What to say when you're not to say anything?

[Phoenix77]

Ive been separated for almost a year now, not looking for a divorce, attempting civil communications because of children at this stage.

BPD rules seem so different to other disorders as far as dont tell them you think they are ill. I gave in once before to his begging me to tell him what I thought the problem was. As some of you may have experienced, it didnt go well (this was before I knew the rule).

That was over a year ago and he is again asking me my opinion on what the problem is and why I left. I know he doesnt hear anything that goes against what he sees or believes so the answers to those questions are never accepted.

What do you say when you are not supposed to say the truth?

[Emelie Emelie]

Well you could address the behaviors that led you to leave, without attributing them to BPD.  However I never got anywhere with that approach.  There was/is a complete inability on his part to take any responsibility.  "Calling him" on his behavior, or expressing my hurt, only led to more rage towards me.  Be prepared for that.

[GrowThroughIt]

 

Personally, I would say, the best thing to say is nothing!

It seems to me like, you believe you still have a responsibility to help him, (I feel like that at times about my uBPDex). However, I believe that all grown adults have a responsibility to themselves first and foremost. If they are not willing to explore all possibilities, or make any kind of real effort to look for answers or seek help/change, then why should we (as adults who have a responsibility to ourselves) help these kind of people. I understand that may come across as heartless but really, you will end up destroying yourself, just to help someone who in reality does not want it.

[Phoenix77]

It seems to me like, you believe you still have a responsibility to help him,

Thank you for your replies. Hate to admit but youre totally right. I somehow feel that because I can now see what is going on and how serious it is, and that I do love him, I have to help. I help people get through things all the time, but this is different. At some point I guess I will learn how to let it go.  :'(

[jhkbuzz]

It seems to me like, you believe you still have a responsibility to help him,

Thank you for your replies. Hate to admit but youre totally right. I somehow feel that because I can now see what is going on and how serious it is, and that I do love him, I have to help. I help people get through things all the time, but this is different. At some point I guess I will learn how to let it go.  :'(

I think it's important to accept that, no matter how much you love him, you can't help him.  Many of us here have labored under the illusion that our love for our significant other is so big, so strong, and so encompassing that it could somehow heal them and make them whole. I know I believed it for a long time and it was the single thought that kept me in the chaos for far too long.  It nearly destroyed me.

The truth is that none of us are equipped to deal with a disorder of this magnitude.  If I were in your shoes, I would consider suggesting to him that his questions about his life and the choices he makes would be great ones to discuss with a therapist.

[Suzn]

The truth is that none of us are equipped to deal with a disorder of this magnitude.  If I were in your shoes, I would consider suggesting to him that his questions about his life and the choices he makes would be great ones to discuss with a therapist.

Very good point. It's a freeing experience to hand someone's problems back to them and be able to say "ya know, I don't have all the answers. Maybe someone, such as a T, who is trained to help people identify issues, could help answer your questions."

I think if I were in your shoes this would become my standard response to him. Ts are great teachers and since you will be dealing with him for quite some time have you considered reaching out to one yourself to help you with situations such as these?