My 'progress' after 11 weeks - Obsessions, meds and work

[CloseToFreedom]

So it's been a few weeks since I've given you an update about my progress in detaching from my exUBPDgf. No idea if any of you are interested in it, but I've noticed that writing it down here and talking about it with you people have helped me a great deal in the past, so it was time to write another update.

Small backstory for people: been with her for 4,5 years, broke up around 10 times (mostly by my doing because after each honeymoon phase came the devaluation period and after some months I just couldnt handle the walking on eggshells or the feeling I was not loved). 2014 saw us living together for most of the year, in november we split up for good, she moved in an appartment of her own. Tried to get into contact in the first few weeks, but just received replies filled with hate, claiming i was a cancer on her life.

So now I'm around 11 weeks out and it is a hard road. I've noticed I was heavy dependent on her, each and every facet of my life was/is toxicated by thinking about her. When I used to do something, anything, I'd think about her during the process. Its like an addiction that needs to be kicked, cords in my brain that need to be rewired. Extremely difficult.

So after around 5 / 6 weeks there has been no direct contact at all, and that was when it hit me: its over for good. The loss of all hope. Working through that has been hard. I need to get out of bed each day at 6 am to get to my work (a trip of 2,5 hours), work I used to have passion for, but half of the week I can't manage to do that. I need to sleep till 9 am or so to feel remotely able to get out of bed. Partly because at night I feel at my best and my thoughts race while Im trying to get to sleep. Thankfully work has been very understanding up until now, and I can work at home a few days a week.

During the 6/7 week mark I started to get a lot of images of suicide in my head. Felt very lost, very on edge and very hopeless. Been assigned to a therapist where I had an intake convo last week, the waiting line was 6 weeks but they saw I was into a depression and I was able to get my first session yesterday. Received a receipt for Brintellix, my first ever meds. I will start taking them tomorrow. I'm kind of happy with them because I really want to take the edge of the obsessive thinking and depressive feeling. The T said that first we are going to treat the depression, then we're going to look if there are any Personality Disorders that need to be treated.

And truth to be hold, I still don't know if she or I was the one with a PD. Probably the both of us. Maybe she was BPD, and I was co-dependant. Or maybe its something else. I don't know. My T did said that all the things I told about her look a lot like BPD, but then again, so were some of the things I told about myself. Although that could also come from spending 4,5 years with someone that has it, the crazy kinda rubs off on you. I do see a pattern: without a girlfriend, it feels like my life has no use and I start to self-destruct: neglect work, drink a lot, being unhealthy for myself (stopped exercising, eating unhealthy, smoking two packs a day). Its almost like I want to punish myself for being alone, or like I stop existing when there is no one around to validate me. Also, it might seem that the depression in me was there for a long time, but the intense relationship took my mind off of it. Maybe I need to quit working eventually and find something that makes me happy. But that is all for the future, right now its all about getting through this depression safely.

One more thing, my ex already got a new boyfriend a month after the break up. That was fast. On social media she's showing her love for him and using words like 'my new love', 'magic', etc. It takes some getting used to. She has inserted herself in part of my social circle so I often bump into them when going out, or even at parties from friends. In the beginning they were all over each other, but that seemed to have died down pretty fast. I also heard from a friend of a friend that her new boyfriend seems to keep himself occupied with multiple women. Whatever, its not my problem anymore, but I do have to admit that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Her 'lovely' new relationship exploding this fast would give me some satisfaction. Does that make me a bad person?

So yeah, that's about it. Very difficult time for me, but at least there seems to be some light at the end of the tunnel:

1) Getting meds to hopefully get over the worst of the pain

2) Getting used to the fact that my ex has a new relationship, and seeing/hearing that its not all that rosey

3) Realising that there are reasons why I stayed this long in a toxic relationship, underlying depression that I will need to work on in the future

4) Understanding people around me, my parents are extremely supportive (even going as far as saying that they will help me out with my bought house if I might lose my job), some friends have seen the light and hang out with me now instead of with my ex

5) Missing her becomes less and less, focussing more on my own pain and feelings

Still not even close to being healed. She still has a big space rented in my brain and I think it might take a good year to really get the toxic out. I also need to work on my health because Im treating myself badly. Also anxious what the meds will do to me, side-effects wise.

Thank you for reading (and replying in advance), sorry for my language skills but English isn't my first language and its pretty hard to express your deepest feelings.

[goateeki]

Close, there's a lot of women in the world.  And 99.9995% of them are better human beings and more capable of loving you than your ex.  And many of them are really, really good looking and interesting people. 

It's over, dude.  Love someone else, love someone better. 

[cloudten]

"So after around 5 / 6 weeks there has been no direct contact at all, and that was when it hit me: its over for good. The loss of all hope. "

This really hit me as I am only in the very beginning stages of deattachment.

I can't imagine never talking to him again. Never ever. Never ever ever. This hurts. He's my best friend. My lover. I wanted his good parts forever. But I truly can't imagine never talking to him again. Never having part of my life. But I know in my brain it is over for good.

[cloudten]

I find posting here helps so much... .and if anything just reading. Knowing that I am not crazy.

Don't worry about the pd. When you sleep with dogs, you catch fleas. They will go away. You were in it a long time. I doubt you have a pd.

I find it a little frustrating here that at sometimes people forget that we are all people with normal human needs want and desires. Humans are social creatures. We are not meant to be alone! So I don't think that you wanting to be with someone is abnormal! It's normal! How you go about getting and maintaining a r/s is where you should pay attention. If you go to great lengths to manipulate someone to keep the r/s, then you may want to evaluate for a pd. But try not to worry about a diagnosis until you are more healed. Your diagnosis may simply be a broken heart.

[goateeki]

I find posting here helps so much... .and if anything just reading. Knowing that I am not crazy.

Don't worry about the pd. When you sleep with dogs, you catch fleas. They will go away. You were in it a long time. I doubt you have a pd.

I find it a little frustrating here that at sometimes people forget that we are all people with normal human needs want and desires. Humans are social creatures. We are not meant to be alone! So I don't think that you wanting to be with someone is abnormal! It's normal! How you go about getting and maintaining a r/s is where you should pay attention. If you go to great lengths to manipulate someone to keep the r/s, then you may want to evaluate for a pd. But try not to worry about a diagnosis until you are more healed. Your diagnosis may simply be a broken heart.

I just wanted to clarify something here.  I don't suggest that people leaving (or left) not be with others.  We all had the experience we had because we do love, do commit, do care.  These are good qualities.  But we choose to love people who really are bad for us, who damage us.  I don't urge that people not want to be in a relationship. But it is crucially important, I think, that we realize that the person we were with is not representative of all people, and that we recognize that relationships are not meant to be painful and dramatic.  They should strengthen and invigorate and be one of the things in life that brings happiness.