Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce - Kathleen Corcoran, PhD

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Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce

Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran, PhD

mediate.com

Much of children's post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. What follows are some typical experiences of children to divorce and separation:

A.   DENIAL

This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling (Mommy and Daddy and me going to Disneyland; we're moving into a duplex and Daddy will live next door; they will also have reconciliation fantasies).

B.   ABANDONMENT

When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they too are divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one or both parents taking the children into their confidence, talking about the other parent in front of the children, using language like "Daddy is divorcing us," being late for pick-up, or abducting the children. Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have "permission" to have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to "take care of" one of their parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.

C.   PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION

Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the parents is ideally unified and age appropriate.

D.   ANGER AND HOSTILITY

Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault. Hostility turned inward looks like depression in children.

E.   DEPRESSION

Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more common in adolescents).

F.   IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY

Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents' love. They may do some "baby-talk" or wet their beds. Children may become "parentified" by what they perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents ("Someone needs to be in charge here."

G.   PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION

The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents' reconciliation. It is clear that the parents are not "getting on" with their lives. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict with intimacy. They see the parents as engaged in an intimate relationship.

H.   BLAME AND GUILT

Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel responsible for their parents' divorce--they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is especially true when parents fight during exchanges of the children or in negotiating schedules: children see that parents are fighting over them. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises of good behavior; they may have difficulty with transitions or refuse to go with the other parent.

I.   ACTING OUT

Children will often act out their own and their parents' anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent. Adolescents will typically act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.

In summary, expect that children will test a parent's loyalty, experience loyalty binds, not want to hurt either parent, force parents to interact because they don't want the divorce, try to exert some power in the situation, express anger over the divorce, occasionally refuse to go with the other parent (normal divorce stress, loyalty conflict/triangulation, or they may simply not want to stop doing what they're doing at the moment--similar to the reaction we've all gotten when we pick our children up from child care, or we want to go home from the park).

The most common problems which arise tend to stem from triangulation, divided loyalties, and projection. Some indicators of each are:

a.   Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the other parent or talk to the other parent on the phone, child badmouths the other parent.

b.   Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided loyalties.

c.   Projection: Children are barometers of a parent's emotional well-being. Usually a parent reporting the stress of a child can not see that the child is acting on the parent's anxiety. Parents should ask themselves how they are feeling about the divorce, the other parent, and the time sharing arrangements before assuming the child is having difficulty adjusting or assuming the problem is with the other household.

Signs of Stress in Children

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

I.   INFANTS AND TODDLERS:

A.   Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills

B.   Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)

C.   Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess

D.   General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.

II.   THREE TO FIVE YEARS:

A.   Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking

B.   Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories

C.   Blaming themselves and feeling guilty

D.   Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking

E.   Fear of being abandoned by both parents; clinginess

F.   Greater irritability, aggression, temper tantrums.

III.   SIX TO EIGHT YEARS:

A.   Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejected

B.   Crying and sobbing

C.   Afraid of their worst fears coming true

D.   Reconciliation fantasies

E.   Loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apart

F.   Problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.

IV.   NINE TO TWELVE YEARS:

A.   Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situation

B.   Fear of loneliness

C.   Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorce

D.   Physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches

E.   May become overactive to avoid thinking about the divorce

F.   Feel ashamed of what's happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.

V.   ADOLESCENTS:

A.   Fear of being isolated and lonely

B.   Experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to them

C.   Feel hurried to achieve independence

D.   Feel in competition with parents

E.   Worry about their own future loves and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationships

F.   Discomfort with a parent's dating and sexuality

G.   Chronic fatigue; difficulty concentrating

H.   Mourn the loss of the family of their childhood.