Is this emotional blackmail?

[fordprefect]

So my uBPDm has had relationship breakdowns with almost every woman she has ever known, particularly close friends and family that may have got too close in the past and possibly criticized her or in some way made her feel inferior.  She basically has a motto, which she once aired to my wife that if people hurt you, you should cut them out of your life.

There is a very long story which goes back some 30 years or so, but ultimately means by uBPDm hates one of my aunts (well actually both of them , but I am only in touch with one... .)

I have a relationship with my aunt, and her family (my cousins) and want to invite them to my kids first birthday. My uBPDm hates my aunt (but noone seems to have any idea why... .) and doesn't want to be anywhere near her.

Anyway, I told my uBPDm that I wanted to invite my aunt to the party. This resulted in her being very upset on the phone, and a few hours later 3 text messages coming through saying that I dont love her, want to hurt her and a veiled threat of suicide ... .

My dad (who's sister I am talking about) seems to have given up and just settles for the easy life. My brother (another long story) seems to do whatever benefits him (generally means siding with my mum so he can get free babysitting and other perks).

I am a bit confused... .Should I have shown loyalty to my mother and not invited my aunt?

Just because something "has always been ... ." doesn't been it should continue, does it?

[Deb]

If your mom doesn't get along with your aunt, that is HER problem. I am NC with my dBPD sister. I am always invited to one of my nieces' houses for a family Christmas party. My niece is NC with her mom, also. But one year she was going to break NC and told me she had invited her mom to the party. My response was "It's up to you." And I let her know I would still be there. Her mother's response was "I will not come if you invite Deb." My niece told her "You don't get a say in who I ibvite to my house. You can come or not. Up to you." Sis didn't show and niece went back to NC.

[FreedomReigns]

Just because something "has always been ... ." doesn't been it should continue, does it?

No. It does not. This is YOUR life now. You do whatever the hell you want. It took me a LONG time to figure that out.

I agree with Deb. This is NOT your problem. You do whatever YOU want, not what SHE wants. This just really gets up in my craw because I had a similar experience with my husband’s side of the family (note, my DH died in 2006). Anyway, his aunt (his dad’s sister) and uncle had two daughters. The oldest one married and left home, but her husband pretty much alienated her from the family almost immediately. Something happened between the two sisters and the one’s husband to the point where they stopped talking to each other. I was basically asked to “choose” between the two sisters.

At my daughter’s fifth birthday, I invited the whole family. The oldest sister and husband showed up first. We were having a nice conversation while the kids played. Then her mom, dad, and sister came, and she and her husband left so fast, there was a cloud of dust behind them as they sped down the dirt lane. I got an email from her later that said, “If you don t want to hear our side of the story, then we can’t see you anymore.”

I have spoken to the aunt and uncle and the other sister, albeit briefly. I can’t stand to be around the uncle as he gives me the heevie jeevies and I refuse to go to any family reunions anymore with him there. Not only that, but I suspect he may be a pedophile and I refuse to have my girls be near him. I, myself, was sexually molested by my own father when I was very young; I will do anything to protect my daughters!

Oh, I also got a letter from him telling me that his oldest daughter was being brainwashed by her husband. Yeah, I self-diagnosed him as having BPD/NPD. I finally sent them all separate letters (with a cc to my MIL, FIL and SIL) basically telling them that I had enough going on in my life trying to raise four daughters on my own and that I refused to be a part of their drama. I told them all to leave me out of it.

Well, that was in 2007, and I have not seen or spoken to any of them since. I have restrained relationships with FIL and SIL since MIL died in 2012.

You do what you have to do in order to stay sane . . . for YOU.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello fordperfect,

Yes, it is emotional blackmail, which is designed to induce Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) in you and to make you so uncomfortable that you would give in, change your mind, and do what your mother wants versus what you really want to do.

The messages in this case: Fear - what she might do to herself, if you don't comply. Obligation - a loving son would be loyal to his mother. Guilt - you are hurting her by inviting your aunt.

I am a bit confused... .Should I have shown loyalty to my mother and not invited my aunt?

FOG - Together disorienting you, and causing you to doubt yourself. Pretty fitting acronym, isn't it?

Giving into emotional blackmail is not good as it teaches the pwBPD that it is an effective tactic. Of course you as a loving and a compassionate person would want to consider the impact of your behavior onto others and consider their feelings and take that into account when you are making your free-will decisions. That is a rather different process from giving into the emotional blackmail for reasons of FOG, though.

Understanding your mother and her disordered thinking might on the other hand help you deal with her in a compassionate way: for her, it is a contest of loyalty, and you are preferring her enemy and rejecting her. That causes her feelings of pain and also triggers her fear of abandonment. Hence the frantic texting.

If I were in your situation, I'd text her back something like: "I am so sorry you feel hurt by my invitation of aunt xy to S1's first b-day party. I love you very much and would love for you to come. I am sure little S1 would love to see his grandma too. However, if it makes you feel too uncomfortable to see aunt xy, I will understand if you can't make it. Maybe you could visit on the weekend instead?"

And then, I would let her decide whether she wants to come or not. The message above would let her know you hear her hurt, you love her, AND you are not changing your mind.

I would write the above IF I wasn't worried about possible scene that uBPDm might make at the b-day party - is that a concern?

[littlebirdcline]

The concept of loyalty for individuals with BPD is very interesting to me.  I can only tell you my story of taking my mother's side.  My grandmother has horribly abused my mother her entire life, and frankly, I think bears a lot of responsibility in my mother's BPD.  But my grandmother has always been great to me.  But 6 or 7 years ago, they had a giant blowup, which resulted in long periods of no contact, brief attempts by my mother to go back, more fights, etc... .  All this time, my brother and I have basically been forbidden to speak to my grandmother.  I do think my grandmother was wrong, and frankly, I was tired of the drama, so I haven't spoken to my grandmother since then.  Recently, she became very ill, and actually died on the table before being revived.  My mother ran back, groveling, and telling me repeatedy how happy she was to be with her mother again.  (Of course, now all the drama is her brother's fault and my grandmother can't help it.)  She started pressuring us to come visit, which I considered, but couldn't work logistically.  (I live far away.)  My grandmother has greatly improved, but now my mother is offended that I won't come see her. 

So, when you are angry at her, we must cut off the only grandparent we ever had who gave a damn about us, but then we are the bad guys when after six years of hardening our hearts we don't come running?

I guess my point is that you can't let you pwBPD dictate anything you do.  Their illness runs their life- don't let it run yours, too.

[littlebirdcline]

And I love your screen name, by the way. 

[fordprefect]

Thanks all  for  your replies.  Really  appreciate  that you have taken time out to  relay your own experiences and provide valuable insights. 

Interesting statement about the test of loyalty.  This is certainly not the first time and the exact same words I used to describe a previous incident with  same members of the family. FOG is a good way of putting this.  It's happened many times these last few years.

If both of them were at the party I know there  would be a drama.  So I think that's a no go... .Especially after this reaction.

Actually my aunt had now offered not to go,  to save us all the hassle.  But  this would be conceding to the EB. So I think offering to see her  on another day is the answer. I  actually haven't spoken to her or my dad since.  Probably about time... .

[pessim-optimist]

Their illness runs their life- don't let it run yours, too.

If both of them were at the party I know there  would be a drama.  So I think that's a no go... .Especially after this reaction.

That sounds wise.

So I think offering to see her  on another day is the answer. I  actually haven't spoken to her or my dad since.  Probably about time... .

There is still a big potential for things to blow up. Being aware of it/ready for it and staying calm and hanging up early on  on a good/ok note if it starts going south can be an asset.