my lesson #1

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So... .today is day 1 of NC after a very long breakup/recycle session that lasted 2.5 years. uBPDxbf

you can read all about my story everywhere here and in undecided or on my profile... .warning it is very long.

I am going to work my way thru the lessons, and here is my lesson 1.


Post on the leaving board: What is your story? See my profile. It is that and soo much more.

Post on the leaving board: Where are you in the grieving process?

I am working on the acceptance stage With some anger stage due to recent events. I am sad that I will likely never ever talk to him again. He is my best friend... .so it's a hard pill to swallow.  But I am eager for my future. I am eager to move forward. I am eager to get myself fixed the right way this time so I don't recycle. And I am so happy to be here.  Between this forum, therapy, and some real life friends, I feel like I have adequate support this time!

Post on the leaving board: What do you struggle with most?  Well... .NC. it's super hard right now to maintain it, but I know it is for the best. I will struggle with this hard for the next 3-5 days... .then it will ease up until he contacts me again. I am trying to decide if I should block him or not. I am just as likely to break NC as he is. I do miss him... .the good him.

[cloudten]

So... .today is day 1 of NC after a very long breakup/recycle session that lasted 2.5 years. uBPDxbf

you can read all about my story everywhere here and in undecided or on my profile... .warning it is very long.

I am going to work my way thru the lessons, and here is my lesson 1.


Post on the leaving board: What is your story? See my profile. It is that and soo much more.

Post on the leaving board: Where are you in the grieving process?

I am working on the acceptance stage With some anger stage due to recent events. I am sad that I will likely never ever talk to him again. He is my best friend... .so it's a hard pill to swallow.  But I am eager for my future. I am eager to move forward. I am eager to get myself fixed the right way this time so I don't recycle. And I am so happy to be here.  Between this forum, therapy, and some real life friends, I feel like I have adequate support this time!

Post on the leaving board: What do you struggle with most?  Well... .NC. it's super hard right now to maintain it, but I know it is for the best. I will struggle with this hard for the next 3-5 days... .then it will ease up until he contacts me again. I am trying to decide if I should block him or not. I am just as likely to break NC as he is. I do miss him... .the good him.

[wavelife]

I miss her... .the good her too

I held on to the more rare moments where she was good and held on to the marriage that was doomed before it started.

It's a long road but gets better with time.  Some days are great some are horrible.  I bounce between acceptance, relief, anger and heart ache.  Heart ache is getting less.  Anger is still there but only moments not hours or days.  FOG keeps lifting and I see it clearer everyday. NC is the only way, have done the process before and I know we will all get to a much better place.

I know I am a good man, attractive and a catch and life is only going to get better from here.

This board has been so good on many levels.

All I can say is one day at a time, one step at a time.  Go through the process of healing not around it.

So much support here, you have got this!  Go for it and smile!

[cloudten]

I miss her... .the good her too

I held on to the more rare moments where she was good and held on to the marriage that was doomed before it started.

It's a long road but gets better with time.  Some days are great some are horrible.  I bounce between acceptance, relief, anger and heart ache.  Heart ache is getting less.  Anger is still there but only moments not hours or days.  FOG keeps lifting and I see it clearer everyday. NC is the only way, have done the process before and I know we will all get to a much better place.

I know I am a good man, attractive and a catch and life is only going to get better from here.

This board has been so good on many levels.

All I can say is one day at a time, one step at a time.  Go through the process of healing not around it.

So much support here, you have got this!  Go for it and smile!

I found myself smiling for no reason today just walking through the grocery store. It's amazing how much happier I am starting to feel already! The first time we broke up it probably took 3-4 months to get to where I am currently, although that was with LC. I think I am much farther along in the process this time. I think my head and heart agree that this is right. I will still miss him, so much, no matter what... .But I also missed being happy and I missed feeling like i have a whole great life ahead of me! When I was with him, I saw it was doomed. I didn't want to get stuck in a marriage, and I didn't want to have children with him. I think pwBPD really mess up their children emotionally and mentally- and I would feel more guilt about knowingly bringing a child into that mess.  I feel a bit of guilt now for leaving him over a mental illness, but not nearly the kind of guilt I would feel knowingly giving life to a child who has a mentally ill parent that will mess them up.

One foot in front of the other!

I can relate though. I know I am a good person (I hate saying that- so black/white). I know I am attractive. I know I have a lot to offer someone when my heart is healed. I am so looking forward to getting back out there. Not so much to the dating- but just to the excitement and possibilities. I know love will find me again when its right.

Good luck! Thanks for the support- I find this is helping SOO much! I didn't text him this morning- instead I wrote this.

[cloudten]

I am not going to lie though- I keep looking at my phone wishing he would text me. But I don't want him to text me. I think its just that part of me that wants to feel wanted.

[wavelife]

I understand about the looking at the phone wishing.  Although it is with mixed feelings... .I don't ever want to talk to her again but I still wish I could have some sort of an apology from her for all the hurt she caused... .not holding my breath though!  Leopards do not change their spots!

[cloudten]

I understand about the looking at the phone wishing.  Although it is with mixed feelings... .I don't ever want to talk to her again but I still wish I could have some sort of an apology from her for all the hurt she caused... .not holding my breath though!  Leopards do not change their spots!

I don't think they know how to apologize. . Actually, now that i think way back to 2 years ago... .he told me that I apologize too much... .and that his family never apologizes.     Wish I had thought that one thru.

But no- leopards don't change their spots... .i was just thinking that earlier today. It's sick and sad.

[Gonzalo]

I don't think they know how to apologize. . Actually, now that i think way back to 2 years ago... .he told me that I apologize too much... .and that his family never apologizes.     Wish I had thought that one thru.

Mine knew well how to apologize, and would demand that I apologize all the time and give me stuff I was supposed to say. It was very therapy-languaged, and I tried to take it as being 'what you're supposed to do'... .but I couldn't shake the realization that she didn't apologize, and that my apologies were supposed to be sweeping, grand affairs of how terribly I wronged her while the ones she occasionally eeked out were very weak and specific. I remember having an exchange like "You're right, I shouldn't be raising my voice, I'm sorry I got upset and did that." "Thank you." back to discussion, then shouting, and "Would you please stop raising your voice at me, I'm really trying hard to keep this calm." "Oh my god stop trying to control me and blame this argument on me!".

Oh, she absolutely hated the honest "I'm sorry that what I said hurt you, but I'm not going to change my mind/don't think I'm wrong/still have a problem with this". Supposedly the apology was just about making her feel better/appreciated, but in actuality it had to include me surrendering to whatever she wanted or it didn't count as real. (Earlier I tried the technique of apologizing, then bringing up the 'but' later in calmer times instead of immediately, but that resulted in me being accused of lying).

[ManyPieces]

I understand about the looking at the phone wishing.  Although it is with mixed feelings... .I don't ever want to talk to her again but I still wish I could have some sort of an apology from her for all the hurt she caused... .not holding my breath though!  Leopards do not change their spots!

I don't think they know how to apologize. . Actually, now that i think way back to 2 years ago... .he told me that I apologize too much... . and that his family never apologizes.     Wish I had thought that one thru.

But no- leopards don't change their spots... .i was just thinking that earlier today. It's sick and sad.

My ex broke upw ith em teh first time because i apologized too much... .i just am a compassionate person and was so suprised and hurt when he said this. It shouldnt be a fault. Oh and he didnt know how to apologize either, when he would say sorry it didnt feel legit

[cloudten]

My ex broke upw ith em teh first time because i apologized too much... .i just am a compassionate person and was so suprised and hurt when he said this. It shouldnt be a fault. Oh and he didnt know how to apologize either, when he would say sorry it didnt feel legit[/quote]
Oh yeah- it was never a legit apology- and it usually prefaced with me saying "aren't you going to apologize?"  If he did apologize, then it was usually not even an apology corresponding to the right thing... .like he would say he was sorry he didn't want his picture taken, but not sorry for yelling in front of his whole family that he didn't want ME in the picture... .or even sorry that he had hurt my feelings.

#SO FRUSTRATING#