This sounds like BPD right?

[ta777]

Hi guys, first post here. A little background. Me (22 male) and my uBPDexgf (21) were together for 4+ years. In December I found out she had been cheating on me and looking for a replacement. She had made a tinder account (dating app) in early August) and I guess was desperately searching for my replacement which she eventually found.

My replacement and her were going out for what I think was 3 months before she went public with him after 3 weeks of dumping me. She tried to make it seem as if she had met this guy in the 3 weeks we were on "break". During the break she was emailing me, as I was blocked, telling me she would take me back in a heartbeat if I just showed I cared when all along she has this guy in the background.

I eventually find out while I'm trying to prove my love for her and begging her to take me back. The reason she had broken up with me and caused the break was because I had looked at girls, girls I didn't know, model pages, etc on instagram. Ridiculous, I know but she was incredibly insecure. So she dumped me and tried stringing me along while she tried to make things official with my replacement which eventually happened. They're still together.

This is where things confused me. Ever since the day I found out and confronted her over the phone where she denied everything despite the proof that I sent her and I told her some nasty things (which I regret) she had been trying to contact me every week. She contacted me as unknown to get around my block one week after by calling me very late at night at 1:30am. She left a message, crying (playing the victim?) saying she was sorry, how she wasn't calling for me to take her back (what ), and that she realizes what she did was wrong. She continued to say that she cared (is that a joke?) and to not think she didn't and that she hoped I was doing okay. She then called a few days later on the day that would have been our 4 year anniversary, again at 1:30am. I never answered any of her calls.

That same day of our anniversary date she decided to start her smear campaign on her tumblr. She posted all these nasty lies she started comparing me to my replacement and how he changed for her when I never did. 3 months in and she's already trying to change the guy.  She even said things like how she didn't even like him at first because he said the wrong things but eventually he changed. She talked about how she deserved to be treated like a princess that she is and how she deserved to feel beautiful (the entitlement!). She even said she wasted her education on me when she came back from her university in another state. I actually had thought for 2 years that she came back for me but that was a lie, she came back because she was kicked out for possession of marijuana (caught twice). Does she actually believe her lies? She even made sure to mention how shes already in love with this guy and how great the sex is. Her instagram was her parading this new guy. Post after post after post of him and her together, about how happy she is, the happiest she has ever been, how he opens the car door for her every time (this one made me laugh). No shame whatsoever. Honestly, what do her family and friends think of her having a new boyfriend 3 weeks after we broke up.

As the weeks passed by, she was still calling me every Saturday morning at 1:30am exactly. To the dot, it was scary. She never left a message and would sometimes call multiple times. This continued for 6 weeks. One week she noticed that she wasn't blocked anymore as I had deleted her contact, this is when she decided to send me a nice little text message blaming everything on me. How I never listened to her about not looking at girls. (She had forced me to promise on many occasions to not look at porn, look at girls on instagram or the internet and to not even check out girls in real life!). In her words, I never gave her the attention or affection that she needed.  I had been seeing her almost every day in between my work and full time school schedule and it still wasn't enough! I even saw her every day of the week on some occasions. As for the affection, I had been with her for more than 4 years, I gave her all the affection I could, sure it wasn't the honeymoon phase but I loved her and made sure she knew that but it wasn't enough. I would compliment her on occasion and even that wouldn't be enough. She would reply with "that's all you have to say?" or "that's it?" and she would get angry or sad. God forbid I used the word "cute"... .she hated it.

The calls continued until about a month ago. She decided to wait for me outside of my classroom and follow me. As she approached me I began to have an anxiety attack. She said that we needed to talk. I told her we had nothing to talk about. She insisted there was more than I knew or thought. I told her that all she wanted to do was blame me but she denied that. I replied to her by saying I knew all I needed to know. She kept pleading that we needed to talk and I just ignored her and eventually lost her. She had been following me for a good few minutes.

That same night she stalked me, she called at 11 and then again at 1:30am. Of course I didn't answer. The next morning I decided to send her a text message (bad idea). I told her that she needed to stop calling me or that I would report her. I got sucked in at this point. She that we both needed closure. LOL, what does she need closure for? I'm assuming she meant "I need to unload my guilt on you so I don't feel as bad". I told her that I don't need closure and that she needed to just let me move on as she already had. She said she wasn't over it, she hadn't moved on. She even said she still had love for me!  . I insisted that she leave me alone, that she wanted me out of her life so I was giving her what she wanted. She then had the nerve to say she didn't want me out of her life, that I was her best friend. Apparently best friends cheat, lie, manipulate, and discard each other. She just wanted me to be a fall back plan, right? I told her how there was no excuse for what she did to me and that normal people talk about their issues or break up, not cheat. She said that she did talk to me, if you count crying and threatening to leave me if I don't stop using instagram as a "talk". I eventually said something along the lines of "bye im blocking you" ans she decided to reply by saying she didn't have sex with my replacement until the day after I broke it off. I never broke anything off, she did  . Either way, it's as if she was proud of that, as if she didn't think she was a cheater because she didn't have sex with him till after we were broken up! I blocked her at this point.

Later on in the night that day she sends me a text through her cousins phone saying how I was right, that she needed to move on. Said she was sorry for lying and manipulating me (literally just that). She didn't apologize for cheating or anything else, just a simple, non-sincere "sorry". Again telling me she had love for me (whatever that means). She said she wished me the best in finding happiness with someone else like she had with my replacement. That he loved her. Almost as if she wanted to hurt me on her way out by saying that.

My reply to her was sarcastic. I laughed at her, telling her to save the BS, that you don't cheat on someone you love and leave them for another person. I also told her that I thought it was funny how I couldn't look at girls on the internet but it was okay for her to talk to guys behind my back our entire relationship. I found out after through her ex best friend who she also painted black that my ex basically had all these orbiters, guys she would talk to and sometimes even go out with! I never would have known. This whole time I was actually feeling a little guilty for not stopping the porn watching and Instagram but after finding that out I was relieved. Told her that happiness comes from within, not other people and how she needs to realize that she is the problem and not everyone else that she blamed. Something I also added was that I did truly love her, something I had always told her until she showed her true colors. This was in response to her smear campaign where she said I never cared about her or gave a S*** about her. I guess she had to justify her decision to replace me.

Funny enough, after I told her that I knew about her orbiters she fired off a nice text message to the ex best friend saying ":)id you tell ta777 about the S*** I did?". Oh man. She almost fooled me into believe it was all my fault. She had always been a hypocrite with her double standards. Not letting me go out with coworkers but she was able to go out whenever. Her always looking through my phone every day looking for dirt when she was the one talking to guys and cheating on me. (Projection?) The day I decided to look through her phone she took it away from me and didn't let me. I told her I was going to leave her house and she started to beg me on the floor, crying for me not to leave. I thought that was childish but now I realize why. I had triggered her fear of abandonment because she knew if I saw her phone I would dump her for being a cheater. She was probably talking to my replacement as this had been in October. I don't know what happened after that but she ended up manipulating me and I forgot all about it. She got away with it.

Point is, I gave her all I could and it still wasn't enough. We would text all day, every day. Talk on the phone almost every night. See each other at school because we went to the same one. I would hang out at her house all day. Nope, wasn't enough attention apparently. I had isolated myself away from my family, friends, coworkers because there were girls and I never realized it because I was too busy trying to please her. Now that I'm out of the fog I can see things more clearly. I'm not wrong to believe she is a pwBPD am I? What was up with her on the dot phone calls every 7 days? Why didn't she ever leave a message and did I anger her by not answering her calls? I'm assuming that all she wanted to do was blame me to relieve her guilt and I wasn't allowing it.

Sorry for my long rant, I needed to vent it out to an audience that can understand what it is like with a pwBPD. Thanks BPDFam!

EDIT: I realize that I'm not quite sure she replaced me because of me never stopping looking at girls. She started her search in early August. We didn't have our fight over instagram until October. Makes me wonder why she needed to leave me. Weird that She started to let me use instagram again after being banned from it by her in August as well. Almost as if she knew I would "screw up" and she would catch me and have a reason to replace me. She was looking through my phone daily during these months looking for something.

[Targeted]

 

Glad you foun this site ta777,

Your story very much matches mine, I am not a professional and my ex is also undiagnosed, I think the actual diagnosis matters less then focusing on the behaviours, The only one you can change right now is yourself so keep telling us your story and focus on you, no matter what her actual diagnosis maybe you would not be doing either one of you any justice by relationship recycling. There are lessons to the right side of the page that you should read.  But you're not alone in experiencing these behaviours, my ex cheated to and the whole looking at other girls thing was severe! It did not matter if it was a magazine or a TV show, going out in public was a nightmare, it always ended as an argument even if a unattractive woman walked by, it did not matter, she had this  Christian belief that when ever amen encounters another woman he is to overt his eyes, how could you possibly go out in public and do this without walking into walls in looking like an idiot? 

[Infared]

Ta777 ... so sorry for your pain... I identify... .I went thru something similar in that my ex had to go out and get a replacement (they are extremely weak creatures) and use the security of having him behind my back so that she could start abusing me.

In the end it does not matter what the the diagnoses is. She deceived me, she betrayed me, she then abandoned me and then totally abused me. She also played victim through all of it. How that is possible is because of the unimaginable extreme self-centeredness of these individuals.

Do I really need to know anything else? Why did I miss someone who treated me in this manner? Why did I keep engaging with this person when I knew the facts? It was because I was not healthy.  I needed to take care of me and engaging with this person clearly was not something that was good for me.

Until I saw this truth and began to seek help for myself, I would remain in pain and in an unhealthy attachment to something that was very bad for me.

Her.

[ta777]

Glad you foun this site ta777,

Your story very much matches mine, I am not a professional and my ex is also undiagnosed, I think the actual diagnosis matters less then focusing on the behaviours, The only one you can change right now is yourself so keep telling us your story and focus on you, no matter what her actual diagnosis maybe you would not be doing either one of you any justice by relationship recycling. There are lessons to the right side of the page that you should read.  But you're not alone in experiencing these behaviours, my ex cheated to and the whole looking at other girls thing was severe! It did not matter if it was a magazine or a TV show, going out in public was a nightmare, it always ended as an argument even if a unattractive woman walked by, it did not matter, she had this  Christian belief that when ever amen encounters another woman he is to overt his eyes, how could you possibly go out in public and do this without walking into walls in looking like an idiot? 

Thank you for the advice Targeted, I've gone through the lessons before but I think I should go through them again. I would also say that my ex's insecurity was severe. She always blamed me for her being insecure, and for the longest I believed her. She said it was because of how I would say popular actresses or singers were good looking in the first year of our relationship. It wasn't till around that one year mark where her insecurities started to come out and she would force me to promise her I wouldn't watch porn or look at girls in general. I felt like I didn't have a choice, so I would agree otherwise she said she would leave me. It was a no-win situation for me. I felt guilty, I thought I was the reason for her insecurities because she said she had never felt that way until I came around.

Her insecurities became overwhelming. Our major fights always dealt with her insecurities, me looking at girls online or even her just going through my instagram feed and seeing a girl. If we were watching a movie and there was a nude or sex scene she would cover my eyes. I thought it was so ridiculous, and I would tell her to not treat me like a child. She then would respond by saying "why do you want to look so bad?" or "why are you so desperate to look?" trying to make me feel bad. Same thing in public, she would tell me to look down if there was a woman who she thought was attractive in front of us.

I stood around because she would tell me that her insecurities would get better with time. That obviously never happened, if anything they got worse. She always felt that I didn't find her attractive and that I wanted other women. She thought I would leave her if the next best thing came around.

I was miserable at times, I was constantly stressed out over dealing with her insecurities, tantrums and her breaking up with me over the simplest things all the time. "Walking on egg shells" is exactly what I had been doing. I loved her so much that I dealt with all the negatives.

In the end I was stressed out with her breaking up with me twice over instagram, school and work that I think I triggered her fear of abandonment. I told her that I was so stressed and needed a few days to myself and that's when she went out and had sex with my replacement that she had already lined up months before. Everything still doesn't make sense. Her having another relationship with my replacement months before she broke up with me for one.

I think the real reason she decided to look for a replacement was because in July I had gone bar hopping with my best friend for his birthday. She had been begging me and crying telling me to not go for a whole week. She thought I was going to go and find another girl. During this time I had never ever drank in my life, I had never been to a bar and was simply going for my friend. Initially I wasn't going to go to calm her fears but eventually she got angry and told me to just go, and so I did. Two weeks after this incident is when she made her Tinder account on her quest to replace me. I think that was the real reason.

Trust me, I will never recycle with her. I have zero tolerance for cheaters, especially one who abandoned me for someone else and has zero remorse for what she did.

Ta777 ... so sorry for your pain... I identify... .I went thru something similar in that my ex had to go out and get a replacement (they are extremely weak creatures) and use the security of having him behind my back so that she could start abusing me.

In the end it does not matter what the the diagnoses is. She deceived me, she betrayed me, she then abandoned me and then totally abused me. She also played victim through all of it. How that is possible is because of the unimaginable extreme self-centeredness of these individuals.

Do I really need to know anything else? Why did I miss someone who treated me in this manner? Why did I keep engaging with this person when I knew the facts? It was because I was not healthy.  I needed to take care of me and engaging with this person clearly was not something that was good for me.

Until I saw this truth and began to seek help for myself, I would remain in pain and in an unhealthy attachment to something that was very bad for me.

Her.

Thank you Infared, you're absolutely right in that the actions are what matter. My ex did all of those things to me as well as if I was just some object she was done using. I began NC right as soon as I found out. I plan to continue with it for as long as possible. I do miss her and the good times we had, but I need to remember all the things she did to me. It's just a matter of time before my heart catches up to my heart and realizing that she is not a good person and that I am better off without her.

I also can't believe how self-centered they are. While she was finalizing things with my replacement she had convinced me to not apply to universities that were far away because I would be away from her. I listened to her. She was planning on leaving me yet she still wanted me to not leave her.

I've been working on myself, trying to build my esteem and confidence back up which hit rock bottom when I was left by her. I also feel as if I was no healthy while in a relationship with her. I'm non-assertive, a people pleaser,  and feel that I need to work on that.

I want to believe that she is a BPD, I'm almost certain she is or that she at least has traits because I can't understand how someone could be so cruel and heartless towards someone they supposedly loved. Three weeks before she went public with my replacement she had sent me an email saying she would take me back in a heartbeat if I just showed her that I loved her and cared for her. So during this time I had still been talking to her daily and asking her to go out with me. Sometimes she would ignore me and I didn't understand but it was because she had the other guy. A week after her email we went out for dinner. Things went well, not great but I felt like things were getting better. I dropped her off at home and as I walked her to her door she began to cry, telling me she loved me and missed me. I told her the same in return and she began to kiss me. At this point I felt like we would get back together soon enough. I think she was lonely at this time because she kept begging me to stay longer but I couldn't because I had to do homework.

After this she began to grow cold and start ignoring me again and then reappearing when she wanted when I guess she was lonely and not talking to my replacement. Two weeks later she goes public with the replacement and that was the end.

I felt so used after all of this, I was just something to ease her loneliness. She had used me to buy her medicine, pay for her doctor's visit, she wanted me to buy her books for school, I took her to 3 theme parks for Halloween at her request all the while she had another relationship behind my back.  Our 4+ years together meant nothing to her. One of the last things she ever told me was that she loved me but wasn't in love with me.

This is honestly the worst period time in my life and I can honestly say that I wish I never met her because it wasn't worth all the pain and stress she caused me. BPD is a terrible illness.

[.cup.car]

I will be honest and say I didn't read the whole post, but it's nice to see someone my age on here.

Social media is very difficult to deal with, especially after breakups with a pwBPD. It is very terrifying how they can spread such a twisted story of you so quickly.

In my experience, and I'm not saying to do this because you can get in a pretty difficult situation if her Dad's in a position of power or has a good reputation in the community, but I capped every obsessive Facebook/text message my ex had ever sent me, and leaked them online with her real name attached. It was very difficult for her to claim I was some "crazy stalker making up stories" and execute full-on damage control with her replacement when there were pages and pages of her either obsessing over me, inviting me over late at night, or arranging to go out with me. Aside from her few internet friends, which rang me up at most once or twice to try and start s**t with me, most sane people saw that I was the one telling the truth and that she had major issues.

I'm honestly not doing very well and you may possibly have a long bumpy road ahead, but the fact that I was able to counter her outrageous lies with cold hard proof prevented even her own sister from buying into her garbage.

[ta777]

I will be honest and say I didn't read the whole post, but it's nice to see someone my age on here.

Social media is very difficult to deal with, especially after breakups with a pwBPD. It is very terrifying how they can spread such a twisted story of you so quickly.

In my experience, and I'm not saying to do this because you can get in a pretty difficult situation if her Dad's in a position of power or has a good reputation in the community, but I capped every obsessive Facebook/text message my ex had ever sent me, and leaked them online with her real name attached. It was very difficult for her to claim I was some "crazy stalker making up stories" and execute full-on damage control with her replacement when there were pages and pages of her either obsessing over me, inviting me over late at night, or arranging to go out with me. Aside from her few internet friends, which rang me up at most once or twice to try and start s**t with me, most sane people saw that I was the one telling the truth and that she had major issues.

I'm honestly not doing very well and you may possibly have a long bumpy road ahead, but the fact that I was able to counter her outrageous lies with cold hard proof prevented even her own sister from buying into her garbage.

I've noticed there aren't many people our age around here as well.

Well I decided to just take the high road. I don't like that I'm being painted as some terrible person but the people who she is telling this to are her friends and family. I have no connection to them anymore so it shouldn't matter I guess. There are two of her friends (mutual, but I met through her) which know the truth about everything and both have told me she doesn't deserve me and that I'm better off. From what I gather is that she is not telling people she cheated on me, she is still trying to make it seem as if she met this guy or started going out with him after we broke up.

The posts that really were all BS and were aimed directly at me trying to hurt me were on her tumblr. I know no one will really ever see those posts unless she shows them and I doubt she will. She didn't have very many followers on her tumblr and the ones she did were mostly random people from the internet. She posted there because she knew throughout our relationship that when we were fighting I would look at her tumblr and twitter for messages she would try to get to me. Those posts proved how bitter and psychotic she really is and I think she knows that too. Everything was exaggerated, almost child like and I was hurt by it but I was also tempted to laugh at how ridiculous she is. Even my friends and family who I showed the post to were angry for me while some couldn't help but laugh.

I deleted a lot of, if not most of her post breakup texts with the exception of the very last time we spoke. Trust me I very much wanted to show my replacement and everyone on her side of the camp what she was doing, calling, texting, and stalking me but I didn't. I see the best revenge being indifference.