Returning to Boards

[Enoch]

Hello friends,

I have been away from the boards for quite awhile. I've been married for 35 years (Same person) though she seems like a different person than the girl I married. Over the years, she has become progressively more domineering and aggressive. I've accepted her BPD and have been working on my own behaviors and responses, boundaries and safety zones for about four years now. I am still learning, but the methods have helped me substantially.

Unfortunately, my spouse isn't getting any better. She refuses to believe that she has a mental illness or disorder and that her emotions are normal. She has finally stopped her physical abusive ways. I was able to get a restraining order and this put some fear into her. It also made her behavior public... .which she absolutely hates. The restraiing order was in lace for 2 years and has expired for about 12 months now. In the last three years, she has only hit me one time. I have to admit that I triggered that one and could not call the police in good conscience. I have not triggered her in that way since. She will bring the restraining order to my attention as if it was ridiculous. I know differently. It's a wonderful thing to not live under the threat of violence like I used to.

I have spent many many hours thinking thru my own part of the chaos and recognize more and more the way I have gotten baited and responded badly. During my first stint on these boards, I heard many times that the only person I can change is "ME"... .so true.

So, I still live with my wife of 35 years. I have decided that "eros" love is inappropriate for our relationship. Any romantic effort is so quickly misunderstood or rejected. It's much healthier for me to practice "agape" love. The unconditional kind that would apply to a loved one not your spouse. Respectful and caring, all communication is flavored with caution... .knowing the triggers that cause her emotions to jump form 7-8 so quickly. (She never really retreats below a 7)

When my spouse is angry, scared, frustrated, or all the other elevated emotions, she charges into the fire. She has no "Back down" in her. Her ability to maintain a fight for hours is incredible. And then the next day, pretend that all is normal.

I look forward to joining in on some of the conversation here and hope to find a new friend or two to dialogue with.

Cordially,

Enoch-II

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

  Hello Enoch.

I have been off the boards for a short while (maybe 2.5 - 3 months). I certainly related to your story, although the physical violence has not been something that my uBPDw has done - mostly just verbal abuse and intense rage. Overall, we are doing better since I first came here and began learning about BPD and how to communicate with less JADE. I am also in the agape type of love for my spouse and have given up on the eros type - it simply isn't safe enough for her and may never be so.

My question for you: what do you do when your wife demands more intimacy (not sexual, but emotional) when you know that she is not ready for it? I am called a robot, an automaton, emotionless, a wall, etc. It bugs me. I know that I have reached out and been caring and even made attempt to heal and repair our relationship, but she always does the push/pull dance. And yet, there is that kernel of truth - I have withdrawn to agape love to protect myself - I love her like I would anyone that I meet, with concern for her well being, happiness and to maintain good will. But I think I agree with her that this is not the best that a relationship can be, and I hate to look at the what if's of being outside of this marriage. For the record, we have two young children together, and I am not certain I would be in this marriage if it were not for our boys.

Anyway, welcome back, and I would love to hear from you. I am not a regular poster and reader these days, but I really do gain a lot from the support, advice and experiences of others here. 

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, Enoch! No doubt you will come across my posts in your travels. I am sorry you are dealing with this but I do applaud 35 years with your wife!