I'm so confused

[frustrated one]

This past week has been a roller coaster ride and I almost got off! Monday was a snow day and we were all home snowed in, my uBPDw started raging about our daughter (13) not cleaning her room. Our daughter tried to explain that she was with us most of the weekend away from home and had a ton of homework to do so she didn't get to do it. My wife didn't listen to a word that was being said to her. Just kept raging about what a little b___ our daughter was swearing at her and calling her uncalled for names. I told her to stop talking to our child that way it was uncalled for and inappropriate. I asked our daughter to go clean her room now since it needed to be done and I figured that if she did it maybe it would diffuse the situation a little. But my wife followed her up to her room screaming and calling her names. Which angered my daughter and she started yelling back and crying.

My wife finally left her our daughters room and came into my office to yell at me about how I was at fault for our daughter not listening to her and I'm always trying to undermine her authority. I tried to explain what I was seeing, If she would take a step back and look at what was happening. She just could have asked our daughter to clean her room in a nice way and she would have done it. I told her I felt that yelling at her before giving her a chance to do it was just going to put them at odds from the start. She just kept yelling at me and saying how bad both my daughter and I treat her and then she threatened suicide again. I feel numb these threats are becoming routine and I realize that I should take them serious but I find my self dismissing them. I'm not sure what to do when she threatens it but I need to put an end to her doing it. does anyone have any advise?

This rage has gone on it one way or the other all week... .Saturday I just got in my car and drove for 5 hours just to get away and try to gather my thoughts I'm not sure how much more I can take.

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[Notwendy]

Adolescence can be a rocky road even for parents who don't have PD's.

Teen girls have the task of differentiating from their mother. This can be difficult for the mother with BPD who- if they are like my mother- expected compliance.

My dad was already invested in keeping mom as comfortable as possible, so he was not as sympathetic to me as a teen. He'd have raged at me to clean my room rather than have mom complain to him about me, but mom played that card all the time, telling dad mean things about me to turn him against me.

Also, teens need a strong adult who can take them pushing away from them, and moms with BP are not those moms. By my teen years, I was quite a threat to mom, as I was becoming an adult. I knew I was already mentally "older" than her when I was 13, which was frightening to me as well as to her. Another thing that happens to all moms to some extent is that we begin to age just about the time those daughters are becoming beauties. I've known some moms who compete with their daughters- dressing young, acting out. My mom was a beauty and invested in her looks, so I don't think this went over well for her to see me becoming a young lady. She told me I was fat ( I was not but what teen girl is happy with her size all the time) and even enlisted dad to tell me that too. I began to talk back to her, and she painted me black. Your wife may paint your teen daughter black, but it can go both ways. I hated my mother for years, but I was also enmeshed having learned to obey her in order to get my father's approval. My dad had a lot of leverage over me as I desperately wanted him to care about me. I considered him to be my only real parent.

We witnessed a few of mom's "suicide threats" and at first it scared us, and then we too became numb to them, and to her.

Mom is a widow now and lives by herself. At first we were concerned that she would try to manipulate us by threatening suicide. This was scary- we truly don't want her to do this. However, we recognized that if we played into this by running to check on her, calling her, paying more attention to her, then we would reinforce the behavior. We have also decided that none of us adult kids are willing to watch her 24/7, either. Our agreement is that if she threatens this, we are going to call 911. This is the only way we know to let her know that these threats have serious consequences and also not reinforce them emotionally. By calling 911, you are demonstrating to your wife that this does not work.

It's great that you can drive away for several hours. My dad did this too once I was a teen, and it was better than listening to the two of them fight. However, that also meant we were alone with her. It was usually one of her rages that made him drive off, and that rage didn't go away- but it got redirected to us. Just know this so you can also understand the position your teen daughter is in. Don't abuse her seeming to be more mature than your wife and expect more out of her than she can handle. She needs parents- but there is probably only one adult in your home ( you) . I was parentified by her age as I was expected to take care of my mother's needs.

I hope that you have given your kids a chance to get therapy of their own to deal with this.