Are there varying degrees to BPD symptoms

[dadecounty]

Hi, My uBPDw has the anger traits, the silent treatment, the abandonment issues , the lack of intimacy , (even hugging is a no no) triangulation with my son , etc  but in the 25 plus years of marriage , I have never doubted her loyalty to be faithful to me or detected a willingness to be unfaithful, although recent comments suggested her needing to move on and find a partner who will appreciate her more. Also she almost overcompensates for the "needing to be honest" at all times. Can a BPD diagnosis exist without a person being unfaithful or dishonest. I welcome all feedback because I am so confused. My psych believes she has BPD. I want to work things through with her to save our relationship.

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[Restored2]

Hi dadecounty.  There is varying degrees to BPD symptoms.  It is not an all or nothing kind of deal where a BPD person fits into a mold of one size fits all.  The spectrum can be mild to extreme.  This is not an easy position for you and your son to be in.  Thankfully she is not displaying unfaithfulness issues.  It is good that you want to work things through with your wife to save your relationship.

[vortex of confusion]

Even if a person isn't diagnosed with full blown BPD, he/she can still exhibit a wide range of symptoms and behaviors that are somewhere on the spectrum. Not all people have all of the symptoms either.

Being unfaithful is not really a BPD trait. A lot of people with BPD are unfaithful but that has to do with intimacy and attachment. A lot of BPD are fairly honest. My husband tends to be pretty honest about some things. He has lied by omission and have been manipulative and deceptive but I still consider him a fairly honest person in the grand scheme of things.

Will it make a difference to you if she is or isn't diagnosed? Even without a diagnosis, the resources on this site are invaluable.

[enlighten me]

As there are nine criteria in the DSM  then it means there are over 300 variations of BPD.  Add to that the four charecters. Waif, hermit, queen and witch. Then you have low and high functioning so as you can see there are many variations.

lying and cheating is common but not always present. This is the same as self harm or drug abuse.

A higher majority of pwBPD will have self harmed than us so called nons but it doesnt mean they all do it. My ex wife did but my exgf didnt (as far as I am aware).

[JRT]

As i understand it, the interest in a replacement is not necessarily for sex. Rather, it is to supply them with whatever their emotions need to feel fulfilled.

It threw me off to know that my ex didn't not replace her partners. From what I know about her, she would wait for long periods before finding another man. This threw me off in what I otherwise thought was clearly BPD behavior on her part (she was not diagnosed). That was until I read a link that someone had posted here that indicated that the replacement or triangulation need not be a romantic interest... .it could be a friend or family member for example.

This also dovetailed with another consternation of mine; that she did not rage against me. She DID however, rage against her son. It was constant and she never tempered it with any affection (poor kid is a huge mess!). She was the focal point of her rages for 18 years, While I have not heard back from her after 5 months, I came to learn why: he had failed living under his dad's roof and was kicked back to wherever mom is living, satisfying her need.

If yours has triangulated with your son, this might negate her any interest in cheating or lying to cover any cheating up.

[enlighten me]

Your right JRT but it also doesnt have to be a person. It could be a pet, a hobby, work or anything.

Its all about fulfilling a need. If its to be loved unconditionally then a pet could be all thats neede. If its to raise their image of themselves then throwing themselves into a hobby such as exercise may work. If its that they feel worthless then work may be the answer.

As with all things in a BPD's life its about instant gratification. Having their needs met and being distracted is a way of life for them.

[waverider]

The core emotional problems can be somewhat similar. The way the are expressed or acted upon can vary immensely. Think of their actions as a medium to paint a picture. There are many ways and mediums to express emotions.

eg A desire for self validation may be sought in sexual conquests, or it may be the ladder climbing of a workaholic. Maybe an OCD type of pursuit of perfect in one area to the total neglect in another. To others it is too big an ask so they dont try anything. The common factor is the need is never met. Need is a process and processes cant be fulfilled, only fueled or starved of supply.

It is why one of the reasons we struggle to understand them is we get stuck trying to address the issues presented to us, rather than the core driving emotions.

The questions is not why do they cheat? It is why do they feel unfulfilled and seek external fixes.

[JRT]

Your right JRT but it also doesnt have to be a person. It could be a pet, a hobby, work or anything.

Its all about fulfilling a need. If its to be loved unconditionally then a pet could be all thats neede. If its to raise their image of themselves then throwing themselves into a hobby such as exercise may work. If its that they feel worthless then work may be the answer.

As with all things in a BPD's life its about instant gratification. Having their needs met and being distracted is a way of life for them.

Well that explains a lot. I have seen people who have very unusual attachments to their pets and have often wondered what is underneath the surface. So: would they then rage against the animal... .physically abusing it?

This also brings up an associated question: if they can triangulate with a job, animal, hobby or family member, why do they see to customarily choose a sexual partner? 

[enlighten me]

Both my exs were attached to their pets. My exgf talked about one of her dogs that died years ago as if it was here dearest friend ever.

My ex wife baby ed her dogs and turned them neurotic with her constantly blowing hot and cold.

They dont always seek sexual partners but its probably easier to get for them. As one poster here once said " if you sell it cheap enough then you will get a lot of interest". Casual sexual partners dont offer the hassle of commitment and can be picked up relatively easily. Especially for women as lets face it if a woman comes onto a man theres a lot more chance she will pull.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, dadecounty good question!

I have been with my H for 5 1/2 years now, and he has not cheated. We did go through a triangulation period in the beginning when he was jumping between me and his ex, but he was honest with me (not her) about it. Once he cut her off... .he cut her all the way off.

Because of that, I tend to be paranoid and keep my eye open, but he has never done a thing since to suggest any sort of infidelity.

What others have said is true... .it's spectrum disorder, so some characteristics will be more prominent in some people, and vice versa. I also read what other people have gone through here and wondered if my H is going to fit the bill, so I understand feeling concerned about that.

[maxsterling]

Not sure I can add much more than "I agree" with all of the above.

Keep in mind that "lying" or "dishonesty" in some areas is open to interpretation and perspective.  It doesn't always mean someone is coming home and telling a completely fabricated story.  My wife certainly doesn't do that, but she clearly has her own reality of events that does not match with what other people observe.  Her "lies" are more along the lines of stating emotions not facts, the end result is manipulation.  

And unfaithfulness - I don't have any fears of my wife cheating on me.  But I know she has cheated on partners in the past.  Again, this is an area that is also open to interpretation because what I may consider "cheating" others may not, and vice/versa.  For example, if I was dating a woman for a period of time, I would consider that this is understood to be an "exclusive" relationship, but she may not if it is not clearly communicated.  Or, she may break up simply for the purpose of immediately being with someone else.  Is it being unfaithful to abruptly break up with someone and have someone else immediately lined up?

I guess what I am saying here is that there are many criteria for BPD, and the behaviors come out in different ways.   just because you don't see a typical behavior doesn't mean a person could not be diagnosed BPD, or doesn't mean that behavior is not manifesting in another way.

[empath]

In my uBPDh, I don't doubt that he has been and will be faithful sexually. The area that I (and others) see the difficulty in maintaining relationships is in his career. He has a maximum time with any employer of about 2 years over the 30 years or so that he has been working. So, long term commitment is difficult for him in that area. I can recognize the signs of when he is having difficulty with work, but I haven't been successful in helping him regulate his feelings so that he can have a stable worklife. He is about 20 months into a position, and I'm hearing increasing rumblings about how much he hates this job and how difficult it is for him.

As for dishonesty, he is more likely to not really know what he thinks or feels -- and those can change depending on his moods. So, he might be totally honest about what he is thinking in the moment, but the next day he might think something different. He also has an extreme desire to conform to what others expect from him (people outside our immediate family). So depending on who he is trying to please, he might say what he thinks they want to hear. Distorted thinking also plays a part. I think that dishonesty has more intentionality behind it than I've personally experienced with BPD.