Not caring anymore finally changed her... too late

[rj47]

25 tears of marriage to a BPDw... .15 years of abuse in the form of devaluation, ridicule and violence. I tried setting boundaries and she would shatter them.  I collapsed like a cheap suit. I lost myself along the way. It wasn't her fault... .I gave it up to her. But slowly I began to realize I was dying inside... .fearful and in a state of perpetual anxiety. I began to resent her and gradually began pushing back with the same anger. All it did was feed the beast and provoke more episodes.

I met someone utterly by accident in similar circumstances with a BPDh. First friends, we encouraged each other, then we became more.

Its been months that I simply don't care anymore... .and she's noticed. For a time she flailed at me viciously with everything she had in her arsenal. But, it no longer mattered to me and she began to fear the impossible... .I really didn't care anymore.

Who would have thought the catalyst for her change was my fully checking out. Its been several months... .she's trying hard to keep me. I love her... .always will, but assume the demons will show again and the cycle. Tough Love?

Too late... .I've developed an idea of how life should be. A year of getting to know someone beautiful inside and out from a long distance and without an agenda; and we're in love with each other.

Its too bad it took me finally not giving a d*mn to effect change in her (temporary or not).

[thepenguin]

25 tears of marriage to a BPDw... .15 years of abuse in the form of devaluation, ridicule and violence. I tried setting boundaries and she would shatter them.  I collapsed like a cheap suit. I lost myself along the way. It wasn't her fault... .I gave it up to her. But slowly I began to realize I was dying inside... .fearful and in a state of perpetual anxiety. I began to resent her and gradually began pushing back with the same anger. All it did was feed the beast and provoke more episodes.

I met someone utterly by accident in similar circumstances with a BPDh. First friends, we encouraged each other, then we became more.

Its been months that I simply don't care anymore... .and she's noticed. For a time she flailed at me viciously with everything she had in her arsenal. But, it no longer mattered to me and she began to fear the impossible... .I really didn't care anymore.

Who would have thought the catalyst for her change was my fully checking out. Its been several months... .she's trying hard to keep me. I love her... .always will, but assume the demons will show again and the cycle. Tough Love?

Too late... .I've developed an idea of how life should be. A year of getting to know someone beautiful inside and out from a long distance and without an agenda; and we're in love with each other.

Its too bad it took me finally not giving a d*mn to effect change in her (temporary or not).

It sounds to me like she's trying, in her own way. Have you tried to get her to see someone? (psychologist?). Have you seen anyone about it yet? 25 years is a long time, i'm only known my current SO for 6 years and it's been tough. But my wife is currently seeing a psychologist to work through her issues. That alone is very difficult for her but it means a lot to me. I'm with you on the checking out. It makes sense given our predicaments.

[Samuel S.]

I applaud your decision not to care anymore, especially after all of the BPD experiences you have had!

[oletimefeelin]

I had a similar experience as you.  I made a conscious effort not to care and voila she was magically back.  You just stopped giving a ship.   

Congrats on finding love elsewhere and I appreciate you sharing your story.

[Michelle27]

Wow.  I totally empathize.  Over 8 years of horrible rages, several years of carrying around a change of work clothes and overnight stuff in my car in case I had to flee and finally taking it all off my shoulders by disengaging and yes, seeking my own validation elsewhere, he is finally working on it.  And I'm not sure yet if it's too little too late.  So I understand your pain.

[Zon]

Mine is attempting to use guilt and threats (to leave with or without the children) against me to reel me back, but those have been played too many times over the years to work now.  My therapist told me how to suggest (carefully) that she sees a therapist for her anger issue as a stepping stone for therapy.  Our MC has hinted lightly about her seeing a therapist.  While she acknowledges that her control on her anger is not the best, she does not see a need to see a therapist.  My therapist suggested the "anger" route because it would seem more outside of our relationship.

Once you speak with someone (regardless of forming an outside relationship) that has/had a similar experience and can show what a saner relationship is like, it is hard not to want to leave for that.  Yes, the grass certainly does look greener on the other side, especially if your side does not look green.  As I like to say to myself, I would love to have regular fights that other couples have which end with apologies from one or both partners.  Plus, the apologies are actually accepted.

[rj47]

It sounds to me like she's trying, in her own way. Have you tried to get her to see someone? (psychologist?). Have you seen anyone about it yet? 25 years is a long time, i'm only known my current SO for 6 years and it's been tough. But my wife is currently seeing a psychologist to work through her issues. That alone is very difficult for her but it means a lot to me. I'm with you on the checking out. It makes sense given our predicaments.

She's running scared for the first time after a decade of anger and rage.

Your wife is seeing a therapist? Good for you and her. Mine nearly ended up in a fistfight with one of hers accusing me of colluding with the T.

I tried to make myself better for 20-years, working through drug addiction, suicide attempts, affairs, accusations, criticisms, ridicule and censure in front others and my children. For decades they were my fault. And, now she's realized she made a mistake. BFD.

Good luck.

[rj47]

Mine is attempting to use guilt and threats (to leave with or without the children) against me to reel me back, but those have been played too many times over the years to work now.  My therapist told me how to suggest (carefully) that she sees a therapist for her anger issue as a stepping stone for therapy.  Our MC has hinted lightly about her seeing a therapist.  While she acknowledges that her control on her anger is not the best, she does not see a need to see a therapist.  My therapist suggested the "anger" route because it would seem more outside of our relationship.

Once you speak with someone (regardless of forming an outside relationship) that has/had a similar experience and can show what a saner relationship is like, it is hard not to want to leave for that.  Yes, the grass certainly does look greener on the other side, especially if your side does not look green.  As I like to say to myself, I would love to have regular fights that other couples have which end with apologies from one or both partners.  Plus, the apologies are actually accepted.

Be careful of buying into the guilt... .I bought into it when we were young being old-school. You make it work. The guilt of being a terrible father, terrible husband and terrible human being haunted me constantly. She worked my children from the time they could talk and it hurt greatly. Then, they grew up and told me a very different narrative about a loving father doing his best in the face of huge challenge. Terrible regret accepting the guilt... .now its resentment.

The grass is rarely so green and manicured in another relationship. But, having been in a 25 year BPD relationship... .I suspect the chances are huge that its gonna be better.

Its not easy leaving. Even now I vacillate out of care and the old guilts. The certainty of the cycle restarting makes its near impossible. In my mid-50's, I've met a lot of women over the years that were interested in me. I never opened that door. The door is off the hinges with a uniquely beautiful person that lives on another continent that was a friend in a similar relationship, then, over time became much more.

[rj47]

Wow.  I totally empathize.  Over 8 years of horrible rages, several years of carrying around a change of work clothes and overnight stuff in my car in case I had to flee and finally taking it all off my shoulders by disengaging and yes, seeking my own validation elsewhere, he is finally working on it.  And I'm not sure yet if it's too little too late.  So I understand your pain.

I kept a packed bag in the trunk as well. Would leave, turn my phone off, get a room, take a sedative to settle down. Sometimes I would go back or turn on the phone to raging texts or pleading to come home. What a miserable way to cope... right?

For years I rejected validation from others simply because it did not line up with the narrative I believed. Its transformative isn't it? No one could possibly love us. But someone did... .and pushed through all the accumulated garbage to convince me otherwise. She could end it tomorrow, but I'll never believe the lie again.

I hope that he pays attention, sees what he's lost and the painful road he needs to tread to build something with you based on mutual respect and understanding. Our rebuilding always involved getting back to the old patterns that worked for her that would grind me down. I never had the will to prevail. I hope you can effect real change and create something entirely new that works. If not... .run. Good luck.

[thicker skin]

I'm really very pleased for you rj 

You've been working tirelessly on yourself for far too long dude... .Another continent is still closer than another planet

[thicker skin]

Sorry rj... .

My phone only posted a bit of my reply

[thicker skin]

Sorry rj... .

My phone was being silly and cut short my reply... .

Nobody should ever have to give up so much of themselves to please another, that they cease to be who they are. I'm working out that BPD hating had nothing to do with me, which means I absolutely can be loved, just like you. And you are loved.

She's a very lucky lady... .Likely good at DIY too if she took YOUR door off... .You should grab that with both hands, it's a Brucie Bonus if she can cook too 

The same thing happened to me, oddly enough.

I met somebody randomly, when I wasn't even looking and he turned out to be beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. He bowled me over when I wasn't even looking and kept me floored with his manners, respect and beautiful ways. I had no idea that men like him existed.

[Caredverymuch]

25 tears of marriage to a BPDw... .15 years of abuse in the form of devaluation, ridicule and violence. I tried setting boundaries and she would shatter them.  I collapsed like a cheap suit. I lost myself along the way. It wasn't her fault... .I gave it up to her. But slowly I began to realize I was dying inside... .fearful and in a state of perpetual anxiety. I began to resent her and gradually began pushing back with the same anger. All it did was feed the beast and provoke more episodes.

I met someone utterly by accident in similar circumstances with a BPDh. First friends, we encouraged each other, then we became more.

Its been months that I simply don't care anymore... .and she's noticed. For a time she flailed at me viciously with everything she had in her arsenal. But, it no longer mattered to me and she began to fear the impossible... .I really didn't care anymore.

Who would have thought the catalyst for her change was my fully checking out. Its been several months... .she's trying hard to keep me. I love her... .always will, but assume the demons will show again and the cycle. Tough Love?

Too late... .I've developed an idea of how life should be. A year of getting to know someone beautiful inside and out from a long distance and without an agenda; and we're in love with each other.

Its too bad it took me finally not giving a d*mn to effect change in her (temporary or not).

I walked your path. 25 years w a NPD/ queen BPD. I became apathetic after doing everything under the sun a healthy partner should try to do to safe a marraige and most importantly a family.  I understand.  Please be mindful to do your own personal inventory work.  I only say this bc I also met someone who I feel deeply in love with.  A person I also know from a different r/s.  That man was SOO DIFFERENT than my spouse.  But that very man is the reason I am here.  He was a waif BPD. I had no knowledge about any of this at the time.  It just felt so safely wonderful to be in love w someone " I knew."   At the end of the day, both men were the same in how they devalued me via their respective and different yet quite similar PDs.  I didn't take the time between both to understand not only myself but to understand why I most unconsciously attracted another emotionally unavailable partner.  

Like everyone here, Im just looking out for you. Esp bc I also endured 25 yrs of what you describe.  

[Zon]

Mine is attempting to use guilt and threats (to leave with or without the children) against me to reel me back, but those have been played too many times over the years to work now.  My therapist told me how to suggest (carefully) that she sees a therapist for her anger issue as a stepping stone for therapy.  Our MC has hinted lightly about her seeing a therapist.  While she acknowledges that her control on her anger is not the best, she does not see a need to see a therapist.  My therapist suggested the "anger" route because it would seem more outside of our relationship.

Once you speak with someone (regardless of forming an outside relationship) that has/had a similar experience and can show what a saner relationship is like, it is hard not to want to leave for that.  Yes, the grass certainly does look greener on the other side, especially if your side does not look green.  As I like to say to myself, I would love to have regular fights that other couples have which end with apologies from one or both partners.  Plus, the apologies are actually accepted.

Be careful of buying into the guilt... .I bought into it when we were young being old-school. You make it work. The guilt of being a terrible father, terrible husband and terrible human being haunted me constantly. She worked my children from the time they could talk and it hurt greatly. Then, they grew up and told me a very different narrative about a loving father doing his best in the face of huge challenge. Terrible regret accepting the guilt... .now its resentment.

I have tried to make it work over the years (married 15 and together approximately 22 years).  I have not been the best husband, but I finally realized that other men would have left her long ago with her personality.  She has rarely been violent, and it was not at the caliber that you have faced.  I am currently fighting against the guilt by telling myself that guilt, in itself, is not a reason to stay together.

The grass is rarely so green and manicured in another relationship. But, having been in a 25 year BPD relationship... .I suspect the chances are huge that its gonna be better.

Its not easy leaving. Even now I vacillate out of care and the old guilts. The certainty of the cycle restarting makes its near impossible. In my mid-50's, I've met a lot of women over the years that were interested in me. I never opened that door. The door is off the hinges with a uniquely beautiful person that lives on another continent that was a friend in a similar relationship, then, over time became much more.

I am happy for you and hope it turns out well for all of you.

[thicker skin]

  Caredverymuch,

I am very sorry that you got hurt twice and you raised some good points.

Without doing the personal work on ourselves and working out why we tolerate poor behaviour/are attracted to it, we are in danger of repeating the pattern and ending up with the same 'challenge' but in a different package.

Learning about myself was tough, as it involved understanding how my own personal training in childhood had set me up for continued disrespect and abuse as an adult. Familiarity can feel like home and to some degree, we are all trying to work through unfinished business from our pasts.

I had to get to a place where I'd rather be alone than ever put myself at risk again, which also meant valuing myself enough to have clear boundaries and two open eyes in a sensible head. There are no excuses for meanness/bad tempers/unhealthy attitudes. I'd had my fill of that. Accepting it made me an accessory.

In the end, letting a new man into my heart and life came down to how he treated others, especially the mother of his children and how he resolved conflict/how much conflict there was in his life... .And the length of his relationships, be it family, friends or colleagues... .And, as you mentioned, his emotional availability/maturity. The pattern will show in his behaviour and history.

I feel blessed. I wasn't expecting to find something so wonderful... .Wasn't even looking... .And it's awesome.

[rj47]

I'm really very pleased for you rj 

You've been working tirelessly on yourself for far too long dude... .Another continent is still closer than another planet

Next door might have been easier Thicker, but, that 1 out of 8 billion that lives across an ocean is not so far away. Love is where you find it.

[Caredverymuch]

 Caredverymuch,

I am very sorry that you got hurt twice and you raised some good points.

Without doing the personal work on ourselves and working out why we tolerate poor behaviour/are attracted to it, we are in danger of repeating the pattern and ending up with the same 'challenge' but in a different package.

Learning about myself was tough, as it involved understanding how my own personal training in childhood had set me up for continued disrespect and abuse as an adult. Familiarity can feel like home and to some degree, we are all trying to work through unfinished business from our pasts.

I had to get to a place where I'd rather be alone than ever put myself at risk again, which also meant valuing myself enough to have clear boundaries and two open eyes in a sensible head. There are no excuses for meanness/bad tempers/unhealthy attitudes. I'd had my fill of that. Accepting it made me an accessory.

In the end, letting a new man into my heart and life came down to how he treated others, especially the mother of his children and how he resolved conflict/how much conflict there was in his life... .And the length of his relationships, be it family, friends or colleagues... .And, as you mentioned, his emotional availability/maturity. The pattern will show in his behaviour and history.

I feel blessed. I wasn't expecting to find something so wonderful... .Wasn't even looking... .And it's awesome.

My heart is happy for you. You've done your inner work as I now have.

You know the red flags.  You, like me, would rather be alone then be an accomplice to abusive behaviors.  Our boundaries are strong.  Our self respect is foremost. Our personal inventory taught us much.  As well as the decades we endured such dysfunction.

Now, enjoy your well deserved reward my friend.  You deserve all that good.  I am so happy for you! I can imagine how incredible you must now feel 

[rj47]

Sorry rj... .

My phone was being silly and cut short my reply... .

Nobody should ever have to give up so much of themselves to please another, that they cease to be who they are. I'm working out that BPD hating had nothing to do with me, which means I absolutely can be loved, just like you. And you are loved.

She's a very lucky lady... .Likely good at DIY too if she took YOUR door off... .You should grab that with both hands, it's a Brucie Bonus if she can cook too 

The same thing happened to me, oddly enough.

I met somebody randomly, when I wasn't even looking and he turned out to be beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. He bowled me over when I wasn't even looking and kept me floored with his manners, respect and beautiful ways. I had no idea that men like him existed.

I always thought the only road I could take was self-healing or I might repeat the mistake and fall into the same patterns. Even now I fear falling into it with this woman. The distance between us has been painful, but was also a blessing. Getting to know someone through a thousand messages and hundreds of hours of video and phone time before  meeting was maybe the better way. I tagged myself with decades of shame and hid myself never giving it up or trusting anyone; but slowly opened up to stranger that became a dear friend. We encouraged each other to be our best, make our relationships work and persevere. But over time the conversation changed. By the we finally met here were no secrets. She knew more about me than anyone I ever knew. Truth is; I was in love before I had ever heard her voice. Expecting (and half hoping) her to send me packing after a few hours after we finally met; the opposite happened and I was broken having to leave her for the long flight back.

It may not be a healthy way for people coming out of long-term BPD relationships to jump start the healing. But, I'm forever changed regardless of what happens between us. "What If" is a powerful idea. Is it possible that people coming out of the darkness make amazing partners for one another having endured the long darkness and sorrow of a BPD relationship? Do we set ourselves up for more failure? I hope not. I have no choice now but to find out.

Its an interesting topic that I've never seen discussed here.

I hope your new man turns out to be everything you hope for. He's not perfect by a long shot, none of us are. But maybe you and he are perfect for each other.

Thank you thicker skin.

[rj47]

I walked your path. 25 years w a NPD/ queen BPD. I became apathetic after doing everything under the sun a healthy partner should try to do to safe a marraige and most importantly a family.  I understand.  Please be mindful to do your own personal inventory work.  I only say this bc I also met someone who I feel deeply in love with.  A person I also know from a different r/s.  That man was SOO DIFFERENT than my spouse.  But that very man is the reason I am here.  He was a waif BPD. I had no knowledge about any of this at the time.  It just felt so safely wonderful to be in love w someone " I knew."   At the end of the day, both men were the same in how they devalued me via their respective and different yet quite similar PDs.  I didn't take the time between both to understand not only myself but to understand why I most unconsciously attracted another emotionally unavailable partner. 

Like everyone here, Im just looking out for you. Esp bc I also endured 25 yrs of what you describe

Caredverymuch.

I get it and fully appreciate the sentiment and where you have been.

I've spent decades examining myself while mired in darkness and fear wondering if I was capable of clarity on much of anything. What are we to do but to always test ourselves along the path and press on knowing we are going to make mistakes. I only know this; I cannot image a worse scenario and would rather die alone and miserable than except where I have been for so long.

Thank you.

[thicker skin]

An ocean between you? I've been sat next to my ex and felt a greater divide   You will find a way to reach each other.

I'd expect anyone who'd been with an unhealthy partner, to be extra vigilant with the next one, if they were brave enough to venture there again. Healthy people learn... .No doubt, if she's been in a bad place for a while, she will have her own issues too and you can gently work through them together... .At least you understand... .No need for explanations. You may find that you both have the same fears.

Yours told you that you were a rotten man and you expected her to send you on your way... .She didn't. Perhaps you should give her more creedance than your BPDw? Maybe she loves you just as you are. Perhaps she got as much from your hours of calls and video messages as you did and felt the same way? During that time, you must have got to know each other on a very deep level and aired your fears and frustrations. I am assuming that only when you were good and ready, did you make that trip to see her.

My man is more than my imagination could have penned for me. He is good right through to the middle... .TBH, I'm still pinching myself. How on earth could a man of his calibre ever give me a second thought? He has brought something to my life that I dont yet have words for. It's as good as it was bad now. I am the luckiest person I know.

Caredverymuch... .

I am enjoying my fortunate, accidental find and taking nothing for granted... .I know how lucky I am 

I wish the same for you and everyone else who has been lost in the hell that brought us here for too long. There are some wonderful people on this planet... .If you are here and still trying, the chances are, you're one of them.