Desperately need help with dealing with daughter and the chaos.

[alberth]

I am new here and would really like to know how to handle daughter and the chaos she has created with my other 2 adult children. Since she moved back to our town our other kids will not have anything to do with us nor can we see our grandkids. I have heard some of the lies she has told them. They refuse to listen to us or believe the truth. How do I confront her or handle the situation? She recently had a baby with her current boyfriend, which happened 2 weeks after a failed suicide attempt. She planned it. She didn't even tell us she had the baby, will not let us see her5 year old either. We are at such a loss. It seems easier to just avoid her. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello alberth, 

I am so sorry your life has gotten so traumatic with all of the kid and grandkids involved... .We have been in a similar situation of being cut off from grandkids due to strained relationships with the adults, and I understand your pain... .

How long has this been going on? What seems to be the trouble with your other kids - are they taking your daughter's side, or are they trying to avoid everyone and the possible drama? How was your relationship with them before your daughter moved into your town?

Again, alberth, I am so sorry. Please keep posting, I have hope that the situation will get better with time. 

[Kwamina]

Hi alberth

I would like to join pessim-optimist in welcoming you here. She has already asked you some important questions. Dealing with all of this is very though. I suggest you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message boards. These resources might help you get a better understanding of what's going on with your daughter and how best to interact with her.

How did your daughter behave before she moved back to your town? Was her behavior already 'problematic' back then? When would you say did her behavioral issues first begin to become manifest?

I am new here and would really like to know how to handle daughter and the chaos she has created with my other 2 adult children. Since she moved back to our town our other kids will not have anything to do with us nor can we see our grandkids. I have heard some of the lies she has told them. They refuse to listen to us or believe the truth.

I can imagine how hard this must be for you. How was the relationship between your daughter and other kids before she moved back to your town? Were they close? And how was your own relationship with your other kids during that time?

She recently had a baby with her current boyfriend, which happened 2 weeks after a failed suicide attempt. She planned it. She didn't even tell us she had the baby, will not let us see her5 year old either. We are at such a loss. It seems easier to just avoid her. Help!

I'm sorry you don't get to see your grandkids. How did you find out she recently had a baby?

Her suicide attempt is quite concerning. Has she ever done anything like that before? Has she perhaps ever received any kind of medication or been in therapy?

Take care

[lbjnltx]

Hi alberth!

Another welcome from me.  Look forward to learning more about you and your situation so we can help.

What is your daughter telling her siblings?  Have you been able to speak with any of your children directly?  If so... .how did you handle it? 

In order to be able to make things better we need to learn how to not make things worse. We can do that by having strong communication skills.

Did you read  about validation in the tools section to the right yet?

lbj

[alberth]

Everything was good with our other kids before that. Everything started getting bad when she moved back to town. I'm not sure of everything that she has said but I know there have been lies. Off the wall lies. When she was in outpatient treatment for drugs after her suicide attempt (her 2nd) she called and talked with me for 45 minutes (haven't actually visited with her since she moved home) and she said she really wished our family could get back together (it's been 5 years since she moved home). I told her, well you know what it's going to take, sitting your sister and brother down and telling them the whole truth of what you have done. She got extremely quiet, sighed and I said, it doesn't have to be right away, work on getting yourself well first. She has used drugs all of her adult life. I thought her doing this was so that we wouldn't be a combined family to put her into treatment but I think there is jealousy, etc., besides. She seems to feel nothing. She doesn't smile anymore. She seems like there is a demon inside her, just mean and uncaring.

She and I were always close. There were issues with her sister that happened years ago, which we had all said our sorries and things were good. We used to do everything with our other kids when she wasn't around. We were very close, even went on vacations with them. She brought up what happened back then and has been adding things that we've said. Making especially my other daughter to hate me. She calls me insane! When I tried to tell her that there is something insane going on but it isn't me, she hung up on me. We don't talk. Being in their sick circle of lies and meanness just made us SICK. I cried constantly. Now I only cry maybe once a day.

[lbjnltx]

5 years is a very long time

Your relationship with your children is important to you alberth... .it will likely take a lot of hard work on your part to get back into relationship with your children.

Take advantage of the collection of information in the tools and lessons section to the right of the board.  We will be here to work through this with you and support you.

lbj

[alberth]

Thank you. I do need to learn some new things to deal with all of this. My therapist has moved to another state. Have tried some new ones and they don't understand my situation at all and were no help.

[lbjnltx]

Thank you. I do need to learn some new things to deal with all of this. My therapist has moved to another state. Have tried some new ones and they don't understand my situation at all and were no help.

I hope you will keep looking.  The right therapist can be difficult to find!

lbj