Minimizing is still a shock to me 2 months later...

[christin5433]

I feel like my self esteem, confidence, just plain feeling self worth is still in recovery repair. I was called a thief from my ex when she went Psycho during her exit and smear campaign. First off,  she never ever thought of me in that way. We had some credit card debt but nothing we both were not paying? She even said things like she was supporting me and my kids? I mean for four years we were a family and shared the responsibility of loving our kids paying bills and doing family life actually not that bad off?

Just writing this makes my stomach hurt and its been one of the main thing that's bothered me?

It kills me inside to know she not only rejected me during this black out she turned on my kids who she had built a parental relationship with to use as a weapon to hurt me . 

I mean I love her daughter to this day and miss her so much as if she was my child.  A great loss of a mom and daughter connection.

I gave that relationship my all too. 

ALL the other verbal abuse I have had to endure during my 4 year r/s was actually getting less because of me leaving the home or not engaging, for short periods of time. 

We had a family, kids and she was my life partner.  I think this drastic change in status I still find myself shell shocked.

Our daughters love each and its been hard for me to go through such a mean vindictive  b/u when our daughters are in same school.  The thing is she calls it a bad b/u it was beyond bad... .I think its absolutely amazing how the minimize and look at things as if it can be summed up in a 3 letter word?

The word Bad. Well now 2 months post her annihilation of us and a ruined violent insane winter holiday on oxycodone, cops, having her ex try to bully and hit me, name calling verbal bashing with a smear campaign having others bash me too, THIS IS WHAT SUMS UP AS BAD and called me a THIEF.

I've worked and put all I have had financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. THEY LIE TO THEMSELVES.

I got robbed of my entire being.

Im glad I wrote that if any input id appreciate>

[Copperfox]

Hey Christin, I think it's human nature to try to minimize painful things in life. Taking responsibility for them takes a lot of strength and maturity.  Not exactly the strong suit of pwBPD.  She minimizes to avoid.  Another form of running away, really.  It's often how they cope.

Sounds like you are moving thru the stages of grief.  A little bit of anger can be good, keeps you focused.  Try to see past it though.  Long term, anger only holds you back.

[JRT]

I agree... .its ok to be mad... .pissed off is good too! I really didn't turn the corner on feeling better until I had called my ex on Xmas eve (she hung up when I said hello) and that sentiment was returned by a call from the local cops! It made me very angry and was enough to help me to move forward in recovering.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this... .I know that it is very painful but I also know that you will feel better... .it might be slower than you wish, but you WILL make it through.

[christin5433]

Yes guys I hear you 2-3 weeks ago I was trying to push myself into forgiveness because I figured that's my out ... I will stop feeling this intense undertoe of serious junk. Monitoring my level of pain doing all this self talk ... .I wanted a out I started being very sincere in my prayers of forgiveness and had glimpes of peace in such a deep way but this frick#n anger towards the sh#t she did to us was non human and I love this crap of a person . ok I'm obviously needing more of my Anger to be released. The fact is I don't like her one bit when I really think of it. She's trashy in her ways and I'm all caught up in some fantasy ... This black stage is no fantasy it's real.

I wrote this about addiction I never stuck a needle in my arm ...   But it's pretty obvious I was addicted .

[christin5433]

I'm out of that horror of a life I called love. I'm not mad I'm a good person who loved back and made plans for fun and wanted intimacy but it is sad these people are absolutely wired for unhappiness in all they touch. I like the analogy of the drug addiction ... .We stick a needle in our arm to get euphoric and then we need more and the supplier ups the price and starts to treat you as a low life druggie ... .You begin to look and want to get your fix even though its killing you and draining your spirit. You begin to live for the drug... .And the drug has no alliance except to the highest bidder. So she's the drug and were spent and used up. Addiction takes lives and spits them out.