Finally made it

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For those who have seen my post in undecided, BPDgf has landed herself in a world of serious trouble. Although she has said very little about it, I'm getting constant updates from friends of hers who are concerned for her, feel badly for me and are wondering what the hell is going on.

Tonight, I'd had enough after her latest posts on FB were challenging unknown men to see if she was wearing underwear. That coupled with her exbf being in touch to let me know she is stalking him right now despite her having an RO out against him. The last string keeping me tied to her snapped and I find myself here.

I sent her a text message earlier to ask what day would be best to drop her things off and she got upset. Rather than feeling badly, I rephrased the text to let her know I WILL be dropping her things off this week. She wanted to know why so I told her that I only have room in my life now for people who want to be in it, not for people who come and go as they please and certainly not for people who turn up when they have an issue but can't be bothered when the situation is reversed. Relationships and friendships are based on mutual respect and there is none of that in our relationship. I wished her well and that I hope she finds happiness in whatever she does.

There has been no response since from her but her friend seems to think she is now trying to find something to keep me tied. I already know what she is going to try but I just feel that I dont care anymore. Its been an emotionally and mentally draining couple of months and although she hasn't been nasty or abusive towards me, it has still been hurtful. She calls or appears when she has a crisis then disappears when everything is good for her. I'm not doing it anymore, she is digging herself further into serious trouble and its time now to let her get on with it.

Its going to be a hard week as this week was our anniversary and I'm feeling it too but I just can't allow it to continue any longer.

[Ripped Heart]

For those who have seen my post in undecided, BPDgf has landed herself in a world of serious trouble. Although she has said very little about it, I'm getting constant updates from friends of hers who are concerned for her, feel badly for me and are wondering what the hell is going on.

Tonight, I'd had enough after her latest posts on FB were challenging unknown men to see if she was wearing underwear. That coupled with her exbf being in touch to let me know she is stalking him right now despite her having an RO out against him. The last string keeping me tied to her snapped and I find myself here.

I sent her a text message earlier to ask what day would be best to drop her things off and she got upset. Rather than feeling badly, I rephrased the text to let her know I WILL be dropping her things off this week. She wanted to know why so I told her that I only have room in my life now for people who want to be in it, not for people who come and go as they please and certainly not for people who turn up when they have an issue but can't be bothered when the situation is reversed. Relationships and friendships are based on mutual respect and there is none of that in our relationship. I wished her well and that I hope she finds happiness in whatever she does.

There has been no response since from her but her friend seems to think she is now trying to find something to keep me tied. I already know what she is going to try but I just feel that I dont care anymore. Its been an emotionally and mentally draining couple of months and although she hasn't been nasty or abusive towards me, it has still been hurtful. She calls or appears when she has a crisis then disappears when everything is good for her. I'm not doing it anymore, she is digging herself further into serious trouble and its time now to let her get on with it.

Its going to be a hard week as this week was our anniversary and I'm feeling it too but I just can't allow it to continue any longer.

[patientandclear]

Ripped, I just want to say I think this is a really good decision.  And I know it will hurt and be hard to sustain.  (Ask me how I know that!  )

I hope you'll post when you find it particularly tough or confusing as you work your way through the emotional aftermath.  You've already done a ton of important work, so maybe your journey will be more compact and fast than mine has been.  Regardless, if you need help, please post.

[cloudten]

 

You can do it! I love using the phrase "I don't care"... .I have been using it a lot in the past 2 weeks... .and the more I use it, the more it becomes true. I am finding it empowering to admit that I don't care... .I just don't care! It's freeing!

I think you need to assert yourself with the friends and say "I don't care about miss BPD. I don't care what she is doing. She is not my problem anymore. Please stop giving me news updates because I do not want to hear it  nor do I care"

[Ripped Heart]

I got a response this morning to say that she didn't reply because she was thinking of how to reply. That everything online was just banter between friends. That I was being paranoid and she was still angry that I accused her of cheating in December.

That's when it all came out. I told her I knew she had because she inadverntently sent me the pic of her in bed with another guy. Told her I couldn't take the lies and cover ups any more and that I dont need that in my life. I told her I do love and care about her but there has been too much damage and that I'm not going to be there any more when she has a crisis only to be pushed aside when everything is alright again. I wished her happiness and said goodbye before blocking her number and going NC.

It helped I had T appointment today to talk it all through. Right now my emotions are all over the place but I've got activities set with friends everyday this week to keep me distracted. I know before the week is out I'm going to get suicide threats from her and I spoke to T about why that hooks me back in. I fear that if I dont respond, she will go a step further and I will feel responsible for that. I've just got to remain focussed now because I know its coming.

[cloudten]

Wow RH, good for you!

I think there is a less than 1 in 10 chance she would actually kill herself. If she is involved with replacements, I think the odds of her actually killing herself are much much less... .much less. She'll just attach more to them instead. I highly encourage yourself to ignore all threats. They are empty.

Besides- I doubt she didn't realize she sent you that pic. I could see that being intentional.

I am glad you have plans. I think it truly helps me to have plans with friends... .or plans to do something creative and constructive on my own.

I am finding that when I am really wanting to text him... .I post here instead. I am finding it HELPS big time. You can always vent to me... .i don't mind. I'm in the same NC boat right now. It's painful and hard.

[goateeki]

Ripped Heart, notice how she comes to you when there's a problem.  My T has impressed upon me how people who are resourceful, who care, who are conscientious and adaptable are TARGETED by pwBPD, whether it is conscious or not. 

I hope that the day comes when someone writes an essay comparing the life cycle of the pwBPD with the life cycle of certain bacteria, viruses, predatory plants, etc.  It is just incredible to me how proficient these people are at exploiting the virtues of others.  It's almost evolutionary in its efficiency. 

[cloudten]

Ripped Heart, notice how she comes to you when there's a problem.  My T has impressed upon me how people who are resourceful, who care, who are conscientious and adaptable are TARGETED by pwBPD, whether it is conscious or not. 

I hope that the day comes when someone writes an essay comparing the life cycle of the pwBPD with the life cycle of certain bacteria, viruses, predatory plants, etc.  It is just incredible to me how proficient these people are at exploiting the virtues of others.  It's almost evolutionary in its efficiency. 

Haha- love that! I would add vulnerable to that list of BPD target-able traits.

[goateeki]

Ripped Heart, notice how she comes to you when there's a problem.  My T has impressed upon me how people who are resourceful, who care, who are conscientious and adaptable are TARGETED by pwBPD, whether it is conscious or not. 

I hope that the day comes when someone writes an essay comparing the life cycle of the pwBPD with the life cycle of certain bacteria, viruses, predatory plants, etc.  It is just incredible to me how proficient these people are at exploiting the virtues of others.  It's almost evolutionary in its efficiency. 

Haha- love that! I would add vulnerable to that list of BPD target-able traits.

Agree.  Over a long period of time, my T has taken me back to the origins of my relationship with my dBPDxw.  He recently said "That was it.  That was when she decided on you... ." after I'd describe some her pre-relationship activity.  I never wanted to go as far as to think that pwBPD target people, but now I think it's possible.  And in my case, I'm inclined to think my T is right about it.   

[OnceConfused]

rippedheart:

The first few weeks will be the hardest as your attaching minh wanders back into the land of regrets, or what ifs. Then it will get easier and easier with each passing day the you will find a sense of quietness, a sense of solitude , a sense of peace and not all the crises.

You will be alone but not lonely as before.

May you have all the green lights.

[Targeted]

Ripped Heart, notice how she comes to you when there's a problem.  My T has impressed upon me how people who are resourceful, who care, who are conscientious and adaptable are TARGETED by pwBPD, whether it is conscious or not. 

I hope that the day comes when someone writes an essay comparing the life cycle of the pwBPD with the life cycle of certain bacteria, viruses, predatory plants, etc.  It is just incredible to me how proficient these people are at exploiting the virtues of others.  It's almost evolutionary in its efficiency. 

Haha- love that! I would add vulnerable to that list of BPD target-able traits.

I agree! My exUBPDgf knew I came out of a long term relationship that lacked intimacy, she already knew what hook to use. My vulnerability!  After we ended in typical fashion of being painted black and smeared, called the devil and a devil worshiper, a pervert, alcoholic, crazy, and on and on, then calling child services on me multiple times because I would not give in! She wanted to talk months later about a family issue she had with her mom that was upsetting her because I would understand?  Said we could talk just as friends?  Her voice was so down sounding it was depressing! She did not even address me by name, just said " Ya, hi it's me. "  even reiterated her phone number at the end!  I've known her for 10 years!  Like I don't know her number! It was so hard for me to remain N/C on that but I managed!  She knows my vulnerabilities and I care the way I do about family,  she should have thought about that while on her dating site or while she was on the phone with CPS those three times how much I cared and love family and family values!  Her problem now, not mine!   Ripped, I read your post on your gf and hope you can leave her problem hers,  it's very hard for good hearted people to do!

[Ripped Heart]

That's so true guys. My T is a relational therapist meaning that we examine patterns and cycles in order to identify them and see where we can break the cycle. She's impressed at how far I've come over the past couple of months and the changes I'm starting to make in myself. A large part of that goes to you people here too because it has added that extra dimension and provided certain answers that I would never get from pwBPD.

Herein lies my problem. I'm drawn to these kinds of relationships as they are drawn to me. My FOO plays a big part, I've been married to a pwNPD/BPD and now a relationship with pwBPD and prior to both of those, was in a 10 year r/s with someone else who was emotionally unstable and had many of the same qualities but possibly not enough to be considered pwBPD.

My issue is that I given my past, these r/s feel natural to me because it's what I'm used to. So to break free from it completely and not fall into the same pattern again means new unchartered territory. Again, how do you describe to someone what an orange tastes like if you've never eaten an orange 

I also have something else to contend with right now. Having Aspergers, my mind is in complete overdrive, it's absorbing everything like a sponge and I have no way of slowing it down. For those of you who can remember exam revision, imagine revising for every exam all at the same time. This will continue until at some point, I'll just shut down completely. I've been out tonight with a couple of friends, got plans for the rest of the week to keep me occupied but again, it's a catch 22 because that also uses energy.

The NC for me right now is because I simply do not have enough room in my head for her so I need to do that to try and deal with what I know is coming up for me and ride out the storm. At the moment the emotions are way behind but they are coming.

T pointed out today that of the 3 relationships, this is the first one I've walked away from and established a firm boundary. Even in my highly abusive marriage I stayed until she pulled the plug because I was afraid to let go. I've even managed to let go with love and care but knowing that things will not get better.

Tonight she is out drinking with another entourage of men, given what happened last weekend it's probably not the best thing for her to be doing but that's her choice. She also drove into the city and had been banned twice for drink driving so again, not really ideal. Those are her choices to make and her consequences to carry should it go wrong, not mine. Those are also things I didn't want or need to know, I know her friends mean well because some are worried and concerned, others just want to see her fall, but it's no longer my problem to deal with. I know I'm probably going to be painted black as I'm the one who pulled the plug but to be honest, I know who I am, I now know my limitations and I know that I did everything I could to try and save her from taking the path she chose. That wasn't my job to do that and if someone is determined, there is nothing you can do to stop it, even if you know how it's going to end for them.

I'm deserving of much more, I'm deserving of finding someone who will meet me in the middle with things. Right now though, I'm not ready for any of that. I have a lot of work to do on myself as much of what is going on right now is new ground for me and I need to keep building so that I don't revert to the same cycles and fall into the same trap. After my marriage, I focused on the external, recognising what constitutes as abuse. I learned something new today from my T, there is actually something called financial abuse which I've now learned about  Each step is a learning curve and rather than focus on the external this time, it's about focusing on the internal. These are my patterns and my cycles which draw me in and it's these I need to continue to break 

[Targeted]

If I may,

I am far from narcissistic, but look at this because we are focused on what we are is that I need a little more of that for myself, i matter too! I have a narc deficit!  Others matter more to me than I matter to myself!  I don't want to be self absorbed and hurt people but if I don't matter to myself on a healthy level I can't be healthy for anyone, npd is a abundance of the trait but there is also a healthy level,   its ok to love and respect yourself in a healthy way!

[Ripped Heart]

If I may,

I am far from narcissistic, but look at this because we are focused on what we are is that I need a little more of that for myself, i matter too! I have a narc deficit!  Others matter more to me than I matter to myself!  I don't want to be self absorbed and hurt people but if I don't matter to myself on a healthy level I can't be healthy for anyone, npd is ea abundance of the trait but there is also a healthy level,   its ok to love and respect yourself in a healthy way!

This is exactly what my issues seems to be. Aside from the basic needs I provide for myself, others matter more to me. Making sure others are happy and provided for means more to me than providing for myself. I fear hurting others feelings so generally dont say anything when something bothers or upsets me. I usually take myself to a quiet corner and deal with it myself.

Working it through with my T, my father was NPD and I've dedicated my life to bring the complete opposite of him. Now its about finding a healthy balance and I think you have a great insight on this targeted 

[Targeted]

I am working on this with my counsellor as well, for me it has a lot to do with strengthening  my boundaries, I do have them but they are more like just wrapping yellow caution tape around a few cheap plastic spikes instead of a sturdy well built fence with a nice gate so i can decide who can and cannot come in, and who can stay as well as who has to be asked to leave! My boundaries Were yellow caution tape so I did not offend anyone and hurt their feelings but they are too easy to walk over and the only feelings that get hurt are mine. It has taken me time to realise that our boundaries are a representation of how much we love ourselves, if the right person sees yellow caution tape they will know to walk all over you, and just as well if the right person sees A well-built fence with a beautiful gate they should know that there is something good behind it and what they can and cannot do once inside or they may be asked to exit. Forgiveness should be reserved for those inside Who may lean against your boundaries are little bit, but if someone manages to find a bulldozer and plow right through them they obviously created their own exit. Cheating is a major boundary buster but when she did I did not love myself enough to let her go because I loved her more than I love myself. When I got verbally abused I did the same thing for the same reasons, when I was financially abused I did the same thing for the same reasons, I did the same thing right down the line with all the boundaries that were broken. I may not have done the actual things that Hurt me so much But I allowed them!  That is a hard enough pill to swallow! I'm not saying I'm perfect and never do anything wrong but if I do something wrong that hurts someone I always try my best to fix it and make it right because if I hurt somebody else it hurts me too! it is a shame that some people are incapable of reciprocating that.

[HappyNihilist]

  Welcome to the Other Side, Ripped Heart!

I've followed your story on the Staying and Undecided boards. You are obviously a man of integrity, character, compassion, and caring. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself and enforcing your boundaries.  

Aside from the basic needs I provide for myself, others matter more to me. Making sure others are happy and provided for means more to me than providing for myself. I fear hurting others feelings so generally dont say anything when something bothers or upsets me. I usually take myself to a quiet corner and deal with it myself.

I definitely understand. My greatest fear is to be a burden to anyone. I have a hard time feeling lovable or worthy unless I'm sacrificing myself for someone else's comfort and security.

The great thing about my BPD relationship is that it showed me these things, reopened those FOO wounds so that I could see and process them, broke me down to my barest and most vulnerable inner self -- and proved to me that I have an inner self, and a pretty damn resilient one. I realized that I truly do like who I am. Now what's left is to rebuild, keeping what I like and what works, discarding what isn't beneficial or healthy.

Another member said on one of the Leaving threads (I can't remember who right now, my apologies)... .detaching/healing is not an event, it's a process. Rebuilding ourselves is a process, a journey... .as long as we keep taking more steps forward than backwards, we are on the right path... . 

[Ripped Heart]

Its most definitely been a process HappyNihilist. I even felt bad for naming this post the way I did because its not like I wanted to end up here. However, you can only hold on to hope for so long before it starts to hurt and when you realise that change is coming in yourself but that the other person doesn't want to or is incapable, you either continue to hurt yourself or you keep moving forward.

This was the board I didn't want to arrive at and felt as long as exBPDgf was holding on, I would too. Only these past couple of weeks I realised she wasn't holding on to me, just holding on to what I could offer and that I was doing as you said, sacrificing myself for her comfort and security. Only the more I sacrificed, the more demanding it became and eventually something had to give before I broke.

The journey forward is frightening but also exciting. I have a pretty good sense of self, I just choose to ignore it in favour of giving to others. The work with T had exposed some core vulnerabilities but I'm starting to turn around my thinking. I can provide solutions and answers to others, comfort when they feel vulnerable, kind words when they are upset so I dont have to relearn all the tools, just instead of projecting that outwards to comfort others. Use what I know when I feel that way. Its just that feels so alien right now.

Working with T, I've been able to uphold my boundaries longer than I've ever done before and although I've relaxed them on occasion the past couple of weeks, its been because I've wanted to, not because its been forced. I was able to confront exBPDgf over the cheating where in January, I was afraid it might cause her pain and upset so I didn't. Now I've been able to take control over how I feel and not take on the responsibility of her actions. Essentially ridding myself of everybody else's clutter and handing responsibility back to them.

Its even improved my relationship with my mother (udpwBPD?) because I'm refusing to take ownership of her responsibilities too. Something I noticed over recent weeks as I began to change and gather strength is both exBPDgf and my mother started mirroring me. I think partly with my mother is that she has come to realise I can't be put down any more and the more she tries to sabotage my life, the more I put distance between us.

ExBPDgf is going to make an appearance before the weekend is out but to be honest, every day I'm feeling stronger and because I know its coming, I'm actually ready for it instead of worrying about it.

[Grey Kitty]

  Ripped, you sound like you are doing pretty well, given all you are going through.

I don't have much advice for you, and I haven't been in your shoes yet either... .although I may be soon enough. (My latest post is on Undecided, and I'll likely be here eventually!)

I know before the week is out I'm going to get suicide threats from her and I spoke to T about why that hooks me back in. I fear that if I dont respond, she will go a step further and I will feel responsible for that. I've just got to remain focussed now because I know its coming.

If you do hear a suicide threat from her, there are two things going on:

1. She's doing it to yank you back in. (Not healthy for you!)

2. Her life is at risk. (Not really your problem... .yet not something you can ignore and feel good about yourself!)

The right thing to do is to involve professionals who can help her. Give her the number of a suicide hotline (local if you can find one!), and ask her to call them, or try to conference them in if you are talking to her.

If you know where she is and she won't get help, ask the police/emergency services to do a "wellness check" on her, telling them about the suicide threat.

You should get her help, without involving yourself in saving her. It is the right thing to do. She probably won't like it. That is not your problem either.

[Ripped Heart]

To be honest grey kitty, I think some of it is autopilot right now and some of it has to do with acceptance. I think the cheating in December was what tipped me over the scale but I was hanging on to any shred I possibly could. Once I learned it was ok to let go and that a lot of my own pain was being caused by me holding on, its been a very mixed week.

I've felt relief but also guilt for feeling relieved. I've had moments where I miss the chaos but then moments of calm when I realise that wasn't my chaos. I've focused on the things I've wanted to do and been out every night this week so far with friends. I rarely drink and neither do my friends so its been calm and peaceful nights out without drama and full of laughter. Sometimes Ive felt a little guilty for that but then that's how I envisioned life, full of good times, the occasional bad time but full of fun and being able to relax without fear.

I wake up every morning to someone suggesting something fun to do and not feel pressured into doing anything. If I decide I want some time to myself, people understand and include me the following day. My life with exBPDgf revolved around her, if I didn't feel up to something there was always a fear there. To her it meant I was becoming distant and out would come pressure or drama.

Its not that I dont miss her, because I do. I miss the time we did spend together and the places we went. I feel sad that she can't join in any of this and also feel more at ease.

Getting me through has been using what I learned from my old T, the mindfulness lessons he taught me. When I feel sad, remember how it would have been if she was involved. The drama that would be created to isolate me from my friends. Spending everything I had on her where my friends usually share in the cost of things.

Coupled with what I'm learning with new T, I recognise my own patterns and systematically breaking the cycles and patterns. The more I do, the newer and exciting everything feels because its all a new experience and I feel myself getting healthier. I'm learning its ok to say no and that people dont mind. Most importantly I'm learning to be comfortable with who I am and I'm enjoying the changes that come with that.

I lost someone who I care deeply about but I accept that I can't change that. All I can do is continue down my own path, make the changes I want to make and see where it takes me. I still have fears, I'm still a little apprehensive and some of it is still new and confusing at times but its all part of learning and healing. The more I learn and understand my own patterns and cycles, the easier it is to break and ensure I dont find myself back in the same cycle. And if I do, I know how to remove myself from it.

When the threats come, I will do as you say rather than accept that responsibility. There is still a fear there because its new and not a cycle I've managed to break yet. However, once I do it the first time I'll have more understanding for when it occurs again. I know I haven't heard the last from exBPDgf because her patterns are predictable but because I know that I can keep myself steadfast when it does arise