Is it possible to leave amicably?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm new to this board. I've been posting mostly on staying. I am married to a dBPDh just over 2 years (3 years total together). I've decided I can't do this anymore. He's in therapy, I'm in therapy. I just feel happier when I'm not around him. Every time we're together, something goes wrong. I  have been dealing with a lot of anger and getting it under control.

My therapist wants me to make a plan and basically move my stuff out of our apartment while he's at work. This feels very harsh to me but I know it's the "safest" thing to do. I'd like to leave some things for him here. Most of it was mine because he moved from a different country but I just want any furniture that was passed down to me from family and my clothes, etc. Still enough stuff to make it very tough to move out in a day without packing in advance.

I have started de-cluttering my stuff, getting rid of unwanted clothes, etc. This isn't abnormal for me to do, so it shouldn't be alarming to him. I usually purge a few times a year and like re-organizing things. I'm thinking there are some items I could slowly move out without him noticing in advance. Things that hide in the closet/under the bed.

I honestly don't want to hurt him. This is going to be painful enough for us both. I know I can't control how he reacts. I know I have to prepare that he might take me off the health insurance. We share a car, that is in my name that I purchased before we even met and is paid off. I work from home and he drives it to work. So I know this will be problematic for him. He is within walking distance from a bus that goes straight to his work. So that's good. There's also a grocery store in walking distance. Not our preferred store but still.

I'd like to help make this as amicable as possible and I know that may sound delusional. Does anyone have any advice on things to consider in order to stay safe but also not make this more hurtful than it needs to be?

Thanks,

Bloomer

[Bloomer]

I'm new to this board. I've been posting mostly on staying. I am married to a dBPDh just over 2 years (3 years total together). I've decided I can't do this anymore. He's in therapy, I'm in therapy. I just feel happier when I'm not around him. Every time we're together, something goes wrong. I  have been dealing with a lot of anger and getting it under control.

My therapist wants me to make a plan and basically move my stuff out of our apartment while he's at work. This feels very harsh to me but I know it's the "safest" thing to do. I'd like to leave some things for him here. Most of it was mine because he moved from a different country but I just want any furniture that was passed down to me from family and my clothes, etc. Still enough stuff to make it very tough to move out in a day without packing in advance.

I have started de-cluttering my stuff, getting rid of unwanted clothes, etc. This isn't abnormal for me to do, so it shouldn't be alarming to him. I usually purge a few times a year and like re-organizing things. I'm thinking there are some items I could slowly move out without him noticing in advance. Things that hide in the closet/under the bed.

I honestly don't want to hurt him. This is going to be painful enough for us both. I know I can't control how he reacts. I know I have to prepare that he might take me off the health insurance. We share a car, that is in my name that I purchased before we even met and is paid off. I work from home and he drives it to work. So I know this will be problematic for him. He is within walking distance from a bus that goes straight to his work. So that's good. There's also a grocery store in walking distance. Not our preferred store but still.

I'd like to help make this as amicable as possible and I know that may sound delusional. Does anyone have any advice on things to consider in order to stay safe but also not make this more hurtful than it needs to be?

Thanks,

Bloomer

[Grey Kitty]

My first thought is that you cannot take an intimate r/s with a pwBPD and turn it into an amicable one. Besides, you sound very unready to be amicable with him today--he triggers you constantly!

Realistic best case is NC/LC to heal for a while, then possibly re-building a friendship with better boundaries than your marriage had. 'Cuz any sort of r/s with him will be subject to his push-pull dynamics... .you can deal with them well, or deal with them badly, but they won't go away!



Do you have your place to move into lined up?

How long can you stay there?

[Deeno02]

I thought we could be adult about it. I was wrong. Stay NC.

[Bloomer]

As usual GK, you made some very valid points. We are triggering each other constantly. We just take turns at this rate. It's not enjoyable for either one of us.

Right now my plan is to move in with my sister for a bit. If that doesn't work I have had other offers from friends to stay with them while I get on my feet. My plan is to stay somewhere about 2-3 months while I manage the aftermath of the decision and then I am hoping to move and make a fresh start.

Is it possible to have the move organized with friends/family and go to therapy with him to break the news in a controlled space. And then his therapist can sort of help him cope and I can leave the session and he can stay? Is this at all realistic? I was thinking this would be nicer than him coming home to people packing up my stuff, particularly since it will likely be my family, who he has a history of conflict with, and who will likely feel very protective over me and I don't want there to be anything started there.

[Grey Kitty]

I think you are trying to get out of the house as cleanly and while doing the least harm possible. My take on how to do that:

Cleanly -- I see the best thing there as being firm and consistent in what you say to him, not giving him mixed messages. (I've been the recipient of things that felt like mixed messages to me!)

Do you know if you are moving out to end your marriage, or moving out with hope of saving it? If you are certain, communicating that to him should help.

Safely / without causing harm -- I don't know enough to advise you on that yet... .so more questions:

What do you expect him to do if/when you tell him that you intend to leave?

What would you expect him to do if/when he comes home and finds you gone?

What ACTIONS are you afraid he would take?

• Physical violence as you leave?



• Emotional/verbal violence as you leave?



• Keeping your car?



• Preventing you from getting your stuff?



• Damaging your stuff?



• Stalking/harassing you?



• A suicide attempt?

Start with the list of things you are concerned about... .once you have the list, work on a plan to deal with or prevent things.