Transitioning into just a friendship plausible?

[jkwest]

Has anyone successfully gone from having a pwBPD as a lover, to just being a friend with this person?

It seems if you set up some strong boundaries, it would be attainable... .right?

Insights?

[Terrychango]

I hope so but I'm not sure.

When My ex  split up with me we were on holiday, she told me we were best friends still after breaking up and that I was the best friend she ever had.

We got home to her mums she threw me out and will no longer speak to me... .even though I have text her to say I would like to be friends. I am now 3 weeks nc and I think it may be the only way as sad as it makes me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Friendship is based on mutual trust and respect.  Could you trust your ex?  :)oes she treat you with respect?  My ex isn't qualified to be my friend.

[Tim300]

From what I have seen, this is possible.  It's certainly much more possible if the romantic relationship was not super serious.  With that being said, from what I have seen and from what I have read here, a pwBPD unfortunately will not make a very good friend.  My BPDex-fiancee, for example, seemed to have no qualms about dialing up her friends to rescue her from her latest emergency.  However, she would drop people (even those who had earlier helped her) for the most bizarre reasons (e.g., not inviting her to something; not responding to a text soon enough).  It might perhaps bring you comfort to make "friends" with your ex if that's possible and safe, but after that I wouldn't think of him/her as anything more than an unreliable acquaintance who could turn on you at any moment and use personal information against you to badmouth you to others.  This sounds harsh, but it's probably best to not even be associated with these people.    

[jkwest]

it's funny... .after posting this thread, I read an article about the BPD Waif and our constant need to always rescue... .

The Waif may be referenced or thought of, as "the quiet Borderline." You get the feeling she can't fend for herself, and you'll try to help--even after it's over between you! Your altruism might be noble, if it weren't masking your sense of emptiness and emotional impotency where she's concerned. What's unfortunate, is your Ego is in serious need of mending in the aftermath of this relationship, yet much of your attention is still focused on how to make things better for her, help her avoid ruining other men's lives--and needing to think you've made some kind of difference in this woman's world. I have two words for you: Stop it! Selflessness isn't healthy~ it's merely a euphemism for codependency.

Even if you've become "really close" with her family members or friends, and you feel an irrepressible need to share with them your newfound knowledge about Borderline Personality traits after countless hours of Internet research you'll only intensify her pain. The primary reason she's still in this position, is denial. Denial is a survival reflex that helps us defend against facing that which we're not ready to confront, and it's there to protect us. Besides this, within the realm of personality disorders, apples seldom fall far from trees--and I can assure you, this news will not be appreciated or utilized by them!

[neverloveagain]

The waif is really a deadly siren never rages outwardly never really shows the inner termoil she hangs at your head. But its there its like carbon monixide poisening the silent killer. When they shift the gears and destroy what you really thought you knew.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I have managed to remain friends with my dBPDex fiance.  I think it is always important to look at the individual and not at a blanket diagnosis of BPD.  My ex has BPD traits but does not exhibit some of the horrible vindictive traits some mention here.  If it is someone that cheated or smeared you then I would say friendship is unlikely.  How can you ever trust someone like that?  That being said I wouldn't consider the friendship to be the strongest I have in my life.  It's more of someone I share a significant stretch of history with who's only real slight was nutting up and breaking away when the domestic life became perfect.  I recognize her as a person with serious baggage and keep the appropriate distance.

[Infern0]

In my opinion it's not possible and here is why.

n the borderline side, they emotionally are not stable enough to maintain a platonic friendship because of them not being able to control their emotions.

In my case I tried to do the friends thing and tbh I was fine with it, at that point not really wanting to go back into the madhouse, but thinking I could handle meeting once a week or once a fortnight and the odd text message, what ended up happening was that we were out one day having a coffee and she said something about some bad thing that had happened at work or something and I just said a throwaway line about her being an awesome person and BOOM, big idealized stare from her, and then 5 minutes after I left a text message "I think i made a mistake letting you go"

From then on she had decided she wanted to recycle me and now i'm currently in a recycle with her.

A normal person would really think about everything before sending a text like that but not a borderline, and it really can be that simple as just saying something nice to them at the right time and they put you back on the pedestal, if you then decline their advances they will split you black most likely.

It's not possible, I guess a FWB arrangment might be ok, but platonic friends ain't gonna happen ESPECIALLY if your pwBPD was/is physically attracted to you, I can't be within 5 feet of mine alone without her initiating physical contact.

[Blimblam]

The waif is really a deadly siren never rages outwardly never really shows the inner termoil she hangs at your head. But its there its like carbon monixide poisening the silent killer. When they shift the gears and destroy what you really thought you knew.

Lol this made me laugh. I felt like this for a a while.  It gets better though and the perception changes.  But it is like a death from 1000 cuts.  Often very subtle and they deny it so we question our reality. 

In any case it is possible to have a sort of "friendship," at some point. But the thing is the priority now is creating the space for yourself to heal.

[drummerboy]

Good luck with that! They have no boundaries and in my exes case, the friendship would be all about her telling me how hard done by she is, if I didn't let her play the victim, "whoa is me" role, I'd be dumped like a dirty rag. I think they are so self absorbed that a friendship would be very one sided. Impossible I'd say. I want to be around positive people, not slow motion train wrecks.

[SlyQQ]

More of aquaintences really polite but slightly aloof but still with the ability to redress discuss and resolve problems

[BorisAcusio]

Well, I have seen the lopsided, self-centered interaction with her only "friend"(diagnosed OCD, comorbid). She is discarded and recycled based solely on her needs, generally treating her like a rug, while she has to remain available and validating to her 24/7. She was the only one who accepted her terms on the long run, others could not bear the lack of care, respect and stability. For a pwBPD, every close interpersonal relationship activates the well known disordered cycle.

Why would sane people invest their precious time into "friendship" like this? What is the payoff? I have to assume that it is a form of self-delusion, secretly harbouring fantasies and hold out malignant hope that reciprocity will occur.  

[Deeno02]

Nope. Tried to act like an adult and wish her luck with her new guy as she looked happy, well, I got a verbal beat down for it. I guess it all depends on them over all. In my case, she wants nothing to do with me.

[CloseToFreedom]

You don't want this. I know I can't do it.

During one of our many breaks (10 break ups) she once tried to friendzone me. I tried it for one afternoon, got mad that I couldn't be intimate with her, and that was that. Send her her merry way, but after a week or so she came back for a real recycle.

If they want to be friends, its just to get supply. You're not only letting yourself be sucked dry, but you don't even get something resembling a relationship in return. Why would you want that?

[jkwest]

thank you everyone for this insight.

that's probably the hardest thing for me right now... .she always said, "I want to be your best friend."

I reallllly needed a best friend... I had just divorced from my best friend of 18 years... that seperation hurt... .

and then, this exciting, exhilarating thing shows up in my life saying she needs a best friend too...

you guys are right... it would be too easy for me to get recycled if I left myself emotionally available to her.

i think she really thinks she loves me... .but, I could have never treated her the way she treated me.

she only has one friend who has lasted more than a year... .and she walks all over this poor girl.

she doesn't want me as a friend.

[eyvindr]

jkwest --

It does hurt. I'm sorry the first person you ended up with after your divorce was someone so emotionally volatile.

I totally understand the deep and real need for a friend after going through a divorce -- been there. But, you prolly should give yourself a little time... .grieve the loss of your marriage and all that... .just sayin'. 

thank you everyone for this insight.

that's probably the hardest thing for me right now... .she always said, "I want to be your best friend."

I reallllly needed a best friend... I had just divorced from my best friend of 18 years... that separation hurt... .

and then, this exciting, exhilarating thing shows up in my life saying she needs a best friend too...

you guys are right... it would be too easy for me to get recycled if I left myself emotionally available to her.

i think she really thinks she loves me... .but, I could have never treated her the way she treated me.

she only has one friend who has lasted more than a year... .and she walks all over this poor girl.

she doesn't want me as a friend.

As far as this thread topic --I'd never try it. My ex wife -- who was a horrible person in so many ways, and much more typical in terms of her damaging BPD behaviors than my ex gf -- still used to tell me YEARS after we were divorced that I was her best friend, and would try to get me to reciprocate -- which I never did. 'Cuz I'm not crazy.

But my recent ex came right out and told me, within the parameters of her smear campaign (which in itself is fascinating, no?), that all I had to do to stop the torrents of hateful posts, txts, vms and emails was to just reconcile -- "no one will care -- everyone wants me to be be happy -- everyone will forgive you" -- and she'd forget the whole thing. But, if I wasn't "willing to do the right thing and get back together" then she wasn't interested in being my friend. So, there you have it. Easier for me, in the end.

Hang in there.

[raisins3142]

If I had enough friends/family in my life, then I'd ask why I would want a friendship with a disordered ex.

If you are lonely, then there are other ways to find platonic companionship.  Heck, a ferret might be a better stand in.

[eyvindr]

raisins!       

If you are lonely, then there are other ways to find platonic companionship.  Heck, a ferret might be a better stand in.

Thanks for the laugh!

[Janewhi]

No, to be short and sweet. Been there, tried it, no.

[Skip]

I really needed a best friend... I had just divorced from my best friend of 18 years... that separation hurt... .

and then, this exciting, exhilarating thing shows up in my life saying she needs a best friend too...

you guys are right... it would be too easy for me to get recycled if I left myself emotionally available to her.

The bigger picture may be that many members got involved in these "broken" relationships when we were on the rebound... .exactly as you are.

Can she be diversion for you now? That certainly depends on you and her. 

My advice goes beyond her and is to say know that you are vulnerable and be careful with your heart.  And in general, don't look for a best fried in a lover right now - that takes time to develop and pushing that on your early relationships may not feel needy to them and not go well. Might be better to connect with a male friend or even a canine in the short term 

[going places]

Has anyone successfully gone from having a pwBPD as a lover, to just being a friend with this person?

It seems if you set up some strong boundaries, it would be attainable... .right?

Insights?

Personally, my ex is the 100% opposite of what a 'friend' is-can be.

Based upon my personal definition of "friend", my ex has NONE of those traits, characteristics, or qualities.

So no. 

After what he put me and my kids through? He is no friend, no does he have the capacity to be.