To the Christians on these boards - Part 2

[jhkbuzz]

I'm going to re-post this since we got a little sidetracked on the original post!

I read something recently by a member named Jaybird.  As she described the end of her r/s she also addressed the struggle that many of us have with low self esteem after these r/s's end. The following quote really stood out to me:

"Fortunately by then [i.e. by the time her r/s ended] my self-esteem and sense of self worth was well established and rooted in God's perception of me."

In other words (unlike most of us) her self esteem didn't suffer a devastating blow at the end of her r/s with her ex because she didn't receive validation of her self worth from him in the first place - she instead received it within the context of her r/s to God.

I'm going to refrain from posting my faith experiences for now, but her post made me think about how far I've wandered from my own faith, and how I think that my healing may lie in that direction.

So I'd like to know:  if you consider yourself a Christian, how did your faith guide your process of detachment and forgiveness?

[going places]

So I'd like to know:  if you consider yourself a Christian, how did your faith guide your process of detachment and forgiveness?

I am a Believer and Follower of Jesus Christ.

My Faith... .Sometimes it was strong enough to hold up the weight of the world.

Sometimes... .I had to ask friends to 'believe for me'... .I never "denied" my Lord, or my Faith... .but there were times when there was not enough evidence to convict me of being a Believer.

The Lord said: Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for I the Lord your God goes with you, and NEVER will I leave you or forsake you.

I held Him to that Promise.

The Lord said: He has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me.

Thru detachment, I prayed; begged Him for strength. He provided.

NOT the way I wanted, or when I wanted it.

But when I needed it.

I am still working on the forgiveness.

I am light years ahead of where I was 4 months ago.

I am billions of light years ahead of where I was 8 months ago.

But I have not 'arrived' at full forgiveness yet.

But I will.

Because God is Good. And He has Plans for me.

I quit listening to 'chruchy' people and 'churchy' advice, and just read God's Word, prayed, and sought His Will based upon the Spirit leading me thru His Word.

Believers will TOTALLY understand what I am saying!

[Turkish]

My T related the story of Moses, and how his face shown with the glory of God after he came down from Mt. Sinai. He also said that God defines our self worth, and in relating it to my children, said that children see themselves as reflections in the faces of their parents. (Angry parent=angry child?, etc.).

He also offered that while I had a right to be angry, that my Ex was also a child of God, even if she was making foolish choices. That helped me also see her as an independent person cable of making choices, and despite her poor choices, that God still loved her. He suggested, in a way, that I do the same (with boundaries). He said that it was not wrong to practice patience and kindness towards her, the two aspects of love (according to 1st Corinthians 13: 4-7) that he thought I could exhibit. He's right. My patience often wears thin, though, when it comes to stuff with the kids.

She's now engaged to her "affair" partner, and I'm still angry, especially since I'll have to see him twice a year at the kids' birthdays, and possibly more later. It's very, very tough for me. I accept that she's gone and with someone else, but this is where I am stuck.

[jhkbuzz]

Thru detachment, I prayed; begged Him for strength. He provided.

NOT the way I wanted, or when I wanted it.

But when I needed it.

Sometimes I make the mistake of demanding when I should be humble... .I need to remember that I will receive what's best for me when I need it.  Thank you.

I am still working on the forgiveness.

I am light years ahead of where I was 4 months ago.

I am billions of light years ahead of where I was 8 months ago.

But I have not 'arrived' at full forgiveness yet.

But I will.

Because God is Good. And He has Plans for me.

This is so hopeful... .thank you!

[jhkbuzz]

He also offered that while I had a right to be angry, that my Ex was also a child of God, even if she was making foolish choices. That helped me also see her as an independent person cable of making choices, and despite her poor choices, that God still loved her.

I went to church this week, and the realization that I was simply seeing her as someone who deeply wounded me (and not a child of God) made me sad because it made me realize how very far I've strayed from my faith.

She's now engaged to her "affair" partner, and I'm still angry, especially since I'll have to see him twice a year at the kids' birthdays, and possibly more later. It's very, very tough for me. I accept that she's gone and with someone else, but this is where I am stuck.

I can understand being stuck there... .that's really, really hard. 

[22years]

My BPD wife and I were married for 21 years til she began an emotional affair which developed into adultery. I am certain it was going on about a year before she left me (which was almost a year ago). We have been devout Christians since the beginning of our marriage. I honestly believe that her faith gave her pause on countless occasions, and continually provided a means of self reflection. But as time progressed I became the focus point of all her ills in life. We have 3 children - one is over 18 - our oldest daughter has been in therapy for the last two years because of all the things that have happened to her with a BPD mother over her lifetime. How has my Christianity helped me? It provided my anchor. Over the length of time that we were married it was on my mind that this was my place to act out my love with no expectation of it being returned. How was I able to do that? Because I know that Jesus Christ loves me, and that is rooted in me, and I believe it sincerely and wholeheartedly. My identity was not shaken by her 180 degree mood swings, by her insistent accusations that I hated her, by her denigrating me, because my identity has it's shape in God's love. How has my faith helped me since she left? Well, It's been the worst year of my life. The last year I have been living a nightmare. She, in many ways, IS my enemy who hates me, wishes ruin upon me, wishes I would die (for a while). So I pray for her. I know God is love and her salvation is to accept the love of Christ and share it. I want that for her. I want her to experience God as heaven. I want her to be free from the torment that she is in. So I pray for that. Why? Because I have received God's love and know it, and so I want it for her. And it helps. And I know it pleases Christ. And because it pleases Christ I also have confidence in my prayers. I am in pain. But I am walking the path set before me in the Scriptures and by the Church. There is a comfort in that. My children see it and they are comforted in that. I will not take her back for the sake of my children. They need a place to go that is stable. I will not engage her in any conversation outside of the children or our legal situation. Yes and no is the bulk of my responses to her. I do my best to simply act professionally towards her. She has left and begun and new life. She is free to do so. Christ, my family, my Church, my friends, psychologists, websites like this will all help me to get through the pain. My BPD wife (soon to be exwife) is not concerned with my welfare, she will not and cannot help me with the pain because she simply is incapable of doing so. I had many good years with her, but she abandoned the marriage, and she started a new life with another man. May God have mercy on all of us.

[jhkbuzz]

So I pray for her. I know God is love and her salvation is to accept the love of Christ and share it. I want that for her. I want her to experience God as heaven. I want her to be free from the torment that she is in. So I pray for that. Why? Because I have received God's love and know it, and so I want it for her. And it helps. And I know it pleases Christ. And because it pleases Christ I also have confidence in my prayers.

This made me cry. I can't bring myself to pray for her yet.  I feel awful about it, but I can't. Everything is still so painful that I don't know that I have it in me.

[Turkish]

22years,

You have tremendous faith, and that's a gift from God.

After many months being supported though my detachment, and a couple of months after her leaving where I sought advice about the kids, my mom finally admitted to me that she was BPD.  I had also been talking to him about my mom and her low function. In the end, he offered me, "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak." Nothing remotely like that had ever occurred to me. My mom has looked to me (and I've gotten better at not jumping into rescue every crisis, but there were times it was necessary, and support, a duty). My Ex looks to me for advice about the kids sometimes, and of course the kids do by nature. God's given me the worldy means and the resilience to do so, and it would be a sin to bury that "talent" out of fear.

[jhkbuzz]

22years,

After many months being supported though my detachment, and a couple of months after her leaving where I sought advice about the kids, my mom finally admitted to me that she was BPD.

 

Wait... .your MOTHER is BPD?  Or your ex?

I had also been talking to him about my mom and her low function.

Who is "him"?

In the end, he offered me, "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak." Nothing remotely like that had ever occurred to me. My mom has looked to me (and I've gotten better at not jumping into rescue every crisis, but there were times it was necessary, and support, a duty). My Ex looks to me for advice about the kids sometimes, and of course the kids do by nature. God's given me the worldy means and the resilience to do so, and it would be a sin to bury that "talent" out of fear.

I thought of it this way quite often in my r/s - both for my ex and her daughter - and I still think so, to some degree.  I kept them both safe for a long time. My SD definitely needed the protection and my ex... .well, she was in vulnerable child mode for a long time, so she moved through the world a lot like a frightened 5 year old.

I agree that it would be a sin to bury that talent out of fear... .perhaps it's just a talent that needs to be God-directed, not self-directed.

[downwhim]

So, when I was at the lowest of lows and my 22 year marriage was falling apart (husband having an affair with older woman at work) I honestly thought I could not make it. I filed for divorce and he fought me on everything. He had a vicious attorney. He was in the Nights of Columbus at our Church and highly respected. He was giving out communion and the whole community thought I was having an affair. Our children (3 boys) were in the middle of our tangled mess. I cried for them, I cried for myself and I had no idea where God fit into all of this! My family was destroyed, my life was falling apart and I saw no hope, nothing.

My Dad was dying of cancer at this time. I begged God to help me because all of this was so very difficult and the pain so great. As happens, I got through it all. I survived Dad's death and my husband painful affair. The divorce was final and 2 weeks after I met my ex BPD fiancé. I honestly thought and still do to this day that God and my Dad had a plan for me. This man was going to save me and he did. He was in the idealization stage and I was raised up on a pedestal. I could not believe someone could love me like this especially since I was so vulnerable and in such a state. My kids, my large home (that I could not take care of myself) was all of a sudden his burden. He was my white light. He helped me with yard work, plugged toilets, kids game/doctor appts. You name it, he was 100 percent there for me. He made love to me and looked at me as if I walked on water myself! God had a great plan for me. This man was my savior.

You have all read my story and I am sure you are sick of it by now. Fast forward 8 years. He is gone, no light, devaluation and humiliation with a relationship/engagement over. Pain, unbelievable pain.

God, why have you forsaken me?

Alone, abandoned and suffering.

[Turkish]

22years,

After many months being supported though my detachment, and a couple of months after her leaving where I sought advice about the kids, my mom finally admitted to me that she was BPD.

 

Wait... .your MOTHER is BPD?  Or your ex?

My mother finally admitted to me this past summer that her T 20 years ago gave her an unofficial Dx of BPD. Though my mom's a nurse, I was curious of her instant response,."of course she's BPD!" When I shared my armchair Dx of my Ex. After her admission, it made sense. My mom had a book on BPD, given to her by her T back then, though my mom can't remember the name. Suffice to say, my childhhod was very "colorful," and many people over the years have said that I should write a book.

I had also been talking to him about my mom and her low function.

 Who is "him"?

My T. I chose a Christian T because his group was referred by my Ex's T. I chose a man because my instinct was to choose a woman. I wanted to step outside my comfort zone, having been raised by a single mother who never had boyfriends. I related too well to women.

In the end, he offered me, "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak." Nothing remotely like that had ever occurred to me. My mom has looked to me (and I've gotten better at not jumping into rescue every crisis, but there were times it was necessary, and support, a duty). My Ex looks to me for advice about the kids sometimes, and of course the kids do by nature. God's given me the worldy means and the resilience to do so, and it would be a sin to bury that "talent" out of fear.

I thought of it this way quite often in my r/s - both for my ex and her daughter - and I still think so, to some degree.  I kept them both safe for a long time. My SD definitely needed the protection and my ex... .well, she was in vulnerable child mode for a long time, so she moved through the world a lot like a frightened 5 year old.

I agree that it would be a sin to bury that talent out of fear... .perhaps it's just a talent that needs to be God-directed, not self-directed.

You're right about that, and I need reminding sometimes. Humble doesn't equal weak.

[BadKitty]

God, why have you forsaken me?

Alone, abandoned and suffering.

"God is not punishing you, he is preparing you. Trust His plan, not your pain." Trent Shelton

[BenTired]

So I'd like to know:  if you consider yourself a Christian, how did your faith guide your process of detachment and forgiveness?[/quote]
For me it worked in numerous ways. After catching her cheating, yet again, I had had enough and left. It was very hard as we all know. I thought about her quite a bit. Then one day I heard a song on the radio that I had heard dozens of times before. But this time I heard the song in a whole new way. The song was Forgiveness by Matthew West. I decided to pray to forgive her. I almost immediately felt better and it certainly helped me move on.  It's not that I don't occasionally miss her and I do pray for her from time to time. A couple of lines in the song really resonate with me.

Even when the jury and the judge, say you have a right to hold a grudge, it's the whisper in your ear saying set it free... .

And especially. ... The prisoner that it really frees is you... .

At any rate, this song helped me. Google it, hopefully it'll help you.

[jhkbuzz]

So, when I was at the lowest of lows and my 22 year marriage was falling apart (husband having an affair with older woman at work) I honestly thought I could not make it. I filed for divorce and he fought me on everything. He had a vicious attorney. He was in the Nights of Columbus at our Church and highly respected. He was giving out communion and the whole community thought I was having an affair. Our children (3 boys) were in the middle of our tangled mess. I cried for them, I cried for myself and I had no idea where God fit into all of this! My family was destroyed, my life was falling apart and I saw no hope, nothing.

My Dad was dying of cancer at this time. I begged God to help me because all of this was so very difficult and the pain so great. As happens, I got through it all. I survived Dad's death and my husband painful affair. The divorce was final and 2 weeks after I met my ex BPD fiancé. I honestly thought and still do to this day that God and my Dad had a plan for me. This man was going to save me and he did. He was in the idealization stage and I was raised up on a pedestal. I could not believe someone could love me like this especially since I was so vulnerable and in such a state. My kids, my large home (that I could not take care of myself) was all of a sudden his burden. He was my white light. He helped me with yard work, plugged toilets, kids game/doctor appts. You name it, he was 100 percent there for me. He made love to me and looked at me as if I walked on water myself! God had a great plan for me. This man was my savior.

You have all read my story and I am sure you are sick of it by now. Fast forward 8 years. He is gone, no light, devaluation and humiliation with a relationship/engagement over. Pain, unbelievable pain.

God, why have you forsaken me?

Alone, abandoned and suffering.

I'm so sorry that you feel so alone and that you're in so much pain.

You said something... ."God had a great plan for me. This man was my savior."

I've just started thinking about the fact that (as difficult as this is for me to admit), in some ways my ex sort of replaced God in my life - I put all of my trust in her (and I do mean all of it) when that level of trust should be reserved for God alone.  I'm reminded of Psalm 146:

Do not put your trust in princes,

   in human beings, who cannot save.

When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;

   on that very day their plans come to nothing.

Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,

   whose hope is in the Lord their God.

I'm beginning to think that this misapplication of trust (in my ex instead of in God) is the source of a LOT of my pain.

I watched a TED talk recently by Andrew Solomon called "How the worst moments of our lives make us who we are." He talks (especially in the second half) about his experiences as a gay man, but the beginning of the talk really resonated with me.  He talked about how it's important to "forge meaning and build identity" after particularly difficult experiences in our lives - that we can bear up under suffering if we believe that our suffering has purpose.  For me, I think I will build meaning and purpose through my r/s with God.

One quote in particular stood out to me:

"Forging meaning and building identity does not make what was wrong right, it makes what was wrong precious."



www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are?language=en

[jhkbuzz]

So I'd like to know:  if you consider yourself a Christian, how did your faith guide your process of detachment and forgiveness?

For me it worked in numerous ways. After catching her cheating, yet again, I had had enough and left. It was very hard as we all know. I thought about her quite a bit. Then one day I heard a song on the radio that I had heard dozens of times before. But this time I heard the song in a whole new way. The song was Forgiveness by Matthew West. I decided to pray to forgive her. I almost immediately felt better and it certainly helped me move on.  It's not that I don't occasionally miss her and I do pray for her from time to time. A couple of lines in the song really resonate with me.

Even when the jury and the judge, say you have a right to hold a grudge, it's the whisper in your ear saying set it free... .

And especially. ... The prisoner that it really frees is you... .

At any rate, this song helped me. Google it, hopefully it'll help you.

Thank you - I just watched the video on youtube.

I went to church this week for the first time in a long time, and as I was looking through their newsletter I saw that in two weeks they're beginning a book study on forgiveness.  

I think I'm going to go.

[jhkbuzz]

You're right about that, and I need reminding sometimes. Humble doesn't equal weak.

Indeed - Jesus was incredibly humble and incredibly strong.

[mywifecrazy]

I posted more details on my background on part one of this thread.

The following verse is one I found recently during my reading and prayer time. It's simple yet so powerful:

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (2 Corinthians 3:17 ESV)

I know that when I make time for God through Christ in my life this world And all the struggles that we face are much easier to deal with. When I am close to God through reading his word, praying, listening to praise and worship music and praying regularly I can feel that freedom as mentioned in the verse. I am free of all the anxiety related to being abandoned by my uBPDxw. Free from hating her, free from bitterness, free of pain, free of worrying how I will take care of kids by myself, etc etc. it's simple (like the verse) when I choose to focus on God he restores me, lifts me up, comforts me, etc, etc. it doesn't mean my problems go away but rather he gives me peace to let go of things that I can't control and to focus on what I can which is me and to make positive changes in myself. Let go and Let God! I had to let go of my uBPDxw and her actions as her judgement is not mine. She has to answer to God not to me.

Now on the flipside of that I find when I don't make time for God in my life, when I take my focus off of him and put it back on me thinking I can control everything I find that bitterness starts to come back, anger, resentment, Wanting revenge and anxiety fill me up and I don't feel that freedom anymore. Sometimes we humans are thick skulled. We seek God's presence in our lives when things are out of control but as soon as he restores us we think we don't need him anymore.

I don't know where I would be without my faith. I have made so many positive changes in my life since in the midst of all my pain and at the darkest time of my life I decided to give everything up to God. Instead of acting out in anger I decided to try to do what is spoken of in the following verse:

HumblSe yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

(1 Peter 5:6-7 ESV)

By the way I was a Christian since I was 20 and accepted Jesus as my savior (now 50). I've read the bible for the last 30 years. None of it ever meant anything to me. I guess I understood it intellectually but spiritually and emotionally it didn't mean anything to me. Now that I've reached out to God when my heart was completely broken open and I was in so much pain his word and these verses are a source of strength and comfort.

God is good... .Love this topic!

MWC... .

[Restored2]

So I'd like to know:  if you consider yourself a Christian, how did your faith guide your process of detachment and forgiveness?[/quote]
I am a born again Christian who has been absolutely devastated by the fallout after a harsh breakup from a dating relationship with a BPD woman.  

The choice was to either blame God and run away from Him or run closer towards God/Jesus for healing and restoration.  I chose the latter for healing and restoration, which has been a journey for me.  I don't have all of the answers.  However, one thing I know for certain is that there is a spiritual battle of good and evil going on all around us.  BPD is not of God, as God is good all of the time.  

Detachment has been extremely difficult for me.  Whereas forgiveness has been quite easy for me, as I unconditionally love her and believe that she is operating out of her own hurts and fears towards me.

   

[downwhim]

JHKBUZZ,

Thank you for your kind words. I put my trust in who I thought was my White Knight in Shining Armor but eventually the white turned to black and the love turned to hate. That is why we do not put our trust in human beings. They seem to be our answer to everything yet nothing. I know the time I was lost my BPD was there for me, but looking back he was there truly for himself.

My self love was depleted. My trust in God was mixed up with my husbands infidelity yet smirk way of continuing to be part of the Catholic community. I literally threw the Knights of Columbus golf tournament signs out of my car onto the porch of the rectory. I was mad at him, mad at the Church and mad at God. My family was torn apart and my ex told others I was crazy. He hid his infidelity for 7 years at the office. Traveled, did what he wanted. I was ripe for my BPD and about as vulnerable as a person could get. He came, he saw and he took my life over. Friends say at the time I was going through this it was as if I blocked the world out and he was all I could see. I couldn't wait to get to his home every other weekend and Wednesday nights when my kids went to their dads. I was forever changed from the time I met him. I started losing me and mirroring him.

Now days, I attend mass several Sundays for quiet, peace and because repeating the words I have heard my entire life (first in Latin then in English) brings me comfort. I sort of hide in the back and I pray for God's mercy. I know I too have brought on some of this pain myself. I am far from perfect. Maybe He is knocking me on the head saying QUIT PICKING THESE TYPES OF MEN. NP and BPD's are what I am drawn too. Maybe he is trying to tell me to get my act together and quit relying on a man. Do my own work, clean my own house.

I do believe through pain we learn and grow closer to God. Many times I question Him and want to write the plan for myself.  Patience is what I lack. It is what I am working on.

Do not put your trust in princes,

    in human beings, who cannot save.

When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;

    on that very day their plans come to nothing.

Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,

    whose hope is in the Lord their God.

Peace... .