my egotism keeping me stuck

[raisins3142]

I broke NC by looking at my ex's pinterest and instagram last night.

When I saw a picture of her, I was relatively unmoved.

She has the same fake smile in all pictures.  Maybe she really was happy in them though.  Anyways, it was the smile she put on in front of me when in public and at the beginning of our relationship.  

I started comparing my mental images of her during most of our relationship where she was scowling with dead eyes and not interacting with me.

And the contrast was creepy.

This brings me to how my own egotism is keeping me from fully detaching emotionally.

I can't believe that I dated a mentally ill person for the length of time that I did.

My own opinion of myself is keeping me from realizing that I was in a relationship for over 6 months that was doomed, and I kind of knew it after about 6 weeks in.

So, I fluctuate between denial of this (maybe she wasn't cray cray?) or anger at myself and sometimes her.  This is keeping me from totally moving on.  It is almost as if I like feeling angry toward her and picking over my grudges.

Also, when she was devaluing me and acting oddly, I have no idea whether she was finding a potential replacement or not or cheating in some way.  I would not put it past her.  But I have no real evidence of anything, and she lived 45 minutes away and our social circles did not overlap.  By now, any evidence is destroyed, unattainable, or swirled up to be lost; so I have to accept that she  was the type to cheat and she was acting weird, but I have no idea what she was actually up to.  This really bothers me, and keeps me stuck as well.

I want to let go of her, I want to want to let go of her.

Suggestions?

[enlighten me]

Dont beat yourself up for looking. Personally I think its something you need to do. A bit of aversion therapy if you will. Its helped me. When I see my exgf I feel nothing. I no longer have little panic attacks. If she ever post a picture I dont see the woman I love. I see something darker, souless and lost.

Hang in there it does get better. Takes time though.

[Suzn]

Staying angry is easy. Anger is easier than hurting. It's only a mask for pain. I'm sure you've read that here before. Would it  be safe to say that seeing pictures of her smiling was a little sad?

Forgive yourself raisin. It doesn't matter if she was BPD or not, from what I read in your first post here she wasn't treating you well at all. Few of us would feel comfortable watching a partner flirt and exchange numbers with others. That's what single people do. Couples in committed relationships respect each other.

It takes a lot of courage to look within and see where we have some work to do. But it's hard to move forward and do that work when we can't forgive our own weaknesses. When we know better, we do better.  Yes?

[raisins3142]

Thanks all.

Yes, I am still saddened.

Also, what is keeping me stuck is that I ended things very abruptly, which seems almost like a BPD trait, which I'm sure I do not have (maybe some codependency though).

We were planning a trip and to leave in 5 days.

After scheduling the trip, our relationship was strained by her admitting to her STD status and her cheating on previous lovers (after lying about both).

She was very upset over this and cried and promised to fix things by earning my trust back.

Then we go out, she has drinks, and very obviously flirts with a man in front of me (like left me to talk to this nice man obviously hitting on her and after doing this before and being called out).

I went from 0 to 60 mph, and I ended things.  I saw clearly that I could not be with her.

It was very abrupt.  The bandage got tore off and we were both left in shock.

It was very emotional.

I am still upset that I did not sit down, discuss, and end things in a more adult fashion.  But she lit my fuse and I blew, and the past issues just primed this thing.  I had been drinking also.  But what I saw made a normally mild mannered and stable man (me even after a few beers) scream his head off in a bar parking lot.

I wish I could take that back and make things less painful for us both.

But I can't.  I need to forgive myself now and move on.

I've already apologized multiple times for not handling things a bit better.  That is all I can do.

[Suzn]

You both made mistakes. Welcome to the human race raisin. And you are just as angry, if not more so, with yourself for losing control. I get it. I bet you will do things differently if the situation ever presents itself in the future. We learn.

I would caution you to not assume she was as hurt by your anger as you may have been had the tables been turned. This was something that sent me right into a depression. I was SO disappointed in myself for my actions and I beat myself up for that for a very long time. She likely doesn't feel in the same ways as you do. It's a mature approach to acknowledge and take ownership of our mistakes. You are doing that, this is something to be proud of my friend. It gets better.  

[rlhmm]

hey raisin... .you said you looked at her pics and you see that same fake smile she would put on for everyone. mine had the same fake ass smile... .phony to the core... .it should comfort you to know that fake smile hides a multitude of ill will, shame and pain! i am comforted by that fact... .i hope you are too!    cheers my friend!

[christin5433]

I like what I've read so much kindness on a topic w egotism. The word that came out at me was previous things already had you primed up. You were already at a place of I'm sick of this disrespect . It's funny how we always feel guilt when we show that we are fed up at disrespect. The last week I was w my ex she needed to get some blood work. We're in a really rocky place and I still was there to take her to the dr. She left the house in some half dressed outfit. I told her zip up her jacket her chest was hanging out . She deliberately wouldn't treated me as if I was a controlling parent which to be honest I felt like one. She just let Herself hang out. I stayed quiet . So my point is it doesn't matter what they remember ... .At the end . I was pretty quiet towards our end which was a couple days later after that incident . It just doesn't matter it's still over . I didn't rage and she still painted me black. Ego or not I wish I would have yelled and went to 60. I did 0. It didn't matter I had a primed situation too. I just was non interested in the whole game anymore . She decided I'm sure to find a new player. Who knows. It's been 2 months. I've been in my own anxiety lately since Friday of wanting to know who what she's doing, I won't. I know respect is not gonna happen if I try to reach out. It's all just weakness and desire for closure but its just stupid because I know it would be worse. She would take it as a reason to hurt me more. So one day at a time .

[raisins3142]

Thank you.

Just read part of this

www.owndoc.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder-cause-therapy/

and it made me hurt and I almost broke NC by sending her flowers and a nice, platonic message to make her feel good.

But then I thought: why am I doing this?  Is it to make my guilt lessen?  Will it really help her or give her false hope and try to make her recycle and put us both in a weird place as it won't happen from my end?  Is she seeing someone new and it will complicate that situation?

So, I X'd out of the screen and did not go through with the order.

Sending flowers to give short term fix for emotional hurt is something I would do knowing her condition.  Because BPD is all about finding short term solutions to emotional hurt.  And so it is me being codependent.  She is an adult.  It has been over 3 months.  I have apologized.  I am no longer responsible for how she feels.

AND she is no longer responsible for how I feel.  And that is the crux of what I have being dealing with.

I am still upset and angry.  It has been enough time that if I am still feeling upset and angry, then it is not on her now.  It is my problem.  She cannot do anything from a place of NC in order to deal with emotions.  It is an obvious dead end.  I must take full responsibility for how I feel.  She is no longer doing anything to me to keep me upset.

[raisins3142]

And with that I might have identified the core wound.

I grew up from age 10 to 18 with a mother that was very emotionally unstable and she depended upon me.  At a relatively young age, she made me feel partially responsible for her emotional state.

I see now that I still feel responsible for my ex's current and past emotional state.

I hurt her and now I am preoccupied with her feelings and how she is acting right now or what she feeling.

So, I want to do what I can without opening total dialog, which is to send some anonymous flowers with a brief message to make her happier because she will know someone is thinking of her (but she will figure out they are from me).

It is because I still feel that the way she is feeling now is partially my fault.  But it is not, just as how I am feeling now is not her fault.

I have had time to process things.  If she still "rents" space in my head, then it is my responsibility.  As much as it is her responsibility to move on from any pain I caused her.

[christin5433]

Beautifully said. It sounds like you are exactly where I'm at. I believe it's our stuff now. Your not alone on this journey to find some peace of mind and some self respect . I get you want validation . I know I have this cute flower stand w hand cut flowers I'd love to bring to her. But even when I was w her I didn't during that last year it just wouldn't have been appreciated it would have been me smothering . It's just best to go thru my stuff MY stuff or I will continue to never get out of this hell. I can reach out give my best and what ?

My best was never enough

[raisins3142]

I think my uBPDexgf had an overwhelming need to feel loved or appreciated.

She told me she abused MDMA for so long because taking it made her feel loved for the first time (and she said she still craved that feeling after more than a decade without using it).  So, she took it until it no longer worked and hurt her brain.

And I feel that is why when I brought her around people she would busy herself with receiving attention and ignore me.

She knew she kinda had me in the bag, and when presented with new sources of admiration she just could not help herself and acted on impulse.

She needed to feel liked or wanted very badly.  And so, I was not enough.  In situations where she could demand constant attention (from a male thinking he was hitting it off with her), then I was not enough or even included in the dynamic.  I might never have been enough all along, given the depth of the emotional need.  Thing is, I did not really need any additional attention.  Especially female romantic attention.  My cup was filled and I was satiated.  She needed more to make her feel whole.  And you can guess the easiest way there is for a female of above average looks to get attention (give men by themselves a lot of attention).