relationship and I started seeing her about 6 mos after their 10 yr marriage ended. We never experienced the same kinds of things she said they went thru: fighting, arguing, him not wanting to be intimate with her, any number of other things. She even told me over the course of the 9.5 yrs we were together (and her having been divorced from him for 10 yrs) that if they had remained married he would be dead and she would be in jail. And also if they did not have children together she would never speak to him again. Her exH remarried about 4 yrs ago.

The interesting thing is that her intense hatred for him is flipped in my way of thinking. I think she should have despised him more after they initially divorced and that intensity lessened over 10 yrs. Granted the last 2.5 yrs they were fighting a custody battle, but they could have both done more to end it sooner. Instead she hated him more and more over the 10 yrs, even though I know for a fact she wasn't in love with him.

My question is why would he be the one who seems to have set off her crashing ego. She didn't want to be back with him so the idea that he was a "supply" for her that she could go back to at some point makes absolutely no sense. She did say they were very competitive with one another. And when he and his ex bought a new home she got incredibly depressed. She had a nice home, not a new home, but a nice home. We had been together almost 6 yrs and she had never expressed unhappiness.

He pretty much won the custody case last year in that he didn't have to pay increased child support and did get more visitation. And that's when she totally flipped and decided to go back into the closet and live her life as a straight person again. She had a well paying job. I have plenty of money, and yet somehow the money or the loss or the judges' ruling triggered her into ending our relationship.

Any ideas why this aspect of BPD where the uBPD hates her ex, wants nothing to do with him, certainly wouldn't go back with him and yet he sets her off to the point that she would leave another relationship. I mean it's not like he's going to be jealous she's got a "new" man. He's remarried and I'm sure could care less about her relationships except for how it affects his children.  I'm pretty sure him seeing her with a man after 10 yrs when she lost last year is quite a surprise to him. He knew I existed and may have suspected our relationship, but never challenged her about it, nor was it an issue or brought up during the custody battle. Thoughts?

[ShadowIntheNight]

I have a question and maybe someone here may have an idea. My uBPDexgf hated her exH, and I mean hated him. She told me she only married him because it was what she was supposed to do. She gave me quite a bit of info on their relationship and I started seeing her about 6 mos after their 10 yr marriage ended. We never experienced the same kinds of things she said they went thru: fighting, arguing, him not wanting to be intimate with her, any number of other things. She even told me over the course of the 9.5 yrs we were together (and her having been divorced from him for 10 yrs) that if they had remained married he would be dead and she would be in jail. And also if they did not have children together she would never speak to him again. Her exH remarried about 4 yrs ago.

The interesting thing is that her intense hatred for him is flipped in my way of thinking. I think she should have despised him more after they initially divorced and that intensity lessened over 10 yrs. Granted the last 2.5 yrs they were fighting a custody battle, but they could have both done more to end it sooner. Instead she hated him more and more over the 10 yrs, even though I know for a fact she wasn't in love with him.

My question is why would he be the one who seems to have set off her crashing ego. She didn't want to be back with him so the idea that he was a "supply" for her that she could go back to at some point makes absolutely no sense. She did say they were very competitive with one another. And when he and his ex bought a new home she got incredibly depressed. She had a nice home, not a new home, but a nice home. We had been together almost 6 yrs and she had never expressed unhappiness.

He pretty much won the custody case last year in that he didn't have to pay increased child support and did get more visitation. And that's when she totally flipped and decided to go back into the closet and live her life as a straight person again. She had a well paying job. I have plenty of money, and yet somehow the money or the loss or the judges' ruling triggered her into ending our relationship.

Any ideas why this aspect of BPD where the uBPD hates her ex, wants nothing to do with him, certainly wouldn't go back with him and yet he sets her off to the point that she would leave another relationship. I mean it's not like he's going to be jealous she's got a "new" man. He's remarried and I'm sure could care less about her relationships except for how it affects his children.  I'm pretty sure him seeing her with a man after 10 yrs when she lost last year is quite a surprise to him. He knew I existed and may have suspected our relationship, but never challenged her about it, nor was it an issue or brought up during the custody battle. Thoughts?

[HappyNihilist]

  Shadow, you've been through the wringer - I'm so sorry. It's devastating to be left behind, trying to pick up the pieces and understand.

He pretty much won the custody case last year in that he didn't have to pay increased child support and did get more visitation. And that's when she totally flipped and decided to go back into the closet and live her life as a straight person again.

Losing the court case was, I'm sure, very stressful for your exgf. Even if she didn't need any extra money, the fact that she "lost" to this person whom she says she hates and is obviously in competition with (at some level) no doubt was a huge blow to her.

It sounds like this stressful event caused her to emotionally dysregulate.

Any ideas why this aspect of BPD where the uBPD hates her ex, wants nothing to do with him, certainly wouldn't go back with him and yet he sets her off to the point that she would leave another relationship.

This is just my conjecture, based on my own observations and experiences - but it seems like, once a pwBPD has been in a serious relationship with a person, they have this feeling of a sort of "ownership" over that person for the rest of their lives. Even if there's no desire to reconcile, borderlines often keep tabs on exes, and even express jealousy or betrayal when an ex moves on.

The disorder, by its nature, causes a borderline to objectify people. Objectification + possessiveness = sense of ownership. Love, sexual desire, friendship, nothing like that enters into the equation at its most basic level.

That being said... .it's human nature to still have some intense feelings about someone you shared a big part of your life with. And it's understandable that someone would be stressed and upset over losing a court case against an ex.

With a disorder that impairs emotional regulation, normal feelings and stressors like this can become terrible crises, setting off the worst parts of the disorder.

It sounds like it wasn't so much issues with her exH specifically that caused her to leave her relationship with you, but rather that she became dysregulated after the court case - which led to her ending the relationship, among other things.

[TheBPDSurvivor]

I don't have anything to add but your post struck a chord in me about a incident that happened some years ago that I could relate to the stunted emotional growth of the BPD.

In my late teen years, I ran my business from my home and all the neighbor kids used to spend all their day with me watching cartoon movies and playing computer games,etc... , There was this 2 kids, a boy and a girl from a family whom I cared very much and treated them as like they're my own child. I will feed them, buy whatever stuffs they want, help them with their homeworks, teach their school subjects,etc... , They're very affectionate towards me and never leave me when I'm at home. They spent most of their time with me than their parents and I know very well about their likes and dislikes. Later I came to know about their mom who is sleeping with young guys and I kinda felt bad for her kids and thought like they shouldn't know about this. Eventually their mom's behaviour changed and she wanted me. I slowly cut down her communication with me as I don't want to sleep with a married woman. I was still a virgin at that time. She had a lot of respect on me so she never had the guts to talk with me. I used to help financially with my neighbors and she hated when I talked to other womens and some of them hates her conduct and doesn't talk with her. She stopped sending her kids to my home but they refused and will always run to my home. No one can replace my love towards her children but she found a family with a couple of guys a little younger than me as a replacement. She sent her children to their home and used to do stuffs that we do. I felt bad initially but I never approached them and let them go and wished well. The kids love towards me slowly started eroding and after 2 years they completely ignored me like I never exist and fancied that other family. It happened several years ago and they are in their early teen years now. We were still neighbors but every time some new person in their age comes to see me, they'll show their anger towards them like they'll fight with them or simply go and hide into the face of earth until they leave. Even though they don't see or talk to me, they don't want anyone in their age to be with me. They hate me because of their mom but they never know the reason for the hate.

From all the stories I read here, this is how I see BPD's reacting when their ex's are happy with their new partner or buys new stuffs like car or home. They see their ex's as their OWN object and can't stand their ex's ignorance/happiness with other partners. They don't have the ability to let go and always hop onto their ex's even when their current partner is lot more richer, good looking, smarter or happier than their ex.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I don't have anything to add but your post struck a chord in me about a incident that happened some years ago that I could relate to the stunted emotional growth of the BPD.

In my late teen years, I ran my business from my home and all the neighbor kids used to spend all their day with me watching cartoon movies and playing computer games,etc... , There was this 2 kids, a boy and a girl from a family whom I cared very much and treated them as like they're my own child. I will feed them, buy whatever stuffs they want, help them with their homeworks, teach their school subjects,etc... , They're very affectionate towards me and never leave me when I'm at home. They spent most of their time with me than their parents and I know very well about their likes and dislikes. Later I came to know about their mom who is sleeping with young guys and I kinda felt bad for her kids and thought like they shouldn't know about this. Eventually their mom's behaviour changed and she wanted me. I slowly cut down her communication with me as I don't want to sleep with a married woman. I was still a virgin at that time. She had a lot of respect on me so she never had the guts to talk with me. I used to help financially with my neighbors and she hated when I talked to other womens and some of them hates her conduct and doesn't talk with her. She stopped sending her kids to my home but they refused and will always run to my home. No one can replace my love towards her children but she found a family with a couple of guys a little younger than me as a replacement. She sent her children to their home and used to do stuffs that we do. I felt bad initially but I never approached them and let them go and wished well. The kids love towards me slowly started eroding and after 2 years they completely ignored me like I never exist and fancied that other family. It happened several years ago and they are in their early teen years now. We were still neighbors but every time some new person in their age comes to see me, they'll show their anger towards them like they'll fight with them or simply go and hide into the face of earth until they leave. Even though they don't see or talk to me, they don't want anyone in their age to be with me. They hate me because of their mom but they never know the reason for the hate.

From all the stories I read here, this is how I see BPD's reacting when their ex's are happy with their new partner or buys new stuffs like car or home. They see their ex's as their OWN object and can't stand their ex's ignorance/happiness with other partners. They don't have the ability to let go and always hop onto their ex's even when their current partner is lot more richer, good looking, smarter or happier than their ex.

I understand your point, and it is well taken. But let me tell you his new wife was not better looking, wealthier, and who knows about the happiness. My ex always talked about how frumpy his new wife looked and that my ex was much better looking. Why she cared since she said she hated him so much, I do not know. I think the object part has to be the most logical thing. She can't stand him. Hated him so badly I couldn't say his name when we talked about him. We had a code name. It wasn't a bad word, but she would get mad at me if I forgot and called him by his regular name. Wonder how that's working out with her new guy. I'm sure he sees how her exH sets her off. There's no way she's hidden that the last 6 months.

You reminded me that she despised her exH b/c she felt like she was his "trophy" and just invited her to his job functions so he could show her off. It's like she was offended that he might be objectifying her. And yet over 9.5 yrs we were together the one thing that was most important to her were her looks. She's not drop dead gorgeous. Maybe better than average, but no super model kind of thing. I personally think that comes from her childhood trauma. But that's just my theory. I mean she's a therapist in real life. Why she was so stuck on her looks was beyond me. It seemed pretty superficial of her considering she had to have some personal counseling in her career.

[TheBPDSurvivor]

I understand your point, and it is well taken. But let me tell you his new wife was not better looking, wealthier, and who knows about the happiness. My ex always talked about how frumpy his new wife looked and that my ex was much better looking. Why she cared since she said she hated him so much, I do not know. I think the object part has to be the most logical thing. She can't stand him. Hated him so badly I couldn't say his name when we talked about him. We had a code name. It wasn't a bad word, but she would get mad at me if I forgot and called him by his regular name. Wonder how that's working out with her new guy. I'm sure he sees how her exH sets her off. There's no way she's hidden that the last 6 months.

You reminded me that she despised her exH b/c she felt like she was his "trophy" and just invited her to his job functions so he could show her off. It's like she was offended that he might be objectifying her. And yet over 9.5 yrs we were together the one thing that was most important to her were her looks. She's not drop dead gorgeous. Maybe better than average, but no super model kind of thing. I personally think that comes from her childhood trauma. But that's just my theory. I mean she's a therapist in real life. Why she was so stuck on her looks was beyond me. It seemed pretty superficial of her considering she had to have some personal counseling in her career.

I too had a similar experience. Like your code name, she used to refer her ex as "that guy" and everytime we're in an interesting discussion, she'll say like she wanted to say something to me and then say like I'll get irritated if I hear her say that. I'll then know what she's gonna say. That's her way of reminding me about her thoughts about her ex and she will say nothing but some stuff/material/song triggered the thoughts about her ex. I always pulled my hair like how can she think about her ex when we're in a completely different topic of discussion in the PRESENT. This happened several times throughout the short-lived relationship. Now I know deep down, she always ruminated her ex's.

Before we got into the relationship, she brokeup with her best friend. When we're in the relationship, that friend somehow found my number and called me to warn about the ex's behaviour. I was a little afraid to ask it to the ex as I know it'll open a can of worms and when I slowly opened it to her, she replied like "I know about myself. She's ugly. She's wasting her time and money by talking to you." for that I replied like "I wouldn't mind to call her or spend my time to know more about her" and that's when the Hiroshima Nagasaki bomb exploded. Only after the breakup did I know that other girl is well disciplined and scores top marks in the college where my ex got fail marks in more than half of the subjects. I also got some calls from some random guys who warned me to not believe her. She always pointed at her last ex's name as who is making those calls to me. During the end of the relationship and in the devaluation stage, I had the gut feeling like she's talking to someone and she is indeed is talking with someone as her number was "busy" the whole night. I don't know who he is but I thought it's "that guy" and when she brought her "thinking about that guy" topic, I encouraged her to call him immediately and go and meet him in person. She replied like "I will cry as soon as I see him" and with a bunch of happiness she said like "I have soo many things to talk with him". Me sitting here and listening to her like a fool because we didn't even end the relationship yet but she never cared about our feelings. There's no value for the objects they have in hand. It's always about the ex, the lost treasure. With the already non-existent sense of self, they feel the need to take control of all the lost objects, relationships in this case., to make them feel complete.

And oh about the looks, me ex is also a not drop dead gorgeous either but she is pretty. In the scale of 1 to 10 where 10 being Miss world, she could easily score 7 plus. From what I see, her soft voice is her biggest weapon but she greatly admires her eyes and talked alot about it. I didn't find anything in that eyes except she'll look deep into you without any movement. It's kinda crappy and I always pushed her away when she looked at me like that.