power struggles--does she care?

[whitebackatcha]

I'm starting a new thread so I can refocus. :P

Everyone here is dealing with so much of the same stuff. It makes me feel silly for even posting. We stay with this crap, or we leave. It's that simple... .but it's so hard.

I have a long distance relationship with someone who I strongly believe has BPD. She is currently ignoring me, while posting things to make me jealous, or being sarcastic if I respond to her posts. We have had this happen many times before, but every other time, it has been me who has initiated the conflict by, for instance, feeling defensive and asking her to admit that she would never care about me as much as I do about her. This time, she decided to cut off the sexual aspect of the relationship because it was causing issues in her primary relationship  (we both have open marriages). She did this after we had gotten very close, much more intimate than ever before, for about a month. I don't know if she was looking for an excuse to pull back, if she did it hastily to avoid conflict with her primary, or what.

I was beyond hurt, but stayed calm so I wouldn't upset her. I said I was sad, but still cared and would make the best of it. I also, for my own sake, stopped telling her I loved her, saying nice things all the time, etc. She didn't do these things for me, because she isn't demonstrative. She also said it didn't really matter to her if I did them or not. She is the type who either has few feelings, or freaks out and reacts emotionally. She has attempted to draw me back in sideways ways any time I have tried to tell her fine, I will follow your lead and I won't be so intense toward you.

I put up with bad behavior to keep her, but am working on boundaries. I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from this post. I just feel so sad. I'm in love with her, and she has sent such mixed messages. She says she cares about me, has told me she loves me, we talk off and on all day, everyday. How do I know if she even cares about me, or if she just likes that I care so much about her? She doesn't cling, she just ends things and then comes back later. It's so hard.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whitebackatcha]

I guess one specific thing I'm trying to figure out is, how do I have boundaries, not teaching her that sarcasm and the silent treatment work to get attention, when my distance seems to trigger her abandonment issues, and makes things escalate? I've been reading the articles on this site. Our last real conversation was her beginning the silent treatment, me directly saying that I needed her to tell me if she needed space because avoidance was hurtful, her saying sarcastically that space was good. Then I said, okay, thank you for being direct. I'll be here when you want to reconnect. She was sarcastic, but I didn't respond.

[Notwendy]

Boundaries are a confusing topic. People assume it is to tell others that there are certain behaviors they dislike. In healthy relationships that can work. For example, you could tell a friend not to borrow your things without asking. A friend who cares about you will remember that, and ask before taking something next time.

People with PD's don't always learn like that, but, in general, people do something for a gain, even a secondary gain if the behavior is harmful. For instance, if doing something gets them attention, then they may keep doing it even if that action  is destructive and even if the person asks them not to.

Boundaries are for us: a decision of what we will and will not tolerate. They are not for someone else because we have no control over anyone else but ourselves. So while  we can say " I will not tolerate being raged at" this may not stop the rage, but our action can be to not engage the person, or leave the room. We don't even need to tell the other person about a boundary- sometimes it is better not to. We just need to act on it.

Sarcasm is a way of indirectly saying something or expressing anger. The ST speaks quite loudly and is a form of vervbal abuse. When someone is using the ST, it's a form of control and power. When the other person pleads, gives attention, asks what is wrong this is reinforcing. Giving any of this back: ST, sarcasm is playing along. So one way to deal with this is to disengage. Don't solve their communication problem for them. It is up to them to tell you what they want. You can simply say something like: I know that you are capable of telling me what is going on in a direct manner, so when you are ready, please let me know. Then go on your way.