I didn't believe it could be true... now I am completely broken

[Depression = 72% of members]

I look at my last post in April of 2014 and it's surreal how I saw it and deep down just couldn't believe it. I am crushed... .Completely broken... .Feel like I don't have the strength to breathe. All of the arguments and insecurities were justified yet I was made to think it was all in my head. I was seeing a counselor for two years who gently reassured me that it was the relationship making me crazy. But I insisted it was me. I was insecure, I had trust issues, nothing was ever good enough for me, I had crazy thoughts in my head that I couldn't make go away. I was playing the push pull games... .I broke up with her at least monthly. I was the borderline. I don't know what was different this time. I told her we didn't work, I told her we just weren't compatible. I told her to move on. Normally this would follow with a series of texts, phone calls, and stalking. This time complete silence. A week and a half later... .On valentines night the picture of her and my replacement was on FB. I'm in bed depressed on valentines and she's out with her new beau. But this is what I wanted right? It my own fault... .I pushed her away one too many times. I needed to escape yet the pain is unreal. I insist that it has to be me... .but my therapist keeps assuring me it's not... .why can't I believe that?

[Sanity searcher]

I look at my last post in April of 2014 and it's surreal how I saw it and deep down just couldn't believe it. I am crushed... .Completely broken... .Feel like I don't have the strength to breathe. All of the arguments and insecurities were justified yet I was made to think it was all in my head. I was seeing a counselor for two years who gently reassured me that it was the relationship making me crazy. But I insisted it was me. I was insecure, I had trust issues, nothing was ever good enough for me, I had crazy thoughts in my head that I couldn't make go away. I was playing the push pull games... .I broke up with her at least monthly. I was the borderline. I don't know what was different this time. I told her we didn't work, I told her we just weren't compatible. I told her to move on. Normally this would follow with a series of texts, phone calls, and stalking. This time complete silence. A week and a half later... .On valentines night the picture of her and my replacement was on FB. I'm in bed depressed on valentines and she's out with her new beau. But this is what I wanted right? It my own fault... .I pushed her away one too many times. I needed to escape yet the pain is unreal. I insist that it has to be me... .but my therapist keeps assuring me it's not... .why can't I believe that?

[CloseToFreedom]

I look at my last post in April of 2014 and it's surreal how I saw it and deep down just couldn't believe it. I am crushed... .Completely broken... .Feel like I don't have the strength to breathe. All of the arguments and insecurities were justified yet I was made to think it was all in my head. I was seeing a counselor for two years who gently reassured me that it was the relationship making me crazy. But I insisted it was me. I was insecure, I had trust issues, nothing was ever good enough for me, I had crazy thoughts in my head that I couldn't make go away. I was playing the push pull games... .I broke up with her at least monthly. I was the borderline. I don't know what was different this time. I told her we didn't work, I told her we just weren't compatible. I told her to move on. Normally this would follow with a series of texts, phone calls, and stalking. This time complete silence. A week and a half later... .On valentines night the picture of her and my replacement was on FB. I'm in bed depressed on valentines and she's out with her new beau. But this is what I wanted right? It my own fault... .I pushed her away one too many times. I needed to escape yet the pain is unreal. I insist that it has to be me... .but my therapist keeps assuring me it's not... .why can't I believe that?

I have been (and still going through) the same thing. I often broke things off. She even called me the one with borderline. But please, try to see why you kept breaking things off, just like I did. Because living with someone who sucks the life out of you isnt sustainable. I just couldn't do it for more than a few months at a time. So after each honeymoon phase, she started becoming difficult and it just kept piling up and piling up and I had to break it off eventually.

She is with her replacement now as well. Don't worry, in the end the same thing will happen there, unless he's even a bigger doormat than we were.

[Infared]

Keep, talking to your T.  If you are like me... .this is immensely hard to do... .(but easy to say)... .set your emotions aside... .and look at her actions. Just her actions.

Do you want to be with someone who can attach to someone else in 5 mins? (And don't think that that new beau was not in play while she was with you... .because he was). Shut out all the words and only see the actions... especially the current ones.

All you can do right now is save you... .so try to be super selfish in a healthy way and start to hug yourself with all you've got as you walk out of the evil forest.  

Just start reaching out for support... .I found so much of it when I made a decision to take care of me and started looking for help. I had to hit bottom, before I could start my climb out of the hell that I was in... .and I found that, yes... .I was worth it!  I also had to be gentle with myself (put the club down), and look at my part in what had lead me there. It's a journey to a better you!

[Deeno02]

Not to be short with as I totally understand and have been where you are, and, I admit, still am at times. Please block her from everything. NC is needed. You dont need to see that crap. Try and let her go. Its hard, but must be done.

[going places]

I look at my last post in April of 2014 and it's surreal how I saw it and deep down just couldn't believe it. I am crushed... .Completely broken... .Feel like I don't have the strength to breathe. All of the arguments and insecurities were justified yet I was made to think it was all in my head.

BTDT.

It will take time, but you can re-wire your brain.

From the moment my ex's mask fell off until I was free? 3 years.

But every single day I am away from him I am one step closer to LIFE! It's amazing... .

I was seeing a counselor for two years who gently reassured me that it was the relationship making me crazy. But I insisted it was me. I was insecure, I had trust issues, nothing was ever good enough for me, I had crazy thoughts in my head that I couldn't make go away. I was playing the push pull games... .I broke up with her at least monthly. I was the borderline.

BTDT

My ex AND his family have said "oh she must have hormone issues" (Um, I was 30).

His family abused me; he abused me (apple didn't fall too far from the tree).

After 20 years of marriage, he had me 100% mentally whipped.

Then his mask fell off.

And from the brink of self destruction to where I am today (which is in a great place) it took 3 long years.

Have your T walk you thru how to only think with the logical brain and not with emotions... .

That puts things in a clearer view.

You were brain washed; plain and simple.

I don't know what was different this time. I told her we didn't work, I told her we just weren't compatible. I told her to move on. Normally this would follow with a series of texts, phone calls, and stalking. This time complete silence

A human being can only take so much; everyone has a break point.

Do not disturb the silence.

Heal... .stay away from the poison.

A week and a half later... .On valentines night the picture of her and my replacement was on FB. I'm in bed depressed on valentines and she's out with her new beau. But this is what I wanted right?

In order to save your own life, yes. This is what HAS to happen.

Focus on you.

BLOCK all social media so you are not tempted to 'see'.

Focus, on YOU

It my own fault... .I pushed her away one too many times. I needed to escape yet the pain is unreal. I insist that it has to be me... .but my therapist keeps assuring me it's not... .why can't I believe that?

BRAIN WASHED.

You have NO idea how powerful someone is over you when they brain wash you.

You need, for your own survival, you need to focus 100% on you.

It is NOT your fault.

Listen to your T and focus all your energy on healing you!

[Sanity searcher]

Thank you all so much for your reassuring responses. I keep telling myself it had to end. I feared so much the point where she would paint me black and replace me... .yet it was the only thing that would save me from that relationship. I still lay here in bed... .as I have for two days... .in complete disbelief. And although I know I need to get up and fight for myself, I just can't... .can't hardly even breathe... .

[Caredverymuch]

Thank you all so much for your reassuring responses. I keep telling myself it had to end. I feared so much the point where she would paint me black and replace me... .yet it was the only thing that would save me from that relationship. I still lay here in bed... .as I have for two days... .in complete disbelief. And although I know I need to get up and fight for myself, I just can't... .can't hardly even breathe... .

You are not crazy.  These r/s are and the intense pulling of us in then brisk pushing of us far away all riddled with harsh projections play deep tricks in a traumatized heart trying desperately to make sense of that which makes no logical sense.  This whole repeated dynamic is where the trauma bond strongly forms.  One minute its beyond wonderful, the next minute your slapped with projections and discarded leaving you to consistently try to prove your love to someone who cannot know real love.   They up the ante and move the goal post every time.  Its a never ending no win situation with the final act of emotional abuse being immediately replaced and forgotten.

You are not crazy.

We've all been ambushed by this very crazy making dynamic called a BPD r/s.  We've all had days where we couldn't get out of bed.  Couldn't breathe.  Could barely walk. This is the result of emotional abuse and the trauma these ppl inflict. 

Please do whatever you need to do to take care of you. I know its early for you to fully comprehend or even want to hear this but you're life will be far better being out of that r/s.  You will be okay.  You will heal.  You will feel less and less of the brutal hurt as you distance yourself from your ex.  There was nothing you did or did not do to cause this.  Remember that.  You're ex has a serious mental illness.  The disorder wins everytime.

Sending support.  The BPD family is here for you.

[Infared]

Thank you all so much for your reassuring responses. I keep telling myself it had to end. I feared so much the point where she would paint me black and replace me... .yet it was the only thing that would save me from that relationship. I still lay here in bed... .as I have for two days... .in complete disbelief. And although I know I need to get up and fight for myself, I just can't... .can't hardly even breathe... .

I can tell you that it is normal.  Go with it. Feel your feelings. All of them.   Its you... .and you will heal!  

[CloseToFreedom]

It IS normal. I have the same thing. My ex has brought me to the lowest point in my life. I can hardly get out of bed too. Work is suffering. Im working with a T now and am almost a week on anti-depressives. I still feel no better than 12 weeks ago when we split up.

Your and mine situation are so alike. I keep thinking its my fault, if only I would've tried harder. If only I would have let her walk all over me. That's the thing: we were strong enough to NOT let them destroy our entire personality. We resisted. That created arguments, that made sure we dumped their asses, but the pain we felt afterwards made us take them back. But now that she (your ex as well as mine) has a replacement, this is not possible anymore.

And as much as it hurts, its for the best. It was the only way for us to get out of this macabre dance. One day, we'll feel lucky that we've got out. That day is not today. its not next week either. Hell, its probably not going to be in the next few months. But one day, we will be the lucky ones.

[Infared]

It IS normal. I have the same thing. My ex has brought me to the lowest point in my life. I can hardly get out of bed too. Work is suffering. Im working with a T now and am almost a week on anti-depressives. I still feel no better than 12 weeks ago when we split up.

Your and mine situation are so alike. I keep thinking its my fault, if only I would've tried harder. If only I would have let her walk all over me. That's the thing: we were strong enough to NOT let them destroy our entire personality. We resisted. That created arguments, that made sure we dumped their asses, but the pain we felt afterwards made us take them back. But now that she (your ex as well as mine) has a replacement, this is not possible anymore.

And as much as it hurts, its for the best. It was the only way for us to get out of this macabre dance. One day, we'll feel lucky that we've got out. That day is not today. its not next week either. Hell, its probably not going to be in the next few months. But one day, we will be the lucky ones.

WOW... .I am far out of the woods now... .and I declined to take the medication as I have addiction issues... .but what I lived thru ... .and if I had not actually lived it I would not believe it or expect someone else to... .but I did not sleep one wink for 2 whole months.  I had so much anxiety and depression it was just unbelievable.   Panic attacks.  It was just a rough ride... .but it did get better if I stayed TOTAL NC and moved forward. Any contact with her was just devastating for me.  It was like drinking gasoline. Not recommended.

[vbor]

This sounded like the exact same version of my Valentine's Day as well. Even got the new happily-ever-after Facebook pic with my replacement (who I found out she went on a date with exactly 2 hours prior to telling me "we need a break". The thing that puzzles me is I too kept trying to break it off with me exBPD on a regular basis for the past six months. I didn't know why I was driven to that decision so many times. I didn't even know what a boarderline was. She had told me about it once at the very beginning over two years ago... .I never looked into it and we never discussed it. It's still hard to put into words what I was feeling when I tried to break it off with her on each occasion. I felt like I was being crushed emotionally. Life had become a dark place and I was just miserable all the time. I had no ambition, no appreciation for really anything, no respect for myself or my well-being, nothing was making me happy. My friends and co-workers all saw this in me. Sadly, I did not. I do think, in the end, she realized that I was finally slipping away. That my intuition and better judgement was finally struggling to the surface. Looking back and looking at all this from the outside... .I realize I had become her and I only saw the world through her eyes.

I keep yelling at myself and saying "but you wanted out all those times. Why the heck can't I just let it go now?" I've gone through breakups before but this last one... .but I've NEVER felt this way. It was that feeling that led me to a therapist and to a lot of reading and then ultimately here.

I know it's going to get better. It already has. It's been only a month now of NC except for the FB peek this weekend (which I terribly regret now). I won't let the pain eat at me. I will continue to analyze it and understand it and focus mainly on what my role was in all of this. I don't want that pain to ever become a permanent part of me. It is just an obstacle I need to work though and overcome and in the end... .I will be stronger and better off for letting it have taught me a valuable lesson. Even though the sadness is always somewhere in the back of my mind, my life in general HAS improved dramatically. I feel more balanced and more at peace with myself and the world. I'm amazed at how quickly I started feeling better. Imagine that... .the most intense relationship having just ended and life immediately starts returning to normal? Very confusing indeed.

Only a week ago my 10 year old Son told me ":)ad, you seem different now. You look happy." I am happy. For the first time in years and I plan to stay this way.

[cloudten]

This sounded like the exact same version of my Valentine's Day as well. Even got the new happily-ever-after Facebook pic with my replacement (who I found out she went on a date with exactly 2 hours prior to telling me "we need a break". The thing that puzzles me is I too kept trying to break it off with me exBPD on a regular basis for the past six months. I didn't know why I was driven to that decision so many times. I didn't even know what a boarderline was. She had told me about it once at the very beginning over two years ago... .I never looked into it and we never discussed it. It's still hard to put into words what I was feeling when I tried to break it off with her on each occasion. I felt like I was being crushed emotionally. Life had become a dark place and I was just miserable all the time. I had no ambition, no appreciation for really anything, no respect for myself or my well-being, nothing was making me happy. My friends and co-workers all saw this in me. Sadly, I did not. I do think, in the end, she realized that I was finally slipping away. That my intuition and better judgement was finally struggling to the surface. Looking back and looking at all this from the outside... .I realize I had become her and I only saw the world through her eyes.

I keep yelling at myself and saying "but you wanted out all those times. Why the heck can't I just let it go now?" I've gone through breakups before but this last one... .but I've NEVER felt this way. It was that feeling that led me to a therapist and to a lot of reading and then ultimately here.

I have lived this- this has been my life.

I lost friends through this too who just got sick and tired of hearing about it. I don't blame them. Don't lose the friends you have by burdening them with this. Someone who hasn't been thru it just doesn't understand. Just like someone who doesn't have children doesn't understand being a parent. Just like someone who has never been thru a divorce doesn't understand a divorce. Just like someone who isn't a soldier doesn't understand the PTSD of a wounded warrior. So- lean on the group here. I have found its more helpful than my "real life" friends who know nothing- and frankly don't care all that much. 

They do actually have in-person support groups for people like us. I know of a therapist in Philadelphia who does 3 sessions a week. I am sure there are others in your city. I would discuss with your T and see if they know of one or can find one for you. The best and only real support I have found is from people who have lived with it and have been in our shoes. Those are the only people who truly understand.

As for me- I am determined to delete my entire facebook page today. In 90 days, if I remain NC with him, I will reward myself by starting a new profile and only friending my family members and closest friends. Someone in another thread gave me that suggestion (i don't remember who- sorry) and I am going to do it.  I am also trusting others here who have successfully let go or are successfully letting go---- I am getting rid of all of the photos, gifts, memories, emails, texts... .everything. Erase him from my life. Everyone who has been successful say that they wish they had done it much sooner in the process... .and i am going to trust them because I cannot trust myself.

Lean on us.

[christin5433]

So from April until now you have been going to T and NC?

I got a text last night random about Netflix its been about 3 weeks we haven't talked, 2 months post b/u.

Just that random text sent me into some feelings this morning of Im lost wo her.

I actually feel sorry for myself that I'm in such need of her still.

So I get it. Its so sad how this whole detachment is so slow in changing and living in that anxiety is torture

because its so hard to be present.

Then they just find a new person and we I guess could too if we wanted. I have a hard time with being with a new person

when I still feel unresolved.

[jhkbuzz]

So from April until now you have been going to T and NC?

I got a text last night random about Netflix its been about 3 weeks we haven't talked, 2 months post b/u.

Just that random text sent me into some feelings this morning of Im lost wo her.

I actually feel sorry for myself that I'm in such need of her still.

So I get it. Its so sad how this whole detachment is so slow in changing and living in that anxiety is torture

because its so hard to be present.

Then they just find a new person and we I guess could too if we wanted. I have a hard time with being with a new person

when I still feel unresolved.

Wow, that must have been really surprising and difficult for you.  How did you handle it with her?

You are not lost w/o her, by the way.  You are on a journey towards discovering yourself again.

And, as for the bolded text:  that's because you are going through a normal, healthy grieving process.  Be thankful for it - you know what it would mean if you weren't.

[downwhim]

Sanity searcher,

Thank you so much for this post. It has been 4 1/2 months since my b/u. I had a set back when I broke N/C two weeks ago. Please understand this does take time. I am by no way healed and I will not break N/C again to set me back one more time. It is not worth it. My doctor recommended anti depressants which I took for awhile but they did not agree with my stomach. I am on anti anxiety pills. They seem to help a great deal.

I too tried many times to break up with him the last two months. I was in so much pain with his push and pulling. I was on edge and had panic and anxiety attacks due to his constant projections. He wanted out of the engagement but his way of telling me was to rage, give the silent treatment and cut off sexual contact. He was cruel too as he would show me two people making love on a movie and say "that use to be us." Well, it couldn't be us because he refused to touch me! He was a monster. He is 6'2 and 210 lbs and a former Marine. Big, good looking guy that is so out of control at times that I feared for my safety. From the stress of all of it my hair started thinning and my self esteem was so low. I felt like I was a nothing. I felt unloved and alone. I certainly did not feel like a bride to be getting ready for the rest of my life with the man I loved.

He would say I love you everyday while he was pulling this crap. He would say I was beautiful. He would pretend and then get mean. I kept distancing myself out of fear of him. we planned a trip to Cabo and I cancelled it. I knew he would ruin the trip (again) and rage at me for nothing. Fact is for 8 years I was abused by a BPD bully. You do not heal overnight. I am not healed now but I do not live with a pit in my stomach or fear of him.

To help myself, I am moving away as I live too close to him and do not want to see my replacement.

I am so glad you are on the board. Please keep writing and take care of yourself. I have found this site above all the best support and very comforting. Move forward, be kind to yourself and hang in there for there is hope.  

[christin5433]

It IS normal. I have the same thing. My ex has brought me to the lowest point in my life. I can hardly get out of bed too. Work is suffering. Im working with a T now and am almost a week on anti-depressives. I still feel no better than 12 weeks ago when we split up.

Your and mine situation are so alike. I keep thinking its my fault, if only I would've tried harder. If only I would have let her walk all over me. That's the thing: we were strong enough to NOT let them destroy our entire personality. We resisted. That created arguments, that made sure we dumped their asses, but the pain we felt afterwards made us take them back. But now that she (your ex as well as mine) has a replacement, this is not possible anymore.

And as much as it hurts, its for the best. It was the only way for us to get out of this macabre dance. One day, we'll feel lucky that we've got out. That day is not today. its not next week either. Hell, its probably not going to be in the next few months. But one day, we will be the lucky ones.

.

WOW... .I am far out of the woods now... .and I declined to take the medication as I have addiction issues... .but what I lived thru ... .and if I had not actually lived it I would not believe it or expect someone else to... .but I did not sleep one wink for 2 whole months.  I had so much anxiety and depression it was just unbelievable.   Panic attacks.  It was just a rough ride... .but it did get better if I stayed TOTAL NC and moved forward. Any contact with her was just devastating for me.  It was like drinking gasoline. Not recommended.

Drinking gasoline! good visual to remind myself

[vbor]

Or an even more accurate "fuel" analogy... ."trying to put out fires with gasoline."

[christin5433]

So from April until now you have been going to T and NC?

I got a text last night random about Netflix its been about 3 weeks we haven't talked, 2 months post b/u.

Just that random text sent me into some feelings this morning of Im lost wo her.

I actually feel sorry for myself that I'm in such need of her still.

So I get it. Its so sad how this whole detachment is so slow in changing and living in that anxiety is torture

because its so hard to be present.

Then they just find a new person and we I guess could too if we wanted. I have a hard time with being with a new person

when I still feel unresolved.

Wow, that must have been really surprising and difficult for you.  How did you handle it with her?

You are not lost w/o her, by the way.  You are on a journey towards discovering yourself again.

And, as for the bolded text:  that's because you are going through a normal, healthy grieving process.  Be thankful for it - you know what it would mean if you weren't.

Well I handled with nothing. I was gonna write OK but I thought it would all start over little communication via text over BS talk. Nothing of value like "im sorry or have empathy for the HUGE damage she did to me and my daughter"

And yes I did feel I am lost wo her ... .It was me just feeling lonely.

I am thankful for my journey even if it does seem treacherous. I have no social media I made sure to deactivate during my grieving.

It amazes me she shut down ALL we had together bank accts,utilities, gym, med ins ( all in a weeks timeline- You would have thought I was a crack head) and PO BOx which I thought was odd since its pre paid so I had to get a whole mailbox number.

The gym really should have been dicussed so I could just transfer debit card.

Utilities was just vindictive REALLY

And MY bank acct on DEC 24 Christmas eve... .calling a 1-800 line pretending to be me?

So for some kind reason shes been letting me use the netflix? and wants to let me know of her sharing this.

It is for sure brain washing because I am conditioned to say Yes or OK to her always. Not Now.

Turning me black is a kind way of saying f me over with a MACK truck and driving away and leaving me for road kill, w a netflix acct.

Shutting

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

This sure is a gut buster.  They will do this because they cannot face abandonment.  This is the time to ask yourself some serious questions.  Was it really love if she could replace you in a minute?  Could anyone have a long term relationship with someone so fickle and disordered? You stuck with her through the pushing and the pulling but you knew it could not continue.   And she knew that you knew it was over.  That is why she jumped into another guy's bed.  Exactly the same thing happened with me.  Thank goodness for NC.  First rule of NC is don't check her FB account - it is a tool she will use to the devil's delight.  Hang in there.  It will get better.  Keep posting on this site.  All of us understand the pain.  Complete radio silence will be your best approach.  Chances are she will make contact in month or two when the idolisation phase begins to wane with the replacement.  This is when you really need to be strong because she will try and triangulate but you will think she seriously wants you back.  :)on't bite - if you do then chances are it will be a bait and dump job and you will be set back even further.  Stay strong mate.

[christin5433]

This sure is a gut buster.  They will do this because they cannot face abandonment.  This is the time to ask yourself some serious questions.  Was it really love if she could replace you in a minute?  Could anyone have a long term relationship with someone so fickle and disordered? You stuck with her through the pushing and the pulling but you knew it could not continue.   And she knew that you knew it was over.  That is why she jumped into another guy's bed.  Exactly the same thing happened with me.  Thank goodness for NC.  First rule of NC is don't check her FB account - it is a tool she will use to the devil's delight.  Hang in there.  It will get better.  Keep posting on this site.  All of us understand the pain.  Complete radio silence will be your best approach.  Chances are she will make contact in month or two when the idolisation phase begins to wane with the replacement.  This is when you really need to be strong because she will try and triangulate but you will think she seriously wants you back.  :)on't bite - if you do then chances are it will be a bait and dump job and you will be set back even further.  Stay strong mate.

Yes i had that triangulation w my ex and your right she didn't want her ex it was used for control and manipulation over me. I will not be the next! Mine wasnt a cheat I believe she seemed loyal she was w me all the time. But NOW yes fickle and abandoned and me she turned BLACK so Im sure the next is either already w her or Im sure ones being researched.

[Sanity searcher]

It's so reassuring to me that so many others have been through similar situations. And I feel for each and every one of you because I know the trauma it has caused me. The similarity in circumstances makes it almost seem pathological. This actually brings me comfort knowing that it was less about me and more about her disorder. The continuos circle our relationship was stuck in was not because I need help or forgot to take my "crazy pill".

Christin5433... .I am not sure if your question was to me ... .but no, I have not been separated since last April with NC. I had bounced in and out of it at least a dozen times since then.