Exploring Options

[eaglestar1013]

I am not sure if my mother has BPD.  She hasn't been diagnosed, and the suggestion that she should get help would probably send her into a three day conniption, so no one in my family is going to suggest it.

I am going to start medical school in a few months and am very curious about whether her behaviors could have a medical root cause.  Allow me to describe some of them.

She has historically throughout my childhood slipped into depressed periods when she freaks out over very small things, acts petty and hateful, says horrible things to me and my brother about our father, and when confronted about anything from too much salt on the dinner she prepared to her overall attitude about life, she will first slip into silent mode, answering only when she has to and in a tiny, inaudible voice with maybe one word for an answer... .then she will explode after silent mode is over, and she'll say hateful things, flip out, and go to her room to cry.  Then, after the tirade is over, about a day or two later, she'll spend days acting like a normal, loving mother.  She goes out of her way to serve others, making sandwiches for my friends so they won't be hungry, giving me cards that tell me how much she loves me and how proud of me she is.

I studied engineering and psychology in college and both involve critical thinking and root cause analysis. My thoughts are that her behavior might be connected to a psychiatric disorder like BPD, or she might have an autoimmune disorder similar to PANDAS that causes psychiatric symptoms.  The reason I suspect the latter is because her physical health is rather poor. She has a number of autoimmune disorders, some of which have stumped world renowned experts. For instance, Dr. C in Chicago who is an expert in nephrology cannot figure out why her body makes kidney stones. All conventional treatments have failed to stop her body from doing such. Calcium is deleted from her bones, leaving them at risk for osteoporosis, and it is channeled right into her kidneys, where it forms calcium stones.  She is starting to form a dangerously angry and distrustful attitude toward physicians because they have failed her.  I keep reminding her that she just hasn't found the right doctor yet, but I fear that she is getting close to rejecting them as she has real estate agents, female secretaries, and others who are unfortunate enough to be in professions that someone else was in when they disappointed her.

If she saw this post, it wouldn't take her long to convince you that I am the one in the wrong. She is amazingly convincing, able to transition in seconds to a normal persona when she has to speak to the public or anyone who doesn't live with her.

Maybe you guys have seen these traits in your loved ones. If so, what did you do?

Nice to meet you all.

[Kwamina]

Hi eaglestar1013

Welcome to our online community  It isn't easy growing up with a parent who behaves the way your mother does. My own mother is an undiagnosed BPD and I found it very difficult to deal with. Only after learning about BPD was I able to make sense of what was going on and why my childhood was the way it was.

Many of the members have undiagnosed family-members. Not because they went to see a doctor/specialist and weren't given the diagnosis, but often because they were totally unwilling to acknowledge their issues and go see someone. It's clear however that your mother exhibits some concerning behavior. I can very much relate to 'the switching to a normal persona' when having to speak to someone in public or someone who doesn't live with her. Many of our members have shared similar stories of their BPD parents or other BPD relatives putting on  different 'masks' depending on the circumstances. You could say that a lot of non-BPD people also put on masks, only difference is that the contrast between masks seems to be a lot more extreme in people with BPD. Have you ever talked to anyone outside of your family about how your mom behaves when outsiders aren't around?

I am sorry that your mother is facing these problems with her physical health. It's really difficult to say if this could be part of the cause of her behavioral problems. We cannot diagnose people here but what we can do is share insights and tools that might help you better deal with your mother, regardless of the exact root cause of her issues. I do hope that she'll indeed find the right doctor and that they'll be able to do something about those health issues you describe.

How does the rest of your family view your mother? Have you shared your suspicions of possible BPD with them?

[eaglestar1013]

Thanks for your post!

Our family life is kind of shallow, and always has been.  My brother moved out and on his own when I was 13, and I spent years without much contact with him.  We were never really close as brothers, and fought a lot as kids, but are cordial now.  If I talked to him about any of my concerns, since his relationship with both of our parents was never very deep, he would probably say that she just has her ups and downs and that women are complicated, and leave it at that.

My dad, on the other hand, has had extensive conversations with me about this.  He sometimes talks to me just to vent about how she is being ridiculous.  We have spent hours theorizing what the symptoms are, trying to fit them into some known disorder.  He oscillates between frustrated and bewildered about her behavior.  He is constantly trying to do things to please her, from giving her little love notes and hugs, to surprising her with jewelry.  Yet she almost never acknowledges any of these actions except in the moment that they occur, to say thank you and act 'normal'--the mask comes up, because she knows she's supposed to be grateful.  I sometimes wonder if she enjoys any of his efforts to make her happy, because she will turn around the very next day and tell him that he is horrible, doesn't love her, and that she's "accepted the fact that you will never love me."  Then, inexplicably, she'll act like nothing ever happened and ask him to spend time with her, and act cheerful and happy that he's home.  So he's shared his bewilderment with me because of my undergraduate background in psychology, and asked me to do research.  Yesterday, he asked, ":)o you know of any disorder that can be described as ':)r. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde'?" And I said, "Well, I guess in some ways Bipolar could be described as that, but she doesn't really fit that criteria... .I wonder if BPD could be described as that?" I had read a minimal amount of info about BPD in the past and didn't really remember much from my undergraduate studies, except for the mood swings.  I did some more research and that's how I found you guys.

Sorry if that was a super-long answer to a short question.  Essentially, yes, I've shared my suspicions with my Dad... .but it's next to impossible to get her to admit that anything is wrong with her emotional regulation.  Thank you for your post, again!

[Kwamina]

Thanks for answering my question! Your answer wasn't that long at all

I sometimes wonder if she enjoys any of his efforts to make her happy, because she will turn around the very next day and tell him that he is horrible, doesn't love her, and that she's "accepted the fact that you will never love me."  Then, inexplicably, she'll act like nothing ever happened and ask him to spend time with her, and act cheerful and happy that he's home.  So he's shared his bewilderment with me because of my undergraduate background in psychology, and asked me to do research.  Yesterday, he asked, ":)o you know of any disorder that can be described as ':)r. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde'?" And I said, "Well, I guess in some ways Bipolar could be described as that, but she doesn't really fit that criteria... .I wonder if BPD could be described as that?"

A lot of what you describe here reminds me of the intense and often irrational fear of abandonment many people with BPD have. This could explain her push-and-pull dynamics, one moment pushing your father away by saying how horrible he is and accusing him of not loving her. And the next moment wanting to spend time with him and being happy that he's around. Do your mother and father still live together? Would you say that your mother has an irrational fear of abandonment?

Your description of your mother's behavior also brings another characteristic behavior of people with BPD to mind: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting:

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

When you consider your mother's behavior, would you say she engages in splitting?