How do i make the detachment and the ending of the relationship less painful

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

So here i tell you my story... .

It´s been 4 months i am with this guy.

I met him at a very strange time of my life , and it felt like a miracle to me .

He was like the perfect man on earth , very handsome , sweet , intelligent , talented and gave me all that attention , he made me feel like i was some kind of rare treasure .

It all happened so fast , i just found myself in a relationship with this guy .

I can not deny i liked him so much , but i was confused on how fast he started to talk me about moving together ,marriage , travelling , plans and stuff like that .

The first 2 weeks were heaven, but when we made 1 month together its were i strated to notice that something was not ok.

I live with a family member actually , and i used to share my time with him and this family member who is elder .

We live half an hour distance from each other , so everytime i had to go home after being with him all day i noticed that he had this kind of ``attacks`` , he became angry suffering with himself , being sad ect , and told me he felt like suffocating and pain everytime i had to go home.

He was jealous of every men i had to deal with , friends ect , he was jealous even of my male cousin .

He gets mad at me for spending much more time with my friends than with him even though it is not true ,he kinda ``forced`` me to distance from my friends , to leave my job as a bartender because he was so jealous , and kinda to distance from my school friends and contacts too.

We fight a lot about stupid things , for minor ``problems`` , sometimes i thing all these ``problems`` are absurd. He is so arrogant with other people , he has this mania to be valued , to tell others (not directly)how much he knows and how many talents he has . Sometimes he gets depressed for no reason and tells me ``he is worth nothing`` , ``he has no reason to live`` , ``he cant support people`` ect .

Other way , he is loving and very caring with me , he tries to complete every desire of mine , other times he puts the blame on me when we fight , acuses me for not caring and that i will abandon him sooner or later , he drives me crazy . There was never physical abuse , i dont even think he might think to hurt me on some kind of way , but verbally he made me feel soo miserable .

He gets upset about stupid things like once i refused to make a coffe for us because i was tired , he acused me for not caring for him and made a goddamn drama about it .

He gets angry so easily with people and situations and feels like everybody has it with him , like everybody misses respect to him... .I didnt involve him too much with my social life because he is that much of complicated and arrogant that makes me feel in shame . Its been 4 months i closed facebook , instagram or any kind of contact with my social life and friends and contacts just because of him to make him feel better . i kinda gave up my normal life just to make him feel better . I feel so much pressure ,im so afraid when i walk on the street with him of meeting a male friend randomly because he would get really suspicious and angry .

He acts highly protective , obsessive , jealous and depressive . He has mood swings and everything i read on the internet about Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms . I didnt knew about BPD before but a friend of my told me about it to do some research , i have read o lotttttt about it and i found my boyfriend in every word of every article about BPD . Im not sure if i love him but i feel empathy , i feel so sorry for him and i cant just leave . Im soo tired of this relationship and it is driving me crazy since i have depressive moods myself and i cant handle this . i treid to leave 4 times , and the 4 times i coundt make it , it was IMPOSSIBLE , the first time it was terrible , he started crying and begging me not to leave him because all he did was loving me , promising me he would be a better man for me and other stuff... .other times he would make me feel guilty for everything , once he became violet to me but didnt touch me , just breaking things around the house . We lived 1 month together because my family member went out of state , but now im back home finally ... .He is so depressed about it . He lives alone ... .

a week ago we had a discussion about something stupid and there i decided to tell him what i suspected his problem was (i forgot to tell you he was conscious he had a problem just he named it complexes and depression) . So i told him about BPD , he read all the article and started crying , and told me he feels like this, ``this is me , what should i do now?`` , he makes substance abuse and keeps telling me he cant afford therapy right now , but i find it an excuse , because he spends so much money on ``green`` substance and on shopping stupid things , and all that money together its enough for therapy and more .

There are moments he is ok , but after all the trauma and fights and crying and pain ive been through this 4 months ive realised i want to end permanently this relationship because THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I PLANNED FOR MYSELF , i know im being selfish but i had other things in my mind , my career , my friends , my projects ... .i was recovering myself from my dads death and my personal issues and all this wasnt needed .

I feel so guilty when i want to leave , and think ... .what about him , what is he going to do , how is he going to feel , he is alone , he has some friends but still he is so attached to me . He keeps telling me how much he is in love with me , how he doesnt want to loose me , that he knows his issues , that he doesnt get angry with me but with hisself for being this way . he tells me never to leave him .

But im soo destroying myself , my nerves , my health and my future . I cant sleep , im very depressive and sad about this , i miss my life , i miss my friends i miss my everything like it was before meeting this person , and i want it back and im so convinced about it and leaving him , i just cant find a decent way and time to do it without feeling soo bad .

I force myself everyday to arrange my time with home , studies and him , he brings me so much stress .

His moods affects me very muchhhh ... .

What do i do? how do i leave him ?  

i sometimes have feelings for him , caring , and other , but im conscious that i can not help him , and that im sacrificing myself for somebody else .

Please help me how do i get out of this as i am still in time .

Maybe i didnt explain it very well and my english is poor but right now it is very intense from his part , but for me not that much , im forcing myself so much , i have to confirm him every 5 minutes how much i love him and to show him attention that it has become a frustration for me . This is not how a relationship should be , this is not the relationship i wanted ... .i want to get out immediately... .

anyone with the same experience please help me ... .how do i make the detachment and the ending of the relationship less painful for him ... .

</3    

[ImGoingCrazy]

Hi everyone,

So here i tell you my story... .

It´s been 4 months i am with this guy.

I met him at a very strange time of my life , and it felt like a miracle to me .

He was like the perfect man on earth , very handsome , sweet , intelligent , talented and gave me all that attention , he made me feel like i was some kind of rare treasure .

It all happened so fast , i just found myself in a relationship with this guy .

I can not deny i liked him so much , but i was confused on how fast he started to talk me about moving together ,marriage , travelling , plans and stuff like that .

The first 2 weeks were heaven, but when we made 1 month together its were i strated to notice that something was not ok.

I live with a family member actually , and i used to share my time with him and this family member who is elder .

We live half an hour distance from each other , so everytime i had to go home after being with him all day i noticed that he had this kind of ``attacks`` , he became angry suffering with himself , being sad ect , and told me he felt like suffocating and pain everytime i had to go home.

He was jealous of every men i had to deal with , friends ect , he was jealous even of my male cousin .

He gets mad at me for spending much more time with my friends than with him even though it is not true ,he kinda ``forced`` me to distance from my friends , to leave my job as a bartender because he was so jealous , and kinda to distance from my school friends and contacts too.

We fight a lot about stupid things , for minor ``problems`` , sometimes i thing all these ``problems`` are absurd. He is so arrogant with other people , he has this mania to be valued , to tell others (not directly)how much he knows and how many talents he has . Sometimes he gets depressed for no reason and tells me ``he is worth nothing`` , ``he has no reason to live`` , ``he cant support people`` ect .

Other way , he is loving and very caring with me , he tries to complete every desire of mine , other times he puts the blame on me when we fight , acuses me for not caring and that i will abandon him sooner or later , he drives me crazy . There was never physical abuse , i dont even think he might think to hurt me on some kind of way , but verbally he made me feel soo miserable .

He gets upset about stupid things like once i refused to make a coffe for us because i was tired , he acused me for not caring for him and made a goddamn drama about it .

He gets angry so easily with people and situations and feels like everybody has it with him , like everybody misses respect to him... .I didnt involve him too much with my social life because he is that much of complicated and arrogant that makes me feel in shame . Its been 4 months i closed facebook , instagram or any kind of contact with my social life and friends and contacts just because of him to make him feel better . i kinda gave up my normal life just to make him feel better . I feel so much pressure ,im so afraid when i walk on the street with him of meeting a male friend randomly because he would get really suspicious and angry .

He acts highly protective , obsessive , jealous and depressive . He has mood swings and everything i read on the internet about Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms . I didnt knew about BPD before but a friend of my told me about it to do some research , i have read o lotttttt about it and i found my boyfriend in every word of every article about BPD . Im not sure if i love him but i feel empathy , i feel so sorry for him and i cant just leave . Im soo tired of this relationship and it is driving me crazy since i have depressive moods myself and i cant handle this . i treid to leave 4 times , and the 4 times i coundt make it , it was IMPOSSIBLE , the first time it was terrible , he started crying and begging me not to leave him because all he did was loving me , promising me he would be a better man for me and other stuff... .other times he would make me feel guilty for everything , once he became violet to me but didnt touch me , just breaking things around the house . We lived 1 month together because my family member went out of state , but now im back home finally ... .He is so depressed about it . He lives alone ... .

a week ago we had a discussion about something stupid and there i decided to tell him what i suspected his problem was (i forgot to tell you he was conscious he had a problem just he named it complexes and depression) . So i told him about BPD , he read all the article and started crying , and told me he feels like this, ``this is me , what should i do now?`` , he makes substance abuse and keeps telling me he cant afford therapy right now , but i find it an excuse , because he spends so much money on ``green`` substance and on shopping stupid things , and all that money together its enough for therapy and more .

There are moments he is ok , but after all the trauma and fights and crying and pain ive been through this 4 months ive realised i want to end permanently this relationship because THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I PLANNED FOR MYSELF , i know im being selfish but i had other things in my mind , my career , my friends , my projects ... .i was recovering myself from my dads death and my personal issues and all this wasnt needed .

I feel so guilty when i want to leave , and think ... .what about him , what is he going to do , how is he going to feel , he is alone , he has some friends but still he is so attached to me . He keeps telling me how much he is in love with me , how he doesnt want to loose me , that he knows his issues , that he doesnt get angry with me but with hisself for being this way . he tells me never to leave him .

But im soo destroying myself , my nerves , my health and my future . I cant sleep , im very depressive and sad about this , i miss my life , i miss my friends i miss my everything like it was before meeting this person , and i want it back and im so convinced about it and leaving him , i just cant find a decent way and time to do it without feeling soo bad .

I force myself everyday to arrange my time with home , studies and him , he brings me so much stress .

His moods affects me very muchhhh ... .

What do i do? how do i leave him ?  

i sometimes have feelings for him , caring , and other , but im conscious that i can not help him , and that im sacrificing myself for somebody else .

Please help me how do i get out of this as i am still in time .

Maybe i didnt explain it very well and my english is poor but right now it is very intense from his part , but for me not that much , im forcing myself so much , i have to confirm him every 5 minutes how much i love him and to show him attention that it has become a frustration for me . This is not how a relationship should be , this is not the relationship i wanted ... .i want to get out immediately... .

anyone with the same experience please help me ... .how do i make the detachment and the ending of the relationship less painful for him ... .

</3    

[Mike-X]

Sorry that you are going through all of this. You are not alone in having gone through all of this, as you will see in reading the stories of others on this forum.

You say that you are feeling guilty for wanting to leave and feeling obligated to take care of him. Why you? Who protected him before you? Why don't you think that he will be fine in the long run after you break up? Break ups definitely hurt in the short run for a wide range of reasons.

You seem to feel guilty for wanting to take care of yourself, using words like selfish. Why do you feel guilty? Who is supposed to take care of your physical and mental health?

If you are concerned about his well-being, is he supposed to be concerned about your well-being?

You might want to read the lessons, particularly on FOG.

[zeus123]

mike-x. great response. you are absolutely right.

[ImGoingCrazy]

yeah i think u are so right Mike-x , thank u

[Mike-X]

You're welcome, and thank you. Be well.

[OnceConfused]

You cannot make anything more or less painful for him. You will have to take care of the number one, YOU. Pain or not is how each of us perceives an event. For me, this event could be nothing but for you the same event could bring on bad memory and pain. One day we can be so excited about the snow flakes in the air, but yet after 1 week and over 100 inches of snow, that white stuff is just too much for us. Same white stuff but different reactions.

I think you have begun to notice that BPD will try to isolate you from all of your support systems so as they can easily control you. After the lessons I learned with xBPDgf, I now see life in a much different light, perhaps more determined about my own happiness. I now understand that my happiness is mine to make, not others to give. This way I don't have to be slave to anyone for a sliver of the happiness. I create my own. If the other person wants to join me and create more happiness then I would welcome her, but if she comes into my life with more dramas (like the old xBPDgf) I am ready to say thank you and depart.

why sacrifice your happiness ?