I broke 10 year NC and got severely gaslighted

[survivorof2]

Been about two years since I last posted, but had a major event this week that I needed to write about and need others to read.

I broke 10 years of no contact with "parents" (who were physically, mentally, verbally, and sexually abusive to me until I was 42 yo) this week. I was told my "Mom" was in the hospital seriously ill. I thought it would be a controlled environment somewhat and if my dear husband came with me, I'd be safe. "Mom" and ":)ad" were both there and I had not seen them in 10 years and they had not seen my husband in over 20 years (that's another story). They looked like homeless people, especially "mom". Her teeth were all crooked sticking almost every direction out of her mouth, she was pale and had no makeup on. ":)ad" sat in a chair, not speaking or looking around except to do "mom"'s bidding. I was told that she was there because she had refused to come to the doctor to renew her pain meds, refusing to eat, and not in her right mind. I thought she needed a reality check in the form of seeing her daughter and son-in-law. Here's the other story: Three years into our marriage, my dear parents came to visit and forced me to leave my husband, taking our week old son and 20 month old daughter. They then forced me to divorce him and I lived basically as a hostage in their house until the police were called when our daughter (then 18) called the police when "mom" tried to kill me. I got away with the help of the police and was able to remarry the love of my life 3 months later. Now it's been almost 11 years. I have to say that seeing them initially made me feel stronger because they seemed so pitiful. But I continue to process and I am reminded of her horrible gaslighting that she constantly manifested towards me. Except this time, she did it in front of my husband like she was once again trying to separate us. I said, "That's not true, that's a lie". She said, "get out". I told her one last thing: "You beat me and tried to kill me and you should be sorry". That made her yell more.

I have to say that up until this visit at the hospital, I was told that my "parents" were basically hermits and rarely went out of the house or had anyone over, even other relatives. So to see them was really really really weird. "Mom" seemed to enjoy the attention of visitors, even if it was the daughter and son-in-law that she hates. ":)ad" was completely indifferent, other than that he seemed afraid of "Mom"!

I've told a few people about the visit, but feel so few understand what it's like to have psycho parents and how it's not safe to be around them. Yes, we are glad to be alive and that we were not physically harmed at the hospital by them.

But the gaslighting is lingering and I almost feel like I have to sit down and write down EVERY DETAIL of what happened while I was held hostage at their house. They held me hostage by telling me that I should tell no one what was happening because no one would believe me, that if I had to do with my ex or his family, they'd take my kids away and I'd never see them, and that I was crazy and they were going to commit me and take the kids!

Our kids are not almost in their 30's and have had to do with their grandparents these past 10 years and have even been protective of them against us at times! So you can see they have bought into the lies.

The most grievous lie that was spouted this time when I saw "mom" was she said that my sisters told her that I had written all over the internet that "dad" had raped me and that I needed to apologize to "dad" for writing that! Both "parents" sexually abused me. I was not raped by the strictest definition, but I was groped, they made lewd comments at me, they walked around the house either completely naked or partially clothed (only briefs) and "mom" would come into bathroom while I was showering, pull back the curtain and watch me until I'd catch her. They wouldn't allow me to lock the door of any room I was in. When I did lock the door, they would pound and say they were going to break the door down if I didn't unlock it.

So you ask why in the hell did I go visit them in the hospital? Kinda asking that same question myself. I guess some of it was to prove to myself and our kids how strong I've gotten. And to prove to the "parents" how I'm not afraid of them and I can walk into their hospital room anytime without warning (that part was kinda fun, I have to admit).

So "mom"'s behavior was she seemed to be able to turn it off and on, gaslight, try to charm, but had no shame about her appearance (no makeup, crooked protruding teeth), etc. I have been told that she has been diagnosed psychotic because she complains of bugs living under her skin!

Still processing and just needed to write all this down where I can be anonymous and among others who hopefully understand, have some insight and compassion.

Thanks for reading.

[Harri]

Hi survivor.  I am going to tell you my thoughts, in order, as I read your post.  first, I was horrified at the extent to which your parents have gone to abuse and injure you.  Second, I am in awe at your strength for surviving that insane mess of a childhood/adulthood.  Third, I am so very glad you did go to visit them in the hospital.  I understand that you are upset after the encounter and I think it is perfectly normal, but please do not discount how much strength it took to go visit.  Take pride in that.  It was a brave and courageous thing to do and I understand why you chose to go.

I guess some of it was to prove to myself and our kids how strong I've gotten. And to prove to the "parents" how I'm not afraid of them and I can walk into their hospital room anytime without warning (that part was kinda fun, I have to admit).

I will admit, I grinned at this last part.  I get it.  We actually have some things in common in terms of history, not the least of which was the length of time of the abuse including the sexual abuse.  I mention that to let you know I understand and I am filled with compassion and empathy for you.

Please post more as you feel the need.  I am glad you decided to come back here and write about your experience.  It takes a lot of guts to do that too.  Mostly though, I am glad that you are reaching out for support and understanding. 

[survivorof2]

Thank you, Harri! It is so wonderful to have someone "get it". I did another brave thing after the visit. "Mom" said my "sisters" had told her that I had "written all over the internet that my father had raped me", so I sent a message to one of the sisters (also breaking NC) telling her what "mom" said and asking her to show me where I wrote such a thing cause I didn't. She was instantly defensive and told me I needed to apologize to "dad" and then blocked me. Funny how I'm so intimidating to my family. Guess it's because I know so much about them and I'm not buying into their craziness! I use quotation marks around members of the FOO because I didn't get to pick them, but I've been picking sisters, mothers, and fathers of my own ever since and it's great!

Glad to be back posting on this site about working at sanity when you're FOO is their own special brand of insanity and only getting worse. My husband and I were just talking tonite that my "parents" looked much healthier physically than what had been described to us and much much worse mentally and emotionally than they dreamed.