How do I react or Approach this?

[Shottsy85]

So, my BP boyfriend told me a while ago, honestly, that he likes filling out the random personality test on OKcupid, and it doesn't mean anything and he isn't looking for anyone. (We both made profiles during our brief breakup three years ago, and at the time I only knew he was on it too because it tried to match us together.) He has done his best to be honest with me (supposedly) so I don't worry. I deactivated my account after we got back together, but he likes to do the quizzes. One girl did contact him, and he told me so I wouldn't worry and even set her up with my brother for a date.

Anyways, a few days ago my boyfriend said I should reactivate my account because it might be fun to see how much we match again since now he actually wants to see, and it would be fun to see each other's quiz answers. I wasn't too interested and thought this would be a bad idea, but decided to anyways. I reactivate it and instantly get swarmed by like 40 guys and my boyfriend and I laugh as I tell him what happened and I told him it was a bad idea etc. We joked around about funny responses to some of the messages etc. Anyways, I finally find my boyfriend's profile after he messages me on there this morning, and I go and look at his photos and see that he has in fact put up more recent pics of himself aside from the old ones that were there from 3 years ago.

Why on earth would he put updated photos on a dating site if he isn't looking to attract someone? I don't want to cause a huge war with him, and want to hear his explanation, but I am feeling suspicious now. Recently things have been up and down with our move, and we have had some on and off fights, but overall things have still seemed pretty good between us. Am I just being paranoid? How can I approach this without pushing him into a defensive episode? I was wanting to set the boundary that if he keeps up the profile for the questions he needs to change the status to in a relationship and update it all the way,so people don't get the wrong idea, but I don't want him to then tell me I'm being ridiculous... we live together, and are (well at least I am discussing with him.) marriage, and are coming up on eight years together.


-Shana

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[maxsterling]

Well, not-related here, but I would like to say I met my BPD wife through OK cupid

That aside - this is a tricky situation that many of us face when we are involved with someone who has BPD.  While I can't put myself into his mind, I do have enough experience dealing with this disorder to know that pwBPD have a difficult time committing to nearly everything. Fortunately, I have not had to deal with this particular issue with my wife, but in nearly every other area of her life she is non-committal, second guessing herself, and has difficulty making decisions.  I know in the past she has cheated on partners, dated multiple people at the same time, kept profiles up on dating sites, and gotten tired with one partner and quickly moved on to the next.  I think the "chase" is sometimes a hobby for them.  It helps them not think about themselves and creates a bit of excitement, and helps them feel like they aren't subject to anyone.  I think my wife really struggles with the emotions of being in a committed relationship - the fear that I may leave her, the fear that she has made the wrong decision, the fear of committing to a certain life and a certain lifestyle.  In the past, she would cope with personal distress by changing her identity, moving to a new place, changing jobs, changing dating partners.  Marriage means no longer having that coping mechanism, and that means misery until she finds a new outlet.

My gut feeling in your situation is that he gets some kind of excitement about maintaining a profile.  Whether he acts on anything or not, who knows.  He may just enjoy being flirted with, or he could be searching for someone else.  I'm not sure how to approach him on this.  Obviously, it is upsetting to you, and you need some kind of boundary here.    I don't think any explanation he could give would mean anything at this point, so I wouldn't ask him for one.  If I were you, I would think deeply about what I am ok with and what I am not,  and simply state it as that.  "I know you like maintaining a profile on OKcupid and find the compatibility questions interesting, but I feel that it is inappropriate for a committed relationship.  I would feel happier if you would delete your profile and focus on us."

[WingsOnTheMend]

Oh man. I swear this is something that I could see my BP boyfriend doing as well and thinking nothing of it. I think you need to hold fast to your boundary on this one. OKC is a pretty dicey place to begin being a female just on unsolicited pics sent of guys junk. The quizzes arent really quizzes. They're meant to broaden the range of people you can be matched with on OKC. If he wants to know how you two would fare on answers, there are much better ways to go about that than on an online dating site. There's a great article that the NY Times put up, about 36 questions to fall in love. www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0 These are much better questions than the once on OKC that really only seem to put an emphasis on your sexual/relationship history from what Ive seen. I would absolutely ask him what his reasoning is for it, but also stand by your convictions on this. If you're in a serious committed relationship, there's no place for dating sites in that dynamic. It leaves the door wide open for your whole relationship to be undermined. I don't think you're paranoid at all, and I feel like I would feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes. Try setting the boundary that you would like him to at least change his relationship status on the site so someone doesn't get the wrong idea if you can't get him to delete it and deactive it entirely. There's also plenty of women there looking for something real, and they shouldn't have to be distracted by someone pretending to be single for the sake of a few giggles. Dating is hard enough without that nonsense.

[Shottsy85]

Well, not-related here, but I would like to say I met my BPD wife through OK cupid

That aside - this is a tricky situation that many of us face when we are involved with someone who has BPD.  While I can't put myself into his mind, I do have enough experience dealing with this disorder to know that pwBPD have a difficult time committing to nearly everything. Fortunately, I have not had to deal with this particular issue with my wife, but in nearly every other area of her life she is non-committal, second guessing herself, and has difficulty making decisions.  I know in the past she has cheated on partners, dated multiple people at the same time, kept profiles up on dating sites, and gotten tired with one partner and quickly moved on to the next.  I think the "chase" is sometimes a hobby for them.  It helps them not think about themselves and creates a bit of excitement, and helps them feel like they aren't subject to anyone.  I think my wife really struggles with the emotions of being in a committed relationship - the fear that I may leave her, the fear that she has made the wrong decision, the fear of committing to a certain life and a certain lifestyle.  In the past, she would cope with personal distress by changing her identity, moving to a new place, changing jobs, changing dating partners.  Marriage means no longer having that coping mechanism, and that means misery until she finds a new outlet.

My gut feeling in your situation is that he gets some kind of excitement about maintaining a profile.  Whether he acts on anything or not, who knows.  He may just enjoy being flirted with, or he could be searching for someone else.  I'm not sure how to approach him on this.  Obviously, it is upsetting to you, and you need some kind of boundary here.    I don't think any explanation he could give would mean anything at this point, so I wouldn't ask him for one.  If I were you, I would think deeply about what I am ok with and what I am not,  and simply state it as that.  "I know you like maintaining a profile on OKcupid and find the compatibility questions interesting, but I feel that it is inappropriate for a committed relationship.  I would feel happier if you would delete your profile and focus on us."

I really appreciate your response, and that makes a lot of sense. He fits that description of seeming like he has trouble making decisions and he does second guess himself. He got me a promise ring 2 years ago, will discuss and make marriage plans with me, but won't actually commit. When I was out of his life all he wanted was to get me back, and he "knew" that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Now that he has me, he has regressed and won't just make things official. He makes jokes about how I made a horrible decision, but I wonder if there is truth in that. I don't want to come off as paranoid or clingy either and for the most part I felt secure in our relationship, unlike I used to, until this came up. He has made comment about not being a one girl guy, but that he wouldn't cheat or do anything with anyone else out of respect to me. Yet in the past he knew that I am not ok with an open relationship and we have never had one, so why would that change? I will try and set the boundary. I am just afraid of him reacting and thinking I am being controlling.

[Shottsy85]

Oh man. I swear this is something that I could see my BP boyfriend doing as well and thinking nothing of it. I think you need to hold fast to your boundary on this one. OKC is a pretty dicey place to begin being a female just on unsolicited pics sent of guys junk. The quizzes arent really quizzes. They're meant to broaden the range of people you can be matched with on OKC. If he wants to know how you two would fare on answers, there are much better ways to go about that than on an online dating site. There's a great article that the NY Times put up, about 36 questions to fall in love. www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0 These are much better questions than the once on OKC that really only seem to put an emphasis on your sexual/relationship history from what Ive seen. I would absolutely ask him what his reasoning is for it, but also stand by your convictions on this. If you're in a serious committed relationship, there's no place for dating sites in that dynamic. It leaves the door wide open for your whole relationship to be undermined. I don't think you're paranoid at all, and I feel like I would feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes. Try setting the boundary that you would like him to at least change his relationship status on the site so someone doesn't get the wrong idea if you can't get him to delete it and deactive it entirely. There's also plenty of women there looking for something real, and they shouldn't have to be distracted by someone pretending to be single for the sake of a few giggles. Dating is hard enough without that nonsense.

Thank you so much! I wish there were actual support groups or chat rooms like there used to be around here for BPs and nons in a relationship with BPs because he seems to be more open when someone ELSE tells him something, like it doesn't count if I say it... It's just so frustrating and ridiculous. I think everything is fine and he seems to find a way to cause some sort of distrust or drama when things seem to be too good.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Shottsy85,  

I understand how you could feel paranoid. The erratic behavior of a person with BPD (pwBPD) can make us feel that way sometimes.  

Communicating with your pwBPD is the best solution. Fortunately for us non-BPD partners, there are tools that we can use to learn to communicate better.  This site provides a plethora of resources and communication tools. Communication tools gives us the opportunity to express our feelings or concerns and discuss "difficult" subjects with minimal or no recourse.

Communication tools are a lifesaver! I have effectively discussed occasions where I was upset with my bf's rages/projection. Before I learned communication tools, discussing something as difficult as that, usually resulted in him getting overly defensive.  

Here are some links to help you get started.  

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

What coping mechanisms does he usually tend to do?

[Notwendy]

I just think there is odd thinking about how to behave in r/s. I think they feel that as long as it isn't something major "wrong" then it is OK. However, there are a lot of things that are not necessarily wrong but are inconsiderate- that many people in r/s just wouldn't do because they can understand how it makes their partner feel.

I tend to be pragmatic about such things, because although I think we can say how we feel about it, they would find some way to justify doing it anyway and probably do it behind our backs. I think they like the thrill of being on a dating site, leading people on, and flirting, whether or not it leads to something else.

I think the only thing we can do is decide what we will do about it if they don't respect our wishes or decide how much is bothers us or not.

[Shottsy85]

UPDATE:

My boyfriend came home from work and actually seemed to be in a good head space. He smiled, and told me I had nothing to worry about. ( I hope this is true, but I believe him.) He said he had done that after a fight we had had a while ago, and he was just thinking, "F-you!" and updated his profile, and then forgot about it, and hasn't done anything with it. He agreed to the boundary of updating it to say he is in a relationship if he still wants to do the silly quizzes, and seemed very cooperative about it all. I had it in my mind to see if he was really reactive that I may indeed have something to worry about, but since he was so calm and non reactive like he tends to be if there really is an issue, I do believe him. All of your answers and suggestions were super helpful!

I shared my post with him, and the answers and he was very receptive as well. Seems like he is having a decent day. Hopefully the rest of the evening will progress without any drama.

Thanks again everyone!