He's unable to "step into other's experience"

[Notwendy]

These are great points,GK. One of my issues is that I have had so many good intentions twisted that I get frustrated when that happens and adding frustration to the mix isn't helpful. I will try to be more mindful of how to validate his feelings when he does misinterpret that.

One of my children's friends' told me his mother is ill, and my H heard me validating him " I undertand you are scared. It is scary to have a parent in the hospital". This is something parents do for children, and even for friends and adults. However, by the time one is an adult, hopefully he/she has been validated by parents already and can process feelings in a healthy way.

I asked my H if anyone had spoken to him like this as a child when he was sad or scared. He said no. I realized that if someone did not experience validation, and mostly invalidation, that invalidation is the only way they learned to process. I was subjected to a lot of this too, from my BPD mother, but thankfully there were other adults in my life who did validate me. So while I have these tendencies, I can recognize them for what they are. It is hard to keep this in mind when speaking to a grown adult, but I am going to try to be mindful of how easily he is invalidated.

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[Grey Kitty]

These are great points,GK. One of my issues is that I have had so many good intentions twisted that I get frustrated when that happens and adding frustration to the mix isn't helpful. I will try to be more mindful of how to validate his feelings when he does misinterpret that.

 Start with being mindful of yourself. If YOU are feeling frustrated, that will come out when you attempt to validate. If you are feeling compassion for this guy who was never validated as a kid, and is looking for the invalidation he's used to everywhere, your tone will be right.

[Notwendy]

Thanks GK,

It all comes down to monitoring ourselves. I do admit to having anger and resentment about having well meaning intentions twisted for so many years. He really hid his own inner thoughts well. Sad to think that how his father treated him as a child causes so much pain as an adult. A sad part to me is the projection aspect and blaming others which keeps one from being aware of their part in it. My family growing up was dysfunctional, but thankfully, I was aware of it and so could seek out help. My H's family hides it well.

[Cat Familiar]

These are great points,GK. One of my issues is that I have had so many good intentions twisted that I get frustrated when that happens and adding frustration to the mix isn't helpful. I will try to be more mindful of how to validate his feelings when he does misinterpret that.

 Start with being mindful of yourself. If YOU are feeling frustrated, that will come out when you attempt to validate. If you are feeling compassion for this guy who was never validated as a kid, and is looking for the invalidation he's used to everywhere, your tone will be right.

Great advice, Grey Kitty. And Notwendy, I completely understand how frustrating it is to have one's "well meaning intentions twisted." And when it happens and I've tried to explain, he digs his heels in and just becomes more convinced I'm being selfish or judgmental or some other completely wrong motivation. So now I no longer JADE, but it still burns to think that he's misinterpreted something positive.