? driving me nuts

[new2pain]

I think I just realized whats totally got me confused, I thought I had a decent grasp on how BPD was affecting her/us... .

But this is killing me... .I know about replacement, but he doesnt know she is still meeting with me, dinner, lunch and even occasional sex.  She insists she is not in relationship with him, but I think he would disagree... .

Is it all normal for her to keep seeing him like this, telling me if she could fix herself she would be with me, and going to couples T with me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

I think I just realized whats totally got me confused, I thought I had a decent grasp on how BPD was affecting her/us... .

But this is killing me... .I know about replacement, but he doesnt know she is still meeting with me, dinner, lunch and even occasional sex.  She insists she is not in relationship with him, but I think he would disagree... .

Is it all normal for her to keep seeing him like this, telling me if she could fix herself she would be with me, and going to couples T with me?

Yes, quite normal... .They love to have their cake and eat it too.

[Notwendy]

Normal is relative. If someone has a PD, then they have their own "normal".  If two people have the same "normal" then I suppose there wouldn't be a problem.

What makes us crazy is adapting our "normal" to something that isn't normal to us. So the issue here is not what she is doing. She might think it is fine to have two partners, not letting one know or whatever. She might think it's fine to have as many as she wants... .

You define what you tolerate- to be one of two guys or not, to be in a r/s with someone who may very well think this is OK when you do or do not. You can ask her to be monogamous, but if the isn't willing, then you have to decide what you want to do.

Some of us don't even know what our own normal is. I was raised by a mom with BP so I am not sure I experienced a lot of normal, but getting to know my own values helps.

[new2pain]

Notwendy,

We talked about what normal would be for us and that would require us going to another session to have this discussion.

I know that whats considered normal for most is a place we will never be at very long, just hoping she will continue with the T as in her mind she is not in a relationship with anyone. Its like sometimes she is so engaged and on track, and then its like she overthinks it and gets the she is toxic mindset.

T stated she thinks our relationship is doable but they way she has been acting since appointment is really freaking me out.

Its almost like she knows what she needs to do, that scares her/ T tells her it is doable and believes we can do it together, and that REALLY scares her/ She is avoiding the whole topic and investing herself deaper into work.

What makes this even more confusing is not knowing if I should be contacting her, as she is avoiding topic but not general topics, she has not been willing to see me, but blaming it on work, but her long hours is true.

At this point im not even sure if there is a question in this long ramble, ugh 2 months ago I thought we would be engaged, now im not sure about lunch

[Notwendy]

I think so much fluctuates with their moods, as well as how symptomatic a person is- severe or mild.

I think though, there has to be some agreements, for instance if you want monogomy and she wants to not be monogamous, then that's something you may not be able to reconcile.

[eyvindr]

I'm sorry you're going through this, new2pain. This kind of behavior is called triangulation. There's lots of information about it on these boards -- do a search and some reading -- it might help you better understand the why's.

I think I just realized whats totally got me confused, I thought I had a decent grasp on how BPD was affecting her/us... .

But this is killing me... .I know about replacement, but he doesn't know she is still meeting with me, dinner, lunch and even occasional sex.  She insists she is not in relationship with him, but I think he would disagree... .

Is it all normal for her to keep seeing him like this, telling me if she could fix herself she would be with me, and going to couples T with me?

The question I would want to ask is -- what do you want to get out of this r-ship?

[new2pain]

What I would like out of the rs, is to take a few steps back and have each of us cintinue with T individually and as a couple. I would like monogamy during this time. I think that is important as it seems to be her escape from the reality of the real issues and im not sure how effective T is while avoiding the issues all but 1 or 2 hours a week.

[Notwendy]

You're spot on when you mention the process of escape from one's own pain and issues- making it hard for T to be as effective. Often it seems it is the nons who are more in tune with their own discomfort, and so are more likely to have T be successful.

Those who tend to not feel their own discomfort- by addiction or projection are less likely to seek help I think.

Addiction is using something to escape from one's own bad feelings or looking to closely at oneself. Co-dependents are addicted to people, places and things. Many nons are in this category since we tend to focus so much on the partner, their issues, what we can do to help than our own needs and issues.

Other addictions are drugs, alcohol, spending, gambling, sex, romance, work... .internet ( who me? LOL).

[new2pain]

Its amazing to me how fast she can turn things on and off with no emotion to tears of how toxic she is.  Now she "just cant deal with this now" UGH! Dont know if Valentine's day is adding to my pain but today has been 100% miserable.