Making sense of it all

[TenderSurrender]

Hi all.  How goes it?  New to the board here.  What a great board this is.  I've been reading people's posts for a while.

I thought I'd write in about a friend in my life of about four years.  Not quite a significant other, but there was the possibility.  She's almost thirteen years older than me, so in her early 50s now.  We had a great shared rapport but it's gone bad in a way I'm still making sense of.  In the beginning, she was really kind of a friend that seemed interested in casual sex, which kind of threw me off.  It was an intense flirtation, but I kind of decided to humorously sidestep that due some lingering things she had going on in her life that seemed a bit chaotic.  We had gotten pretty close though as friends (you've probably heard this a lot).  There was a definite attraction between us, which led me to wonder about whether dating was a good idea to pursue or not (oddly enough, much later she actually told me our first few hangouts *were* dates which I had no idea, and no one would have ever thought that either).  But the question marks lingered, and somehow in us talking about dating, I felt the context was still the same, couched in her serious pursuance of sex.  I knew it would require me to sort of circle back and work off of a deeper course of action.  This meant building on an idea of how this would even work with the age thing, and also me figuring out why the casual sex thing was so prevalent in her life.  She's been single for about 13 years now despite seemingly wanting a partner.  All combined, despite being puzzled, I took my sense of logic, and I took the cues of her age to determine that the logic didn't click, but I still seemed to work off the better parts as my guide to her anyway (while obviously glossing over certain things, too).

The friendship and everything about the rapport devolved as soon as she moved two hours away for what was to be one year.  She'd come back  to visit a lot, and I could have driven to see her at any time, but somehow I felt a chill in the air, and I rarely if ever saw her.  But this felt unusual.  I began to feel pushed out, and I was basically eventually initiating all the communicating and plans myself, and what we did set up often got ignored.  She became mostly a replier.  If I calmly expressed this gnawing feeling of being pushed out, or that I didn't like us making the plans or the call plans and then having someone disappear, I was told that she was busy (even though she and I made the plans) or that I was making up drama that she said didn't even exist.  I was even randomly once told I'd kicked her out of my life for two weeks.  This kept happening intermittently despite my pleas that we not do that, and it was very disorienting and incredibly disheartening.

I keep asking myself, "Am I missing something?"  "Am I mistaken?"  She's successful, incredibly popular and very social (and very flirtatious).  But after two and a half years of these ramped up bizarre interactions, I kept wondering how these instincts could be wrong.  I have hundreds of friends in the city I live in and none of my relationships have ever been like this.  I'm known as a really stand-up person in my extended circle.  This feels like something... .else.  She did tell me no long ago that a few people no longer talk to her because they could never get in touch with her, which doesn't make sense to me.  I asked a few friends who are therapists and one of them suspected BPD was at play, which led me here.  Obviously I don't know for sure, so I'm not going to make that call.  At the very least, all of them had an uneasy thought about the situation.

I've had so many conflicting thoughts and emotions.  I feel alone and anxious a lot because she's still in my social media orbit, but there's no contact.  I now have a ghost in my midst.  I feel like any people we now have in common wouldn't believe me or give me the benefit of the doubt if I said I'd experienced this.  I feel like there's probably no support.  I'm not someone that likes to get into back and forths.  She would certainly not acknowledge treating me badly.  My aim is not to trash or malign anybody, or to hurt someone or pull those mutual people over to my side.  That's certainly not right of anyone to do.  I just don't want anyone else telling me I didn't experience this or was a troublemaker.  Ultimately, it's not really about whatever the sex or romance bit represented, although that was puzzling, it's just more about this nagging feeling that I've outlived some sort of purpose.  I didn't know what was gonna happen when she and I started hanging out.  I had no expectations as to what would happen other than the fact that when someone tells me I'm incredibly important to him or her after a year and change, my obligation is generally to do what anyone in that position would reasonably be expected to do, which is to just continue growing the vibe organically and be a good presence in that person's life.

I feel like a fool for letting this get to me and for trying to sort it out for so long.  From what I've gathered, this happens a lot.  The decline of this relationship has been going on for way too long.

I feel like I've been harmed somehow by the experience and I can't shake it.  And I even miss the good times.  Like I said, this person is still on my social media wall, and I don't know what the course of action is.  I don't even want to say goodbye as I'm a bit afraid of ending up in a confrontation, but just cutting someone off without warning feels wrong, too.  I might have to see her around at birthdays and such.  Obviously this isn't someone that will ever try to be part of my life again, and probably cut bait a long time ago.  Heck, she probably thinks I've cut her out since I haven't reached out in a few months even though my line is always open for anybody.

How no one else could be picking up on anything?  Does no one see anything strange?  If so, are they just keeping the thoughts to themselves?  Are they maybe just enjoying being in the midst of a high-energy social persona?  It boggles the mind,

Thanks very much for reading.  My sincerest apologies for the long length, but I'm glad to be here.  I figured a dialogue to suss it out might do me some good.

[Copperfox]

Hey Tender, welcome to the board.  You story is definitely interesting, certainly some odd behavior.  Though I'm not entirely sure exactly what you're asking?  What is it you want out of this situation long term?

[TenderSurrender]

Hey Tender, welcome to the board.  You story is definitely interesting, certainly some odd behavior.  Though I'm not entirely sure exactly what you're asking?  What is it you want out of this situation long term?

Thank you for having me.    That's a very good question.  I wrestled with that.  Ideally, I would have just wanted to have a healthy rapport, to just have a relationship without worrying about what it was.  I guess the interest in sex towards me really propelled the whole thing pretty fast, but I know now that I would never have gone in on what she was after, even in hindsight.  I just don't understand whether she liked me personally, or at all, or whether the friendship, or any of it was real.  Did I ever really know this person?  I guess the fact that someone has been so dismissive towards me isn't something easily put out of my mind.  And she's never gonna feel any pang of regret for any of that behavior.  So I know that would make it hard to continue on in any capacity.

So I guess I just feel sad at having someone stop communicating.  I know what I'm capable of and how far I'll go for anyone in my life.  No matter how good one wants to be with people, it's not always enough if someone doesn't see the value in that.  I have good people in my life, and I'm glad to have them, and that's something I will continue to embrace.  I'm healthy enough to know that no one deserves to be treated in that fashion by a person, but I'm probably just stuck in this middle ground now with shared friends and that's probably the tricky part.  I've generally tried to focus on my own life lately and do all my busy work. but the mind certainly has a way of drifting back into this stuff.

[Copperfox]

Well it sounds like you are on the right track.  Ruminations are common in these situations ... .wondering about the what if's.  I wouldn't worry about it too much, just part of the process.

At the end of the day, what she chooses to do is her own choice, likely a reflection of her internal feelings, her internal turmoil.  It doesn't necessarily reflect on you and/or may have nothing to do with anything you did.

[TenderSurrender]

I appreciate that, Copperfox.  You're very kind.  One of these therapists is an old friend of 20 years, and he said what happens as far as what I do from here on out is about honoring my own process, meaning honoring what the most humane way I've felt to deal with people has been in my life, and about taking care of my own well-being.  I thought the idea of "honoring" one's process was a really poetic way of expressing that thought.  I don't want someone else's words or actions to cause me to be someone I'm not comfortable being.  I hope she finds some peace and topples, if this is a real something, whatever it is.  And I don't mean to be above it all looking down on anybody by saying that.  I surely have my own foibles.  I want at heart to wish her the best, even despite what I've experienced and wishing it had gone better, I just probably can't be in the mix with regards to making that happen.