Loving yourself unconditionally

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just finished a session with my therapist. It ended with her telling me that I need to work on loving myself unconditionally. Hearing that hit pretty hard, because I know that I don't  love myself unconditionally.

Now, I don't know whether I want to laugh or cry. Laugh because needing to show myself unconditional love is a part of me that I also need to love unconditionally, and cry obviously because of the realization that I am hard on myself and don't love myself unconditionally.

[Mike-X]

I just finished a session with my therapist. It ended with her telling me that I need to work on loving myself unconditionally. Hearing that hit pretty hard, because I know that I don't  love myself unconditionally.

Now, I don't know whether I want to laugh or cry. Laugh because needing to show myself unconditional love is a part of me that I also need to love unconditionally, and cry obviously because of the realization that I am hard on myself and don't love myself unconditionally.

[Michelle27]

My counselor told me the same thing.  It was hard to come to the realization that I have spent my life with compassion and care for everyone EXCEPT myself.  I'm still not even sure how to start... .

[HappyNihilist]

Oh, Mike... .   I feel you. My T tells me the same - I am also way too hard on myself and don't love myself unconditionally.

The irony is that I feel that all people are inherently worthy of love. I'm accepting of other people - we're all just trying to get through life the best way we can. I give a lot of love... .to other people... .not to myself.

I do like myself, and I'm content being me. I find a lot of joy in my life. But I don't love myself unconditionally, and I don't always see the good in me that others seem to.

Because of this, I feel unworthy of anyone else's unconditional love. I don't feel inherently lovable.

Why am I alone exempt from my beliefs about humanity's inherent value? It's in no way beneficial to me to consider myself "special" in this regard. (Especially when I'm such a non-special-feeling nihilist most of the time. )

I hope I get there. I hope you get there, Mike and Michelle. I hope we all do. 

[Samuel S.]

I struggle with this issue immensely as well. I think there are a lot of reasons to consider. Our upbringing may have put us in the philosophy that giving to others than being selfish. A counselor told me that it is okay to take care of oneself. Then, of course, we nonBPDs tend to give more to our BPDs due to wanting to save them and to give them everything we've got. Thus, they take advantage of us so that they directly or indirectly make sure we realize that we are no good at anything. Thus, we doubt ourselves, and that makes it extremely difficult to love ourselves. Thus, when we give so much of ourselves to others, we are looked as being genuine, and we are! It would be definitely wonderful if we could accept the same kind of hospitality from others! For me, it is extremely difficult to receive an act of kindness, but I do and cry tears of happiness and am uncomfortable at the same time.

[Mike-X]

Thanks to you all for sharing. I really appreciate it.

Oh, Mike... .   I feel you. My T tells me the same - I am also way too hard on myself and don't love myself unconditionally.

The irony is that I feel that all people are inherently worthy of love. I'm accepting of other people - we're all just trying to get through life the best way we can. I give a lot of love... .to other people... .not to myself.

I do like myself, and I'm content being me. I find a lot of joy in my life. But I don't love myself unconditionally, and I don't always see the good in me that others seem to.

Because of this, I feel unworthy of anyone else's unconditional love. I don't feel inherently lovable.

Why am I alone exempt from my beliefs about humanity's inherent value? It's in no way beneficial to me to consider myself "special" in this regard. (Especially when I'm such a non-special-feeling nihilist most of the time. )

I hope I get there. I hope you get there, Mike and Michelle. I hope we all do. 

Your post echos much of how I feel. I struggle with receiving praise and unconditional love. Paradoxically, however, I know now that I also search for validation and unconditional love in relationships... .argh! With others, I am working on appreciating the praise and at the very least offering a genuine "Thanks; I appreciate that" in response.

I remember once joking with a girl friend about being like the Walter Matthau character in the Bad News Bears when his estranged daughter, played by Tatum O'Neal, starts trying to make plans with him to do things together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oc2xTMnIwrI

There is some truth to it, at least some sense of not feeling worthy of love from others at times.

Unconditional love for myself? I hadn't really even thought about it. I feel like I have been fortunate in so many ways to have led the life that I have led. However, I am very hard on myself for so many things. Forgiving myself, laughing at my mistakes and missteps, etc. are all difficult. My hope is to catch myself, and just find a way to laugh at myself for being hard on myself. Kill the enemy within me with kindness, forgiveness, and humility.