I need a break - scheduled a trip just with my kids - now guilt tripping HELP

[Olinda]

I'm sorry I have not been on to offer support to others. I am very stressed out right now, nearly had a panic attack today at work and am seeking some perspective from you who understand.

I feel like I am my BPD fiancee's only source of energy or support. She has a therapist that is expensive and she sees about every 3 weeks. Her parents are in another state, not healthy, not really a support. She moved here to be near me, to a completely different state. She quit her job in October 2014 and has been battling depression. She has a psych appointment lined up and that is SOO hopeful.

But I have reached a limit. I need to recharge. It has been so stressful, for a long time, maybe since about August 2014, HIGH stress. And my fiancee cannot handle a week long trip with my kids, and has problems "sharing me". 

So I decided that I need to have some time with my children without the stress of figuring out her moods and how to make her happy. I decided to take a trip to the beach with my children. To make it cheaper, I am sharing the house with a good friend and her kids (we've known each other 12 years, she has a boyfriend, there has never been anything romantic between us and never will be). 

And now fiancee is very upset, dysregulated, tearful, rageful, spiteful and playing the victim card to the hilt.

She stated today: I don't know why I get to be so hurt and you get to have a beach vacation.

How do I put this into perspective? I know that I don't deserve the guilt trip but dang I am so good at trying to fix her feelings and make her feel better. HELP!

Any ideas are appreciated. How I can cope with this guilt trip and how to set boundaries around how long I am going to 'pay' for making this trip.  It's seven weeks away and that is a loong guilt trip.

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[vortex of confusion]

Are there ways that you can validate her upset without budging about your trip?

Yes, she is upset but don't let that sway you. What is it that she is wanting from you? Is there any way that you can do something special with her without the kids before the trip to build her up a bit?

My husband and I went through a period where he didn't want to share me with the kids. Him and the kids would get into this push/pull thing over me. It was crazy. At some point, I had to sit down with him and try to explain to him that he is an adult and needs to get over it. It took quite a few conversations and lots of "discussing" but I think we are finally past that stage. It took lots of persistence and talking on my part. I also tried to set aside time for just him. It didn't always work though.

There was a lot of validation with things like: I know you want to spend time with me. I know that it bugs you when the kids interrupt our time.

[Olinda]

She doesn't seem to want validation of her feelings. She wants validation of her perspective and interpretation that this is a betrayal and an intentionally hurtful thing I am doing to her.

[vortex of confusion]

She doesn't seem to want validation of her feelings. She wants validation of her perspective and interpretation that this is a betrayal and an intentionally hurtful thing I am doing to her.

Can you ask her to help you understand how this is a betrayal? Can you ask her to help you understand her perspective?

[Notwendy]

I think I can give you some perspective as a child of a mother with BPD, and also someone in a r/s with a person with similar traits. While we all have our personal reasons for being in such a r/s, our children did not make the same choice, yet they are affected by the stresses.

IMHO, your fiancee is going to feel bad about being left out on this trip no matter how much you try to validate or explain. If you relent and bring her, then you will reinforce her bad behavior. This was how it was done in our family. Mom would basically torment dad until he gave in to her, which he always did and then he recruited us to do it as well. She ruled over all of us by behaving badly.  

If dad had taken us to the beach without mom, we'd have been over the moon. The only time we got away from the drama was sleep away camp, which we thought was the best place in the world. The other piece of sanity was when we got to stay with other more stable family members. Your fiancee may not like it that this female friend is at the beach too, but if that friend is stable, then she can be a stable force in your kids' lives.

Since my H is good to the kids, and only rages with me, it doesn't impact them. They unfortunately witnessed some arguments between us which was stressful to them, it was thankfully less of an issue since they were not involved in the drama between us.

Recently the now adult kids all took a family trip without inviting mom. She was mad, raged, said horrible things. Yes, I understand that she felt left out and hurt, but we wanted a family get together without her drama and stuck to our boudaries even if she thought we were horrible for doing so. She also played the victim of her horrible children telling us how dare we do this and how could we and refused to speak to us for a while. A few weeks later, she came around, acting as if everything was fine.

I hope that you also do that for your kids. Have fun at the beach. They deserve some time with you.

[Olinda]

I am definitely going on the trip, want some time with my kids.

Thanks for your perspective. I appreciate it.

[takingandsending]

Hi Olinda.

I have experienced similar drama as you with my uBPDw and my two kids. Sometimes, I just want to have uncomplicated time with the kids, and not feel guilty about it. I really admire you taking care of yourself and your kids in this way, and it is absolutely the right thing and good thing to do. 

Like VOC, I think you just have to allow your finacee to have her feelings. Remember, the 300 pound gorilla in the room is the fear of abandonment. Funny, my wife insists that she has no issues with abandonment, yet I see it there in so many of her behaviors ... .when I remember to look. So, even if your fiancee never speaks of being afraid, that's what she is hearing in every thought and speaking in every action. When you view things in that way, maybe you can find a way to reassure her that you love her without invalidating. Even if you can't or simply don't want to, stay strong in your resolve to do what is right for you and your kids.

Much love to you and your family.