Trying to have a baby via iui, female partner has BPD.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been trying to have a baby with iui. I have had to be on fertility drugs, so my moods are all over and am tired and can not give her 100% of my attention and she goes off on one today stating I don't love her or she don't feel loved at the min or for a long time.

REALLY? Told her to research what us nons go through daily when they push us and that I have to leave her alone when she pushes me said she has but clearly , now am not there as focusing on being strong for OUR future and baby and boom! I don't show love anymore?

Mybe luv the endless times over 5 years you have ran or slept in spare room or ignored me for days has had an impact and I have had to learn to switch off in order not to escape with alcohol and to understand you will be okay in a few days! Where is the understanding for me? God I carny do it all! Work , when she don't. Have the baby when she carny, need some support here. I hope in a way she goes to her mums, I need the break  

[Gayarump8]

I have been trying to have a baby with iui. I have had to be on fertility drugs, so my moods are all over and am tired and can not give her 100% of my attention and she goes off on one today stating I don't love her or she don't feel loved at the min or for a long time.

REALLY? Told her to research what us nons go through daily when they push us and that I have to leave her alone when she pushes me said she has but clearly , now am not there as focusing on being strong for OUR future and baby and boom! I don't show love anymore?

Mybe luv the endless times over 5 years you have ran or slept in spare room or ignored me for days has had an impact and I have had to learn to switch off in order not to escape with alcohol and to understand you will be okay in a few days! Where is the understanding for me? God I carny do it all! Work , when she don't. Have the baby when she carny, need some support here. I hope in a way she goes to her mums, I need the break  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[SlyQQ]

Have you considered what things might be like after the baby

[Olinda]

Welcome,  

They really can't self soothe sometimes. And it's okay for you to "fail" sometimes.

I have learned the hard way by almost having a mental breakdown last week, that I need to make my self care a priority. My visual is this: I feel like I'm in an airplane with no oxygen and I have put oxygen masks on everyone else, including my fiancee, who can't figure her own out, so I spent way too much time helping her, and when I'm gasping my last breath, on the floor, reaching for my oxygen mask with my last ounce of strength, she calls me selfish, uncaring, for not helping her readjust her mask.

And when I put it like that, I know I'm not selfish. And I know it's my fault I didn't take care of myself better and set some boundaries and make myself a priority before I get desperate and gasping.

I'm sorry you feel desperate. I know that feeling. And as a mother, it's a really good lesson to learn before you have a baby, especially with someone who is so needy and depletes you so.

Big hug.

Take care of you. Can you go away for a recharge somewhere?

[SlyQQ]

It seems you are getting through a day at a time at the moment an the hopf a baby is making things bearable for you at the moment but the addition of a baby will make everything three times harder it is hard to comprehend how difficult it is till you have been there

[Notwendy]

I have friends in same sex relationships and I don't think the dynamics are any different than heterosexual relationships when it comes to dysfunction. I'm straight, so I don't know first hand, however, my friends do talk to me, one is divorced from her ex wife, and it doesn't sound like their problems are much different than the ones my hetero friends have experienced, so I will share mine.

I used to see those TV shows where wife announces she is expecting, and her husband treats her like a queen, and is all over her telling her to put her feet up and indulging her cravings. Didn't happen. The way my H saw my feeling yukky, nauseated, or tired was to make it personal and decide I was rejecting him on purpose, withdrawing on purpose. It was all about him and how I was not paying attention to him and that was translated into criticism of him, making him the victim and me the blame.

I had expected that my H would have been invested in my welfare as it was his child I was carrying. However, to them, feelings are fact, and once they feel rejected, to them, it is all about that.

[Notwendy]

I will second Olinda to take care of yourself.

If I wanted to take a nap, my H would accuse me of ignoring him on purpose, faking that I was asleep.

If you are having a baby because you think it will help your relationship, it will make the relationship harder.

If you are having a baby because you want a baby, then that baby's welfare has to be your priority. You chose your partner but the baby did not. The work ( and rewards) of having that baby are yours in addition to the work it takes to be with your partner.

People say don't have one. My mom has BPD. I am sure there were many times my dad regretted being with her and the comitment of us kids, however, I think he was also glad we are here and we are too, albeit it did have affects on us, affects that we have to work on. Dad did not have the benefit of the knowlege and support with BPD that we have now, so perhaps that could be different now.

I didn't know what was going on with my H when I was pregnant and the kids were little, but that was the time he painted me black and although it was awful in terms of the relationship, the kids were my priority. One thing he did do that I am extremely grateful for was be the main financial support to us. Asking him to do any more than that led to him raging, so I did not.

If I needed a break, or wanted to do anything without the kids, I hired a sitter- if I asked him he would rage, or let me down at the last minute. I did not rely on him to watch the kids. Sometimes he would (rarely) offer but I did not rely on it.

I ended up in counseling for my own support so I could at least talk to someone and be validated.

During meal times, the kids would want things or need to be fed ( if in a high chair) so I did not serve meals hungry. H would come home hungry, and sit in the chair and eat- do nothing else such as help feed a kid, just sit there and eat while I was up and down attending to a toddler or small child. So, while I was preparing dinner, I would eat first ( like that oxygen mask thing) and then take care of them.

H would not get up at night with an infant. He felt that since he had to work, I should. So I stayed in the guest room with infants and had the crib there until they slept through the night better. I also had the kids in pre-school programs as soon as possible so I could get a bit of a break. Weekends, I was on 24/7 while H did his own thing. I would get them up early and take them to the park while he slept in /stayed home.

I adore my kids and am grateful for them every day. I put their needs first as far as my relationship needs went. If you choose to have a child, then that child's needs need to be a priority. I don't know what you plan to do since your child is IVF. If you are going through treatment, then I assume it is your eggs- are you carrying the child?  Are you both the parents on the birth certificate? Who will get custody if the relationship does not last? Are you legally married?  One thing to consider if your relationship isn't stable is- if this is your egg, and carried in your body, that you are legally listed on the birth certificate as the only parent, so in the case of a dispute, you don't share custody.